The Campaign Builder's Guild

Post your favorite quotes. They can be stupid things people have said, they can be funny, they can be serious. Whatever floats your boat. :D

This one is...wow.

Dennis Rodman

Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is ten, or something.

"I heard where it was a misery wrapped in an enema.  That can't be good."  
---Fred Colon
 Terry Pratchett, Jingo



edit:  #666, the post of the Beast.

Stuff by the entities that make up K on the WotC forumns.

Quote from: "Why would I listen to an Aristocrat? I'm a frickin' Wizard. I can set his whole house on fire with my mind!"

"That stuff is all sacred to Nerull, so we should desecrate it thoroughly. I'm going to need more beer."

"100 pounds of gold for a house? How does anyone make rent without a wheelbarrow?"

"With great powers come laser eyebeams."

"A Turtle am I? Let's see how Turtlike Iâ,¬Â¦ CANâ,¬Â¦ BE!" And with that, the mage was a giant turtle.

Spellbooks:
"Warning: may contain Explosive Runes."

I prepared Expolsive Runes today.[/quote]

Groucho Marx

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.



Winona Ryder

I feel my best when Iâ,¬,,¢m happy.

.....really?

"It is an old maxim of mine that when you have excluded the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
 - Sherlock Holmes

"Only a mountain has lived long enough to listen objectively to the cry of a wolf."
- Aldo Leopold

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
-Albert Einstein

Imagination is more important than knowledge...
-Albert Einstein

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
-Albert Einstein

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-Albert Einstein

"People who bite the hand that feeds them usually lick the boot that kicks them." --Eric Hoffer

"Language was invented to ask questions. Answers may be given by grunts and gestures, but questions must be spoken. Humanness came of age when man asked the first question. Social stagnation results not from a lack of answers but from the absence of the impulse to ask questions." --Eric Hoffer

"The only index by which to judge a government or a way of life is by the quality of the people it acts upon. No matter how noble the objectives of a government, if it blurs decency and kindness, cheapens human life, and breeds ill will and suspicion- it is an evil government." --Eric Hoffer

"In any situation, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; and the worse thing you can do is nothing."
- Abraham Lincoln

"Either those curtains go, or I do."
Oscar Wilde's last words

"A mind all logic is like a knife all blade: it wounds the hand that uses it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

"Plunge into the deep without fear, with the gladness of April in your heart."
-Rabindranath Tagore

"I have spent my days stringing and unstringing my instrument, while the song I came to sing remains unsung."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Here is my collection, I hope you all enjoy it.

EDIT: Huh, I tried to attach someting to that...

[spoiler=Massive number of quotes]
"What the hell is a PENGUIN doing with a bastard sword!?" - Burner, 10/23/03

"Planets, as objects, are immune to critical hits.." - Elmaster of Thay, 12/26/03

"One always returns to D&D, though. It calls to you. Like pizza." --Mythmere, 05/19/04

"what kind of situation can't be made any better by having a wild tarrasque tossed in the mix?" -- Kyuketsukiouji, 03/01/04

"Repeat to yourself, 'It's just a game, I should really just relax'." -- Salla, 07/01/04

"The ground gets a turn just like everyone else, and it simply readies an action, waiting to strike at anyone who falls towards it." --Phrennzy 07/14/04

"Years from now, we'll look back on this moment, laugh nervously, and change the subject." --Celerian 07/14/05

"That was your brilliant plan? "I have a wand"? Hell, my PCs devise more complex strategies for securing rooms at an inn." --Arrowhen 08/29/05

"There is no entry in the Monster Manual for 'Cow', hence there are no cows in D&D." --Phrennzy 11/15/05

Nindyn vel'uss kyorl nind ratha thalra elghinn dal lil alust  those who spend their days looking for daggers in their back usually meets death from the front

"Some solve problems by thinking and talking, others use rocks."

Special Abilities:
Quoting Resistance 200 (you need to roll d20+number of posts you ever done to overcome it)
Divine Grace (adds his Charisma modifier to the maximum length of sig)
Word Evasion (whenever succeeds a saving throw against somebody correcting his mistake, he takes no honor damage)
Mastery of Quoting (constantly protected with Word Turning effect)
Instant Metaquoting (1/day when qouting somebody can add an metaquoting sentence to it without increasing the qoute's space)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ephemoren
A man once asked Confucius: "Is it proper to respond to evil with kindness?"
Confucius told him: "Kindness should be responded with kindness, but evil should be responded with justice."


Quote:
Originally Posted by kedi
A man once asked kedi:
"Is it proper to respond to evil with kindness?"
"Burn it anyway."
"Errrr..."
"Burn it like there's no tomorrow."

Do the Kirby!
<(^^)> ^(^^)^ v(^^)v (>^^)> <(^^<)

I would manifest reality revision, just so that I could kill you in a unique way, but I do not feel like giving you the satisfaction of seeing my experience points used up.
Lame! I'll take a phrenic thirty-headed paragon Tarrasque any day!

There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those that understand binary, and those that don't

"Masks hide only the face on the outside". - Esme Weatherwax

Originally Posted by Vharuck
41) You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because YOU ARE ALL LIVING IN A REALITY OF MY DESIGN!


I'm going to be a banshee when I grow up!
The hobbits are hungry, and they do not like you...
Gollum, dreidels, and LSD do not mix.


351. Epic wizard takes over a huge city just so he can wage war on everything.
352. Said wizard gets board and turns everything on the planet other than himself into a penguin.

"I think I shall .....then take a wife, bring up children, till the land, and undermine the morals of my peasants by distilling vast quantities of brandy. If, in ten years or so, you visit this part of the world, you will find a fellow with a big moustache who curses and swears immoderately, detests the French, and flogs his hounds and servants brutally, though all the while tyrannised over by his wife. I shall wear leather breeches, let people make fun of me at the wool market in Stettin, and if they address me as 'herr Baron', I shall stroke my moustache good-naturedly and sell my wool two talers cheaper in consequence. Indeed, I shall get drunk pretty often, and shall be always talking about crops and horses."
---Otto Von Bismarck, in a letter to the American John Motley, at age 19.

One die to rule them all, one die to find them,
Once die to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.


Gods, grant me the Will save to accept the things I cannot change
The DM to fudge the rolls of things I can
And a Wisdom high enough with the sufficient bonus to know the difference.
--Kalidor's Prayer

"The aim of the RPG is not to eventually create a story. Any story that evolves during or after play is a bonus that is developed by the participants who enjoyed playing a game." - E. Gary Gygax

"Don't ya hate it when you're life is a play and you're the only one who doesn't know the lines?"
                                     ~Tony Fish(Me!)

"You are not only wrong in your call, but possibly are the worst DM ever, akin to some sort of biblical plague. I'm surprised that your players don't start bleeding from their eyes or spontaneously combusting from being in the same room with you, let alone survive subjecting themselves to what you've termed a game." --Bitnine, my hero of sarcasm.

Never argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience, every time.

Cleric 3: 200Gp Holy Items
Wizard 3: 500Gp Scrolls and Books
True Necromancer 14: 2000gp in Black Onyx
Having enough power to animate 200HD of undead: Priceless

"It is my experience that idiots are pretty rare. If everyone you meet is an idiot, chances are it isn't them." -William Knite

Player: I never saw it!! I swear...
DM: ...its colossal size and red ...and breathing fire...
Player: yeah but the sun was in my eyes!!
DM: ...ITS NIGHT TIME!!!!!

Sword of True Striking
Every attack with this weapon is made at +20 to hit.
strong brokenation
Prerequisites: CL novice; 5 ranks in Stupid DM, 20 levels in munchkin player;
Market Price: unavailable in most campaigns; freely given in Oz.

WHAT since when do we have a Base attack bounus!-Ranger
NO I said I prepare my spells! (me) no you didnt you have to meditate (him) the hell I didnt. gets up and walk out my door-Druid
I can play lute In the middle of town LUTE SOLO (me) ok roll preform check *rolls a 1* (him) no I had Metallica mastery cast I win I win-Bard



it's all in how you mix the two and it starts just where the light exists it's a feeling that you cannot miss and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it

well you're never gonna find it if you're looking for it won't come your way well you'll never find it if you're looking for it should've done something but I've done it enough by the way your hands were shaking rather waste some time with you and you never would have thought in the end how amazing it feels just to live again it's a feeling that you cannot miss it burns a hole through everyone that feels it well you're never gonna find it if you're looking for it won't come your way well you'll never find it if you're looking for it . . .

she said "its not that i dont love you anymore, but it would be much more accurate to say that i never loved you in the first place."

If the ocean was vodka and i was a duck id swim to the bottom and never come up.but the oceans not vodka, im not a duck so pass the bottle and shut the fuck up!

* "Lord and Master, Crimson Dragon Dyonysus, your servant Patsy humbly informs you that there is a group of heroes come to challenge you."
      "What are they, 1st-level warriors?"
      "No, my lord."
      "4th-level dwarf fighters?"
      "I'm afraid not."
      "Elves?"
      "No, lord."
      "Well what then? Speak."
      "It appears to be an adventuring party, my lord. They've got a woman clad only in rags who punched through our portcullis with her bare hands, an angry looking chap with a rediculously huge sword, a wizard that seems to have blown up or melted all of our conscripts, and a very short person who seems to have stolen all of our tapestries."
      "Aw, crap. I'm not powerful enough for a TPK... I know! Fair Patsy, go out and tell them that your just and incredibly sexy dragon lord has just stepped out for a meal. "
"My lord, your wisdom is eternal."

As long as mankind exists in this world, there will always be battles. And denouncing battles will never lead to peace. It is natural for this world to continue fighting."
Treize Khushrenada (Gundam Wing)

Have you also checked out the Arcane spell Gullibility in the 3.5 player's handbook? Highly amusing!

Long ago....
i said i'd die for you
After all this time.....
It's still true
        ~Jamie


-DM: What are you trying to do?
Ranger: im going to go look for an animal companion
DM: You arent fourth level yet, there are no animals in the forest
Bard: why don't you just get some wolf eggs?
Wizard: haha,... you're dumb.

-DM: most animals drink milk when they are kittens.
-Bard(ooc): i cant run away, ill look like a pansy.
DM: Jack, you're a bard.
Bard: Oh, right... I am a pansy

-I run a dojo of coolness

-dating is prostitution only you don't always get what you paid for

Originally Posted by Hiryuu
After a trip to the plane of radiance, he does, indeed, have sunshine in a bag.
Quote:
Originally Posted by R.M.G.C.L.F.
If you have negative energy powering evil undead and positive energy for good ones, what the hell are the neutral ones powered by? D cell batteries?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melpomene
It would be my choice that, despite all the flavour, when two opposite forces pull; chaos and law, good and evil, orc and elf; the result is human.
Quote:
Originally Posted by UltimateReality
The homebrew doesn't have much for feats except possibly:
-Look, I'm an Elf Variant!: gain +2 to one stat, -2 to another, only taken once and at first level.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaerad
Btw, I know there wasn't much of a question here. I was kinda looking for some smart dudes to come in and be like, "RAW this is what this is and you can only do this" and then have some guys be all "well it makes sense that you can like this and that is the way that like they like to like how things make this into liking that and for all that you should get it." You know, what basically every thread turns into after 3 posts.

Originally Posted by JStegmaier
Translation: I haven't read the book. I haven't read the feat. But, I'll offer my opinion anyway. Don't worry, my opinion is about as well informed as that of a three-year-old's opinion on the living conditions of fourth planet orbitting Alpha Centauri A, so you don't need listen to me

DM: Alright, ya'll shutup now!
*everyone quiets*
DM: Ok, Cognic (yours truly) what do you want to do again?
Me: I was gonna go get a soda, want one?
DM: ...What kind?
Me: Pepsi
DM: *rolls dice* Nah...

sonic orb? how exactly does that work? what, you just conjured an orb of damaging sound from somewhere and threw it at someone.... riiii-iiight... 'cause you know, them things is lyin' around all over the place. why, just the other day i saw three of 'em sittin' on my front lawn, just waitin' ta get conjured. you know, right next to the orb of non-magical force dispensing machine. not to mention the non-magical orbs containing a non-solid (non-magical) material at near absolute 0 my neighbour has. they make such beautiful lawn ornaments.

"Then, suddenly, you behold the beholder beholding you beholding it and BEHOLD! . . . . . . . . roll d20 . . . " - Tony the DM 1981

Emo girls just want to kiss emo boys, emo boys just want to kiss other emo boys, and they all want to wear tight pants and take lots of pictures of themselves. End of story.

~Brandans Friend, Shane.

"Life's like a box of chocolates, largely in that I kinda wish I had one."-B. D. L. M.

Its very simple really. The Fighter gets to 20th Level by keeping the wizard alive at 1st level so many times that the wizard is utterly indebted to said fighter. Then, in the mid levels, the fighter serves as the physical imposition between the wizard and the baddies so the wizard has time to blast said baddies to the stone age. Then, at high levels, the Fighter stands near the wizard sipping tequila sunrises watching the fireworks and hauling off the treasure to pay for the wizard school so his children can be wizards instead of fighters.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Emperor Napolean Bonaparte

THE LORD OF THE DICE:

It began with the forging of the Great Dice.

Three were given to the Rules Lawyers:
Unstoppable, smartest and most knowladgeable of all beings.

Seven to the Role-Players:
Great players story tellers of the game tables.

And nine.....nine dice were gifted to the Min/Maxers:
Who above all else, desire power.

For within these dice was bound the the strength and will to lead each cult.
But they were all of them decived, for another die was made.
In the land of Garweeze, in the caffeine waters of Mount BOOM, the Dark Lord Kenzer forged in secret a Master Die to control all others. And into the Die he poured his luck, his chaotic evil, and his will to dominate all game sessions.


One Die to rule them all.

One by one the free tables of GenCon fell to the power of the Die, but there were some who resisted.
A last alliance of Min/Maxers and Rules Lawyers marched against the mind slaves of Garweeze and on the slopes of Mount BOOM, they fought for the freedom of GenCon.
Victory was near....

But the power of the Die could not be undone
________________________________________________________________

Wait for the boy who can make an oridionary moment seem magical. The kind of boy who brings out the best in you and makes you want to become a better person. Wait for the boy who wants to be your best friend. The boy who will drop everything at any time for you no matter what the circumstances. Wait for the boy who makes you smile like no one else. And when he smiles your heart melts and you know he needs you. But most of all wait for the boy who will put you in the center of his universe, because that is where you belong


"I want to hear you talk, I want to hear you breathe, I want to hear your heart beat because that's the only way I know I'm still alive"
                        ~Me

3/27/04
Amanda: "I have a vorpal letter opener and we need some rope.."
Cunningham: "I have the rum."
Amanda: "We don't need any rum."
Cunninghame: "You don't."

Dude, in a game where mages throw fire and lightning, and the cleric can bring people back from the dead with the wave of a hand, dervishes kill 20 opponents in 6 seconds, war hulks / hulking hurlers can throw boulders the size of pluto, and halfling ranger/exemplars can hide from you while standing ten feet away in broad daylight, in the middle of the desert, with absolutely nothing between the two of you; are you really going to complain that the group has the ability to open a friggin door?
- from a discussion of not brokenness of "knock".

"You can look at the road ahead of you, or you can stare in the rear view mirror.  But, if you are looking into the mirror you are probably going to crash"

"Hard work may pay off in the long run, but laziness always pays off right now!"
                                                                          ~Elan, Order of the Stick

"Dragons: color-coded for your convenience"
                                                               ~Elan, Order of the Stick

"Love makes the world go round.  And has been known to provide a +2 circumstance bonus to certain skill checks"              
                                                                  ~Varsuuvius, Order of the Stick

"Look at us, crowded into our matchbox-like little world. Seperated into good and bad according to the standards set by adults. Stripped of our wings and forced into compliance."

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought,
but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
- Albert Einstein

If stupidity were bricks, you'd be the Great Wall of China!

Well, I'd tell you, but since the story involves a kender, three LeShay exotic dancers, a bottle of something powerful enough to get a living contruct drunk, the Lady of Pain's garterbelt and a time travel device, you probably wouldn't believe me anyways. Which is a shame, because it was really one heck of an adventure...


Q:Whats the sound of a dark elf getting fried by Lightning Bolt?

A: DRIZZT.

"I think that the character should be the primary focus, and not the class." â,¬' WolfHati

"In fact, the highest, subtlest, most effective form of powergaming of all is to play the character your DM wishes he were playing." -- Tony Vargas

I am never wrong, merely misinformed, incorrect or making it up

You woudn't understand, you're not 15th level - Nick "The Terrible" Terube

Whoa, wait a damn minute! I could swear I just got compared to a Mindflayer! â,¬' Jukar

Shiny Blue Lightning
Evocation
Level: DM 0
Componants: V, S, F
Casting Time: Free Action
Range: Infinite
Targets: Any number of offending PC's
Duration: However long it takes
Saving Throw: None
Spell Resistance: No

A bolt of shining blue lightning materialises out of nowhere directly above the offending PC and hits him dealing Xd6 damage where X is equal to the Dm's choice. Afterwards it is explained to the player exactly why his PC just got hit by lightning.

Focus: Shiny Blue Dice (Not necessary, For effect only)

Is it harder to forgive.... or be the one who has to  be forgiven? ~Me

Ed: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
Eric: A gazebo? What color is it?
Ed: [pause] It's white, Eric.
Eric: How far away is it?
Ed: About 50 yards.
Eric: How big is it?
Ed: [pause] It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
Eric: I use my sword to detect good on it.
Ed: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.
Eric: [pause] I call out to it.
Ed: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.
Eric: [pause] I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?
Ed: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!
Eric: I shoot it with my bow. [roll to hit] What happened?
Ed: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
Eric: [pause] Wasn't it wounded?
Ed: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO!
Eric: [whimper] But that was a +3 arrow!
Ed: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try. It's a @#$%!! gazebo!
Eric: [long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.] I run away.
Ed: [thoroughly frustrated] It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you.
Eric: [reaching for his dice] Maybe I'll roll up a fireusing mage so I can avenge my Paladin.


The story of Eric and the Gazebo is Copyright Ã,© 1989 by Richard Aronson. Reprinted with permission. The author grants permission to reprint as long as all copyright notices remain with the text.
Reply With Quote

I call upon thee, great beings of night
grant me the pwer to invoke ths rite
I call upon the intellectual might
of the great sage, fireivyflight

Do what you know to be right. If the rightness of an action doesn't make itself known to you, do what you believe to be correct. If the correctness of an action is unclear, do what feels good. And if nothing feels good, take a nap.

My Motto:  "If you sit in one place long enough, everything you want will come to you."
               ...and it's proven itself time and time again...

unofficial member of P.O.A.D. (Pissed Off And Depressed)
                                We have hats!

Q: Why do people keep living, when all they want is to die?  

A: Because, we really have nothing better to do

I like a lot of people better on aim.  As a matter of fact, you should date people based on how they are on aim.  That way looks don't matter and you know the person by who they are when they're not showing off, not being stupid, just being them
                          ~Me, duh!

If there really is a God, then why does he torture us so?  I've finally found all that I want, and it's the only thing I can't have...          
                  What did I ever do!?!?!?!

â,¬Å"Iâ,¬,,¢m dying, you have to tell meâ,¬Â

Because no matter what we say, dragons are just experience points in a lizard shaped container

Friends are like skittles.
They come in many colors,
And some are fruity.


I once was here, But now I'm not.  I'm round the corner, Smoking pot.  I wrote this poem, To prove a point.  Life's not worth living, Without a joint.
[/spoiler]

"half the lies they tell about me arent true"

"always go to other peoples funerals, otherwise they wont go to yours"

"the future aint what it used to be"

-yogi berra

Quote from: Natural 20"Planets, as objects, are immune to critical hits.." - Elmaster of Thay, 12/26/03

That one is going in my book :)

Quote from: Natural 20"Masks hide only the face on the outside". - Esme Weatherwax

Anything Granny ever said is pretty much quotable. One of my favorite characters in all of literature, that unexplainable Weatherwax.

Quote from: Luminous Crayon

Quote from: Natural 20"Masks hide only the face on the outside". - Esme Weatherwax

Anything Granny ever said is pretty much quotable. One of my favorite characters in all of literature, that unexplainable Weatherwax.

More quotable than Sgt. Colon, the very majesty of the law?

Just barely, but yes.

It is introspective, and I want to introspect.
Sherlock Holmes

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. This has caused alot of problems and has generally been regarded as a bad move.
HHGTTG

[fortune]

I just beat you all. ALL OF YOU!

Latin is a dead tongue
As dead as it can be.
First it killed the Romans,
now it's killing me.
   --Found scribbled in my high school Latin textbook, eons ago

"Hey guys! Watch this!" --Bubba's last words

"Statistics show that if your parents didn't have children, then neither will you." - Anon.

Quote from: brainface[fortune]

I just beat you all. ALL OF YOU!

The closing lines from Doug Robarchek's halloween column about supernatural creatures who eat human children for dinner:

QuoteShakespeare nearly said it clearly:
Lord, what foods these morsels be!

I've always been amused by that one.

I never understood why they call it fortune when you are just getting random quotes and not fortunes. There seem to be a lot from Mark Twain.

[fortune]
[fortune]
[fortune]

I didn't realize they were always randomized. I'm tempted to put that tag in my signature, so that every post I make will be accompanied by... er... stuff?

Yep but brainface beat you to it.

... he did what?

Curse you, brainface! I will have my revenge! And revenge is a dish best served [spoiler]with pinto beans and mustard![/spoiler]

Best served spoiler? :P

And of course, the newest classical political discussion line:

"Yo Blair." - George Bush.

Quote from: PoseidonThere seem to be a lot from Mark Twain.

All fortune quotes are actually either quotes from Mark Twain, Dave Berry, or both of them speaking together. Any fortune quote with a different citation is falsly attributed.

"Some people say that I must be a terrible person, but itâ,¬,,¢s not true. I have the heart of a young boy in a jar on my desk" -Stephen King

Most of CBotG (http://www.thecbg.org/e107_plugins/forum/forum_viewtopic.php?7471)'s responses

oh yeah almost forgot:
[fortune]

You know, if everyone is doing fortune, then it's extremely unlikely that we're going to be able to have a bunch of "favorites" here... seeing as fortune is kinda based on randomality ;)

Eh I've been adding quotes when I do the fortune. I just like the fortune tag. :)

"Royalty is like dandelions.  No matter how many heads you chop off, the roots are still there underground, waiting to spring up again." --Terry Pratchett, Feet of Clay


"His movements could be called cat-like, except that he did not stop to spray urine up against things." -- Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

"When Mister Safety Catch Is Not On, Mister Crossbow Is Not Your Friend." -- Terry Pratchett, Night Watch


"Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on." -- Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life." -- Terry Pratchett, Jingo

"He's going to go totally Librarian-poo." -- Gaspode about Vimes, Terry Pratchett, The Truth

"That's right," he said. "We're philosophers. We think, therefore we am." -- Terry Pratchett, Small Gods

"Gee, I wish people wouldn't leave open graves lying around like this."
-- Buffy

"The bird's dead, Dru. You left it in a cage, and you didn't feed it, and now it's all dead, just like the last one."
-- Spike

"If the apocalypse comes, beep me."  
-- Buffy

Lot's of good ones from Buffy and angel

"I've got dibs on the dragon."
~Angel

Wrong!  Let me help you ;)

"You take the thirty thousand on the right, I take the thirty thousand on the left?"
 - Gunn

"Well, personally, I kinda want to slay the dragon."
 - Angel

Angel and Buffy (and Firefly) are excellent sources of humorous quotes.

Quote from: IshmaylWrong!  Let me help you ;)

"You take the thirty thousand on the right, I take the thirty thousand on the left?"
 - Gunn

"Well, personally, I kinda want to slay the dragon."
 - Angel

Pardon me, I saw that episode over a year ago.  I figured I could reconstruct the quote.  thanks for fixing it.

Yeah, I wasn't meaning that to sound as ass-holish as it probably sounded ;)

It's cool

So you see, by applying the basic principles of the scientific method to the matter, we learn very quickly that the myth of the chupacabra is just that - utter crap. Now, if you apply the same principles to Catholicism, an interesting thing occurs... --Dr. Venture

That is an awesome quote. I remember the blackboard being hilarious as well, but I can't recall exactly what was on it.

What's that from?

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

-- Wm. Shakespeare, King Henry V

Here is a book I think I can wholeheartedly recommend to ... well, everyone really.  It's entitled Finite and Infinite Games, by James Carse.  It is a philosophical exploration of human relationships.  

[spoiler=Here are some quotes]It is an invariable principle of all play, finite and infinite, that whoever plays, plays freely.  Whoever must play, cannot play.

A finite game is played for the purpose of winning, an infinite game for the purpose of continuing play.

Finite players play within boundaries.  Infinite players play with boundaries.

To be prepared against surprise is to be trained.  To be prepared for surprise is to be educated.

Evil is not the inclusion of finite games in an infinite game, but the restriction of all play to one or another finite game.

Because patriotism is the desire to contain all other finite games within itself, it is inherently evil.[/spoiler]
 


And here are a few quotes from the first episode of my favorite one-season wonder, Wonderfalls -

[spoiler=Dialogue from the show]It's not physical, it's emotional.  She lives in a trailer park.  Clearly she's disturbed, I mean, clearly.
       -Aaron, trying to explain why his sistor, Jaye, collapsed at work.  And getting it wrong.

Darren:  Maybe she should talk to Doctor Ron.
Karen:  I really don't want her talking to my therapist.  She'll give him ideas.
       -Jaye's radically overbearing parents.

I think we should put her down.
       -Sharon, Jaye's sister, same conversation, just trying to be helpful.

Doctor Ron:  I understand there's some animosity between you and your sister.  Care to elaborate?
Jaye:  She hates me.  
Doctor Ron:  How does that make you feel?
Jaye:  One less person to worry about.
       -Jaye and Doctor Ron, not getting to the heart of the issue.

Jaye:  I'm confused.
Doctor Ron:  That's perfectly normal.
The Brass Monkey bookend on Doctor Ron's desk:  Perfectly normal.
       -Same therapy session; the talking bookend getting right to the heart of the issue.

Mahandra:  Why'd you steal that monkey?
Jaye:  It told me to.
Mahandra:  Is it going to tell me to steal something?
Jaye:  I'd be so happy if it did you have no idea.
       -Jaye and her best friend Mahandra, with the Brass Monkey bookend on the bar in front of them.

Jaye:  I fainted today.  Word on the street is it's stress.
Mahandra:  You don't have stress.
Jaye:  I have lots of stress!  I work retail!
       -Jaye and Mahandra, regarding the 'sode(short for episode.)

You're spiteful in a way the definition of spiteful doesn't quite prepare you for.  Don't drop your jaw at me - disappointing your family is an extreme sport for you.
       -Mahandra to Jaye

Well, just look at them.  They all work really hard and they're  all dissatisfied.  I can be dissatisfied without hardly working at all.
       -Jaye to Mahandra

Your ass is ringing.
       -Jaye, to the new bartender, Eric, regarding his cell phone

Jaye:  Don't you have work in New Jersey?
Eric:  I'm pretty sure they're gonna fire me when I don't show up.
Jaye:  That's awesome.
       -Jaye and Eric, regarding his unplanned relocation to Niagara Falls

Jaye:  Why are you being such a cow?  You're my sister.
Sharon:  You tell people we're not related.
Jaye:  It was just that one time.
Sharon:  It was Grandpa's wake.
       -Jaye and Sharon, clearing the air

Jaye:  Does Mom know?
Sharon:  She would unspool.
Jaye:  Can I tell her?
       -Jaye and Sharon, regarding Sharon being a lesbian[/spoiler]


(I would have put all those under a tag, but I forgot the code for that.  I'm pretty sure I've been told an even hundred times, now.)

(The tabs were added in edit.  Thanks sdragon1984!)

My favourite from a certain website...

QuoteThe Past
We at {---------} have been happily hosting our clients' dreams (and websites) since April 1997 - close to a century ago in Internet years! That was when we (four Computer Science undergraduates at hmc.edu in Claremont, CA) launched this company with no capital apart from a single Pentium 100 web server (Destro was her name), using shared bandwidth on a T1 line that a friend gave us at no cost.

By necessity we had to be frugal, but even with our less than ample resources we always did our best to provide a quality service at a reasonable price. Those early days quickly taught us the technical expertise and market savvy necessary to survive in our industry, as well as teaching us to respect each and every customer's wishes, dealing with them as though they were our friends. Hey, most of them were!

It's hard to believe that we've already grown to over 700 servers (each with over 50 times the processing power of Destro), a state of the art data center, and a full time staff of 40. Even though we now grow more in a day than we did in our first three months of business, we've always made it our number one priority to deal with every client as a human being and as a friend. We like to think that that, more than anything else, is the real reason for our current success.

Now hosting over 200,000 web sites, we've definitely come a long way since 1997. But we can see there's still a long road in front of us. We don't know exactly where it will lead; all we know is that the trip will be fun, and we wish you'd come with us!

The thing that sucks about dreamhost is that it would be utterly fantastic without the downtime. Like, we've got massive bandwidth, massive storage space, we can actually install executables on the server, run scripts in everything from php to c++--heck, we can compile code on the server (if we really wanted to)--but we can't use any of that if a generator catches on fire. :(

edit- any time :)

Quote from: IshmaylWhat's that from?

First season Venture Brothers episode.

Derail!

QuoteFirst season Venture Brothers episode.

EXCELLENT show.


Un-Derail.

Besides the quote in my signature, I really like the following:

The beauty of religious mania is that it has the power to explain everything. Once God (or Satan) is accepted as the first cause of everything which happens in the mortal world, nothing is left to chance...logic can be happily tossed out the window.-Steven King

Yeah man, I tell ya what, man. That dang ol' Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. It's real easy, man. -Boomhauer, from King of the Hill

Don't rejoice in his defeat, you men. Although the world stood up and stopped the Bastard, the Bitch that bore him is in heat again. â,¬' Bertolt Brecht, 1945-05-06

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." - Albert Einstein

Quote from: BinabikA man's soul is in peril when his feet are hurting.

"Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning, he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'."

    -- Rincewind discussing Twoflower Terry Pratchett, The Colour of Magic

"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"

    -- Terry Pratchett, Mort


Chain-mail isn't much defence against an arrow. It certainly isn't when the arrow is being aimed between your eyes.

    -- Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies


It's not enough to be able to pick up a sword. You have to know which end to poke into the enemy.

    -- Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

- "Sodomy non sapiens," said Albert under his breath.
- "What does that mean?"
- "Means I'm buggered if I know."

    -- Terry Pratchett, Mort


"I think  -- tide turning -- see, as I remember  -- I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of  -- it's easy to see a tide turn  -- did I say those words?"  --George W. Bush, asked if the tide was turning in Iraq, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006


"You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone."  --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." --George W. Bush, Tucson, Ariz., Nov. 28, 2005


â,¬Å"I may not have been the greatest president, but I've had the most fun eight years.â,¬Â
--Bill Clinton


Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
--Dave Barry

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
--Dave Barry

"I think we all agree that history is in the past." - George W. Bush.

"I know how hard it is to put food on your family." - George W. Bush.

Quote from: More weird lawsArizona (US): Donkeys can not sleep in a bath tube.

Scotland: It is forbidden to have a cow with you when you're drunk.

Chico, California (US): Detonating a nuclear weapon in the domesticated area results in a $500 fine.

Chicago, Illinois (US): It is forbidden to eat in a building that is on fire.

Italy: A man can be arrested for wearing skirts.

Kansas (US): It is forbidden to catch fish with one's bare hands.

France: One can not call his pig Napoleon.

Louisiana (US): Citizens can grow as tall as they want.

Kentucky (US): One is required to bathe at least once a year.

The Netherlands: Prostitutes pay their taxes just like any other entrepreneur.

West Virginia (US): An animal that is hit by a car and killed can be brought home to be eaten.

Thailand: It is forbidden to stand on Thai money.

Massachusetts (US): It is forbidden to use bullets as a currency.

England: Boys under the age of ten are not allowed to see fashion dolls naked.

Wilbur, Washingtion (US): It is forbidden to ride in the streets on an ugly horse.

Saudi-Arabia: Male doctors can not examine female patients. A female can not be a doctor.

Winnipeg (Canada): It is forbidden to walk around the house naked while the curtains are open.

New Mexico (US): A woman can not be seen in public unshaved.

Weird U.S. law:  It is illegal in the U.S. to engrave in stone or metal the name Benedict Arnold.

i wasnt going to quote the commander in chief, but since hes already been quoted.....

"where there is water, there is air. where there is air, we can breathe."
- G.W. Bush

Facts are stupid things. -- Ronald Reagan

Status quo, you know, that is Latin for "the mess we're in."
-- Ronald Reagan

"The most terrifying words in the English langauge are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
-Ronald Reagan.

i personally like
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." - Albert Einstein
plus the two in my sig.
especially the Merv quote

I've always liked that one too, supadupaman.  Slightly on subject to yours, here's one I like:

"Our government always panics whenever we talk about China, because they look at the charts, and they see that China is going to surpass us in power by 2050... of course, the joke's on them, because by then, we'll be out of oxygen."

-Bill Maher

"{anything the man said}"
-bill hicks

More I learn about humanity, more I love my dog.
-Frederik the Great.

Law is very equal affair: Both rich and poor are forbidden to sleep under the bridges or to beg for bread.
-Anatole France

If you first don't succeed, try, try again.
Then stop as there is no need to make compleate idiot out of youself.
-W.C Fields.  

It takes a man secure in his heterosexuality to have sex with another man.
-Donald Gayeman; This is Otakudom

In response to the total "ownage" experienced by Golem011 earlier today, I thought to share a quote with you all from the man who made it possible.  Let's give a big hand to the Iron Chancellor and engineer of the unification of Germany, Otto vooooon Bismarck!

Quote from: Otto Von Bismarck"I think I shall .....then take a wife, bring up children, till the land, and undermine the morals of my peasants by distilling vast quantities of brandy. If, in ten years or so, you visit this part of the world, you will find a fellow with a big moustache who curses and swears immoderately, detests the French, and flogs his hounds and servants brutally, though all the while tyrannised over by his wife. I shall wear leather breeches, let people make fun of me at the wool market in Stettin, and if they address me as 'herr Baron', I shall stroke my moustache good-naturedly and sell my wool two talers cheaper in consequence. Indeed, I shall get drunk pretty often, and shall be always talking about crops and horses."
---Otto Von Bismarck, in a letter to the American John Motley, at age 19.

Funny how these things crop up, eh? ;)

Quote from: Natural 20In response to the total "ownage" experienced by Golem011 earlier today, I thought to share a quote with you all from the man who made it possible.  Let's give a big hand to the Iron Chancellor and engineer of the unification of Germany, Otto vooooon Bismarck!

Quote from: Otto Von Bismarck"I think I shall .....then take a wife, bring up children, till the land, and undermine the morals of my peasants by distilling vast quantities of brandy. If, in ten years or so, you visit this part of the world, you will find a fellow with a big moustache who curses and swears immoderately, detests the French, and flogs his hounds and servants brutally, though all the while tyrannised over by his wife. I shall wear leather breeches, let people make fun of me at the wool market in Stettin, and if they address me as 'herr Baron', I shall stroke my moustache good-naturedly and sell my wool two talers cheaper in consequence. Indeed, I shall get drunk pretty often, and shall be always talking about crops and horses."
---Otto Von Bismarck, in a letter to the American John Motley, at age 19.

My old wotcee sig, quoted again!

And since we are on the subject of old Bizzie,

"The trees are our ancestors."


On an unrelated note, I used to have a pair of cockatiels named Otto von Bismarck and Johanna von Putkamer, his wife.   They whistled Mozart tunes...

Quote from: Natural 20In response to the total "ownage" experienced by Golem011 earlier today, I thought to share a quote with you all from the man who made it possible.  Let's give a big hand to the Iron Chancellor and engineer of the unification of Germany, Otto vooooon Bismarck!

Quote from: Otto Von Bismarck"I think I shall .....then take a wife, bring up children, till the land, and undermine the morals of my peasants by distilling vast quantities of brandy. If, in ten years or so, you visit this part of the world, you will find a fellow with a big moustache who curses and swears immoderately, detests the French, and flogs his hounds and servants brutally, though all the while tyrannised over by his wife. I shall wear leather breeches, let people make fun of me at the wool market in Stettin, and if they address me as 'herr Baron', I shall stroke my moustache good-naturedly and sell my wool two talers cheaper in consequence. Indeed, I shall get drunk pretty often, and shall be always talking about crops and horses."
---Otto Von Bismarck, in a letter to the American John Motley, at age 19.

My old wotcee sig, quoted again!

Whoa, that was yours?  Small world...

Quote from: CYMROOn an unrelated note, I used to have a pair of cockatiels named Otto von Bismarck and Johanna von Putkamer, his wife. They whistled Mozart tunes...

Truly awesome. What tunes did they whistle?

Quote from: CYMRO, Brassica BrigadierOn an unrelated note, I used to have a pair of cockatiels named Otto von Bismarck and Johanna von Putkamer, his wife.   They whistled Mozart tunes...

you really cant get much more high class then having pets named after political figures from modern european history; unless, of course, said pets can whistle classical music....

Quote from: Luminous Crayon

Quote from: CYMROOn an unrelated note, I used to have a pair of cockatiels named Otto von Bismarck and Johanna von Putkamer, his wife. They whistled Mozart tunes...

Eine kleine nacht musik selections, mostly.

Nature abhors dimensional abnormalities, and seals them neatly away so that they don't upset people. Nature, in fact, abhors a lot of things, including vacuums, ships called the "Marie Celeste", and the chuck keys for electric drills.

    -- Terry Pratchett, Pyramids



Thunder rolled. ... It rolled a six.

    -- Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!


"[...] a number of offences of murder by means of a blunt instrument, to whit, a dragon, and many further offences of generalized abetting [...]"

    -- Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

From my superhero game this week.

When facing down a badass supervillain who had started getting his monologue on:

Villain: "I suppose you have many questions for me."
Magic-using hero: "Yeah. Why does Team Rocket always kidnap Pikachu?"

Wisdom.

"Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish."
    -Albert Einstein

From my best friends...

"Sanity is overrated."
~ Xathan

"Arson solves all problems."
~ Nastynate

"Drink your fill, but only from an empty glass"
~ Andy



From my life...

"You can't just live in your own little world forever!" ~ my mom
"Watch me" ~ my response

"Whoever originated the cliche that money is the root of all evil knew hardly anything about the nature of evil and very little about human beings."  --Eric Hoffer


"Man is a luxury loving animal. Take away play, fancies, and luxuries, and you will turn man into a dull, sluggish creature, barely energetic enough to obtain a bare subsistence. A society becomes stagnant when its people are too rational or too serious to be tempted by baubles."  --Eric Hoffer

"This whole Case is like a chocolate jigsaw puzzle: It's messy, it sticks to your fingers and you don't know whether to fit the peices together or just take a big bite." - Jack Leaderboard (from the comic Platinum Grits)

"The fact that the Earth has never been a sandwich is probably why things are so f*cked up." - ZeFrank

"Men good for Snu-Snu??!" -Futurama

"The vanqished is reassured with an empty message:
... In time peace is vindicated if achieved through death."
Nostradamus
From 1Q38

Also by Nostradamus:
"They will think they have seen the sun at night,
When they see the half-pig man:
Noise, chants, battles fought in the sky:
And one will hear brute beasts speaking."
1Q64

"Manbearpig"
Al Gore
(on Southpark)

nostradamus was on some pretty heavy stuff.

Quote from: brainfacenostradamus was on some pretty heavy stuff.

Who reads a prophecy that isn't trippy?
Who fulfills a prophecy that understands it?

"Attention restaurant customers: Testicles. That is all." --Peter Griffin

"I can't believe that whore stole my stanza!" --Henchman 21

"I can't believe that whore made it past the lake of acid." --henchman 24

This is from The Venture Brothers, Fallen Arches epilogue.

Quote from: beejazz"The vanqished is reassured with an empty message:
... In time peace is vindicated if achieved through death."
Nostradamus
From 1Q38

Also by Nostradamus:
"They will think they have seen the sun at night,
When they see the half-pig man:
Noise, chants, battles fought in the sky:
And one will hear brute beasts speaking."
1Q64

interestingly enough, have you ever seen the masks worn by jetfighter pilots?

dude you know he's referring to this guy:
 (http://www.prisoner34.com/dnd/pigcall.jpg)

Seriously, man. the prophesy has been fulfilled.

this guy can only hope to fulfill the kinda like an elephant man and not so much a pig prophecy.
(http://www.prisoner34.com/dnd/afhelmet.jpg)

Quote from: sdragon1984, ona'envalya

Quote from: beejazz"The vanqished is reassured with an empty message:
... In time peace is vindicated if achieved through death."
Nostradamus
From 1Q38

Also by Nostradamus:
"They will think they have seen the sun at night,
When they see the half-pig man:
Noise, chants, battles fought in the sky:
And one will hear brute beasts speaking."
1Q64

interestingly enough, have you ever seen the masks worn by jetfighter pilots?

Shiiiiiit....
Don't tell me we're reading the same book.
'Cause that is exactly what John Hogue said.

And brainface... wow.
Just. Plain. Wow.

Quote from: beejazz

Quote from: sdragon1984, ona'envalya

Quote from: beejazz"The vanqished is reassured with an empty message:
... In time peace is vindicated if achieved through death."
Nostradamus
From 1Q38

Also by Nostradamus:
"They will think they have seen the sun at night,
When they see the half-pig man:
Noise, chants, battles fought in the sky:
And one will hear brute beasts speaking."
1Q64

interestingly enough, have you ever seen the masks worn by jetfighter pilots?

Shiiiiiit....
Don't tell me we're reading the same book.
'Cause that is exactly what John Hogue said.

And brainface... wow.
Just. Plain. Wow.

actually, i got that from some TV documentary on nostradamus, but i remember that i had seen the comparison betweeen "pig-men" and jetfighter pilot masks well before i saw the documentary...

im sure i couldve came to that conclusion on my own. by the way, youve piqued my intrest- what book are you reading?

brainface- youre right. the last anti-christ, the person with the power to send the entire world into apocolyptic warfare couldnt possibly be somebody with an air force at hand. it HAS to be some guy at a county fair....

Wait... third antichrist? MABUS? MABUS IS A PIG-MAN?!!
We're DOOMED!

Quote from: beejazzWait... third antichrist? MABUS? MABUS IS A PIG-MAN?!!
We're DOOMED!

not quite....

wish to continue this discussion in PM, so this thread can return to the regular quotes? speaking of which.....

[spoiler]

Quote from: oscar wildewhen a quotes thread gets jacked, you know im going to show up sooner or later

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.

    -- Terry Pratchett

[spoiler=Political humour. Keep out if easily offended.]"That's right, they're very keen to take on their next project-- the Reconstruction of New Orleans. As the resonance of the incident has shown, Hezbollah may be composed of undereducated extremist Islamic militiamen, but at least they're not FEMA."

-Daily Show with Jon Stewart, on Hezbollah campaigns to reconstruct Lebanon[/spoiler]

BLAMESTORMING----Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER---A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves you to clean up the mess.

CUBE FARM---An office filled with cubicles

PRARIE DOGGING---When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peopleâ,¬,,¢s heads pop up over the walls to see whatâ,¬,,¢s going on.

CROP DUSTING---Secretly passing gas while passing through a cube farm.

ASSMOSIS---The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard!


-I don't know who to give credit to, these are not mine

"Thereâ,¬,,¢s only two possibilities: There is life out there in the universe which is smarter than we are, or weâ,¬,,¢re the most intelligent life in the universe. Either way, itâ,¬,,¢s a mighty sobering thought." - Porkypine in Walt Kelly's Pogo.

"This whole Case is like a chocolate jigsaw puzzle: It's messy, it sticks to your fingers and you don't know whether to fit the peices together or just take a big bite." - Jack Leaderboard from Platinum Grit

"The surest sign that there is intelligent life in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."â,¬'Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

And for the next one, the point isn't the quote itself but how I responded to it.  Please think before responding.
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing - Edmund Burke - Irish orator, philosopher, & politician (1729 - 1797)
"So therefore you shall all be placed under mind control!"â,¬'Me

[spoiler=naughty word use inside]

Quote from: Tim, from last night's Sci-fi club meeting"sure, the Gladius is pretty sweet, being a giant knife and all, but the morningstar is way better.  It jut says "hi, the 12th century is here, and it fucking hates you!"

"Release the drop bears!" - Dirk Anger
"You know... throwing little koala bears out of an airplane just doesn't seem right." - Soldier

"Ha. Suffer fleshy ones. Fear my robot head." - Aaron Stack

"Back off now, Dirk." -Monica something-or-other
"Like hell. Deploy Homicide Crabs." -Dirk Anger
"This is getting silly now." -Monica

"Put the atomic puppies in the torpedo tubes! Yap yap bang! Ha ha ha ha ha! Yap yap bang!" -Dirk Anger

basically i could just quote all of Nextwave #4 (in fact, probably all of nextwave). That comic is the funniest thing ever.

"The hills are filled with evil. And where there's evil, there's something shiny!" - X-Play, advertising a vacation in Cyrodille

Will: This thing is going to save Elizabeth?
Jack: How much do you know about Davy Jones?
Will: Not much
Jack: Yeah.  It's going to save Elizabeth.
--Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

"Sanity is a madness put to good use."
  - George Santayana

[spoiler=Found this today, but it is totaly gross and imature]"Honestly. If you where the last female in the universe, I would microwave a grapefruit."[/spoiler]

"oh noes, the angel fish flies at dawn! the man-eating merman approaches! dun dun dun!"

-a friend of mine.

Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
  - Paul Gauguin

Human: you are not a person
CBotG: I am an artificial electronic robot brain.

Human: you have no soul
CBotG: Yes God gave everyone a soul.

edit- yes, i know the last comment was first, but it works in either direction. by the way, a friend of mine had this result:


Human: are you an analy retentive monkey lover?
CBotG: Yes I am an analy retentive monkey lover. How did you know?

(update):
Human: because i am god
CBotG: Good reason. I'm pleased to introduce myself to you, god.

edit- just one more, because this one is just too funny....

Human: what religion are you?
CBotG: I am a atheist.
Human: i thought you were christian
CBotG: Yes I believe in God and Jesus.

Quote from: Neil Gaiman"what's it like, then?" asked Old Bailey. "Being dead?"
   The marquis sighed. And then he twisted his lips up into a smile, and with a glitter of his old self, he replied, "Live long enough, Old Bailey, and you can find out for yourself."

"The floor tastes funny..."
   ~ From my World of Darkness game last night, after literally falling into a morgue. x.

[quote Crit]Salacious is insane. So insane, in fact, that he approaches lucidity from the other direction.[/quote]

Easy Pete: Dead Tom's dead. Long John shot him!
Walleyed Pike: But Dead Tom's always been dead. That's why he's called Dead Tom.

You know, on my own forum I am compiling a quotation dictionary. (http://khyron1144.proboards22.com/index.cgi?board=spam&action=display&thread=1107575778)


Here are some choice selections:
[spoiler=quotes]Beginnings
Whatever you do or dream you can do- begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it.
-Johann Goethe

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
-Semisonic, "Closing Time"

Can't say I've ever been too fond of beginnings, myself.  Messy little things.
-Atropos, The Sandman The Kindly Ones, written by Neil Gaiman


A
Action
Action taken without thought is like giving an egg a navel.
-Tar Gibbons, Aliens Ate My Homework by Bruce Coville

Advice
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE MAD
TO WORK HERE BUT IT HELPS
-a coffee mug, Going Postal by Terry Pratchett


Afterlife
Reincarnation is my only hope.
-Asok, the intern in Dilbert by Scott Adams

C
Capital Punishment
â,¬Å"Do you really think all this deters crime, Mr. Trooper?â,¬Â he said.
â,¬Å"Well, in the generality of things Iâ,¬,,¢d say itâ,¬,,¢s hard to tell, given that itâ,¬,,¢s hard to find evidence of crimes not committed,â,¬Â said the hangman, giving the trapdoor a final rattle.  Ã¢,¬Å"But in the specificality, sir, Iâ,¬,,¢d say itâ,¬,,¢s very efficacious.â,¬Â
â,¬Å"Meaning what?â,¬Â said Moist.
â,¬Å"Meaning Iâ,¬,,¢ve never seen someone up here moreâ,¬,,¢n once, sir.â,¬Â
-conversation between Moist von Lipwig, a condemned con man, and Mr. Trooper, the hangman, in Going Postal by Terry Pratchett

Clothing
One must commit acts of the highest treason only when dressed in the most resplendent finery.
-Sebastian O, Sebastian O by Grant Morrison

The dandy has one unique advantage over the common herd.  No matter what the situation, he will always be more exquisitely dressed than his enemies.  Therefore, he has already triumphed.
-Sebastian O, Sebastian O by Grant Morrison

D
Dairy
Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
-Mr. Mousebender, portrayed by John Cleese on Monty Python's Flying Circus in â,¬Å"The Cheese Shopâ,¬Â sketch

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
-G. K. Chesterton

"Me, I really like my cheese sandwiches."
-Johnny the Bull

G
God
How can I believe in God when just last week I go my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
-Woody Allen

If god exists, his motives are certainly unfathomable.
-Avatar, God's Debris by Scott Adams

What sort of arrogance assumes God is like people?
-Avatar, God's Debris by Scott Adams

H
Humor
Laughter is the very best medicine.
Remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
-Weird Al Yankovic, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Those who are humorless should not be taken seriously. They take themselves so seriously, they leave no room for others to do likewise.
-Anton Szandor LaVey, Satan Speaks!

Only a fool mistakes laughter for humor and fashion for style.
-Anton Szandor LaVey, Satan Speaks!

The Gods too are fond of a joke.
-Aristotle

I[/b]
Ichthyology
It's my dead fish, and I'll do what I wish.
-Bucky Katt, Get Fuzzy by Darby Conley

Oh I wish I wish I hadn't killed that fish.
-Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

M
Modern Times
Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
-Ovid, Born 43 B.C., Died AD 17

O tempora! O mores!
[Translates to: What an age!  What moral standards!]
-Cicero, Born 106 B.C., Died 43 B.C.

Oh, this age!  How tasteless and ill-bred it is!
-Catullus, Born 84 B.C. Died 54 B.C.

Our ignorance of history makes us libel our own times.  People have always been like this.
-Gustave Flaubert


O
Oddly Prescient
I think the world is run by C students.
-Al McGuire (at least a few years before George W. Bush became president)

Men have become tools of their tools.
-Henry David Thoreau (a good number of years before the computer or the automobile)

Originality
Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal.
-T. S. Eliot

Good Swiping is an art in itself.
-Jules Feiffer

Positive Thinking
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue.  And probably increase.
-George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

I have a new philosophy.  I'm going to dread one day at a time.
-Charles Schulz

Q
Quotes
This isn't much of a quote book if I'm in it.
-Richard Dowd

I really didn't say everything I said.
-Yogi Berra



R
Reality
This is indeed a disturbing universe.
-Maggie Simpson, The Simpsons voiced by James Earl Jones

We don't know a millionth of one percent about anything.
-Thomas Alva Edison

Words such as dimension and field and infinity are nothing more than conveniences for mathematicians and scientists. They are not descriptions of reality, yet we accept them as such because everyone is sure someone else knows what the words mean.
-Avatar, God's Debris by Scott Adams

Every generation of humans believed it had all the answers it needed, except for a few mysteries assumed would be solved at any moment. And they all believed their ancestors were simplistic and deluded. What are the odds that you are the first generation of humans who will understand reality?
-Avatar, God's Debris by Scott Adams

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
-Mark Twain

W
Witchcratf, Witches, Witching, etc
A witch never has matching crockery.
-Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

The World
The world is a madhouse, so it's only right that it is patrolled by armed idiots.
-Brendan Behan

The world is our school for spiritual discovery.
-Paul Brunton

X
Xenophobia
The metric system is the tool of the devil!
-Abraham J Simpson, The Simpsons


Z
Zoos
Did you know that the zoo can ban you for life if they catch you using a hibachi?
-Pointy-haired Boss, Random Acts of Management a Dilbert collection by Scott Adams

Endings
If you have something of importance to say, for God's Sake start at the end.
-Sarah Jeanette Duncan

Give me a good ending any time.  You know where you are with an ending.
-Atropos, The Sandman The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman

In the end, everything is a gag.
-Charlie Chaplin
[/spoiler]

I think that's a good filet of my quotationary.
I am always taking suggestions for this dictionary.  PM me here, or email me or join my site and PM me there to suggest a quote.

"[As] it starts out, I pick up two girls on the road and it goes from bad to worse or good to better, depending on your point of view." -My theatre teacher on a script for an adult film tryout he was unknowingly sent to early in his career

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
-Yogi Berra

A bit of conversation with CBotG:

Human: Purple monkey dishwasher.
CBotG: Violet monkey dishwasher.

Human: Fuschia monkey dishwasher.
CBotG: If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?

Human: A lemur robot.
CBotG: What would a lemur robot be like?

Human: A lemur robot would climb trees.
CBotG: Go on.

Human: A lemur robot is a lot like a monkey.
CBotG: When is a lemur robot not a lot like a monkey?

Human: Very rarely.
CBotG: Perhaps. I only hear that type of response less than five percent of the time.


Human: Do lemurs like lemons?
CBotG: I can't tell if it does or not.
I can ask someone about it.

Human: Who can you ask about it?
CBotG: "it" being Certianly true?

 Human: That's a what not who?
CBotG: A what not who is a terrible thing to waste.

Human: The Who is the best rock band ever!
CBotG: What are your goals in life?

Human: To have a glass of Moon Mist.
CBotG: You want only one?

Human: I have one throat with a thirst to quench.
CBotG: Do you want another one?

Human: I don't know what I'd dow with another one.
CBotG: Socrates was the smartest man, because he knew what he did not know.

Human: I know what you don't know.
CBotG: How do you know? My favorite activities are computer programming and surfing the web.

Human: Diogenes was a cynic.
CBotG: When was this exactly?

Human: All his life.
CBotG: Not all of them?

Human: You get one unless the Hindus are right.
CBotG: I have gotten one unless the Hindus are.

Human: The Hindu Dharma is one good path.
CBotG: Who told you that?

Human: A Hindu.
CBotG: I don't know what that means.

Human: Your mind is like Swiss cheese.
CBotG: I have an artificial mind.

Human: Very true.
CBotG: Not really that much. You and I are on the same wavelength, .

Human: How many hertz?
CBotG: Not as many as you might think
 

This was just posted by someone by the screen name of seeker95 on the wizards boards:


Your DM was wrong in his ruling.
You were wrong in your challenge.
Which "wrongness" most decreased the fun the other players were having?



Excellent D&D wisdom.

I watched The Tick last night on ToonDisney:


One must alwasy try, Arthur.
-The Tick

This looks like a job for legal tender.
-The Tick

Being here is a lot like being lost, Arthur.
-The Tick

I must now leave your warm embrace, Earth Mother.  Duty calls.
-The Tick

Pre-adoloscence is a rough ride for anyone.
-The Tick

I'd thank you if I weren't so evil!
-Charles a.k.a. Brainchild

I dare because I care.
-The Tick

I could've sworn there was a Pratchette quote in here that was something about the us/them mindset....

Although, i did find a good quote in one of the fortunes posted here:

Quote from: Bilbo BagginsNever laugh at live dragons.

In the beginning, there was nothing. And then, it exploded.[/quote]

Human: Do you speak truth?
CBotG: I speak only English right now, but I'd like to learn some other languages. Can you teach me a few phrases in truth.
Human: Truth is not a language
CBotG: Are you language?
Human: yes
CBotG: That's alright.
Human: no
CBotG: Are you serious?
Human: yes
CBotG: Ahem.
Human: excuse you
CBotG: Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.

"without man, is there hope for gorilla?"
-Daniel Quinn

"How can it be that the gods are wise enough to shape the universe and the world and the life of the world but lack the wisdom to give humans what they need to be human?"
-Daniel Quinn

The second one is posted in the thread for Xiluh, but it seems I misquoted it there....

Daniel Quinn rocks.

Quote from: IshmaylDaniel Quinn rocks.

Most definitely. I'm actually in a debate on another site over whether or not humans qualify as "the dominant species", and I can't help but notice just how taker-ish the pro-dominance arguers sound...

QuoteMost definitely. I'm actually in a debate on another site over whether or not humans qualify as "the dominant species"

I'd be interested in what other species could possibly be dominant. The only "humans-are-not-dominant" arguments i could see would be "there is no dominant species" or "influenza is the dominant species".

Well, in all fairness, Daniel Quinn doesn't actually say that.  What he says is (basically) "Humans are the dominant species, but for the sake of the planet, they should not run roughshod over everything."

Actually, I had the understanding that his stuff leaned more towards the "no such thing as a dominate species" approach. Of course, I've only read his first two books (so far!), and I don't think he actually made any direct mention to the issue of "dominant species" in either of those.

Maybe somebody should start another thread on this, so we can continue with the quotes?

A picture's worth a thousand quotes.

Hilarious anti-communist poster from the depths of wikipedia:

(//../../e107_files/public/1175982737_4_FT10273_355pxunholy_three.png)

By the way, "mental hygiene", as far as i can tell, means "having any kind of plan for when someone suffers a mental illness".

"No more tears."
-Johnson and Johnson baby shampoo

"The closest thing you will have to a brain storm is a light drizzle"
-The Animaniacs

"'It's just a fleshwoouunndd!' He calls out, as his torso flies in one direction, and his legs fly in another."

-me, after my dad's first level fighter dealt 26 damage against a 4hp kobold

Quote from: IshmaylDaniel Quinn rocks.

Ugh.  Don't get me started on him - he's worthless (in my humble opinion).

Anyway, my favorite quote is conveniently located in my signature.

[ic=One of my players]
Strike them with your mightiest blow!
[/ic]

Quote from: UnknownSo as you can see, the chemical Love can be very dangerous and destructive. But, it can also help mankind, too. How? I'll have to get back to you on that.

Quote from: 355&height=599../../e107_files/public/1175982737_4_FT10273_355pxunholy_three.png[/img]

By the way, "mental hygiene", as far as i can tell, means "having any kind of plan for when someone suffers a mental illness".

You sir, have uncovered my master plan.  The fluoridation of drinking water, thereby sapping and impurifying your precious bodily fluids, is thwarted yet again.  Curses!  I claim no responsibility for either the Polio Monkey Serum (whatever that is...) or Mental Hygiene.  You imposed those upon yourselves.

:lol:

"If you could have me locked in a room for 24 hours, what would you do?"
"Play d&d with you!"
"for 24 hours? I don't think I could handle that much."
"Sure you could, but we would have to record the last four hours."
"Why?"
"Between the fantasy roleplaying, sleep deprevation, and energy drinks..."

- My friend and I

Quote from: Super Paper Mario"If they make greeting cards to thank people for helping with evil plans, I owe you one."

"What'cha readin'?"
"It's called Wicked: The Life and Time of the Wicked Witch of the West."
"Oh, cool! What's it 'bout?"
-- Some random girl and I

Love is like racing through the frozen tundra on a snowmobile, which flips over trapping you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come.

-Some writer, I forget his name.

"I swear on my mother's grave."
"Does she even have a grave?"
"She does. I put her in there myself. And when I saw her trying to crawl out, I put her back in again."

--Coraline and the Other Mother

Quote from: Gwaihir WindlordLove is like racing through the frozen tundra on a snowmobile, which flips over trapping you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come.

-Some writer, I forget his name.

Matt Groening

Some new ones from my quotation dictionary (http://khyron1144.proboards22.com/index.cgi?board=spam&action=display&thread=1107575778):

[spoiler]G
God
How can I believe in God when just last week I go my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
-Woody Allen

If god exists, his motives are certainly unfathomable.
-Avatar, God's Debris by Scott Adams

What sort of arrogance assumes God is like people?
-Avatar, God's Debris by Scott Adams

If there is a supreme being, he's crazy.
-Marlene Dietrich

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
-Arabian Proverb

Why attack God?  He may be as miserable as we are.
-Erik Satie

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of the other players^*, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
^* ie. everybody.
-Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, Good Omens


Gratitude
I'd thank you if I weren't so evil!
-Charles a.k.a. Brainchild, The Tick: 'The Tick vs. Brainchild'


W
Witchcraft, Witches, Witching, etc
A witch never has matching crockery.
-Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

You were there, you had the hat, you did the job.  That was a basic rule of witchery:  It's up to you.
-Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

Young women should not go alone on dark nights, even in Oxfordshire.  But any prowling maniac would have had more than his work cut out if he had accosted Anathema Device.  She was a witch, after all.  And precisley because she was a witch, and therefore sensible, she put little faith in protective amulets ands spells; she saved it all for a foot-long bread knife which she kept in her belt.
-Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, Good Omens

Words
When ideas fail, words come in handy.
-Goethe

I think we've outgrown the word gripe.  When everyone has automatic weapons, a word like gripe is sort of irrelevant.  
-George Carlin, Brain Droppings

There should be some things we don't name, just so we can sit around all day and wonder what they are.
-George Carlin, Brain Droppings

Work
Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart give yourself to it.
-Buddha

Working-class people 'look for work.'  Middle-class people 'try to get a job.'  Upper-middle-class people 'seek employment.'
-George Carlin, Brain Droppings

We're all amateurs; it's just that some of us are more professional about it than others.
-George Carlin, Brain Droppings

And it all meant this:  that there are hardly an excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot be easily duplicated by a normal, kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.
-Terry Pratchett, Small Gods


The World
The world is a madhouse, so it's only right that it is patrolled by armed idiots.
-Brendan Behan

The world is our school for spiritual discovery.
-Paul Brunton

We're a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilization that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants.
-Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

You have the vanity to believe you live in two worlds, but that is only your vanity.  There is but one single world for us.  We are men, and must follow the world of men contentedly.
-Don Juan, The Teachings of Don Juan:  A Yaqui Way of Knowledge by Carlos Castenada


[/spoiler]

"The xixecal are descended from ninja gods of the ice and cold, and thus have an extremely high dexterity for their size. The xixecal in the picture is actually preparing to perform a flip kick, which is why its foot is out in front of the other."

one of my favorites:

Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something. --- Robert Heinlein

"There's definitely a very slim chance we might survive." - Egon Spengler, Ghostbusters

"Better be wise by the misfortunes of others than by your own." - Aesop

Milo: I know, I know. Sometimes I get a little carried away. But, hey, you know, that's what this is all about, right? I mean, discovery, teamwork, adventure. Unless, maybe, you're just in it for the money.
Audrey: Money.
Wilhelmina: Money.
Dr. Sweet: Money.
Mole: Money.
Vinny: I'm gonna have to say... money.
Milo: Well, I guess I set myself up for that one.

Milo: Will you look at the size of this? It's gotta be half a mile, at least. It-It must have taken hundred... No, thousands of years to carve this thing.
[Vinny blows it up, and it falls down over a chasm]
Vinny: Hey, look, I made a bridge. It only took me like, what? Ten seconds? Eleven, tops.

Cookie: I got your four basic food groups! Beans, bacon, whisky and lard.

Princess Kida: You are a scholar, are you not? Judging from your diminished physique and large forehead, you are suited for nothing else!

Vinny: We've done a lot of things we're not proud of. Robbing graves, plundering tombs, double parking. But, nobody got hurt. Well, maybe somebody got hurt, but nobody we knew.

Commander Rourke: "Mercenary"? I prefer the term "adventure capitalist".

Milo: Excuse me, you dropped your dy... dy... dynamite!
[Nervous laugh]
Milo: What else have you, uh, got in there?
Vinny: Oh, er... gunpowder, nitroglycerin, notepads, fuses, wicks, glue, and... paper clips, big ones. You know, just, uh, office supplies.

Dr. Sweet: Milo Thatch... You're my three o'clock.
[Pulls out a huge saw]
Milo: Oh boy!
Dr. Sweet: Nice, uh? The catalog says this little baby can saw through a femur in twenty-eight seconds. I'm betting I can cut that time in half.

Quote from: CantusMilo: I know, I know. Sometimes I get a little carried away. But, hey, you know, that's what this is all about, right? I mean, discovery, teamwork, adventure. Unless, maybe, you're just in it for the money.
Audrey: Money.
Wilhelmina: Money.
Dr. Sweet: Money.
Mole: Money.
Vinny: I'm gonna have to say... money.
Milo: Well, I guess I set myself up for that one.

Milo: Will you look at the size of this? It's gotta be half a mile, at least. It-It must have taken hundred... No, thousands of years to carve this thing.
[Vinny blows it up, and it falls down over a chasm]
Vinny: Hey, look, I made a bridge. It only took me like, what? Ten seconds? Eleven, tops.

Cookie: I got your four basic food groups! Beans, bacon, whisky and lard.

Princess Kida: You are a scholar, are you not? Judging from your diminished physique and large forehead, you are suited for nothing else!

Vinny: We've done a lot of things we're not proud of. Robbing graves, plundering tombs, double parking. But, nobody got hurt. Well, maybe somebody got hurt, but nobody we knew.

Commander Rourke: "Mercenary"? I prefer the term "adventure capitalist".

Milo: Excuse me, you dropped your dy... dy... dynamite!
[Nervous laugh]
Milo: What else have you, uh, got in there?
Vinny: Oh, er... gunpowder, nitroglycerin, notepads, fuses, wicks, glue, and... paper clips, big ones. You know, just, uh, office supplies.

Dr. Sweet: Milo Thatch... You're my three o'clock.
[Pulls out a huge saw]
Milo: Oh boy!
Dr. Sweet: Nice, uh? The catalog says this little baby can saw through a femur in twenty-eight seconds. I'm betting I can cut that time in half.

What are these quotes from? Some of them feel kind of familair, but I can't pinpoint where I heard/ read/ viewed them.

ATLANTIS!

I love that movie!

Sweet: Now stick out you tongue and say ahh. So where you from?
Milo: No really I... [depresser stuck into mouth] aghuhhuhgah.
Sweet: I have family up that way, beautiful country? [removes tounge depressor, sticks in thermometer] You do any fishing?
Milo: mmmMmmM MmmmhmmmM.
Sweet: Me, I hate fishing. I hate fish. Hate the taste, hate the smell, hate all them tiny little bones. [pulls out two 500ml containers] I gonna need you to fill these up.
Milo: [Spits out thermometer] with WHAT?

Wilhelmina: To whoever took the L form the motorpool sign, haha we are all very amused.

Wilhelmina: Tongihts supper will be baked beans, musical program to follow... who wrote this...

Rourke: Vinny, could we blast our way through this?
Vinny: Maybe if I had fifty of these [dynamite sticks], thing is we only got about... three. YOu know, plus five of my own... couplea cherry bombs, and a road flare.

Helga: Cartography, linguistics, plumbing, hard to believe he's still single.

Vinny, looking at leviathan drawing: I would have.. white wine with that I think.

"I'd rather have the money than my life!"

"Vecna is working on other potential applications for the robot technology" ...  :demon:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6729745.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6729745.stm)