i might as well post some of my poetry. i don't write it that often (my prefered creative outlet is drawing), and the only stuff i have available is the three poems i wrote on my computer in the last year. of which, one i'd rather not post, and the other is of somewhat questionable quality.
so i will post the third poem, which was written while i was dating an ex of mine (who is still a very close friend):
(untitled)
I think of a time
a time before perfection
a time of chaos and loathing and fear
I think of a time
an empty, lonely time
one voice spoke up
greeted me
and suddenly my world was thrown
ground falling
from far beneath my feet
and nothing had ever given me such happiness
the time was finished
the voice, an angel
a queen
the voice, love
perfection
and I have heard the voice ever since
I believe it has potential, you've got some nice phrases in there, however, just because it's a poem doesn't mean you get to forget about sentence structure and puntuation. You can take multiple lines, or less than a line to express a thought, but still need sentences. The beginning of your poem almost seemed to justify its lack of such structural devices by mentioning chaos, but when that initial chaos is juxtaposed to the perfection of this woman, this voice, it doesn't fit. And if you want structure to show meaning, there are better ways to do it than messing with sentence syntax.