THE RATS
Rummaged through the crumbled clutter
Left wishing to be stolen
Hid away there
Wondering if I would be found
And if I could get away on my own
Stugglings with all kinds of maybes
And what I thought I wanted
Thoughts flashing
To quickly to ponder
To quiet to speak
Strange the way the words come
And go
Slip by
I miss the kiss of the sentance on my tounge
No one heard so it never existed
The rats and I moved on
Chattered and clicked our way through the city
Stayed in the shadows as much as they allowed
Hunt and gather
Breathe and bleed
Speak and persist
Shut the fuck up
Stay hallowed in the silence
Sewn and conquered
Let those last words echo
Chatter-chatter click
Subtle and sick
In the bed and on the floor
If only there was more
And in reach
Arm's length
Save myself from the shadows which I seek
Sucked the steel
Little finger twitched
Chatter-chatter
Click
Woo! Another brother of the verse! Welcome.
Quote from: Machinegun PoliticsWoo! Another brother of the verse! Welcome.
if i'm not mistaken, you're mistaken on one small detail....
edit- by the way, i really enjoyed the piece. you're pretty good :)
Eh. He/she/it, whatever. I'm sure the meaning is not lost through erroneous gender specification, and if she has a problem she can lodge an official complaint at the Office for Disregard of Politically Correct Pedantry, and it will be promptly ignored.
As far as I'm concerned, the term is a gender-neutral symbol of cameraderie, even if it is otherwise contextually masculine. But he/she/it needn't accept the gesture. I have plenty of matchsticks to keep me company.
ahh, then i take the fault for that. i wasn't trying to be PC, i simply didn't realize you were using it as a gender neutral term.
may i join you and your matchsticks?
Heck yes.
GIRLS RULE BOYS DROOL
:D
There! I changed my avatar just for you so there is no more confusion! (Although I dont think I can leave it like that, that's sort of an embarrasing pic) Im sure sex is not an issue here and I really dont care anyway.
I love your poem. "Shut the fuck up" blares out in stark contrast with the rest of the poem. I'm sure that Machinegun Politics/Salacious Angel/Decoherence/anything else he chooses to change his name to noticed the juxtaposition as well.
The whole thing seems beautifully neurotic, just like everyone here ;) and "Chatter chatter click" repetition is very well done.
I think in general, the guys here get excited when a girl joins, but we are all respectful. At least, so far as I know.
QuoteGIRLS RULE, BOYS DROOL
Ooh, that was harsh.
Yes, I did indeed note the juxtaposition, and for that our 'High Wench' gains thirty-two awesome points to spend at her leisure. My only qualm would be with the seeming 'thematic disconuity' after the "No one heard so it never existed" line. There doesn't seem to be any transition between the earlier and latter parts in terms of symbolism. Not necessarily a problem, but it did limit my enjoyment of the piece.
Nevertheless, you did earn some awesome points.
Quote from: battleaxbabyGIRLS RULE
i agree. they're much better for dates, in my opinion.
QuoteBOYS DROOL
:D
There! I changed my avatar just for you so there is no more confusion! (Although I dont think I can leave it like that, that's sort of an embarrasing pic)[/quote] Im sure sex is not an issue here and I really dont care anyway.[/quote]
it really isn't that big of an issue, but since youre one of only two active confirmed females here, be prepared for the occassional joke.
baby.
Hey! "baby"'s my line! Quit stealing my thunder!
Quote from: Seraphine_HarmoniumHey! "baby"'s my line! Quit stealing my thunder!
Actually, that is Kojak's line. Stop stealing his thunder.
I am Kojak.
Quote from: Seraphine_HarmoniumI am Kojak.
i still don't want you to use rhetoric questions to state that you love me.
Candykinds are for eating! :muffy:
Thank you for comments. This poem is several years old and it's about going through substance withdrawl. I dont write poems very much anymore, usually song lyrics or short stories I never finish, but I was interested to see what sort of feedback I would recieve from this, and I liked the other ones that I read on the forum.
Quote from: PONTIFEX BRASSICUS CYMRO XIIIQuote from: Seraphine_HarmoniumHey! "baby"'s my line! Quit stealing my thunder!
Actually, that is Kojak's line. Stop stealing his thunder.
Genius.