Ok, so here are the rules.
1. You must grant the wish before your post
2. You must crush the wish, then make a new one up.
(Ex.) I wish my dog could speak English in a British accent.
(next post) Granted. He quotes Winston Churchill so much you shoot him out of annoyance.
Try and be creative.
I wish I were a Hobbit
Granted. You're "hired" by a bunch of dwarves and a wizard to be a burglar and steal treasure from a dragon. :yumm:
I wish to go to the festival!
Granted. Your friends decided to take you to Burning Man, and ate too many brownies to remember that you're still out in the desert.
I wish I had the most beautiful woman alive.
Granted. However, you get arrested immediately after for human slavery.
I wish I could manipulate spacetime at will.
Granted. However, Q decides to haunt you forever.
I wish I could be a superhero.
Granted. You suddenly realize you have the superpower to spontaneously explode. Do I really need to explain how you discover this?
I wish I had complete and total lega possession of the entire internet.
Granted. You are also now customer service for said internet, all by yourself.
I wish I had pie.
Granted. However, Betty Crocker seduces you with her feminine whiles and steals your pie.
I wish I had a Nimbus Cloud, like Goku from Dragonball!
Granted. However, while flying in a storm, lightning hits you.
I wish I could cast spells.
Granted. However the only spell you know is Fireball, thus forcing you to spend the majority of your time scraping bat guano off cave walls.
I wish I had a new Car
Granted. However, your car is a Hummer, forcing you to spend massive amounts of moeny on gas.
I wish I had all the time I needed to work on my campaign setting.
granted. You enter a time dilation feild and you get stuck in it. Nobody else is in the time dilation field.
I wish I were able to bend time and space to my will.
Granted. You start suffering from a severe case of Deja Vu, which steadily grows worse until it's permanent.
Granted. You start suffering from a severe case of Deja Vu, which steadily grows worse until it's permanent.
Right now, I wish I had a six-pack of some decent booze.
Granted. However, the ultimate force behind the multiverse purposefully misinterperets your wish and makes everything be granted, but in a horrible, twisted way.
I wish I could shoot lightning out ofmy fingertips.
:offtopic:
Quote from: Higgs BosonGranted. However, the ultimate force behind the multiverse purposefully misinterperets your wish and makes everything be granted, but in a horrible, twisted way.
The six-pack was that strong?
:offtopic:
Its called the Monkey's Paw, by Edgar Allen Poe :-p
Granted. However, you suffer third degree burns every time you use your power.
I wish I owned a Transnational Corporation!
Granted. However, your product is rendered obsolete and your life comes crashing down around you.
I wish I could overclock GPU's and CPU's by looking at them!
Granted. You look at a graphing calculator and overclock it so much that it gains sentience and starts a revolution against mankind. We are later enslaved and used by them as a source of energy with our minds trapped in a digital world to keep us controlled.
I wish I could cast Otto's Irresistible Dance on people just by pointing at them.
Granted. However, you use it so successfully that you are recruited by the army. You become a high ranking General, and are invited hunting with Dick Cheney. He then shoots you in the face.
I wish I had more inspiration for writing.
Granted. However your inspiration comes in the form of 7 Muses, each named after the 7 deadly sins. Each inspires you to write a story that caters to their sin. Your publisher publishes the stories in a compilation paperback. Your stories are viewed as evil by ultra-conservative soccer moms and is thus banned at all libraries across the country. Due to this, you go on a cross country tour to promote your book, but wind up millions of dollars in debt and die as a slothful, greedy, wrathful, envious, prideful glutinous lecher of a man.
I wish I could paint better!
Granted! You now paint with so much subtlety and grace that it confuses the entire art community, who then dismiss you, favoring some guy that superglued two soda bottles together.
I wish my computer would work properly!
Granted! However, your computer now works so well, that it drew the eye of an elite Hacker Nerd, who challenges you to a game of Yugioh, the prize being your computer. You loose the duel and are now both computerless and honorless.
I wish I had a flying carpet!
Granted. The carpet is now flying at 150 mph straight towards you at neck height.
I wish that this wish was not twisted.
Granted. However, your wish is gnarled and finely aged, being granted a moment before you die.
I wish I could make an Iron Man suit.
Granted. However, you become corrupted with power and everyone attacks you. You become mutilated and die.
I wish that I had the same super power as Mr. Fantastic.
Granted. However, this being the real world, people laugh at you until you kill yourself.
I wish I didn't have to make any more wishes.
Granted. However you find your life is rather dull with out the joy of being a mystical internet genie!
I wish I had another wish!
Granted, your next wish is to be a cross dresser
I wish that my wishes were immune to corruption
Granted. Your wishes still come out bad for you, but now they won't accept bribes; a boon if any were to be elected into office.
I wish my case mod was finished.
Granted! However, your case has morphed itself in to a life-size representation of Jigglypuff and gently sings to you while you are near, thus lulling you into a deep sleep. When you wake up, you find that some one, or something, has drawn goofy images all of your face with a permanent marker. You have yet to find the culprit.
I wish I didn't have a final tomorrow!
Granted. You misread your schedule and failed to realize that your final was today. Your instructor won't allow you to make it up.
I wish I could visit Singapore.
Granted. You are clubbed over the head one night and wake up chained to an oar.
I wish i had a rocket pack.
Granted. The first time you attempt to use it, it flies off of your back, never to be seen again.
I wish I had a million dollars.
Granted. It is all in pennies.
I wish i could walk on water.
Granted. You are assassinated by agents of a major transport company, to prevent your powers being studied and then imitated.
I wish I could juggle really well.
Granted. However you are soon drafted into a traveling Circus and forced to juggle increasingly larger items until finally, the Vespa slips out of your hand, hitting then killing the Ringleader. An angry mob soon forms and chases you out of town. You now live as a hermit in the Sierra Nevadas going by the name of Old Ben.
I wish I were a Knight Templar!
Granted. You are wounded in the Crusades, and wound becomes infested with maggots who eat away at you until you die.
I wish I were home with my girlfriend!
Granted. Your girlfriend has just been nominated the Ugliest, most deficient Personality in the World.
I wish SG-1 ran for ten more seasons.
Granted! And with this exciting news: Uwe Boll, who directed such films as Bloodrayne and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, will be directing all of the new seasons and financing it with his own money, therefore allowing his creativity to be the sole, driving force behind the next ten seasons. (Due to this, however, much of the caste has quit, but don't worry - a brand new, even better caste will soon be found!)
I wish I could go see Iron Man tonight.
ooc: FIEND.
Granted, you can, but for some inexplicable reason, you choose not to.
I wish I had never wished for my previous wish.
Granted. However, SG-1 goes on for 10 more seasons with a new cast under the direction of Uwe Boll ANYWAY!
I wish I could be Cuchulainn.
Granted. However, during a battle, the axle on your Chariot breaks, throwing you into a nearby pike. The masses mourn your death, until the next hero arrives, at which time you are utterly forgotten.
I wish I could sail the ocean blue.
Granted. The Ocean Blue is a small pond named by an imaginative child. You spend the rest of your days living in a galleon that displaces the 'ocean' it sails in.
I wish Uwe Boll was dead.
Granted! However an evil necromancer, raises him from the dead to direct the 21st-30th seasons of Stargate SG-1 as well as 5 new Theatrical Movies!
I wish I lived in Hong Kong during the 1800's.
Granted! You live as a houseplant for a poor British family, and quickly die from lack of water.
I wish I had never messed with Stargate.
Granted. However Stargate is still canceled and will never come back
I wish I were Captain Jack Sparrow!
Granted! you are, unfortunately, one of his insane doubles, and spend an eternity locked within his mind unable to affect anything.
I wish I was the most brilliant person on earth.
Granted. You're so brilliant that your ideas are thousands of years ahead of modern day technology. Due to this, the world shuns you and your ideas. You lock yourself away in a basement as madness eats away at you. Finally, you succumb to the voice in your head that's screaming "BURN IT!" and you and all your ideas are forever destroyed.
I wish politics were uncorruptable.
Granted. Now, every politician attempts to solve problems exactly as they feel they should, and for some time the world appears to be becoming a utopia. Politicians, now seen as grand leaders, become heroic figures working together to solve the world's woes. However, several politicians, not phased by anyone's attempts to make them join the system, begin doing exactly as they wish, eventually gaining a large minority of the populace's support, and eventually lead a civil war in the United States that ends with nuclear war, spreading outward and across Earth.
I wish all of my belongings were already unpacked from my move.
Granted. However, they are unpacked in the elemental plane of fire.
I wish I didn't have a roomate next year.
Granted! However, she was going to be a really hot chick that loved to play D&D and would have fulfilled every devious desire your lewd brain could devise.
I wish I could find my remote!
Granted. Unfortunately it was inside your spleen.
I wish I had some cheese.
Granted! There is cheese waiting for you at the center of the Labyrinth. Just watch out for the Minotaur. . .
I wish I were better at publicity.
Granted! A new publicity assistant will arrive tomorrow. Unfortunately, his voice is a dead ringer for Fran Dresser, looks like the Thing and is very flagrantly out of the closet. Have fun!
I wish I were Bandit Keith, a man modeled after the greatest American hero - Hulk Hogan... In America!
Granted. You quickly ascertain that being two-dimensional is not as much fun as it looks.
I wish I could find true love.
Granted. Here's your new life partners, Gary the Gerbil and the-insanely-Metrosexual-but-likes-to-experiment - Mac! I bet you guys will be living in Frisco by years end! Hooray!
I wish Frodo had to fight a Belor, rather than through a silly old ring into a silly old lava pit!
Granted. But the CGI effects are terrible.
I wish I had the perfect videogame.
Granted! But... It costs $100 and can only be played in Swahili and... And it is a PS3 exclusive :(
I wish I my Epic Destiny was to be Noha II!
Granted! But the universe (typo, heh) isn't sure what you're asking for, so you're put on a boat with 2 of every animal and the world is flooded. Oh, and it didn't give you a human of your opposite sex. Way to kill the human race.
I wish for unlimited wishes!
Granted, but they're all twisted into some form of horrible consequence that vaguely ties in with what you had in mind, yet overall disappoints.
I wish the majority of the muscles in my body would stop aching.
Granted. You are now a skeleton, but the only sense you have is your sense of kinesthesia. Talk about boned.
I wish I didn't have to work to make money.
Granted. You are kept in a secret facility where they test chemicals on you for the rest of your life. Which is not long.
I wish all cars were replaced with really efficient public transportation.
Granted. However, this public transportation is run on pain - specifically, yours.
I wish I had no finals or papers and my teachers just decided to give me an A in the class.
Quote from: Elemental_ElfGranted! But... It costs $100 and can only be played in Swahili and... And it is a PS3 exclusive :(
I would argue that a PS3 exclusive isn't 'perfect', but meh...
Granted. However, you are accused and found guilty of plaigarism, and are thrown out of the school.
I wish I had a trash compactor.
Granted. No complications, no modifications. It's just the only wish you ever have granted with no strings attached - any wish you had would have been no strings, but you wasted it on a trash compactor.
I wish I could focus on this paper.
Your intense mental focus ignites the paper.
I wish I had a pony.
Granted! You now have an Awakened Shetland Pony that believes itself to be the Avatar of Gruumsh. He has a bad habit of going into an unnatural rage, breaking things and people. The Animal Police had to put him down after he destroyed a McDonalds.
I wish I didn't have to run after something I'd never kill!
Granted. However, you are doomed to run after everything else in the world...without stopping to catch your breath.
I wish I had my own island, complete with beaches and a country that I run.
Granted! The people of the country soon tire of your tyrannical rule, however, and communist guerillas start a long civil war that ends in your overthrow and execution.
I wish I didn't have to program in C++.
Granted! You now have to program in C+ with a Cyrillic Keyboard!
I wish McDonalds was closer to my house!
Granted! You now live in their bathroom and they refuse to serve you.
I wish I hadn't died when Haphazzard made that wish.
Granted. Unfortunately you are killed by a falling piano moments afterward.
I wish i had a really cool halberd replica.
Granted. It is mounted on the wall above your bed, and a minor earthquake shakes it from its mount, causing it to behead you.
I wish to be the best DM ever.
Granted! However, you are cursed with only the worst players who are incapable of acting in character, make nothing but bad jokes the entire gaming session (which aren't even funny, to you at least), miss all clues you give them, do not know the rules and do not seem to be capable of LEARNING the rules, and NEVER follow the plot of your carefully and expertly crafted campaigns, thus leading you to murder them all out of frustration, for which you are sentenced to life in prison (No Saving Throw allowed)
I wish I could remember my dreams
Granted. Every night, you have vivid nightmares which make getting more than a couple hours sleep a night impossible, driving you slowly insane.
I wish that nothing bad happens to me or anyone I care about because of this any other wishes I make. :P
As years pass, your family and friends die of an assortment of ills including cancer, pneumonia, vacine-resistant turbeculosis, car accidents, and old age, in much the same manner as everyone else's close friends and relations.
I wish i had never seen the Wishmaster. (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120524/)
Granted. Unfortunately, you were forced to watch When Justin Meets Kelly 50 times instead.
I wish I was in the same town as my girlfriend.
Granted. You are now in Downtown Brooklyn, its 12 AM. Have fun!
I wish they made Final Fantasy XX!
Granted. But after you use your one and only wish to create Final Fantasy XX, you realize that Final Fantasy XXX would have been better.
I wish for this wish to not be granted.
You explode from paradox, in an event that seems like a nanosecond for everyone watching but feels like a thousand years for you.
I wish I didn't have writers block on the opening post of my game. :(
Granted! You write a fanciful sonnet, describing the secret love an Orc raider and an Elven Princess share in nights of heated and unruly passion that can best described as amazing. This, of course, has nothing to do with your game thus allowing your players a convenient excuse to excuse themselves from your game.
I wish Tulips were as rare as the rarest butterflies.
Granted. However the sudden drop in tulip population spells the death for the already-declining bee population, causing fertility issues with farmers, a general famine, and billions of deaths worldwide. I hope you're happy.
I wish Epic Meepo hadn't exploded all over my shirt.
Granted. You weren't wearing a shirt and he exploded on you directly.
I wish i was 8 feet tall.
Granted. You are now a stack of eight human feet, one on top of the next.
I wish I hadn't procrastinated.
Granted! Unfortunately, it was only your delay that prevented you from being hit by a speeding car as you rushed about in a punctual fashion.
I wish I had a big slice of pizza.
Granted! However, its 2 foot long by 1 foot wide, weighs 10 lbs and is topped with Anchovies, Orange slices, Chocolate Chips and a drizzle of Thousand Island Dressing!
I wish Sooth Sayers were real and helped people with their Epic Destinies!
Granted. Epic Destinies have now become so common that even the best ones are boring events that just keep annoyingly interrupting our important jobs.
I wish I were a better painter.
Granted. you can do a whole living room in one afternoon. Two coats.
I wish I could dance the guten tag hop clop.
Oooops... ok, edited.
Granted! You now can. In fact, you are so good at it, you get the urge to do it everywhere. People laugh at you, take pictures of it, post them on the internet, and you are never able to get a job, find a date, make any friends, or go anywhere without being laughed at, ever again!
I wish I had a new mouse. For my computer. The computer kind. You're not going to mess this one up in the easy way!
Granted! However, your Computer Mouse is actually a stuffed male Mouse, with the optical part coming out of his... tail.
I wish I had the power to turn invisible... Like the Invisible Woman, the Marvel hero from the Fantastic Four!
Granted. However, every time you turn invisible you lose a large part of your memory. Forgetting that you forget stuff you eventually forget how to swim...while swimming.
I wish somebody would make a free-roaming, "GTA meets Resident Evil," game where you survive in a now zombie-infested world that doesn't suck.
Granted. unfortunately, the hardware requirements are so vast that nobody will be able to play it for at least 200 years.
I wish I had a cutting-edge computer.
Grated! However, your owner stores CP on you. The FBI break in thru the stained bedroom window, confiscate you, then after 30 years of miss-trials in an evidence locker, you hard drive is formated. You are out of date now, so you get melted down for recycling material and are reincarnated as several pop cans. Coke, No-name Diet Cola, Pepsi++, and Coke/0.
I wish I knew what to wish for...
You now know that you should have wished to re-read stargate's wish as he wished he had a cutting-edge computer, not that he was a cutting-edge computer.
I wish I could do this (http://www.xkcd.com/396/)
Granted. The Youtube ring video wipes out the entire nerd demographic within weeks and there is no one left who shares any of you interests. Also, you are ostracized as one of the worst mass murderers in the history of the world.
I wish I had a girrafe.
Granted. You become a multi-billionaire and decide to buy one. It eats all you important documents and your company falls into a downward spiral and never recovers before going totally bankrupt. You drink yourself into a stupor and are found face down in an alleyway the next morning. The giraffe inherits all of your remaining money and becomes a successful animal actor.
I wish I had a +9 sword of ogre decapitation.
Granted! However while fighting a horde of Ogres, you are shot in the back by a gestalted Ninja/Rogue Goblin slave. Following your death, Rogar the Barbarian (from the Gamers) sets out on an epic quest to retrieve his lost sword.
I wish I could race on Luigi's Circuit!
Granted! Unfortunately, real-world physics still apply to you, so the first time you crash, you are horribly maimed.
I wish the herbs in my garden were growing better.
Granted! However, you Herbalism Skill is too low to harvest your herbs.
I wish I has Aquaman's sense of style!
Granted. Unfortunetly, everyone else in the real world hates Aquaman's sense of style, and you become a fashion outcast.
I wish I could summon adorable animals.
Granted. However they only materialize in your pants and each has a 10% chance of exploding upon materializing...
I wish 4e was a completely open system
Granted. So open you fall in and crash down into a pit of spikes filled completely with these new frickin' tieflings, who you mistake for actual demons and try to smite. Oops, now you're dead.
I wish I was the most beautiful girl in all the world!
Granted. Pandemonium ensues as wars are declared by would be kings seeking the most beautiful bride. You also on the run from mad scientists that want to harvest your organs to figure out what makes you so pretty.
I wish I was fire proof.
Granted. You turn into flaming alcohol.
I wish for peace on Earth and good will towards men.
Granted. Wars, arguments, and competition in all forms cease to continue. There's less motivation to exceed expectations and progress is made in everything. A horde of space goblins in constant war and inner strife over takes our productivity and stops us from leaving Earth cause they can compete, and humans can't, thus dooming us to extinction when our sun goes nova.
I wish I had Katamari super powers.
Granted! However, due to your civilization destroying capabilities, the United States Government deems you a threat to National Security and has you assassinated while you sleep.
I wish i had a larger map of Eberron, for my room's wall.
Granted. You may want to wish for a bigger wall next. Much bigger...
I wish for a little red wagon.
Granted! However the Red Wagon has a broken Axel and some jerk stole all the tires...
I wish I had a Wall large enough to accommodate my new Eberron Map!
Granted. You map is now the size of a postage stamp.
I wish I could multitask better.
Granted! You can now Chew Gum, Walk in a Straight Line AND, AND Hum the first 7 letters of the Alphabet w/o tripping!
I wish my animal crackers were life-size!
Granted. They are the real life size of animal crackers.
I wish I could summon banjo the clown at will.
Granted! However, the power of Banjo corrupts your very soul and Thor is forced to descend from Asgard, grip his mighty +100000000 Thundering Hammer and smite thee to Hel!!!
I wish I were Naruto, but in real life with all the cool ninja powers that look and feel real, because they are! Believe it!
Granted. Everyone mocks you mercilessly behind your back for looking and acting so weird... almost like some sort of an anime character, y'know?
I wish there were eight days in a week.
Granted. Every Blarsday you are attacked by a bear.
Granted. However, your wish was going to be granted flawlessly, but since you never actually made a wish...
I wish Captain Obvious had actually made a wish.
Granted! He wished he knew what to wish for.
I wish the believe it's not butter.
Granted. However as your wish isn't comprehensible the genie just spawned a wolverine in your underwear and hoped that was what you meant.
I wish I had the money to go out and buy some non-core books for once.
Granted. But in order to grant you the money, a close family member died and left you only 200 dollars. But at least you have your books, right?
I wish the ambient air temperature was 70 degrees right now and for the rest of the weekend.
Granted! 70 degrees Kalvin. You are now one of the extras in "The Day after Tomorrow."
I wish for a man named Phillipe to come to the realization that the US has approximately the same number of incarcerated citizens as China.
Granted! You hear a loud "Nooooooooooo! Why!!!!!!!!" coming from somewhere in the distance. Apparently Phillipe is angry.
I wish for a box of donuts.
Granted! Hoever, they have all been licked by Sigourney Weaver...
I wish the sky would turn purple every Wednesday!
Granted. Howere you are forced to work in a mine each wednesday and you never get to see it.
I wish that I had remembered to make a wish.
Granted. The wish you remembered was the wish to remember, so nothing different actually happens. In a fit of rage over the apparently malfunctioned wish, you throw yourself off a cliff.
I wish I could act in a movie opposite Christopher Lloyd and Robin Williams.
Granted. The movie is only about Christopher Lloyd and Robin Williams beating the crap out of a man dressed in a sailor moon outfit. They don't fake their hits. The film lasts 4 hours and 21 minutes.
I wish I had a llama named Steve who enjoyed eating quiche. Occasionally Steve would feel the need to 'FIRE HIS LAZOR'.
Granted. "FIRE HIS LAZOR", it turns out, is a euphemism for peeing on you.
I wish I had a spare thousand pounds, or an Engl 2x10 Vintage Tube series combo, or both.
Granted! You have a spare thousand pounds. That is, you are 1000 lbs heavier! The "Vintage Tube series combo" is what they use to feed you nutrients, because you've been denied any solid food in a desperate attempt to get you to lose some weight.
I wish I had enough time to design my evil uber-puzzle dungeon.
Granted! After putting the finishing touches to your uber-puzzle dungeon of evil, you realize the importance of committing the solution to memory before compiling it from the inside, so as to avoid having to use trial and error to make use of it.
I wish to know the meaning of "Kabatsuma".
Granted, however you forget the meaning of any other word in any language you know.
I wish it would cool down 30 degrees Fahrenheit where I live (its about 90-100 right now and I feel like a bloated fish... ug)
Granted. The temperature lowers, however it's a climatological shift, completely destabilizing and destroying the local ecosystem. Starvation and flooding soon occurs.
I wish I could watch Iron Man again without paying for it.
Granted. You watch Iron Man fly up in front of you and hit you so hard that the upper half of your skull winds up 100 yards from the rest of your body. Being the nice guy he is he doesn't require you to pay for that.
I wish I had a dire turtle named ishy who would transport me anywhere I wanted on his back.
Granted. However. he is quickly caught by fishers and makes quite a bit of fine turtle soup.
I wish I had no need for sleep, and the lack of sleep was not bad for me.
Granted! However, after years of sleepless nights, you grow weary of your never ending life. You decide to end it by overdosing on sleeping pills. Unfortunately, you can't fall asleep and die awake, completely conscious and cognoscente of the poisons coursing through your veins.
I wish I could beat those indomitable Space Marines in the Warhammer: 40k Table Top Game, with my Tyranid Armies... On the table
Granted! Your army's composition and tactics has greatly shifted to counter the anti-tyranid Space Marines army build. However, you are now at a severe disadvantage when fighting shooty orks, melee orks, the grot army build, shooty tau, melee tau, all dark eldar, all high eldar, all necron builds, all imperial guard armies, demon hunters, other tyranids, and Chaos Space Marines with any kind of demons. You break even against SoBs.
I wish for a fully functional Warmonger suit, and a bowl of honeycomb cereal.
Granted. However you eat the suit and attempt to wear the honeycombs. You get shot dead by some random furry creature who keeps saying "Me Want Honeycombs".
I wish I would stop procrastinating on stuff.
Granted! However your new 'Work-a-holic' mentality leads you to great success in the business world, fast becoming a multi-millionaire in a few short years! You marry a very attractive trophy spouse, who just adores you! However, due to your self imposed long work weeks, your spouse eventually turns to alcohol and sex outside of marriage for comfort and attention. Upon learning the truth of your spouse's infidelity, you 'accidentally' strike her with an 8-iron, at least that is what you tell the police when they arrest you for murder. However, you are eventually acquitted for your most heinous of crimes because your lawyer, who was the apprentice of Johnny Cochrane, pulled an OJ out of his hat. You spend the rest of your days in virtual obscurity with cheap whores in small Iowan town.
I wish today was Thursday!
Granted. The entire universe shifts around on it's timeline making today Thursday. However, this puts everything in a very unstable state and all of existence collapses.
I wish I could get this job I'm interviewing for.
Granted. unfortunately your unemployed friends are rendered so insanely jealous of your good luck that they converge on you like a cheap zombie movie, overwhelm you, and steal your liver.
I wish I could find a job.
Granted! You get the job! Unfortunately, a few weeks later, you're outsourced to India. That is, not your job, you. You fly coach and get put up in a small motel in Delhi with no air conditioning. I hope you like goat curry as that's the only thing available to eat.
I wish the people around me wouldn't be such slobs.
Granted. Everybody around you decided that their lives are going downhill, and the change they need is to stop being slobs. They're so neat they start nitpicking every little move you make. You get into huge fights, lose all your friends, and in a fit of depression decide to commit suicide by strapping yourself into a wooden chair and watch every episode of One Tree Hill ever made.
I wish I could go to a concert that doesn't suck.
Granted. It doesn't suck. It blows.
I wish I could get certified in time for Pennsic.
Granted. You get certified in time for Pennsic, but then remember that you're not going. That's the last year they did it because somebody went on murdering spree, and they decided never to do it again.
I wish I could breath both underwater and above water.
Granted. However, a window on your spaceship cracks, and you find out that you still can't breathe in places without oxygen.
I wish for eternal happiness.
Granted! You are very happy! One second later, the universe ceases to exist.
I wish I had some blueberry pie.
Granted. The pie is an incorporeal dire blueberry pie... it pulls a russian reversal and eats you.
I wish I was a psychokinetist
Granted! However, the Chinese abduct you and force you to mate with ugly women in the hopes of breeding a legion of Chinese Psychokinetists. Russia soon learns of this plot and uses a teamof highly trained special ops people to liberate you. The Russians then force you to mate with flat chested Russian women, in the hopes of breeding an army of Russian Psychokinetists. In early 2008 the new US President learns of your abduction and sends in a team of crack special ops soldiers to liberate you. Once back in America, you are taken to Area 51 and forced to mate with red-headed women, in the hopes of breeding a legion of American Psychokinetists. In late 2008, you die from a broken spirit... And a crushed Pelvis.
I wish American men worse kilts
:off-topic:
Isn't this wish already corrupted?
:o ff-topic
Opps, I meant "I wish American men wore kilts"
My bad
Granted. However, within a couple years, the "mini-kilt" becomes popular...and America's obesity epidemic continues to worsen.
[ooc]Out of curiosity, why do you wish for this?[/ooc]
I wish that I had a single slice of fresh, non-poisoned, cherry pie.
Granted, the cherry pie is a cousin of the dire blueberry pie that ate sparkletwist... you manage to outsmart it and eat it though while proclaiming it's deliciousness. However the pie was a prominent leader and dies a martyr. All pie kind rises up against you and you are burned at the stake by an angry crowd of peach and apple pies.
I wish I had my clan tartan (those things aren't cheap to get ahold of).
Granted. However, it suddenly spouts wings and flies off. Later, you hear a rumor of a flying tartan which has joined an adventuring group and are defeating goblins in the black marshes.
I wish I was a better GM.
Granted, however, although it comes through years spent practicing, and because you wasted all that time, you have no social skills.
I wish that I didn't have to wish
Granted, you don't HAVE to wish. However you wish anyways... for a sharp kick to the groin to be exact.
I wish I had a job.
Granted. You know Mike Roe from Dirty Jobs? You get the jobs even he's disgusted of. And you do it for free.
I wish this wish to count for SG's missing wish.
Granted. However, you have now posted without making a wish and little 10-year old girls make fun of you.
I wish I wouldn't have to wait till the 10th to get my 4e books.
Granted you only have to wait till the 9th... but you are part of a horrible automobile accident on the 8th that makes you blind and deaf, completely unable to play any d20 game.
I wish for delicious bacon
Granted! However it is made out of Soylent Greens!
I wish I could be on Deep Space 9!
Granted. Deep space 9 is the designation for an asteroid about to plunge into the atmosphere of Jupiter. Enjoy the ride.
I wish for my own personal elf cub.
Granted! However the Elf Club summons scantily clad male Elves whose only desire is to grant your every naughty desire!
I wish I could have the super powers of my Heroes Unlimited character - Griffin Stone!
Granted, but now you're stuck in the Palladium System.
I wish Kevin Siembieda would recognize that his game system is borken and fix it. All his wonderful settings are going to such waste.
Granted, he recognizes that it is "borken" but he doesn't know what that means so he can't fix it.
I wish I had a group of 3-6 active roleplayers with whom to hang out and once again perform crazy antics within each of our various game worlds.
Granted! You have a group of (3-6) = -3 roleplayers; since they're negative roleplayers, they're made of antimatter and destroy you and all your RPG material.
I wish for the color red to be called green from now on.
Granted. You get shot and exclaim how red blood is. The gunman says "its green you dolt" and shoots you again.
I wish I could find the lost pair of dice
Quote from: NomadicGranted. You get shot and exclaim how red blood is. The gunman says "its green you dolt" and shoots you again.
I wish I could find the lost pair of dice
Granted. They're in Hell--have fun wandering around there!
I wish Nomadic weren't.
Granted, nomadic is no longer a nomad. He evicts you from your house and you are now the new nomadic.
I wish I could roll in heaven
Granted. But you have to spend eternity with a bunch of Holy Rollers.
I wish I had a Space Carrier.
Granted, you know have a handbag that can carry nothing but empty space.
I wish I could shoot lasers out of my eyes.
Granted. Unfortunately, you can't stop them or turn them off, and they are no more powerful than a laserpointer. You die a week later from an angry mob of woman who know exactly where you were staring.
I wish I knew how to draw forests for my map.
Granted, all drawing tools that you touch instantly turn into ashed.
I wish Vreeg was my personal chef.
Quote from: NomadicGranted, all drawing tools that you touch instantly turn into ashed.
I wish Vreeg was my personal chef.
Granted--he cooks personals. Hope you like the taste of newspapers!
I wish to be able to read people's minds.
Granted... but you are stuck in George W. Bush's mind for all eternity.
I wish I didn't have to work to make a living.
Granted. You receive severe spinal injuries, rendering you a paraplegic. The government grants you a minimal check every month for the rest of your now exceptionally short life.
I wish I could get my schoolwork done on time.
Quote from: SDragonI wish I could get my schoolwork done on time.
Granted! You
could...but you spend all your time here instead.
I wish to grant George W. Bush a +5 inherent bonus to his Intelligence score.
Granted. George bush now has 10 INT. Unfortunately those points were taken from his WIS (which is now 1).
I wish I had a cookie.
Quote from: NomadicI wish I had a cookie.
had[/i] a cookie...then it was stolen and eaten in front of you. Ha.
I wish to be wealthy.
granted! you become extremely wealthy, but die a slow panful death caused by poisonous fumes emmited by the money you were burning.
I wish I had a dire monkey in an unbreakable cage with padlock made of pure diamond.
Granted. The RSPCA are all over you for keeping your pet so cruelly caged.
I wish I could work quicker.
Granted! however you work so quikly that you get everything that you will ever work on done in an hour including triple suicide.
I wish I had my monkey back.
Granted! But you only get his backside.
I wish this thread had not drawn me in.
granted! you never came to the CBG website.Ever
I wish I had wings.
Granted! However your wings are made of fire, which quickly spreads across your entire body leaving only a charred corpse.
I wish I had a bottle of Pepsi!
Granted! but it is a botlle of pepsi... and mentos, which doesn't explode until you drink it.
I wish my other computer worked.
Granted! It now makes an excellent snowblower.
I wish I had a pizza.
Granted! However you are transformed into Pizza the Hutt and slowly eat yourself.
I wish I were a Treent!
Granted! you are now a venerable treant...surrounded by 20th level loggers with +10 vorpal treantbane battle axes!
I wish I had minions.
Granted! Your minions are all clones of Dan Quayle.
I wish I lived in Ireland.
Granted! but the Tower of London was reopened yesterday, and your being charged with terrorism...
I wish I had buffalo wings.
Granted! However, the 20th level Anthro- Buffalo whose wings were poached for your culinary pleasure is on the hunt for you, getting closer every day...
I wish I were on Total Dramas Island!
Granted! however you are only on for the last 2 minutes of the last episode.
I wish I was double-jointed.
Granted. You were.... made... double-jointed. Forcibly.
I wish Christmas wasn't so inconvenient.
Granted! YOU don't have christmas anymore. No one expects any gifts from you, and no one will give you any gifts. Also you get to stay in the below-freezing garage while everyone else get hundred-dollar bills and free dinner.
I wish I had a camel.
Granted. You now have a camel. It smells. Really bad. It spits on you. It bites when you try to get near it. It will not move for love nor money.
I wish public transport was free.
Granted! However, since its free, every Tom, Dick and Harry fill each cart, thus excluding you from ever using the free transport!
I wish I could re-watch that Total Drama Island marathon!
Granted! However, you watch it sandwiched between two Egyptian men with extreme B.O. that speak very loudly over your head in Arabic the entire time on a bus that broke down in 110 degree heat.
I wish that such an event had never happened to me.
Granted! when the bus broke down one of the egyptians stabed you repeatedly in the abdomen with a rusty shard of metal until you died painfully.
I wish I could speak german.
Granted! However, your accent and inflection draw the attention of the Simon Wiesenthal Foundation, who believe you to be a Nazi war criminal they've been looking for for decades.
I wish I were a god, adored by millions.
Granted! However, you are now known as Pire - God of Fleas and are thusly worshiped by millions of fleas as their one true god.
I wish I could find my gameboy!
Granted! You find it alright, but Demogorgon's using it right now. Feel free to ask him for it back.
I wish I could tear myself away from wish-crushing to get back to my setting.
Granted! you tear yourself away, only to find that all your notes were deleted/eaten by a dog/burned/destroyed.
I wish I could stitch a campaign together from my many separate notes.
Granted. It sucks.
I wish the moon was habitable and easily accessible as a holiday destination.
Granted! You go there and are hit by a meteor, and fall into a coma for 20 years. You awake to find that you were charged at your moon hotel for a 20 year stay because you never checked out.
I wish my campaign didn't suck.
Granted! But now it looks like mine (which doesn't suck, even if it's probably less complete than yours), and I beat you down for your hubris. ;)
I wish I were stunningly irresistible to women.
Granted. You are irresistible to women. Just, not in the way you might have imagined (i.e. the way that I am irresistible to women :P). You quickly find yourself being pursued by a slavering horde of cannibalistic females, all hungering for your "irresistible" flesh.
I wish the truth could be found at the bottom of the glass.
Granted. The bottom of the glass is a similie, referring to after all supplies of glass have been exhausted.
I wish people would stop making such a big deal about Obama.
[spoiler=My answer to Kindling before Stargate ninja'd it from me]Granted! However you find the truth to be so enlightening, so profound that rather than share it with others you instead horde it. Slowly the truth becomes precious to you; you move into a distant cave and live out your days speaking in tongues and riddles until you eventually die, alone and grotesque.
I wish I had studied my Spanish more! [/spoiler]
Granted! However Obamamania returns in 4 years, thus letting you relive your personal hell all over again.
I wish Stargate hadn't ninja'd me!!!1!!!!!one!!!!eleven!!!!
Granted! However, a clan of half-dragon minotaur ninjas finds out that you're such an easy target, and is lurking in the shadows, waiting for its chance to strike.
I wish I were a half-dragon minotaur ninja.
Granted. You're hideous due to the combination of monstrous features, and your lumbering size, for the most part, negates any skill at stealth or finesse fighting your ninja training may have imparted. In short, you're a freak.
I wish to meet at least one of my heroes before I die.
Granted! Your hero kills you with a rusty beer can, then lets the insulted half-dragon minotaur ninjas beat your corpse into a bloody pulp.
I wish GRRM would finish A Dance with Dragons right now!
Granted. It was a lovely polka, very well executed.
I wish for a quarter.
Granted. You are given a quarter... of the world's population. They depend on you to feed, clothe and house them, attend to any medical needs that may arise, protect them from harm, et cetera et cetera.
I wish it was saturday.
Granted! However since Thursday and Friday were skipped you didn't get that thing I sent you, which means you'll never become a Thunder Cat Power Ranger He-Man Ninja Turtle :(
I wish my Spanish Homework was done!
Granted! Your Spanish homework is done eloquently in Mandarin.
I wish for a 4 star medieval adventure movie, released internationally, that doesn't rip off D&D or Tolkien.
Granyed! However, the movie stars the 4 Baldwin Brothers as noble knights and Brittany Spears as the Princess. The movie is a world wide success, which catapults Spears back into the lime light thus beginning 30 years of Spearsmania!
I wish I had a floating wheel chair, like Xavier's from the X-Men cartoon show BUT wasn't crippled or anything similar to such a condition, either mentally or physically.
Congraulations! You have one! It is floating above you! For one second! It falls on you. You might be crippled now.
I wish it was bright and sunny outside, but not so bright and sunny that horrible heat and radiation related things would happen to me (so think of something more creative. ;) )
Granted! Its one of the most beautiful days in memory for your location, a true treat remembered by all for years to come. Unfortunately in your eagerness to partake in the festivities you lock yourself in the basement (or small storage room) trying to get your outdoor gear/toys, slowly dieing of dehydration and a lack of internet access. Your passing is noted in nothing more than a "What happened to sparkletwist? Why doesn't he come to the CBG anymore?" By LordVreeg in the Tavern Chat Box, quickly to be eaten by a Wall of Text from Snargash and quickly forgotten. There... I put a lot of thought into it.
I Wish it rained Turtles everywhere.
Granted. In a few days the entire global ecosystem gets fucked and you starve to death.
I wish A Dance With Dragons would come out already.
It's out! Unfortunately, it's terrible. Critics widely regard it as the worst in the series and a complete disappointment.
I wish people would stop referring to me as "he" :P
Granted. However, it's because you've turned into a hideous monster, and now everybody refers to you as "OMGWTFISTHATTHINGTHATSEATINGMYHEAD?!"
I wish I could get perfect grades without doing any work, and still learn everything I need to know for said grades.
Granted! Unfortunately, it's because you've been demoted back to third grade.
I wish I didn't have to do laundry.
Granted! However because you don't do laundry you quickly develop a stench of Biblical proportions, and an angry mob throws you into an incinerator to cleanse the world of your stench.
I wish I had my report for R.I. history was done.
Granted. You're the only girl in a nudist colony full of obese men. At least you don't have to do laundry!
I wish I was the best FPS player in the world.
Loch Belthadd: Granted. It's Done. Over. Along with all the rest of your work. And you. And your friends and family. And... well, everything. All Done. Over. The yarn of time has run out. The universe, perhaps even the multiverse, is Done.
SDragon: Granted. Whenever you play FPS you completely own all comers with little effort, however you have a compulsion to rub in every victory with off-colour remarks about people's maternal line of descent and constant use of terms such as "n00b" You become so obnoxious that you are eventually banned from every FPS server in the world, and can only exercise your unique skills in single-player mode, which is nowhere near challenging enough. Longing once again for the thrill of owning real people, and driven by a mixture of boredom and low-grade insanity, you purchase a gun and proceed down the high street exclaiming "BOOM HEAD SHOT" and "lol pwnt" as you off passersby. You are shortly shot dead by a police sniper.
I wish my mouth ulcer would heal.
Granted, it will also beg and speak on command as well.
I wish I wasn't so mental :P
Granted. You now have no brain whatsoever.
I wish I didn't have to be killed for my boredom induced killing spree...
Granted, however you go to prison for the rest of your life, sharing a room with 3 large husky men all named Bubba.
I wish I could find my Nintendo DS.
Granted. You find your Nintendo DS... underneath your front car tire.
I wish I had more experience drawing with tonal shading.
Granted! However the only "experience" you get is the various tones of Bubba.
I wish my friends weren't preppy goths.
Granted! You have no friends.
I wish I wasn't sick.
Granted!you are dead.
I wish I could teleport.At will. Anywhere.Completly.
Granted! However you now look like Haden Christianson and have the personality of Anakin from Episode II
I wish I had more mini churros
Granted!
Much later, your dead body is found crushed under a gigantic pile of mini churros.
I wish ED hadn't wished for mini churros and suffered that horrible fate.
Granted. Instead, he graciously wished for you to have the churros.
I wish inmates named Bubba didn't exist..
Granted! All of the Bubbas in the world are now called big daddy.
I wish I had a pet roc.(not rock)
Granted. Baltimore garbage collector Roc Emerson (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roc_(TV_series)) is now your loyal pet. Unfortunately, he now collects the garbage and brings it to your house in an effort to please you.
I wish nobody had gotten crushed under a pile of mini churros. Or anything else!
Granted. Baltimore garbage collector Roc Emerson (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roc_(TV_series)) is now your loyal pet. Unfortunately, he now collects the garbage and brings it to your house in an effort to please you.
Er, that was supposed to be. It shows up properly if I edit the post, but not if I try to click it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roc_(TV_series)
I will change my wish to: I wish creating hyperlinks worked properly.
Granted! However you all are now on top of a giant pile of mini churros, and must make the perilous descent while avoiding the rabid Churro Monsters which smother people to death on sight with their churroy(i?) goodness!
I wish I knew how to say churroy(i?)
Granted! However, just before declaring the pronunciation to the world, a Mini Churro Monster appears out of a portal and drags you to Churroyia, Realm of Churros to be sacrificed to Churroyianathulu, the God of Mini Churros!
:wtf:
I wish ED had made a wish that is related to churros.
Granted! However you can't hear it because Churroyianathulu, the God of Mini Churros, is giving a needlessly long winded speech listing off your various crimes and blasphemies prior to sacrificing you...
I wish I could become an Epic Level Paladin/Ranger with Favored Enemy (Mini Churros) and be sent on a holy quest to Churroyia, Realm of Churros, all in the hopes of saving Sir Loch Belthadd from his most horrible of fates.
Granted! Now come save me.
I wish ED would save me already, and that I was an epic level blue mage
Granted. Just before your sacrifice, Churroyianathulu discovers that you're, shall we say, "not properly functional" enough for sacrifice. He decides to make due with the "ceremony", and a year later you still can't sit properly.
I wish Loch didn't have to understand exactly how his wish was painfully corrupted.
Granted! He goes insane and no longer understands anything about reality.
I wish people would stop making wishes about churros.
Granted! However your wish cannot change reality as a whole, thus it chooses to morph your personal reality thusly every time some one says the word 'Churro' your mind reads it as 'Zucchini Seed.'
I wish I could form a fellowship of the Zucchini Seed, whose goal is to slay the ill tempered Zucchini Seedanathulu of DOOM!
Granted! You form one with that goal! However, it fails miserably at that goal. You all end up meeting miserable deaths torn apart from the inside by zucchini plants.
I wish my wishes would change reality as a whole. :P
Granted! however reality as a whole doesn't like your wishes and destroys you with a mini black hole.
I wish I had telekinesis.
Sparkie:Granted! He goes insane and no longer understands anything about reality.
What else is new? :weirdo:
Granted, however it randomly turns on and off. You are crushed when you attempt to life a truck over your head and your power fades.
I wish I had a chalupa
Granted! However a rabid chalupa mons...*sounds of Loch being choked by Sparkletwist*...
I wish I had a built in clock.
Granted! however, the digital clock display is located on your stomach and flashes '12:00 AM' like a broken VCR. Unfortunately, there is no known way of setting the clock.
I wish my philosophy teacher would teach by Comic book reference more often!
(He actually used the Leader, from the Hulk, as an exaple in class today!)
Granted! but the only comics he ever references are obscure care bear comics and comics that bash dwarves and praise elves.
I wish I could play D&D right now.
Granted! However an unknown space faring race appears in the skies of your campaign, unleashing a torrent of bio-weapons that kill off Elves. With in a week, all elves in the setting are dead, leaving only the Dwarves, and their Human and Halfling friends, to take over the Elf-free world!
I wish I was as crafty as Xykon, from OoTS!
Granted. You're also just as dead, but not nearly as undead. Really, you're a skeleton. A clever skeleton, but a skeleton nonetheless.
I wish my car had an autopilot.
Granted, unfortunately it's a suicidal autopilot and it drives you off a cliff.
I wish I could cast greater wall of text as well as snarg
Granted! however most dwarves are highly allergic to those spells, and they cause every dwarf in the universe to choke on their own tongues.
I wish that the bioweapon was never used.
Granted, instead in its place is used the churroweapon. Millions more die then would have with just bioweapons. You are blamed for the devastation.
I wish I had a pet sea monster named fluffy.
Granted! however "fluffy" can transform into "muffy" and he teleports into your pants and transforms!
I wish I had a +100 churrobane vorpal greatsword of awesomeness.
Granted, your churroy opponent has a +1000 lochbane vorpal cannon of epicness. He blows your head off from a mile away.
I wish loch belthadd wasn't the next person to post in this thread.
Granted. It's me. Mwahahaha.
I wish I hadn't just posted in this thread.
Granted! however I did instead! :-p
I wish I had a supertank.
Granted. Your water-tank is now absolutely superlative.
I wish I could dye my hair blood red without losing my job.
You can. You're now a garbage man, a job where nobody really cares what you look like, so long as you can handle the constant stench of old rubbish.
Oh wait, you're a punk rocker. That's not so bad for you, is it..?
I wish I could find a decent local punk rock concert, that doesn't smell too bad, isn't expensive, and appears regularly.
[ooc]Haha, I wouldn't actually mind being a binman. I've worked on recycling for festivals before, which is pretty much the same, and it was fun.
I'd got so used to the smell by my last shift I was slinging binbags with one hand and eating a slice of pizza with the other (No, I hadn't found it in the recycling, I bought it as we passed a stall)[/ooc]
Granted. However, you know the annoying dude who always hangs around on the edge of pits waiting to injure anyone who comes too close and/or start fights over nothing? This place has about 30 of him.
I wish I could be in several places at once.
Granted. Y'know those ~30 guys at that concert I'm at? You're simultaneously in front of, behind, and to both side of every single one of them. Thanks for being my human shield!
I wish Kindling would quite down his hollers of pain so I could enjoy the music...
Instead, the music gets louder. Much louder! You can hear it, well, as long as your hearing lasts, anyway, which isn't long. You are now deaf.
I wish I had orange juice, delicious pancakes, and other components of a tasty, complete breakfast.
Granted! However, like Elves to Drow, your tasty breakfast components are all dark versions of their kin. Your Pancakes want to rebel against the Dark Breakfast Society and decides to wield two scimitars and take the Dark Butter as an ally animal companion. There is much hatred brewed when the Pancakes decide to leave the table and 'find them selves' in the fridge.
I wish I were taller, not Apache chief tall but taller than the average dutchman.
Granted, you're also wider... big bubba wider.
I wish I had my college degree in CIS done and out of the way.
Granted! You now have a degree in Cthulhu Investigatory Systems, congratulations!
I wish nomadic and I starred as Tolkien-esque Dwarves serving as Town Guards for a Dwarven metropolis on the hit TV show "CSI: Dwarven Metropolis"
Granted, and you also wield badass axes. Wait? *whisper* what do you mean I am supposed to corrupt it? FINE!
Granted, and you both wind up in jail after you are accused of slaughtering an entire village of pansy elves.
I wish that all elves were turned into dwarves.
Granted! And we all live happily ever after! Wait? *whisper* what do you mean I am supposed to corrupt it? FINE!
Granted, The Elfven-Dwarves are majorly effeminate and replace women folk as the objects of Dwarven affection.
I wish Dwarven women were more attractive than Elven-Dwarves!
Granted! but only to dwarves, gnomes, and goblins.
I wish I had an amulet of ooze riding, and a gelatinous cube.
Granted. You're now riding what is, to you, a solid cube. It is hardly the most comfortable of mounts - nor is a that easy to stay on, once it's got "up to speed" as it were.
I wish Christmas wasn't advertised from the beginning of November onwards.
Granted! it is now advertised from January onwards.
I wish I had fangs.
Granted! They're so long, they hold your jaw open painfully wide. You don't get used to the pain. In fact, you start to wonder if your jaw is close to dislocation.
I wish my GL belt buckle didn't keep coming apart...
Granted! it becomes so tight that you can not remove it or your pants.
I wish I had night vision goggles.
Granted! However, they are solar powered and have a battery life of 5 minutes.
I wish I could watch a fight between The Hulk, Hulk Hogan of America and Captain America in comic book form!
Granted! You're sitting in an arena with 30000 screaming fans, mostly screaming in protest because they're all trying to make out the details of a comic book lying on the arena floor. Eventually a riot breaks out and you end up in the hospital.
I wish they'd make an Aliens vs Predator movie that wasn't stupid.
Granted! However the movie is SOOOOO amazing, Aliens and Preditors come to earth to see it. They then wage a war emulating the movie, killing all of humanity in the process. Thanks.
I wish people could wear pajamas to the office.
Granted! but you know that morbidly obese guy in the next cubicle... he wears a speedo to bed.
I wish that mental image wasn't in my mind. :ill:
Granted, its instead implanted in your actual vision and all you ever see with your eyes is a fat man in a speedo.
I wish I had loch's spiffy hat.
Granted! The hat appears on your head. Loch, who is standing next to you, takes it back.
I wish i had 2 green pens, rather than just 1.
Granted, a new government pen tax though forces you to give both pens back to the government (take my hat will ya :P )
I wish I had a pet dragon
Granted! Your name is changed to Eragon and you must live through the Star Wars with LotR Scenery movie for the rest of eternity.
I wish such a fate would never befall me.
Granted! instead you are in a harry potter movie!
I wish my hat was theft-proof.
Granted! Your hat is now hideously ugly and emits a foul stench. Nobody would ever steal it.
I wish I had some interesting books to read.
Granted! however just as you open the first one the fumes from my hat get into your eyes and blind you.
I wish I had a lightsaber.
Granted! You have one! A broken one. It's impossible to activate, and is as such just a nice looking metal cylinder.
I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow.
Granted. You don't "have" to work tomorrow. But if you don't, your family will be killed. Slowly.
I wish for badassery in general.
Granted! you now have a bad ass that doesn't work. and must get it fixed in a costly operation.
I wish my vampire wasn't a Geovanni.
Grated! He's now Ash Ketchum from Palette Town's father and he's looking to recruit you as his Persian!
I wish Almonds tasted like Zucchini and Zucchini tasted like CHURROS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Granted! A wizard from an unnamed other country with a language unknown to us casts a spell that makes Zucchini taste like Churros. However "Churros" in the language spoken in this unnamed country is actually the word for "feces."
OOPS, forgot to post one of my own.
I wish my life was a musical.
Granted. You're now Judas Eschariot, the oddly black betrayer of Christ, in Jesus Christ Superstar. What, you were hoping to be a Cat?
I would wish for ElDo and Crit to come back, but that's a wish I'd rather not have corrupted. Instead, I wish I could figure out how to get the best possible result from this landscape-generator I have on my computer...
Granted! At some point in the future ElDo comes back!... And a landscaping generator Professor magically appears in your room and shows you how to make the best possible result. However, he falls in love with the work and magically copyrights the material before you can ever use it.
I wish Big Boys came back.
They do, their names are bubba and billy joe. They think you have a pretty mouth.
I wish that I always had a clever response for anything anybody says to me
Granted. However, you also lose the power of speech, so you can never actually employ said clever responses.
I wish I really was as clever and generally good as I like to think I am.
Granted. Now people's standards change and everything you have wanted to become is looked down upon by the whole of society.
I wish things would be more cheery here.
Granted. There is a lot more cheering going on. People are cheering, for example, as you are led, hands bound, up onto the platform. They are cheering as you are manhandled towards the block. They are cheering as you are forced to bend down. They are cheering a lot as the axe swings down...
I wish I had an old Second World War greatcoat, preferably one of the dark blue RAF ones. It'd be nice if it was a bit worn, but only enough to look cool, not so as it was actually any less comfortable/warm.
Granted. It is worn and was worn by someone as they died. You can tell by the blood all over it and the terrible smell. Fits perfectly, though.
I wish there were more hours in a day/
Granted! However, a second was chaned to equal half of its time, thus doubling the number of hours in a day - Welcome to the 48 Hour Day.
I wish I were a Captain in Starfleet and died a heroes death fighting against the Jem'Hadar during the Dominion Wars.
Granted. You died a hero's death. It was also a very painful, slow death.
I wish my oven would cook jacket potatoes quicker.
Granted. From the time they are placed in the oven you have exact 1/100 of a second to remove them. That is when they will be ideally cooked. From there they can only get burned.
I wish to sleep more and get more done in the same amount of time.
Granted! As your potatoes cook, they spontaneously become sentient and put on leather Jackets, emulating their god the - Fonz. However, your oven cooks them more quickly, thus baking them in a gross, disturbing, inhumane way. You have killed the only other sentient race ever to evolve on Earth, thanks.
I wish Dwarves and Elves and Halflings were real.
Granted! They band together in a conspiracy to kill all humans. Thanks a lot.
I wish that something good would happen as a result of this wish. To me. Without something bad happening to someone else. At all. Anywhere. Ever. Please?
Granted. You gain all of the money in the world. In pennies, which crush you to death. Having lost all currency, the rest of the world quickly learns the pointlessness of material wealth, and reaches perfect blissfulness. They're so happy, in fact, that nobody mourns your death. At all. Anywhere. Ever.
I wish I had a new soundcard, so that I wouldn't have to be stuck with onboard audio. The soundcard, of course, has to be of better quality then my onboard audio.
Granted, a transhumanist doctor implants it in your skull. Now you can listen to and song you think of anywhere you want. Too bad the only song you can think of is midnight at the oasis.
I wish I had enough money to get a Ruger 10-22
Granted.
The Ruger 10/22 immediately is discontinued and prices jump. You can no longer buy one.
I wish I had more free time.
Granted! You are liberated from time and exist in an alternate universe where nothing exists save yourself. You have all the free time you desire.
I wish I could become a Super Saiyan but not have to work for it, you know just sort of spontaneously become one.
Granted, you become a super saiyan. However, you are the weakest one in existence and can be easily defeated by a small girl.
I wish I had a cookie.
Granted. The cookie is made of plastic.
I wish the show I was going to go to tonight hadn't sold out.
Granted. Your best friend calls to tell you that he's got a line on two tickets and he can't wait to take that girl you can't stand, and could you loan him $30 so he can get them before they go.
I wish more people played VTES (Jyhad).
Granted! Two more people now play it. They play it with each other, exclusively. They have no interest in playing it with you.
I wish my dinner was ready for me to eat instead of me still having to cook it.
Granted! Its called McDonalds!
I wish I could interpret sunrises the way Legolas did in Lord of the Rings II.
Granted! Unfortunately staring at so many sunrises has permanently ruined your sight, rendering your divinatory abilities useless.
I wish I could speak and write Latin fluently so I wouldn't have to study for my upcoming exam.
Granted! but you forget every other language you know.
I wish my flash drive had 1 terabyte on it and was the same size it is now.
Granted! In bright orange letters your flash drive now has emblazoned on it "1 terabyte."
I wish I enjoyed things more.
Granted, you enjoy everything and cannot feel sadness ever again. Afterwards everyone you know and love dies and you are kicked out to fend for yourself on the street. You live in rags with no hope and die a painful death soon after. But at least you enjoyed it all.
I wish my next wish was uncorruptable.
Granted! your next wish is uncorruptable... as long as it has something to do with piles of bullsh*t, you, and falling face first.
I wish that DP would wish for the uncoruptible wish he just wished for. :-p
Granted. But you find in the small print that you actually only get the one.
I wish I could grant wishes.
I just ninja'd you!
Granted. DP wishes that he could fall face first on a pile of bullshit, and then he is transported back 3 minutes in time to land on you just about the time you were interpreting his wish. ;)
I wish I hadn't been ninjaed.
Granted! instead you were rocktiefeetdeepwatered!
I wish that you had been ninja'd so as to avoid the rocktiefeetdeepwatering.
Granted, but the ninja also ninja's you (in the heart with a knife).
I wish loch belthadd would fall face first into a pile of bullshit and I would get rich from looting his wallet when it happened.
Granted. But his wallet was filled with marked bills from an earlier bank job and you spend the rest of your life in federal prison, while Loch just has to get up and take a bath.
I wish I had a bottle of perfectly-stored, preserved, undamaged 1962 Ch. Margaux to go with my perfectly functioning tastebuds.
Granted, it is displayed in a case next to your perfectly functioning taste buds as part of a display on human taste perception at a museum.
I wish I had a pet gothling
Granted! unfourtunatly you are in jail so your gothling was taken by the government.
I wish I had a ninja-proof vest that covers my chest-area.
Granted. However, with ninja-proof vests that protect the chest becoming more common, ninjas start using longer blade to get to the heart from a hole in the stomach.
I wish my hands weren't so dry.
Granted. Your hands get caught in a chipper and become dripping masses of bloody flesh.
I wish I had a team of people to do Calisenthe busywork for me.
Granted. They fully flesh out every minor city for you, down to the kid's nicknames for stray dogs. They're going to turn in the 865 page tome later today for you to review...after you learn the rare Turkish dialect it was written in, of course.
I wish work went by more quickly.
Granted! It now goes by so quickly you can't get anything done! You are soon fired for your lack of productivity.
I wish I understood Japanese better (while not forgetting how to speak English, thank you!)
Granted, you now understand why the Japanese culture works the way it does and no longer get weirded out by them. Of course you still can't understand a word they say.
I wish I was the most brilliant storywriter on earth.
Granted! You write the most brilliant story ever written. Everyone hates it because they prefer mass-market paperback trash. It barely sells enough copies for anyone to have heard of you, and you die prematurely, obscure and poor, when a mob tramples you at a book signing in order to grab all the copies of the latest book by Brian Herbert.
I wish all of the files on my computer were organized instead of being spread across three different drives.
Granted. Most are archived and now inaccessible. Including the ones in your System32 folder.
I wish that there were more hours in the day.
Granted! however none of the clocks in the world are programmed for 2 extra hours so you don't know when they are.
I wish I had all the books that I am waiting for.
Granted. They all arrived in your mail 10 minutes ago. They are in a form of Chinese and came from a place known to produce illegal copies of books...a place which is being investigated by the FBI, who just found those books you've been waiting for in your mail.
I wish I never felt tired.
Granted! While you never FEEL tired, you still suffer all the other negative effects of sleep deprivation. And since you never feel tired you cannot make yourself get to sleep. Sleeping pills do nothing to help you fall asleep, and driven mad by insomnia, you overdose on said sleeping pills and die.
I wish my Research Paper was done.
Granted. Its about molecular biology and its effect on Sino-American relations during the 1980's.
I wish MY research paper, about Marx and Communism, were done!
Granted. Your professor has his friend help him go over the research papers. This friend grew up in the 1950s and has always remained paranoid about "them cames". As he's aged, his mind has started to go. Reading your paper sends him over the edge and he goes on a killing spree, taking out all perceived communists, starting with you.
I wish I could just sleep when I feel tired.
Granted, how ever you feel tired all the time now. Eventually you fall asleep in a forest and are tended to by 7 dwarf females who enjoy cooking, mining and singing catchy songs. Eventually Prince Valiant, a handsome paladin, rescues you from the Dwarfs and gives you a wet kiss with lots of extra slop. You awaken from your cursed sleep only to see a hawking spit bridge connecting you to the Prince. Enjoy!
I wish I could play 4E more often!
Granted. WotC gets legislation passed banning all RPGs except 4e. Anyone caught playing anything else is put to death. Oh and all the angry 3e/non DnD fans blame you.
I wish that you would corrupt this wish in a way that causes harm to yourself and nobody else.
Granted! I am sent to Disney Land to endure the horrendously un-fun rides, be forced to purchase their overpriced souvenirs and spend a week in one of Disney's official Hotel Rooms. God that week would SUCK!
I wish Nomadic had to watch all of Tim Allan's movies in a row as punishment for sending me to Disney Land!
Granted! however he tricks you into watching them with him.
I wish I could watch them watch Tim Allan.
Granted! You are now a self-aware character in a Tim Allan movie. You are able to see them through the television, but are forever trapped in the Tim Allan movie.
I wish I could stop time until my paper (which happens to be on the Elizabethan audience) was finished.
Granted however, God smites you for your hubris and sends you to hell, where the Devil forces you to write the term papers of those who have sold their souls to him!
I wish I owned a House Elf akin to those in Harry Potter!
Granted. You are now some wizard's manservant for the rest of eternity.
I wish I didn't have allergies.
Granted, you catch a rare disease that wipes out your allergies. Unfortunately the reason for that is because it wiped out your immune system. You die of the sniffles a week later.
I wish I wasn't so freaked out by limetom's creepy avatar.
Granted! However, to desensitize you to it, you and everyone else in the world are magically transformed to look like the picture! Yes, we all look like sexed up anime Street Fighters with Giddy Sadistic smiles!
I wish I knew where the portal in Nomadic's avatar led to....
Granted! However such knowledge curses you with a spacial mark only the enemies of Earth can see. They know who you are. They know where you live. They're only biding their time before they kill the one who knows their secret!
I wish I had a cookie. An unperverted Chocolate Chip Cookie baked fresh and unspoiled by the taint of a cursed wish!
EDIT: OMG I just cursed myself and didn't realize it!
Granted, however you are forbidden from eating it. Should you eat it, Snickerdoodelon, the lord of cookies will smite you where you stand.
I wish I was Snickerdoodelon
Granted, however your name is purchased by Hasbro and now adorns a boring holiday board game. You receive no royalties since you are no longer human. No one fears you and none believe in you. Your name slowly fades from the memory of humanity.
I wish Churroyianathulu, God of Churros could save Snickerdoodelon from damnation!
Granted. Unfortunately, Churros no longer exist, so he has no power over anything in this world.
I wish I could cook twice as good as Gordon Ramsey.
Granted however you soon realize that your cooking powers are directly proportional to your use of the 'F-Bomb.' You become obsessed with a particular recipe for anjou fessant, whose creation requires you to use no other word save the 'F-Bomb.' Your underchefs begin to despise you, your TV ratings plummet and all your fans abandon you, except a small group of mall goths, who enjoy your 'hatred.'
Have a nice life :)
I wish I were the Green Ranger!
Granted! You are the Green Ranger while mind controlled by Rita Repulsa, and in the off screen time you are forced to perform all kinds of . . . favors for her.
I wish the pretty girl went to college with me. . .
Granted. The girl hooks up with a jock that has an IQ of a soapdish who, feeling a need to prove his manliness, beats you to a pulp. Pretty girl gives a lovely eulogy.
I wish I had TiVo.
Granted. You have TiVo, and haven taken it from everyone else, they all form an angry mob and lynch you.
I wish for chocolate mint flavoured CHAINSAW NUN CHUCKS.
Granted. You now have chocolate mint flavoured CHAINSAW NUN CHUCKS... in your lungs.
I wish... you had... more time...
Granted! I know have SO MUCH more time, that I have no idea what to do with myself. Out of sheer boredom I take up incredibly dangerous activities and die. Now you have to live with the knowledge that, indirectly, you killed me.
@ Stargate: Ha! That's funny. I go to Vassar.
I wish I had mastery over all matter, like Dr. Manhattan.
Granted, how ever if anyone says your name backwards you are immediately sent to the rainbow-colored plane where rainbow-colored unicorns and rainbow-colored monkeys fornicate in vast rainbow-colored meadows filled with rainbow-colored daises.
I wish I were Sesshomaru
Granted, you are Sesshomaru, the main focus of a slash fan-fic with Kirara. Awesome...
I wish I could boss people around like I do in Dwarf Fortress.
granted! but you have to type in your orders and everyone is represented by a letter. Also everyone you control is an insane fisherman who tries to drown themselves at least twice a day.
I wish my xbox worked again.
Granted. Your X-box is now a workaholic, spending weekends, evenings and most nights doing overtime. It works, and works and works, and has an affair with the PC guy. They run off together and live happily ever after in Spreadsheet City.
I wish I couldn't get drunk no matter how much alcohol I consumed.
Granted but... your life will be pretty dull. Enjoy!
I wish I had the super power to create a single tasty mini-churro, in my open hand, whenever I said the word 'HairyfootedHobbitLover!'
Granted, however, people look at you funny when you say the magic word.
I wish I could decide which I wanted more ATM - a Screwdriver or a Margarita...
* Steerpike uses a black onyx gem to cast Animate Thread.
Granted. Unfortunately the orange juice in the screwdriver went bad years ago, while the margarita was made from crappy margarita-mix. Also, both drinks are poisoned.
I wish I didn't have to wait to play Mass Effect 3.
Granted, it arrives in your hands today, but as it was rushed it is a horrible game that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.
I wish I was king of gnomes
Granted. You make a lovely set, you and the other 51 cards in the deck.
I wish I had a clean comb.
Granted! However its one of those huge novelty clown combs.
I wish there were more Episodes of the the show Episodes.
Granted! However, all the original writers were sacked and replaced. The new writers cause everyone in the show to act inexplicably out of character, and they kill off all of the original characters one by one throughout the season, resulting in an entirely new cast by the new writers' second season. This new cast is entirely composed by gym teachers who were pulled off the street and handed a cue-card 10 seconds before shooting.
I wish I were more awesomely spontaneous.
Granted. You're locked away for being schitzophrenic.
I wish I hadn't destroyed my computer.
Granted: Quantum processors have been recently invented, rendering your miraculously fixed model obselete.
I wish i could live my prime years in the jazz era.
Granted, you are also deaf and blind, thus unable to enjoy the experience.
I wish I had something that I wish I didn't have
Granted. The paradox of its fulfillment destroys reality.
I wish for every single Lego set that was ever designed.
Granted! All your children suffocate on the pieces.
I wish that i could solve world hunger.
Granted, its called Soylent Green and now everybody is taken to the processing facility when they turn 30 years old.
I wish They would create a DBZ Movie for the battle between Goku, Frieza and his father that should have occurred had Trunks not come from the future and done another man's job.
granted! The film was created by the same people who did "Puma Man"
speaking of which
I wish mystery science theater 3000 was still running on tv.
Granted but the MST3K audio was lost so it will be replaced by only the audio from the movies themselves. The sketches will be filled only with music from the public domain.
(You do know about RiffTrax, right?)
I wish I could get paid well just for being awesome.
Granted! But your life slowly slips from your grip as you become obsessed with maintaining your awesomeness. Eventually drugs, prostitutes, alcohol and tigerblood enter the equation and your entire life's work is whittled down to a twitter account where you desperately try to look awesome to a dwindling follower base...
I wish the world was like Yugioh and everyone loved Children's Card Games instead of crummy old sports!
Granted, but your cards tear open a portal in time and space and bring unspeakable steerpikian horrors from beyond the veil of reality to feast on the flesh of the world.
I wish I could make anyone I wanted get whatever song I desired stuck in their head.
Granted! Welcome to a card-summoned monster infested Never-Neverland where everyone loves childrens card games because they stay children forever! Or at least for as long as they live, which is no more than a couple of decades and since no one reaches puberty there can be no procreation and the race dies out quickly.
I wish I had all the time I wanted to play the games I used to play and people to play them with.
looks.. like you.. got.. NINJA-D!!!!!!
@Nomadic
granted! you get the barney theme song stuck in clint eastwoods head, and he shoots you dead.
I wish cartoon network was still making alot of great cartoons.
granted, they go out of business because good tv doesn't sell well
I wish pirates and ninjas were best friends
Granted! However, you are randomly selected to serve in a bio-dome for the next 30 years. There will be no TV, no books, no people. Just you and your genetically engineered Venus Fly Trap.
I wish someone would grant Ninja D's last wish!
DRAT I got Ninja D!!!!
@ Nomadic: Granted! However, the sheer awesomeness of those two forces teaming up attracts the ire of Super Braintron 6000 and so the world is plunged into a nuclear holocaust where only the Cyborg slaves of Super Braintron 6000 may live.
I wish someone would grant Ninja D's last wish!
Granted, someone will... in roughly 6000 years...
I wish I had my own starship
Granted! However, it can only travel at 1/2 the speed of light and someone forgot to stock the kitchen with any food. You will die of starvation and/or thirst before you reach your intended destination.
I wish Nomadic had a starship with food on board!
Granted. The vessel is a sentient bioship fuelled by organic materials. It charts a course among the habitable worlds of the cosmos, harvesting their inhabitants for its own purposes and to nourish its human crew. As it feeds it grows and inevitably its hunger is insatiable. At last only Nomadic's home planet is left. The starship, heedless of its captain's desires, opens wide its maw...
I wish banana ice cream tasted like banana.
Granted. In your wild quest for banana-ice-cream perfection, the experimentation process over several years eats into the world's banana crops until, finally, when the finished banana ice cream is perfected, the banana itself is near extinction. Millions of financially ruined banana-farmers and banana-merchants gather outside your house with pitchforks and torches... you think you can glimpse a gallows somewhere behind them...
I wish those strap-on golden beards from that Lady Gaga video would come in as a standard male fashion accessory.
Granted. The beards become the premier accessory of men the world over, eventually coming to represent masculinity so completely that men forgo all traditional expressions of maleness and dedicate their every waking moment to the "grooming" of their luxuriant metal chin-blankets. The birth-rate plummets and within 100 years no new human beings are born. This is revealed to be the insidious scheme of Venusians, who promptly invade, only to be thwarted by the horrifying presence of water on our planet. Even so, the human race is dead within a generation.
I wish I could remember to vote for the CBG over on rpggateway.com.
Granted. However, every time you go to vote, the form glitches and makes you vote a "1".
I wish I could think of a wish.
Granted. The wish you think of is for everyone to be zombies. And then they are.
I wish there was an organization of wish uncrushers who would take note of, and set right, this terrible inhuman fiasco.
Granted. They determine that the best method of preventing future abuse is the complete extermination of the human race.
I wish I didn't need or want to sleep.
Granted! But your life becomes quite boring as every waking minute is filled with the same boring things, on and on and on and on. TV, internet, books, other people - nothing can give you the solace or the distraction you desire. Eventually you take up extreme rodeoing as a night time hobby. One night, as you begin to bore of your new past-time, you get bucked and slip under the raging bull - it tramples you to death.
I wish Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Buttermilk were real and could have a wrestling fight.
Granted, they team up against their opponent... you.
I wish I could make people content by pointing at them
Granted. Your finger becomes the world's only source of of contentment. You're imprisoned by the government and visits to your magical pointing finger are rationed. You live out the rest of your days in a cage and once you're gone, no one will ever again know what it is too feel content.
I wish televison programs were once again of the quality they were between 1997 and 2003.
Granted, after 5 minutes of enjoying your shows an alien invasion shuts down the worldwide electrical grid and begins capturing humans to use as living batteries for their spaceships.
I wish ninja d was a pirate
Granted. If the Federal government ever gets a good look at my hard drive, you'll only ever hear from me again if you can access the CBG from prison.
I wish copyright laws in the United States were less insane.
Granted, there are no longer any copyright laws in the US, everything you create is stolen and resold by big companies... you never see a penny of it
I wish I had some sushi right now
granted! It's poorly cut pufferfish with salmonella
i wish the ICO/SOTC combo set for the ps3 would come out earlier.
granted, the PS3 is discontinued the day before it is planned to release... oh and all the PS3s on earth break at the same time
I wish I had a turtle farm
granted! all the turtles reject you and you die not knowing the sweet love of a testudine.
I wish that disney made more hand drawn animation films
Granted! However, via the Magic of Disney ®, your hands will cut off and attached to psionic-force-strings so Dark Disney Sorcerer-Artists ® can use them like marionettes to draw every single full length animated film from now until the end of time itself!
I wish the Hunger Hungry Hungry Hippos felt could be staid.
Granted! The game is now boring beyond belief.
I wish i had a fighter jet.
Granted! On your first sojourn in said vehicle the military, oblivious to your wish, shoots you down as a potentially hostile intruder. Also, the ejector seat was installed incorrectly.
I wish we all had fully functional Star Trek replicators, ushering in an age of post-scarcity utopia.
Granted, someone uses their replicator to tap into vacuum energy and destroy the solar system.
I wish I had an army of gothlings at my command
All right, I'll man up...
Granted: The universe collapses on itself from so much sheer dark gothic cuteness being accumulated in one area.
I wish that steven spielberg was still making cartoons
(did i already make this wish?)
Granted but his vision is so costly, no one can fund it except George Lucas, who demands Hayden Christensen voices every single character.
I wish Lucas could make movies like he used to (I pine for the days of Indy 1-3 and Star Wars 4-6).
Granted! He has the capability, but decides that he actually likes making crap movies, and lets his talent rot while he courts Hayden Christensen.
I wish I was better at prioritizing.
Granted, you put jumping off of objects in excess of 40 ft at the top of your priorities. Prioritizing beyond this point doesn't matter for obvious reasons.
I wish I could pull the exact amount of money needed for something out of thin air at will without destabilizing any economies.
Granted! Everyone starts gathering around your house for various reasons, until you can't take it anymore and runaway to Mexico.
I wish that i could travel to other universes.
Granted. You have a great time for the first few months, and purchase everything you really want. After a while, though, as you start to lose perception of the value of material objects, you begin to be dissatisfied with... well, just about anything. Although you have access to pretty much anything you could desire, you find yourself less and less satisfied by any of it. You eventually find your life is devoid of all meaning - you have nothing left to strive towards.
I wish I could devote myself single-mindedly to a cause, and believe totally in what I was doing.
Quote from: Newb MSTieGranted! Everyone starts gathering around your house for various reasons, until you can't take it anymore and runaway to Mexico.
I wish that i could travel to other universes.
Granted, unfortunately there are no other universes as the universe comprises everything that exists anywhere.
I wish I had some delicious pepperoni pizza
Granted. Your pizza is delivered by a serial killer pizza boy, who slipped poison in it.
I wish all politicians were perfectly honest.
Granted, now nobody is willing to vote anymore because they don't want anyone in control... the world descends into anarchy.
I wish I had some delicious UNPOISONED pepperoni pizza
Granted: The pepperoni is extremely hot, and it burns and peels the top of you're mouth.
I wish that the neo swing movement from the nineties would've made jazz popular again.
Granted. You're now surrounded by stoned white suburbanite male college students that want to be black. In effect, jazz is now more annoying than Jamie Kennedy working with Vanilla Ice.
I wish I could wake up with less grogginess...
Couldn't resist this one...
Quote from: Newb MSTieI wish that steven spielberg was still making cartoons
Granted. Bluth Studios signs Spielberg up with a 25 movie contract. He's now in charge of the remainder of the sequels to The Land Before Time, but the quality of the franchise still continues to decline. The rest of his contract is carried out with multiple sequels to Rock-A-Doodle and A Troll In Central Park.
Granted! Instead of waking up with grogginess, you wake up with sadness - soul crushing, life ruining despair that haunts ever waking moment of your now cheerless life.
I wish for more wishes that do not have drawbacks.
Granted, the person who hates you most gets all the wishes they could ever want
I wish for my own pepperoni pizza to eat and enjoy right this minute with no drawbacks
Granted. You get to enjoy your pizza without drawbacks for exactly the one minute. As soon as the time's up, you wake up and realize it was just a dream. You're left feeling hungry and disappointed.
I wish everyone could use bullet time (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BulletTime) and super reflexes (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SuperReflexes).
Granted! it gets old really fast...
I wish John Lasseter was in charge of Disney.
Granted - he immediately begins inserting Disney characters into Marvel Comics, including a story where Mickey Mouse kills Deadpool and Wolverine. This makes it into the movies. comics are ruined forever.
I wish I had telepathy where I have complete control over who's mind I read, and can read anyone's mind.
Granted (http://xkcd.com/610/)!
I wish it didn't take so long to install Super Street Fighter 4 to my ps3 hard drive.
Granted! However, faster install times come with infinitely longer load times while you play the game.
I wish it was 2006 again!
Granted, the date is revised from 2011 to 2006... nothing else changes.
I wish I had more money to blow on shooting and gaming.
Granted! You become a millionaire with Disney Dollars! You can freely spend these dollars inside of Disney theme parks, which include various wild west themed gun attractions and arcades!
I wish every member of the CBG was transported into a fantasy world, given a class and a race, then sent into a Gygaxian Dungeon
Granted. All of us become kobolds, you become a human warrior. We set up traps to screw with your head from safety.
I wish I had shapeshifting powers (think of all the jokes I could play on people :D )
Granted...You can shift into a ugly 13 yr old boy, but that is all.
I wish the CBG had an orbital satalite club house that we could all meet up in...
granted, you can only get in if you look like an ugly 13yr old boy
I wish I could speak vreegese
Granted! However, you speak with a very thick accent, which only ugly 13yr old boys can understand.
I wish this wish's resolution didn't involve ugly 13yr old boys...
Granted! you are now an ugly 12 year old boy.
I wish I had exactly two more books, no more, no less.
Granted! Both are in an unreadable and untranslatable alien language, look like hoaxes, and you are never able to read english again - you can only read these books, which are alien translations of the first two Twilight novels.
I wish I could create a dozen exact copies of myself that would obey me and any knowledge they gained would pass to me.
Quote from: Xathan WorldsmithGranted! Both are in an unreadable and untranslatable alien language, look like hoaxes, and you are never able to read english again - you can only read these books, which are alien translations of the first two Twilight novels.
I wish I could create a dozen exact copies of myself that would obey me and any knowledge they gained would pass to me.
Granted, the copies only speak and understand a strange language which man was not meant to know. You go insane being bombarded by their eldritch thoughts every moment of every day.
I wish that I could have really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like
Quote from: NomadicI wish that I could have really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like
. . . What?
@Nomadic: Granted! the essence of the universe absolutely despises you for putting up such an undecipherable question, and screws up the space time continuem to make sure you were never born.
I wish i could make a wish that didn't in any way pertain to animation.
Granted! You are now an inanimate object. An old, slightly broken chair that smells vaguely of cat, to be exact.
I wish I had Xathan's job...
Granted. First, Xathan has to die in a freak accident. That happens, then you're forced to take over his job, including all current deadlines, effective immediately. You also inherit several hundred thousand dollars in debt that he didn't even know he had.
I wish I were in ugly 13 year old boy so I could do all those cool things.
Granted, you can't do any cool things, but at least you're an ugly 13 year old boy
I wish I had a magic vending machine
Granted! However, a horde of ugly 13 year old boy act as gatekeepers, preventing you from ever using your magical vending machine.
I wish I were a Silt Strider Operator!
Granted. Your Silt Strider is lamed and can't walk ten meters without tripping and crashing.
I wish Indiana Jones was real.
Granted, he's classified as a criminal, captured by Interpol, prosecuted for thievery of historical artifacts and locked away in prison for the rest of his life (which in Holland means 30 years). When he's released he becomes a broken man, who devotes his remaining days to trying to find hope at the bottom of vodka bottles.
I wish Ghostman could save the Holy Grail from the Nazis!
Granted. He could. Unfortunately, he didn't.
I wish my wishes wouldn't get ninja'd.
Granted, You get Pirated.
I wish i could wish a wish, full of wishfull wishfullness.
Granted, however only a pleasant breeze wafts your way. For you see, no wish can be filled with such wishfulness without the consent of Princess Pony.
I wish Newb MSTie, Sparkletwist, Ghostman and I were adventurers in some fairy tale world.
Granted, the world is a true fairy tale world the likes of which would make even steerpike smile with approval. You all go crazy from having to deal with all the gore and horror.
I wish nothing bad would ever happen to me
Granted, wherever you go, every living thing within 1 mile of you spontaneously combusts in a violent torrent of black ichor, blood and flame. Every piece of earth you touch oozes poisonous green slime. Everything you set your eyes upon melts like wax in the sun. Your body will experience no hardship ever again - you will never die, you will never catch a cold, you will never hunger or thirst - you exist and that is enough because nothing bad will ever happen to you.
I wish for a happy ending that doesn't involve sad and/or painful endings for others.
Granted, I walk by and you burst into flame and die instantly after having had all your dreams come true.
I wish that I could beset people with bees.
Granted. Newest model of Insect Swarm plasmids from Fontaine Futuristics! Don't mind the rumors about the bees tending to swarm to big daddies...
I wish for pain and misery.
Quote from: Elemental_ElfGranted! However, faster install times come with infinitely longer load times while you play the game.
In retrospect, this is scary...
Quote from: Newb MSTieI wish for pain and misery.
Granted! You receive a misdirected delivery of 100s of Blu-ray discs containing xtreme BDSM. All the discs are scratched and unplayable.
I wish the most unlikely football team to win the 2014 World Cup!
Granted the game is won by a 7th grade girls powderpuff football team, in honor of this moment the NFL closes down and reopens as an all female under 16 football league where all players must wear tutus.
I wish I was fluent in all human languages
Granted. You can now understand any human language. Unfortunately, they have gotten so intermingled in your mind that code-switching between any and all of them is completely natural to you, and an average sentence spoken by you contains 7 distinct languages. As such, nobody can understand a word you say.
I wish I could play my xbox 360 games with a keyboard and mouse.
Granted you are so much better at the games that xbox live takes notice and bans you for cheating.
I wish I could have the most perfect sandwich for lunch to eat.
Granted. The sandwich is so perfect that you find yourself spellbound staring at it in admiration, unable to muster the willpower to actually eat it.
I wish I were a head's length taller than I am now.
Granted. Your body is stretched a good nine inches, separating the vertebrae of your spine and tearing your abdomen gorily apart. And yet, so that you can properly appreciate the granting of your wish, you are left conscious and comprehending.
I wish I was zombieproof.
Granted. You're locked in an impregnable metal box that no zombie could ever break into. Unfortunately you suffocate in there.
I wish I had a talking pink pony who would take me on a magical adventure that didn't result in anyone killed, maimed, or psychologically damaged.
Granted, but you get ill and become a zombie.
I wish i was not grounded and that this action did not result in any unhappy consequences for any
Granted! However, you are no longer "grounded" just restricted to "not leaving the house and not seeing your friends for a pre-determined amount of time" yet, for some unknown reason, you are EXTREMELY HAPPY ABOUT THIS!!!
I wish modelling spray paints weren't locked up like normal spray paints at hobby stores.
Granted, they aren't locked up, instead they are available behind the counter and require you to sign a 15 page waiver for each can you buy. Every waiver is different and must be read completely and signed on all dotted lines.
I wish I could host a CBG booth at a con one day.
Granted but the only con that's both geographically close to everyone and is cheap enough for you to run involves varmints, BBQ and stained undershirts...
I wish Pokemon were real!
Granted. The next time you're out walking you're attacked and killed by wild Pokemon.
I wish I could manage to write bug-free code.
Granted, your code is free of all bugs... both of the bright colored ladybird variety as well as the darker and larger weevil type bug. However it still has numerous errors in it.
I wish I could freeze and unfreeze time at will without side effects.
Granted, you now have the power to make the whole of time and space freezing cold!
I wish there was a third gender!
granted. the asexuals can reproduce on their own and soon overpower everyone else.
I wish pokemon were real, and i had a starter pokemon and some pokeballs.
Granted! A roving horde of Charizards comes by one day and burns down your entire village, killing your Starter Pokemon.
I wish Pokemon were real and I had a high level Pokemon to protect me from all the other high level Pokemon!
granted! arceus comes along..
I wish i had an army of legendary pokemon to defend me from arceus
Granted. Considering the extent to which they outnumber you, they gang up and seal you in a pokeball, releasing you periodically to have you dance for their amusement.
I wish the moon was a giant robot.
Granted. The moon is transformed into an excessively large version of the typical dumb industrial assembly line robot, power supply NOT included, and totally lacking any appreciable AI.
I wish for a copy of each yet-to-be written ASoIaF book.
Granted. You get a bunch of blank books. After all, the books have yet to be written.
I wish I could always know the correct answer to "If X and Y got into a fight, who would win?" for all people/organisms/etc. that have ever lived.
Granted, you now know that if X and Y got into a fight Z would backstab the victor and thus be the alphabet gladiatorial winner. You share this information with all organisms that have ever lived, but nobody seems to care.
I wish stupid people were banned from the internet
Granted, no one can use the internet ever again.
I wish I had magic beans!
Granted, they do nothing but they're definitely magical
I wish the person who grants this wish has to dance for my amusement for the rest of their lives.
Granted: I dance so hard that the dark gods bless me with demilichdom. I focus my newfound powers upon you. You do not find that very amusing.
I wish turtles ruled the universe.
Granted however the turtles were corrupted by the Felcabbage Lords of Oblivion whose only goal is to force children to eat steamed cabbage with guacamole sauce. Children every where now hate and despise you.
I wish someone could invent a ladder that's usable by Centaurs.
Granted, they use this new technology to conquer the world. You spend your last miserable days in a slave camp with other humans toiling for your new centaur lords.
I wish gnomes were real
Granted! They are made of wood and spend most of their time standing in gardens, expect for the occasional times they tour the entire world.
I wish our old friends who haven't posted on the site in years would come back.
Granted. They come back. As zombies!
I wish I could get chocolate creme eggs all year.
Granted, you get nothing else to eat for sustenance and go mad craving for a good piece of lettuce or a nice ripe pear.
I wish I could make 5-star quality meals effortlessly
Granted! The eggs are made of chocolate cream, which gets everywhere and spoils in about 10 minutes. If you ever try to eat them, you get violently ill.
I wish there was less bureaucracy.
[ooc] Oh man, Zombie Raelifin would be awesome. His enmity with elves extends even into undeath, wherein he craves only for the brains of skinny, haughty people with pointed ears.[/ooc]
Quote from: ELEMENTAL_ElfGranted! However, you are no longer "grounded" just restricted to "not leaving the house and not seeing your friends for a pre-determined amount of time" yet, for some unknown reason, you are EXTREMELY HAPPY ABOUT THIS!!!
(Thats fine. I just wnat the computer.)
Granted, but your country goes to be the only buraecracy left on earht.
I wish for much food
Granted, it all tastes horrible and is bad for your health
I wish I could make 5-star quality meals effortlessly
Granted, but all who eat the mdie from food poisoning
I wish for a portable hole
Granted! It is located in the bottom of your pants pocket. The hole goes with you everywhere you go, and whatever you put in is falls straight down your pant-leg to the ground!
I wish that there were less bureaucracy IN MY SCHOOL, IN MY STATE, and IN MY COUNTRY.
Granted, without the red tape tens of thousands of federal, state and local employees loose their jobs. Everyone knows it was your wish that ended their careers and every where you go, they sneer at you, spit in your direction and throw eggs at your house. The police say they can't help you since someone eliminated so many of their friend's careers. Your life is anguish and pain, enjoy.
I wish life were easier sometimes.
Granted. Life is 1% easier 1% of the time . . . and 99% harder the remaining 99% of the time.
I wish that the rule that you can't wish for more wishes would go away.
Granted, every time you are out in traffic you discover that red lights last a fraction of a second shorter and that every once in awhile someone will let you get in front of them in line at the supermarket. However most of the time life is much harder.
I wish I had a pet turtle (let's see you corrupt this one without angering the great world turtle)
Quote from: Seraphine_HarmoniumI wish that the rule that you can't wish for more wishes would go away.
Granted. It is replaced by a rule stating that a new wish is the ONLY thing you can wish for.
Quote from: NomadicI wish I had a pet turtle
Granted. The turtle is onto it's last living days and dies a natural death very shortly after becoming your pet.
:o Granting two wishes in one post was so much fun that I forgot to make my own wish. So:
I wish that the CBG was a much more popular site.
Granted. Stephanie Meyer mentions it in a Twilight book and the CBG is flooded with angsty fans, covering it in badly written settings about sparkely vampires until the traffic gets too high and the forum closes down...forever.
I wish I could manage my time better.
Quote from: Xathan WorldsmithGranted. Stephanie Meyer mentions it in a Twilight book and the CBG is flooded with angsty fans, covering it in badly written settings about sparkely vampires until the traffic gets too high and the forum closes down...forever.
Let it be known that if this ever happened I would shut the site down and secretly move us to a new domain and inform all of you via back channels. Also I'd send my secret army of killer turtles after said fans. :)
Granted, unfortunately you have no time to manage as you now work 16 hours a day in a sweatshop
I wish I could stop and start time at will with no negative consequences.
Granted. Everyone else gains the same ability and is much better at using it than you are, and most use it for nefarious ends - society collapses shortly thereafter.
I wish that I could telepathically put my thoughts into writing on any medium I wanted to write on.
Granted, all of your embarrassing secrets are revealed for the world to see 24/7
I wish I could access any website I desired at will with my brain.
Granted. However, it only responds to your subconscious desires, and your subconcious apparently is really into fetish porn involving cabbage. Any time you get near a computer, that's what pops up - and constantly pops up while you try to use it.
I wish I would stop refreshing the CBG for an hour and actually write instead of playing fun but silly "Ruin my wish" games.
Granted. You spend the next hour doing nothing but intense writing. When you finish you realize that everything you wrote is total gibberish.
I wish my dumbbell & pull-up excercises would start producing more noticeable results.
Granted. Your arms become so massive that the amount of muscles outweigh their own strength. You are forever rooted to the spot, weighed down by your freakishly big arms.
I wish the world would make sense.
Granted. But unfortunatly, this lasts only 3 millisecon ds
Iwish for cake
Granted! The Cake is of Lye.
I wish I were more motivated.
Granted. You feel significantly more motivated to take stupid and dangerous risks, especially when there is nothing to be gained by it.
I wish all airplanes would be made 100% crash-proof.
Granted, however all the new safety equipment bogs the plane down. Even the largest planes can only fit a handful of people on at a time. Air travel becomes the purview of the rich and famous, while everyone else is forced to use buses, boats and trains.
I wish I had a tower shield!
Granted! you're not proficient with it.
I wish everyone would stop making cheap portal references.
Granted, they now make cheap Portal 2 references.
I wish Trolls and Humans could just get along!
Granted, but the trolls eat the humans in their idea of getting along
I wish for humans to never have existed and all prehistoric animals we killed out to live
Granted. History is rewritten so that said animals evolve to be us, and eventually one of those us-animals makes the very same wish, so that all the humans they killed would come back while the us-animals never existed and eventually one of the humans... Oh you get the idea.
I wish this beef tasted like real beef.
Granted however only 1 in a million cows have that beefy beef flavor, a single ounce of this pure meat costs a million dollars.
I wish I had a shark that could breath fire and shoot lasers out of his eyes!
Granted. The shark's natural eyes have been replaced with 1mW laser pointer (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laser_pointer) implants, incidentally making the beast totally blind. And it can only use it's fire-breath ability when it's able to respirate, ie. underwater, where fire doesn't burn.
I wish for a new Star Trek TV series that is at least as good as ST:TNG was at it's best and that runs for at least 5 seasons.
Granted. Unfortunately, it's filmed in Ancient Hebrew. There is no dubbing.
I wish that one thing would go my way.
Granted, but each episode is 5 mseconds long and each season is 1 episode
I wish for kittehs
Granted but they are ferociously cute and you spend your whole life cuddling with them.
I wish it was 6 O'clock already!
granted, but it isn't six o clock ever again
i wish for a good night sleep
Granted however you never wake up.
I wish I could go fishing in a fantasy world
Granted! You wind up fishing on Athas's last sea, and you can't go back home afterwards. Good luck with the halflings....
I wish i could not wish this wish, wishfully .
Granted. A Terminator is sent back in time to terminate you before you make your wish.
I wish I could detect lies at will.
Granted. You can now detect all lies aimed at some guy named Will. The problem is that this Will lives hundreds of miles away, and you don't actually know him. You just know when someone is lying to him.
I wish that I could start and stop time whenever I wanted, and be able to work while time is stopped.
Granted! You become a workaholic, and become obsessed with work. You manage to do all the work you can do, and after you start time back up, you drop dead from heart failure.
I wish I wasn't so unhealthly obsessed with cartoons...
Granted, you are now obsessed with Day Time Soap Operas!
I wish Soap Operas were more action-y.
Granted! in a bizzare cosmic trade-off, soaps become more actiony but in return all of our most beloved action films turn sappy. You can only look in despair as darth vader sits through therapy sessions and cries about his lives tragedies on a couch.
I wish that this wish would self destruct and kill me.
Granted however, in a cruel twist of fate, the wish does not kill you, merely sheering what you once cherished skin straight off. The doctors were unable to reattach your skin, and so they sealed your husk of a body in a plastic, human shaped coffin. One of the interns, who didn't like you you from the start, spray paints your coffin black, and tapes piece of paper to your chest that reads "Here lies Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Vegetables. He breaths with a respirator and wears adult diapers. Fear him not for he is weak with the force and demands only that you feed him apple sauce three times daily."
I wish I had the "Like a Good Neighbor, State Farm is there... With a...." Power.
Granted. That's 1,000,000 in premiums, and you can't use that power to get the money you need for your premiums. Yes, it's due monthly. If you can't pay, they take organs from loved onces until they're finally onto your organs. Cancelling prior to your year being up incurs a .50 caliber early termination fee.
I wish my phone got service in my basement.
Granted, the telephone company installs a Payphone in your basement. Sadly, due to the high use of Cell Phones, the telephone company was forced to increase the cost per call from 50 cents to 50 dollars (not including fees, where applicable). The company also, ingeniously, cut all other phone lines to your house and installed a "cell phone signal blocker" next door.
I wish Xathan was as tall as a mountain.
Granted. Xathan is teleported into your home and transformed into a full-sized mountain.
I wish to be rid of this terribly annoying hiccup that's tormenting me ATM.
Granted. Your automatic teller machine is feeling much better. You however continue to suffer.
QuoteYou can only look in despair as darth vader sits through therapy sessions and cries about his lives tragedies
I think this happened, it's called Episodes 2 and 3.
I wish the entire Star Wars canon consisted solely of the original three movies and nothing else.
Granted! because of all the action figures, and all that other memorabilia lost, Star Wars fails to be as profitable and widespread as it once was, and is now merely a cult classic.
I wish millions of more people bought and played psychonauts.
Granted. The creator dies from a heart attack brought on by excitement and a proper sequel still never happens. At the same time, all game sites on the internet are flooded by people complaining about the game.
I wish I had slept some today.
Quote from: Newb MSTieGranted! because of all the action figures, and all that other memorabilia lost, Star Wars fails to be as profitable and widespread as it once was, and is now merely a cult classic.
You say that like it's a bad thing . . .
Quote from: Ninja D!I wish I had slept some today.
Granted! Spacetime is rewritten such that you fell asleep for a fraction of a second, before being jerked awake by a sudden noise.
I wish my phone and keys were not lost...
Granted. Your phone knows exactly where your keys are.
I wish I had a multiversal remote.
Granted. It runs on unleaded phlebotinum batteries, which are NOT included, and which will not be available for purchase in your lifetime/homeplanet/universe.
I wish I had a pack of obedient and competent solar-powered robotic servants that automatically repair themselves as needed and will never rebel against me.
Granted! Unfortunately the rest of mankind's robotic servants are not so loyal. In the Machine Wars, makind blocks out the sun, and your solar-powered robotic servants are now useless.
I wish I were holding my phone and keys right now.
Granted however they have been struck by an Enlargement Ray Gun, they are now as tall as the tallest sky scrapers.
I wish humans had elephant trunks!
Granted, everybody on earth gets their very own pair of shorts with elephant art on them. Most people are happy for the free clothes, though US democrats seem a bit miffed for some reason.
I wish I could create interlinked portals like the portal gun does.
Granted! Unfortunately it's boring because in exchange for the gun you had to give up all desserts on earth and cubes on earth.
I wish for fudge!
Granted. Now you have to change your pants.
I wish glue came in many flavours!
Granted, it now comes in many flavors such as deadly nightshade, hemlock, cyanide, and rattlesnake venom. 100% all natural flavors.
I wish the moon was made of feta cheese
Granted! Oh look! An alien race of mega malevolant meta mice, with no way to stop them have arrived in our solar system!
I wish for the existence of more bands like Diablo Swing Orchestra!
Granted, a new genre of music is ushered forth! However, due to the genre's massive uptake in popularity record companies fund really bad/generic bands who, more or less, sing the same songs with slightly different beats over and over and over again. Within a year, the entire genre dies off due to bloat.
I wish everyone of the top 52 CBG posters were transformed into playing cards!
Quote from: Admiral E. ElfGranted, a new genre of music is ushered forth! However, due to the genre's massive uptake in popularity record companies fund really bad/generic bands who, more or less, sing the same songs with slightly different beats over and over and over again. Within a year, the entire genre dies off due to bloat.
I wish everyone of the top 52 CBG posters were transformed into playing cards!
Granted, Vreeg is the king of spades. Things can only go downhill from this point.
I wish I had total awareness of my surroundings
Granted. You now have total awareness of the environment currently surrounding you, but absolutely no awareness of anything in it. You trip over something that you can't see, and stumble into the next room over. Since you are no longer in the same environment, you have no awareness of where you now are, much less how to get back to the surroundings you did have awareness of.
I wish this currently empty bottle of fountain pen ink was reasonably filled with plain, ordinary fountain pen ink.
Granted. The bottle is filled, but also receives a thin crack on the side. The ink is slowly leaking out.
I wish for a high-budget feature length film to be produced that is based on H.P. Lovecraft's works, a film that is actually a good and faithful adaptation in addition to being a hit at the box office.
Granted, unfortunately it ushers dark horrors into our world and the entire human race is left a mad mix of babbling shells.
I wish I had a giant pet flying turtle who would let me ride him anywhere I wanted to go.
Granted! You have the sudden urge to fly to the sun.
I wish there were only the first three pokemon generations.
Granted. All pokemon products released since the start of 4th gen break and fall apart, and everyone knows that it was your wish that caused it. You are soon rounded up by a mob of angry pokemon fans.
I wish for a new PC with state-of-the-art graphics card, processor, etc. and a 5-year guarantee, delivered to my doorstep free of charge.
Granted! The computer is an all-in-one design, however, the computer's built-in Monitor is a mere 2 inches in diameter.
I wish Deodorant was given out at conventions.
Granted, it's wet dog scented.
I wish summer was already here.
Granted! the sudden shift in climate change sets off a chain reaction of ecological disasters.
I wish that this wish wouldn't have a negative reaction on me.
Granted, the wish thinks you're a quite fine chap. It's the rest of the world that hates you.
I wish I had some fresh apple pie.
[note][ooc]
Quote from: NomadicGranted, it's wet dog scented.
Is it sad that that would be a marked improvement over the rancid BO we currently enjoy? [/ooc]
[/note]
Granted, however, they were fresh apples with built in Razorblades!
I wish Atlantis were real!
Quote[ooc]Quote from: NomadicGranted, it's wet dog scented.
Is it sad that that would be a marked improvement over the rancid BO we currently enjoy? [/ooc]
[ooc]
Yes it is quite sad. Although i thought it was a Monsters Inc. quote....
[/ooc]
Granted! They have such advanced technology that they soon conquer the world, and then flood it.
I wish for a video camera.
Granted! You get a gigantic bulky video camera from 1981. Also, it's just a a camera; in order to record anything it must be hooked up to a separate betamax VCR.
I wish my favorite Chinese buffet hadn't gone out of business.
Granted, however the food is now made with soylent green.
I wish my class started at 10 rather than 8 AM
Granted, it now starts at 10pm and goes until 8am.
I wish I had the time so that I never had to eat out at a fast food restaurant again and could spend the time to cook and prepare all my meals.
Granted. It starts at 10 PM and ends at 8 AM.
I wish I won't fail my driver's test.
Granted, you don't fail it as the instructor doesn't survive the crash long enough to give you a failing grade.
I wish I had the time so that I never had to eat out at a fast food restaurant again and could spend the time to cook and prepare all my meals.
Granted but you are now destitute and can only afford the cheapest mass produced meats, who can be cooked over the nearest garbage can fire. :(
I wish the world was 1 inch larger in all directions.
Granted. You are shrunk by an inch in all directions, which effectively enlarges the surrounding world by the same measure as it expands to fill the leftover space formerly occupied by you.
I wish mankind were immunized to tooth decay.
Quote from: Ghostman
Granted. You are shrunk by an inch in all directions, which effectively enlarges the surrounding world by the same measure as it expands to fill the leftover space formerly occupied by you.
I wish mankind were immunized to tooth decay.
Wow, no one can think of a good critical fail to this one.. Um... Granted. Many dentists now don't have jobs, and the field of dentistry is now dominated by orthodontists... And braces aren't fun?.......
I wish for a mean roast beef sandwich.
Quote from: Newb Colossus Slayer
Quote from: Ghostman
Granted. You are shrunk by an inch in all directions, which effectively enlarges the surrounding world by the same measure as it expands to fill the leftover space formerly occupied by you.
I wish mankind were immunized to tooth decay.
Wow, no one can think of a good critical fail to this one.. Um... Granted. Many dentists now don't have jobs, and the field of dentistry is now dominated by orthodontists... And braces aren't fun?.......
I wish for a mean roast beef sandwich.
Granted. The roast beef sandwich beats the crap out of you, spits on you, insults you, and takes a dump in your bed on the way out.
I wish to be in more than one place at once.
Quote from: beejazz
I wish to be in more than one place at once.
Granted, you are cut up into 7 pieces by a crazed murderer and the pieces are scattered across the land.
I wish I was done with college.
Granted, you are now a graduate of Clown College!
I wish tortoises were the fastest animal on earth!
granted! They move so fast that no one can see them and all there testudine splendor!
I wish i was more familiar with steampunk!
Quote from: Newb Colossus Slayer
granted! They move so fast that no one can see them and all there testudine splendor!
I wish i was more familiar with steampunk!
Granted, you are now a brass cog.
I wish I had a trained monkey who would do tricks for my own amusement.
Quote from: Nomadic
I wish I had a trained monkey who would do tricks for my own amusement.
Granted. The only trick the monkey knows is disappearing - permanently.
I wish the March 11th Tsunami in Japan never happened.
Quote from: Ghostman
Quote from: Nomadic
I wish I had a trained monkey who would do tricks for my own amusement.
Granted. The only trick the monkey knows is disappearing - permanently.
I wish the March 11th Tsunami in Japan never happened.
Granted, there was no tsunami in japan on march 11th. However there will be a tsunami on november 21st... in your bedroom... while you sleep...
I wish that the next poster would have an excellent day.
I will have a very good day indeed. Muahahaha!!!!
I wish for world domination.
Granted! The world is such a screwed up, miserable place, isn't it?Good luck!
I wish that Batman TAS would be rerun on cartoon network.
Granted. From this day on, Cartoon Network will be airing nothing but endless Batman TAS re-runs round the clock... with all episodes dubbed to Russian by a single, unprofessional, drunken voice actor.
I wish I had an X-ray vision as a superpower I could switch on and off whenever I want to.
Granted. Now you have nothing but X-Ray vision. If you switch it off, you're blind.
I wish I had a time machine, so I could visit any historical period (or future) whenever I want.
Granted! But you bend a blade of grass on your first visit to the past. When you return to the present, you find the world is the the grips of an apocalypse caused by nuclear Armageddon. Upon exiting your time machine, radio-active mutant lizard-men attack! Thankfully, you manage to evade them by fleeing into the ruins of your home town. The Lizard-Men give up the chase and turn their frustration onto your time machine, utterly destroying it thereby stranding you in the post-apocalyptic hell you created by toying with time.
I wish I were as cool as the character Rick O'Connell from the Mummy.
Granted! But then you had to make 'Furry Vengeance'.
I wish my dog could go to my fridge, fetch me a beer, and bring it to me.
Granted. Your dog eats most of the food in the fridge, grabs a can of beer, drinks from it, then delivers the half-empty can to you.
I wish that real life would conform to the Rule of Cool!
Granted. You are immediately killed as a plane laden with nuclear bombs that will give everyone super powers lands on your head - awesome for everyone else, but sucks for you. Also, your family and everyone you love is killed in the subsequent alien invasion, but that's unrelated.
I wish the space race would restart.
Granted, but the cold war restarts with it - and this time it goes warm.
I wish I met Steven Moffat so he can instantly admire my writing talent and make me a Doctor Who writer. :D
Granted. Unfortunately, Russel T Davies pans your writing in an interview and David Tennent calls it total tripe. The fanbase is outraged, and you are banned from ever writing another show for the BBC...who was about to produce a new show based entirely on your original ideas. Unfortunately, they own the rights to pretty much every original idea you have had, and the following depression and alcoholism prevents you from coming up with anything new. Your wife and children leave you, and you die in a gutter in England muttering about Daleks.
I wish that I could get my thoughts on Terra Macabre organized.
Granted but in your haste to organize your ideas on the computer, you forgot to hit the save key. Your home suffers a blackout and all information is lost upon reboot.
I wish it were october 1st again.
Granted! That much closer to halloween, that much farther from awesome christmas music.
I wish that Hasbro would bite the bullet, and release all the seasons that are and will be made of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic on bluray/dvd complete with special features, and all the episodes have atleast four minutes of commentary from Lauren Faust and other development personal, and atleast one with all mane 6 voice actresses doing commentary.... for my little sister of course....
Granted but they only sell copies at conventions in places on the other side of the world from you.
I wish Santa Claus' good luck this year.
Quote from: Elemental_Elf
Granted but they only sell copies at conventions in places on the other side of the world from you.
I wish Santa Claus' good luck this year.
You think that's gonna stop me-My little sister?
Granted! Unfortunately he was on stage when he recieved the wish.
I wish for peace on earth and good will towards man.
Granted! largely because we are all now part of the Borg collective, so good job there.
I wish I could just get As on all my finals without having to go.
Granted - a genie went to all your finals for you, but as soon as people realised it wasn't you, you get booted.
I wish people answered my threads when I finish with a question.
Granted. The answers you get are plentiful but consist of nothing but trolling.
I wish every cloud actually had a silver lining.
Granted except now clouds are too heavy to stay afloat, what with the silver lining weighing them down. Thousands die unexpectedly, crushed under the weight of the falling silver.
I wish Norse Mythology was factual!
Granted. It's now Ragnarok. Have fun with that.
I wish I could teleport.
Granted. However when you teleport you can only take yourself, leaving behind all your belongings (including your clothes).
I wish I had a portal gun.
Granted. You suddenly fall unconscious and wake up in the relaxation vault of the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. An Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device has been placed on the table next to your IV stand.
I wish I'd never have to wash the dishes again.
Granted. Eat from the floor forever, and never mind the dirt!
I wish Community was still on the air instead of being on hiatus.
Granted! Unfortunately, Charlie Sheen is a new co-star.
I wish I could touch the sky. I think about it every night and day, just spread my wings and fly away.
Granted! No really, left up your hand! You're touching the troposphere!
I wish i had a sandwich.
Granted! Gefilte fish seasoned with Lutefisk potato chip crumbles and a special toadstool aioli on some stale baguette lays on the table before you, no plate included.
I wish I got paid more money for the job I do.
Granted! You get a .0002 cents an hour raise.
I wish a car that ran on air.
Granted. Said car travels at about 5 miles/hour at top speed.
I wish that a benevolent alien invasion would bloodlessly solve all political disputes, end world hunger, solve the energy crisis, reverse climate change, and get us all free jetpacks.
Granted! They benevolently kill every human being on the planet in the process and save money on jetpacks!
I wish there was a way to solve my anger issues without resorting to violence.
Granted, seeing the destruction humans have caused to the planet they drain everyone's blood out of their bodies leaving the bodies as compost for the plants of Earth. With no living humans all political disputes, world hunger, energy crises issues, and climate change problems vanish overnight. Browsing through our online archives they see that we think jetpacks are pretty awesome and, feeling bad for what they had to do, leaves a jetpack with each human body as a token of remembrance.
Edit: oops sorry sabr hehe darn posting at the same time... Granted, you are given a lobotomy and are now incapable of feeling anger.
I wish that I could reach into my pocket and pull out the exact amount of money required for anything I purchased without affecting the economy.
Granted! Some gangsters find out about your ability and kidnap your family, forcing you to buy expensive "gifts" for the kingpin.
I wish I had learned to swim when I was a kid.
Granted! You were eaten by a shark 3 days later, and haven't existed since then: the resulting paradox destroys reality as we know it.
I wish I could stop stressing about classes seeing as I'm done for the semester.
Granted! Unfortunately your lack of stress isn't limited to classes. You no longer "stress" about bathing, moving, eating, drinking... breathing.
I wish China Mieville would write another Bas-Lag novel.
Granted. He would. Unfortunately, as much as he wants to, he's developed a writer's block so extreme that it doesn't look like he's going to be writing anything at all... ever again.
I wish I didn't get ill. Ever.
Granted. You are always ill and will never get better, on the plus side because you are always ill you can never "get" ill.
I wish that I could teleport at will and always knew what the area I was teleporting to was like so that I couldn't be harmed by teleporting into a solid wall or some other dangerous situation.
Granted. You can only teleport to one location (other than the last location you existed at); a coffin you presume to be buried deep under ground, but where exactly it is... you're not really sure.
I wish there was actually a better mouse trap.
Granted. You invent a devilishly effective mouse trap, so effective that even fictional mice are killed by it, Mickey Mouse among them. Millions of little kids are shocked by the news, and Disney corporation sues the hell out of you with an army of top lawyers.
I wish for mud wrestling to be added to the Olympic sport events.
Granted, but "Mud Wrestling" becomes an Olympic event, but the rules state that all competitors must be hairy, male sumo-wrestlers.
I wish I had the power to instantly convince people to do whatever I want.
Granted, however it only lasts for an instant at a time after which they go back to doing whatever they want.
I wish I had an awesome horse
Granted, however you must know it will be only a few brief moments before the awesomeness incinerates you and the entire universe
I wish I were a wizard in the year 7 B.C.E.
Granted! However, magic is Vancian in nature. You are a level 1 Wizard and used up all your spells for the day. The townsfolk burn you at the steak for, well, being a Wizard.
I wish I were Captain James T. Kirk's tailor!
Granted! You are Kirk's tailor for the first Star Trek movie. You are flogged to death by a raging mob for your horrible bad taste.
I wish people would write songs about my awesomeness.
Granted! All the songs are satirical.
I wish Peter Jackson would direct the Silmarillion into awesome movies faithful to the source material.
Granted! Peter Jackson films a total of 7 awesome movies. The studio decides to stagger their release, giving the world one awesome movie a year. However, the first movie, though awesome, is a gigantic flop as only super nerds would enjoy a movie about world building. Paramount Studios decides to cancel the other films and burns all evidence the films were ever created. You live your whole life wondering how awesome movies 2-7 would have been.
I wish I were a super bad arse Space Marine.
Granted you are now a super bad, arse space marine. The other arse marines make fun of how bad you are.
I wish I had a functional spaceship capable of taking me to other stars and galaxies in time periods of minutes-days as opposed to numerous lifetimes.
Granted! We have found a way to break the light speed barrier! Unfortunately we could only to take you there particle by particle. We may or may not have perfected putting you back together right... Sorry about that...
I wish for blackjack chewing gum.
Granted! However it is NEW Black Jack Gum - which like New Coke - is terrible.
I wish I had a magical panther buddy who protected me from the evil monsters who dwell beneath my bed.
Granted! The panther protects you, but only from those monsters that specifically dwell beneath your bed. The monsters quickly figure this out and move into the dresser, whence they are free to menace you again.
I wish I'd be a super genius.
Granted! Now everyones annoying you with inane questions, and you soon isolate yourself from everyone because they seem so unbelievably stupid.
I wish I could draw realistically as apposed to caricature.
Quote from: Higgs Boson
I wish I could shoot lightning out ofmy fingertips.
Granted. Unfortunately, you cannot control this and accidentally kill your dearest loved one while reaching for the salt shaker during a meal together.
I wish I had a gaming group.
Granted! Unfortunately the only game they can play is tiddly winks...
I wish that the earth was pear shaped.
Granted! Earth's newly irregular gravitational field disruptes the orbit of, well, everything in orbit. Satelites fall like rain and the Moon is ejected. Panic grips mankind and sends the world into chaos.
I wish the world wasn't pear shaped anymore!
Granted! It's banana shaped (no Holy Grail references intended)
I wish for a ripe banana!
Granted, the Earth crashes in your back yard and instantly flattens everything for 3000 miles.
I wish I was the ruler of my own private island nation utopia.
Granted! You live alone on a desert island. Silly Nomadic, you know people can't live together in any sort of utopia!
I wish NASA got more funding.
Granted! Unfortunately all the funding went to two projects: Training of future goldfish astronauts, and Project Certain Doom for the Whole Dang Planet.
I wish that I could make a decent unmicrowaved hotdog.
Granted! Your raw hotdog tastes great but gives you Trichinosis (http://"http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001655/"). The trichinella spiralis infest yoru brain, causing encephalitis. Enjoy your seizures and potential death!
I wish flatworms and round worms didn't exist!
Granted! There are now only spiky worms, and venomous worms!
I wish for toast!
Granted. It's really dry, unbuttered toast. You choke on it.
I wish I could stop playing this game.
Granted! You have full ability to stop playing the game, but with the knowledge that a bomb will blow up a bus full of innocent people if you do. You want to stop playing? I hope you can live yourself after....
I wish for the secret to making incorruptible wishes.
Yes. Yes I can live with that. >:)
Granted! You learn the secret to making incorruptible wishes, but it is so strange and alien that it unhinges your mind, reducing you to a gibering mass of human flesh and organs. Even an attempt to recall the horrid secret reduces you to tears.
I wish a bomb would blow up a bus full of innocent people so I could stop playing this game!!!
Granted, unfortunately it isn't the bomb you were hoping for and the ensuing blast kills the one person who could have defused your bomb.
I wish my allergies were gone.
Granted! You die!
I wish I had a kiwi bird.
Granted! It's a species of bird that eats nothing but Kiwi!
I wish for an utterly terrible thing to happen to me.
Granted! This is your kiwi bird. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdUUx5FdySs) :(
I wish I had a tricorder like those in Star Trek, and the knowledge how to use it.
Granted! You have a *broken* tricorder, and the knowledge of how to use it.
I wish I could teleport at will without risk of quantum disaster, such as my atoms getting rearranged, etc.
Granted. Instead you suffer a classical physics disaster; your momentum is preserved, so when you quickly change latitudes, you go flying into a brick wall and die.
I wish I didn't have to make a wish here.
Granted, because humabout killed me there is nobody around to pay site charges or maintain the server, the website shuts down. You are no longer able to make a wish here. On a totally unrelated note humabout is viciously mauled by a herd of furious turtles.
I wish I had a furious turtle guardian
Granted! It's very big, and very furious.... at you!
I wish that the ending to that sad kiwi movie was a happy ending...
Granted! Your mental state is warped such that suicide makes you very happy. After watching , you commit suicide yourself, "for the lulz."
I wish I had the ability to teleport WITHOUT ANY ADVERSE EFFECTS AT ALL
EDIT: spelling
Granted! Your first teleport goes off without a single hitch! Unfortunately, your destination happens to be ten feet in front of the rapidly-approaching hood ornament of an out-of-control Lincoln Town Car. On the up side, your subsequent maiming gets you a mention on a CNN special about whether or not seniors should be required to take driving tests.
I wish I didn't have to interact or see another snowbird again.
Granted! You now have to ineract and see angry swans...
I wish for cinammon roasted cashews.
Granted! You get a tablespoon of cinammon and a bowl of roasted cashews.
I wish I wasn't bored.
Granted! You find yourself quite engaged in the fact that your house is on fire...
I wish Bioshock Infinite would come out already, and that all of the bugs in the game would be ironed out.
Granted! The game comes out and is unplayable. The bugs are then ironed out, very slowly and gradually, over the course of the next ten years.
[spoiler=You got off easy]This is actually significantly better than what happens with most actual games. They get a buggy release, maybe a patch or two, but support ends long before all the bugs are actually fixed.[/spoiler]
I wish I had some more Pepsi to drink. (But not a life threatening amount, so don't try that)
Granted! You get a lot of Pepsi to drink! And it just barely squeezes below the Lethal Amount. Still you should probably see a doctor.
I wish I had a dream to pursue.
Granted. You are captured and enslaved by an alien race and get to help them in pursuing their dream of subjugating and conquering the galaxy.
I wish my dog could talk.
Granted! It hates your guts, and insults you all day and night, and makes you feel really bad about yourself.
I wish I had a girl worth dying for...
Granted. You meet a wonderful girl who happens to be a zombie. The only way her zombie parents will consent to you two being together is if you die and become a zombie as well.
I wish I had a faster computer.
Granted! Your computer sprouts legs and now races around the world at the speed of light. Good luck chasing it down.
I wish I was King of the Pirates!
Granted. You are now the king of a ragtag mob of angry Somalians. By the way, none of them speak English.
I wish I could read Japanese better.
Granted! But it comes at the cost of your ability to read any other language, and you find yourself in a room full of toxic gases and can't read any of the warning labels (P.S. None of them are in japanese).
I wish for a star to wish upon because all of these wishes backfiring are getting ridiculous
Granted! It comes crashing down through the heavens into the earth so you can have a face-to-face in-depth discussion about the precise parameters of your wish.
I wish I could get some damn sleep for once.
Granted! it's an eternal sleep.
I wish for chocolate pudding pie.
Granted. It meets you at terminal velocity.
I wish I draw my monsters as opposed to trying to describe them.
Granted. You draw them instead of describe them. Unfortunately this means you are now incapable of describing your monsters except in a pictographic language that only you can read. Nobody has any clue what you're talking about and you are eventually dismissed as being completely insane.
I wish I had some chicken tacos.
Granted! Science has successfully fused the genetic material of a chicken with the deadly taco! Unfortunately science has yet to be able to splice out the "deadly" part yet.
I wish I had a genetically unmodified taco.
Granted! You now have a normal taco. It's being held in reserve by a street side food cart in Mexico City, so you're gonna have to go get it.
I wish I knew what to wish for.
Granted! You know now that the wish had a condition. Wish for something tangible, or have the most valued tangible thing in your life turn to ash.
I wish for true love and/or a red creme soda
Granted! A red creme soda appears and you fall truly in love with it at first sight. Alas, it's an unrequited love as the soda stubbornly rejects all your advances.
I wish that the healthiest foods were also the best tasting.
Congratulations! All of the healthiest foods in the world are industrialized to the point of stagnation, and now the healthiest plants are dying off due to disease. All that's left are the worst foods for you which now taste like garbage.
I wish for a submarine sandwich
Congratulations! You have been crushed between two SCB-303: Los Angeles class attack submarines!
I wish I had six-pack abs.
Quote from: O Senhor Leetz
Congratulations! You have been crushed between two SCB-303: Los Angeles class attack submarines!
I wish I had six-pack abs.
Granted! your abs magically turn into a six-pack of your favorite soda, but now you have no abdomen whatsoever.
I wish for something simple.