[ooc] Alright, this is something of an experiment. This is a setting in its own right, but to practice my writing skills, and "hone my craft" I'm going to post all the information in first person form and stuff. So comments on the prose is as welcome as comments on the content.[/ooc]
[ic=Aetherial Ships]
A hundred different nations and empires want to travel between the world-bubbles, my boy, and each has its own ideas on how to go about it. Oh sure, the Greens would have you nail some metal planks onto some poor tree-folk and call it a Dreadnought, but they're always crude, those Greens. The Black Bloods have their morbid Husk Ships and the Blue Bloods have their fancy carved Ice Frigates, cut to to resemble clams and gems. But the real ship for any Red Blooded manjack is a Imperial Tin Cruiser. Forged from pure black iron, sealed water-tight then covered with glorious tin. A good Cruiser can handle the roughest currents and is a match for any beastie that dares make its presence known.
-Bartimaeus Took, Royal shipwright of the Tin Crown
[/ic]
[ic=Aetherial Liquid]
'Ah, now that's the meat of the question' mumbled the young man, a slight purple haze haloed his head gently rising from an opiate pipe.
'The Aetherial Liquid, as my'¦ former colleagues have named it, is simply the lifeblood of the universe' he continued. 'The liquid humors of the universe fill the space between those bubbles that encircle planets.'
With a sigh, the young man called Lorius rose from his seat. Walking to a nearby sigil-encrusted amber pane, he gazed out into the depths of the Aetherial Liquid. 'The Liquid is quite volatile; it reacts strangely to the gases that the various Bloodlines breathe. Who knows what would happen to our good ship if this amber pane shattered?' he mused.
Finally with a sigh Lorius toppled over onto the smooth wooden floor.
-A passage from Ramblings by Lorius Mercurial, exiled docteur of Metaphysical Humors[/ic]
[ic=World Bubble]
'Why do you think the world has a sky?' crowed the professor. He glared out across the auditorium as nothing but silence rose from the massed ranks of students
'Because it's inside a bubble obviously' he continued. 'For what other natural object holds gas inside them, while immersed in the liquid medium?' Once again only silence rose from the students.
-snippet from a lecture on Contents of the Metaphysical Humors[/ic]
[ic=The Prismatic Bloodletting]
The Prismatic One created the universe, then filled it with the liquid humors, the world-bubbles, the burning humors and the varied beasts that lived within it. Then a dark splinter caught his eye. It was nothing he had created. He reached for it and pricked his finger. Before the Prismatic One could do more than roar in pain seven droplets of blood fell from his wounded finger and alighted onto the surface of the worlds. As they landed they dulled to monochromatic shades and thus were the seven Bloodlines born.
-Prismatic Codex, Genesis 1:19[/ic]
[ic=White Bloods: i]
'The most dangerous foe we can face is at hand!' Speaking loudly to be heard over the gathered throngs of officers, the Admiral continued his diatribe. 'The cursed winged Wyrms and the vicious finned Leviathans are the most perverse of the Bloodines. They bleed ichor the color of snow, but do not be fooled. There is no purity in these foul beasts. For they can traverse the Liquid Humors of the universe without protection! Only the foulest of beings could gain the protection of the Dark Splinter.'
-Admiral Severity Took, before the Snowblood Massacre[/ic]
[ic=White Bloods: ii]
The White Bloodline is quite unique in itself. Each of the larger members hosts an entire population of lesser servile brethren. The massive winged Wyrms and finned Leviathans who travel the Liquid Void are home to the smaller wyrmfolk who cling to their hides removing debris and parasites. The vicious wyvern packs who follow in their wakes looking for morsels to feed on.
-Zephon D'Or, docteur of Aetherial Zoology[/ic]
[ic=Husk Ships]
The Children of the Dark Splinter traverse between the world-bubbles in the most morbid of vessels. A Husk Ship is the corpse of one of the most prismatic of beings, the great Aether Whale. Once slain the hide is stripped and tanned, then replaced once again over the bones. The flesh of the creature is then replaced with vile mechanical workings to give it a perverse semblance of life. The vile Fiends then pack inside the horror, the Husk Ship is not even sealed against the Liquid Void, for the Children have no need to breathe life giving gases. In the vastness of the Liquid Humors a Husk Ship will try and swallow smaller ships, able then to take them apart at leisur.
-Tantalus Cornelius Veterra, Elf-Bishop to the Prismatic One[/ic]
[ic=Nature of Magic]
'The Mystical Humor, the prismatic blood itself.' the docteur said 'The pure blood of the Prismatic One himself, that's what lets them wield the powers they do'
'But surely that is impossible' I replied. 'When droplets of blood hit the earth they became monochromatic. Everyone knows that'
'Ah, but what would happen if you drank the blood directly? Quite simply you would become a mage, exactly like they did. Able to exert your will on the universe and what not' the docteur mused.
'And how exactly does one go about that?' I knew I had the docteur then, no one would claim they knew how to drain the blood from the Prismatic One.
'If I knew my dear boy, I wouldn't be living in this damn Blue Blood hovel, now would I? No I would be one of the greats like the Animator or the Arbiter. Maybe even the Annihilator'
-Conversation with with the honorable Warren Primrose, docteur of Mystical Humor[/ic]
[ic=Green Bloods]
'Its the damn sulphur in their blood' the sergeant had told me, he was covering his face while he said it. It stank, we had just finished a boarding action against one of the Arboreal Dreadnoughts.
The fighting had been fierce. Ettercaps gibbering like mad things and crawling up the walls. Trolls bellowing like wounded animals as my fellow soldiers took them down with boar spears. And the orcs, so similar to you or me that you could think they were Red Blooded except for the skin, and the tusks, and the smell. It was everywhere, the stink of brimstone and rotten eggs.
-Letter home from a Tin Crown conscript[/ic]
[ic=Black Bloods]
And the fourth droplet fell upon the earth. This droplet was tainted by the Dark Splinter that wounded the Prismatic One. From this rose the Black Bloodline. Foul and twisted creatures walked the land. Spiky and vermiform with glowing eyes. Gibbering chitinous eight legged fiends. Leathery wings and dark desires. The cursed bloodline, children of the Dark Splinter.
-Prismatic Codex, Genesis 4:1[/ic]
[ic=Silver Bloods: i]
'Why hello there' called out the stranger as he walked out of the night. As he stepped into the light of my campfire I noticed he was hooded in a gray robe that covered his entire body.
'Would you care for some rabbit stew?' I inquired, ladling a generous portion into my own bowl. 'It's quite good, managed to find some wild onions'
'No thankyou, but I find myself mildly surprised that you would welcome a stranger to your fire' he said as he sat down on a stump opposite me.
'Well, I've got no truck with goings on like that. There's nothing wrong with Greens, Blues, Golds or what have you. It's not like your some mangy quicksilver beastman walking up to my campfire. Everyone knows they're afraid of fire, nothing more then funny shaped beasts'
'Haha, funny you should mention that' the stranger said as he removed his hood, which left me staring into the face of a wolf.
'Haha'¦ Err you don't say'
-Final words of Severus Silvara, traveling tinker[/ic]
[ic=Silver Bloods: ii]
'They never see us, they just see the fur and fangs' lectured the beastman. I didn't know who he was talking to, it certainly wasn't me. I was just guarding his cell. 'We look like beasts to them. Something wild, something primal. Not like the angels, who at least have the decency to look like proper people. Almost. We have no beauty, so they don't think we can have grace. Without grace were just stupid beasts. Fools, the sterling people have made most of the advances in the last hundred years. Ha! All they see is savages, the poor red blooded fools,' it continued its rant. I was tired of hearing him talk.
'Didn't stop you from tearing that poor mans arms off did it now?' I enquired. All that earned me was a snarl from the beastman who kept ranting and pacing.
-Last night of Jharmain Quicksilver, beastman philosopher. As witnessed my Alaster Boffin, Jail Guard.[/ic]
[ic=Gold Bloods: i]
The Gold Bloodline is home to the most majestic of all the races. My brethren of the gilded wings, Angels. Similar to some red blooded races in appearance, the Angels all have majestic golden wings. It is said some trace of the prismatic blood is leftover in the metallic Bloodlines, Gold and Silver. For the Gold Bloodline this holds true in their ability to fly in any environment.
-Zephon D'Or, docteur of Aetherial Zoology[/ic]
[ic=Gold Bloods: ii]
Angels are worse then magpies, if they see something shiny they'll take it consequence be damned. Sure they might look fancy with their golden wings, golden armor and golden swords but what kind of race will pick up a diamond bomb because it sparkles?
-Royal Tin Marine, after the sacking of Arcology[/ic]
[ic=Clear Bloods: i]
The Clear Bloodline is the crafted Bloodline. A false Bloodline made by the Animator. Glass creatures who's veins run with a liquid as clear as water.
-notes scribble in the margin of A History of Bloodlines by Tomas Grazzeus, docteur d'Histoire[/ic]
[ic=Clear Bloods: ii]
Beautiful, they sparkled in the light from the three suns. The thing was as slender as a willow branch and nearly invisible. You could only see it by its gleaming figure. Roughly man shaped its head was a mass of spikes. It made a soothing sound as it walked, like the tinkling of chimes.
-from the journal of a young Severity Took[/ic]
[ic=Arboreal Dreadnought]
Treants are the most prismatic of creatures, living forests that travel between the suns. It's beyond cruel what the damn Greenbloods do to them, nailing great sheets of lead and cadmium to form a rough shell. Then they seal it with boiled treant sap, try and imagine being encased in a coffin by your own boiled blood? Barbaric. Then they carve out the trunks and branches for rooms. Finally they cut and weld on catapult doors and access hatches. The worse desecration that could ever happen, the Green Bloods have to be stopped.
-Onerous Took, chairman of Green Pieces[/ic]
[ic=Creation of the Clear Bloodline]
I remember him walking into court, gray skinned and vital. He greeted his brother, our king, with a cheerful hello. Here at the heart of Glaze, the most beautiful of cities. Glaze the glass citadel. I wasn't in high favor at the time so I didn't hear their quarrel. Just the tail end, the king nearly screamed at his brother 'People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones!' I didn't hear the gray skinned strangers reply, the ladies in my company all gasped, the king had used some quite foul language. Then the stranger just reached down and put his hands flat against the floor, in court at the bottom of the palace it was the only granite floor in the entire city. Then it started to happen the stone came alive and it started to shatter everything'¦.
...I was lucky, hidden under a table, twelve inch think treant wood, I survived the castle shattering, everyone else was cut to ribbons. Except the stranger, who was unharmed. He was bent over the body of our king, still alive. 'No! I'll save you, it wasn't supposed to happen like that!' he cried, but as he touched his brothers bloody corpse something happened. Just like the stone came to life when touched it, our kings blood came to some perverse life, it drained from his body killing him. The stranger, who I later learned was the Animator himself, looked at the vile blood creature
I'll remember his words until I die 'You foul thing, how could you!' then he glanced at the shattered remains of our castle and grinned the most evil smile I've ever had the displeasure of seeing. He pointed at the glass then at the creature and something happened. The glass pieces started to swirl in the air and surrounded the creature, then plated it like a skin. Finally there was a brief flash that melded the glass together and the blood faded to a clear liquid. Then I seen the rest of the glass stirring and I ran. I ran until I fell over and couldn't run anymore.
-tale of the survivor of the Glaze disaster[/ic]
[ic=Night Sky]
'Daddy, why are the stars so colorful?' I had asked him. I was laying down on a grassy slope staring up into the multicolored night sky.
'Well when the Prismatic One made the universe and put all the burning humors in the Liquid Void. When he did so, he made the stars and suns every color imaginable, just like him' my father answered my question. I remember we just sat and watched the night sky, it was wonderful. Before I knew about the rest of his life.
'I mean who's ever heard of stars all the same color? Ridiculous' continued the Annihilator.
-memoirs of Liliana Fontescue, owner of The Rigid Flan and child of oblivion[/ic]
[ic=Birth of the Mages]
'They were four if '˜em the first time it '˜appened. Painter, Ironmonger, Judge an' the Wanderer. After they drank the prismatic blood they became the four mages. The Artist that brings to life anythin '˜e sketches. The Annihilator followed by destruction. The Arbiter who judges those before '˜im. The Animator who gives life to the lifeless. No one knows how they came into possession of the prismatic blood, nor why they did drink it. Only the aftermath. They gain the power of the Prismatic One but it turned on '˜em, ruinin' their lives. Now stuck wanderin' for eternity, tryin to stay one step ahead of the disaster that follows '˜em.
-Birth of the Mages, as told by Old Man Wick.[/ic]
[ic=Boarding Action]
The ship started to shake. I was at the nose of the ship, first to enter the enemy Dreadnought. I knew from training that our Cruiser would ram the enemy ship piercing its hull with our sharp prow. Then the tip of the ship would spring open, sealing the cut to stop the Liquid Void from seeping into the ship and revealing the large door that opened to where I was standing right now.
'Steady now! Steady!' hollered the captain. Then there was one final mighty shudder and the ship went still. I heard the pop as the lock disengaged and the door started to open. We all rushed out boar spears and serrated sabers ready.
We all stopped dead in out tacks. Standing nonchalantly was the largest Orc I had ever seen, bigger even then the two Trolls that flanked him. He was a scarred and grizzled bastard too. One of his hands and lower arm had been replaced with two shiny blades, long and curved. It must have been ancient, and everyone knew Orcs didn't grow old. They killed themselves off if we didn't get to em first.
'Oh shit' I heard someone whisper close to me.
''Ello Man Jacks' croaked the monster. 'I see my reputation '˜as preceded me. I'm General Koz and I'll be taking control of yor ship'
I could see ranks and ranks of Trolls and Orcs behind the thing, more then this ship could possibly carry. The treant must be dying, this wasn't a regular attack. This dreadnought had to be a colonial ship.
The captain walked right up to the Orc, didn't bat an eyelash when the Trolls roared at him ether.
'Now listen here. If you think you can just take out ship you've got another idea coming' our captain proclaimed. Last thing he ever did too, poor bastard. Faster then we could see the General reached out and crushed the captains head in his fist. Then he spoke.
'I'm not goin t'a ask nicely again, you give up yor ship and it'll only be camps for you. Anyone who refuses will be '˜aving dinner with us tonight'
-memoirs of a slave liberated from Hess Prime[/ic]
[ic=Blue Bloods]
Most Blue Bloods aren't a bad sort, a little strange with their living in the cold. Blue skinned, blue eyed and white haired Frost Giants carving their great halls in icebergs. But the strange ones, the ones you have to watch out for are the skin dancers, the Wendigo. No one really knows what they really look like, when there not dancing someones skin. Oh you can always tell when someone's being danced, one eye fades to blue, the other fades to red, new teeth come in sharp as knives and they start growing white hair everywhere.
-Notes from Cornelius Took, Blue Blood diplomat[/ic]
[ic=Green Blood Biology]
'As far as we can tell Green Bloods have no gender. They all seem to reproduce like plants or something,' the docteur said. We were in the reserved section of the University Botanical Garden, here for a special lecture by Docteur Hept. He had set aside a corner of the building for the presentation, all kinds of props in place.
The Docteur pulled aside a large curtain that was covering a large crystal jar, roughly four feet tall. 'Ettercaps split in three to reproduce and we don't know what triggers it. However, we do know that when sufficient food is present a large population explosion of Ettercaps happens'. Inside the jar was the strangest creature I had ever seen. It looked very similar to a large onion mixed with equal parts spider and ape, greenish in color; its stomach was bloated.
'And here we go' said the docteur. A large salmon as dropped into the jar. The creature just stared at it. Faster then the eye could blink there was a great tearing sound as the creature split open. Out of its carcass crawled three smaller copies of the creature leaving behind only its flaccid skin.
'Now over here' gesture the docteur. 'Orcs just spring from the ground, though we have better insight into this. On death in battle Orcs emit a large spore cloud, these spores eventually fall to ground and slowly grow into new Orcs. Here is an example we cultivated'. At the bottom of a large glass aquarium filled with dirt we could see strange plants, similar to heads of cabbage. The docteur reached inside and pushed a few leaves aside. Gasps could be heard all around, in the middle of the leaves was a baby. Its head was connected to the bottom of the plant, looking like it was growing out of the ground.
'Ah, now we have some interest' proclaimed Hept. 'This is a baby Orc, it will continue to grow until its about the size of a large cat, then it shall pull itself free and start to terrorize villages'
'Trolls probably have the strangest way of reproducing. They slowly shed their mane of leaf-life tendrils. Once released the tendrils cling together and as soon as enough have formed a tumbleweed a baby troll starts to germinate' he continued. 'Sadly we could not obtain a specimen to show you today. Now that is all for today, any questions?'
-eye witness account of a lecture by Eli Hept, docteur of Bloodline Biology[/ic]
[ic=Sacking of Arcology]
The angels crashed into our line; hewing my fellow soldiers into bloody halves with their massive gold claymores. It was funny if you had a chance to think about it; you never seen an angel fight with anything smaller then five feet of solid gold.
I looked back to the walls of Arcology just as another angel landed on the ground. Bare chested muscles gleaming the damn thing looked like it had just stepped out of a painting. Then it shrieked at us. It was disconcerting hearing a sound so avian coming from something that looked just you or me. Finally it charged our line.
Pulling the ward wrapping from the grenade I threw the diamond sphere at the angel, poor thing didn't have a chance. It seen the sparkling globe and snatched it from the air, bringing its wings down to cover its prize as it clutched the grenade to its chest. Suddenly the angels eyes went wide and it fell to the ground, in several pieces. The diamond grenade had exploded, shredding it to bits while its wings protected us from the shrapnel.
The rest of the angels had fallen. "Advance! Take the walls!" I yelled, hoping others followed me as I ran to Arcology, the gilded rose city.
-accounts from Dannash Took, first over the walls of Arcology.[/ic]
[ic=Domes of the Kalahari]
The waters were still and flat. There was no breeze or current to disturb the surface. Venson and I had climbed part way down the caldera. It had taken us most of the afternoon Now we were in the perfect position just waiting for sunset.
'Wait for it, it'll happen any minute now,' my brother whispered. The sun was setting and the last rays were just covered by the opposite ridge. Just after the last echoes of Venson's whisper died away the surface of the water rippled, as if someone had dropped an invisible droplet onto its perfect surface.
The ripples stilled at it broke the surface, I didn't know what it was at first. It looked like the middle of the lake started to balloon skyward. With a shimmer in the last of the day light the water flowed off the dome. The dome stood nearly three score feet tall and nearly as wide. Faintly visible inside it was the largest weeping willow I've ever seen. The dome looked clear as glass, yet I could see fingers of frost snaking across the surface of the water.
The dome had to be ice, yet it didn't melt even in the humid night. Movement caught my eye as three shapes passed through the ice somehow. Two darted off immediately, too fast for me to catch anything but the briefest glimpse. The last just stood on the water like it was solid ground. The water didn't even dimple with her weight, the shape was decidedly female. I gasped, I couldn't help myself.
The noise of my breathe startled her and she looked to where me and my brother were sitting. A more divine creature I've never seen. Teal skin, golden hair, solid red eyes and dazzling white teeth. She smiled, she had the whitest teeth. Then I noticed something was wrong. Her teeth were like knives, long and sharp. Her hair stirred and I could see it was a mass of slim off white eels.
I didn't care, she looked right into my eyes. The lovely red orbs, without the slightest trace of pupil stared directly at me. I heard Venson scream, which was cut off abruptly with a squeal. It didn't matter, she was still looking into my eyes and she took a step towards me.
-The Domes of the Kalahari as experienced by Blind Izzik[/ic]
[ic=Snowblood Mines]
'Ya, its a dirty job' the miner said 'but someones got to do it,'. He was a Snowshoe, a miner in the Snowblood belt. I had come to talk to some of the miners about their jobs, horrific as it was.
After the Snowblood Massacre a lot of dead bodies were just left in the Liquid Void. Eventually they formed a ring around one of the moons in the area. A ring of carcasses and broken ships.
'So could you give me a quick run down of how you go about mining the blood?' I asked the miner.
He squinted at me, like he was trying to come up with a reason not to answer. 'S'pose it won't do no harm to tell ya,' he finally answered. 'First we cut a chunk offa one of the carcasses. We use tempered angel bone saws, nothing better for slicing tough Wyrm hide,' he continued. Evidently every aspect of this business was morbid in nature, right down to the instruments.
'Once its safely in the hold o' the ship we can start shredding the meat off the bone. We can burn the flesh as fuel. The bones we keep, some people like to buy em as souvenirs. Finally we open a drain on the floor o' the room, drains all the blood into the holding tanks, its got a special filter that stops bits o' flesh and bone from bein' drained,' he elaborated while grinning like a mad man.
This was enough for me, I was starting to regret getting myself involved in the whole enterprise. I thanked the miner and left quickly. As I walked down the corridor I heard the miner give a chuckle.
-Interview with a Snowshoe, from the notes of Nietch Borh.[/ic]
[ic=Glace's Journal]
Day 1
Thorn didn't come back home last night. Seen shadows in the woods, moved on both four legs and two. Must be more beastmen. Will keep an eye out.
Day 3
Thorn still not back yet, beastmen getting courageous. Can see them circling the cabin at night. Will stockpile wood tomorrow.
Day 5
Still no sign of Thorn, think the beastmen got him. Seen new one, massive bastard. Easily as tall as myself, near near forty hands tall.
Day 11
Beastmen tried to enter cabin last night. Couldn't get through door. Door was almost eaten away though. Got weapons out of attic. Spent afternoon preparing for tonight.
Day 17
Damn Silverbloods. First sign of them last night since they half chewed away my door. Came in through a window this time. Was ready for them. Killed one with the wood axe. Got another with the sword. Rest left me alone. Can't see smoke from neighbors cabins anymore.
Day 23
Seen the big bastard again. Snow white wolfman. Killed another three of his pack. Sword snapped in the fight last night.
Day 29
Killed the last of the pack. Only the big one left. Can't leave cabin, its watching. Running out of food.
Day 41
Will make a run for it tomorrow. Can't last any longer. Out of food. Axe handle broke last night. No weapons left.
<<Here the writing becomes a lot messier, as if something happened to the writers hand>>
Day 43
Tried to make a run for it. Didn't work. Was left kneeling in a clearing. Legs were a mess, clawed. The White One walked towards me. I screamed at him. It just kept walking towards me. Looked like it was smiling. Then it spoke.
'You won't get your oblivion from me brother. Its been a while since we had a chat,'
It drew its claws along its forearm. Argent blood spilled out. He held the bleeding arm to my mouth. Was nothing left to do, I drank it.
Day 47
Thorn and me are leaving the cabin. No one left around here. Thinking about starting a new pack.
<<No newer entries are to be found>>
-Journal recovered from the ruins of abandoned log cabin.[/ic]
[ic=Siddhart Village]
'I remember'¦ I remember when it first appeared. Haha'¦ Just slithered right into the town square, arrogant as can be. Everyone was startled by its appearance,' the man said. Hunched into the corner of the town square. He cradled his right hand to his chest, under his coat. He was hesitant to speak, as if the memory was something he wanted to avoid.
'It moved on a long thick tail though it had the upper torso similar to our own. Its bat-like head was hooded like a cobras and it had two long pythons instead of arms. It was covered in thick black scales and spikes grew down its back and tail. Its eyes, oh its eyes'¦ they glowed like small suns. The strangest thing was two small rows of frog legs sprouting form its hips.' he continued, a manic gleam entering his eyes when he described the creature.
'What happened, what did you do to the creature?' the Docteur asked the man. I admit I didn't see the point of questioning the man. He was clearly mad, broken on the malevolent will of the Child of the Dark Splinter.
This time we hadn't found its trail out of the village and we certainly couldn't find the thing inside the town. This was strange because after it was done with a town it always went to find a new one to play with. Four previous villages had to be burnt to the ground because of the monster and now as we're about to catch it, it vanishes.
'Nothing at first, it just slept in the town square for a couple days,' the man replied 'Finally one of the children scratched itself on one of its spines. The children wouldn't listen to their parents when they were told not to go near the monster. The boy was dead within the hour,' here the man grinned. 'His flesh falling off his bones and bleeding from every orifice'¦'
The man paused. He had a far off look as if he struggled to remember something important.
'The other villagers threw stones at the thing, it didn't even move. We sprayed it with water and that did even less the water evaporating as it touched the things scaled hide. The local constable tried stab the thing with his pike. I think that upset it because it decided to eat the constable'¦ After it let him tenderize a bit from the poison,' the mans voice trailed off.
The man had lost most of his hesitation from earlier. I began to think he had enjoyed the creatures visit to his village a bit too much.
'In the end'¦ I ended it,' he finished. The Docteur curious, prompted the man to elaborate on this. I was starting to think that wasn't such a good idea when the man spoke again.
'I crafted the weapon of its demise. I took it upon myself. So no one else would have to. It was worth it. I remember walking towards it with the jagged shard of obsidian in my hand. The thing spoke, its voice coming from its bat-face and the pythons it used as arms. Three hissing voices. Nothing it said could save it, but I'm not sure it wanted saving,'
Here the man broke into chant, as if reciting something learned long ago.
'Red blood of the first born
Blue blood of the neighbor
Green blood from the enemy
Gold blood from the skies
White blooded bone'
'That's what I needed. It's what it took. My son, Jarl Svaerbirg the blacksmith, an orcish prisoner we found a week back, Hadriel Caesium the mayor and the Wyvern tooth Old Wick brought back from Snowblood. That's all that it took to get rid of the monster. A few things just lying around town,'
Here I remembered a few of the corpses, still intact but drained of blood by a wound in their throat. I had thought them just the victim of some new perversion the creature had thought of. Now I didn't like the direction the the interview had taken. Finally the man spoke for the last time.
'I remember something the creature said to me as I cut it into pieces. It hissed at me from three throats, its bat face and its snake like arms. Who's the true Child of the Dark Splinter it asked me'¦ Its body turned to smoke after I was done with it.'
The man removed his hand from the inside of its coat. He was clutching a bright obsidian shard in his hand. The skin on his hand was flaking off, revealing a glossy carapace beneath. The glare from the black blade increased as the man was consumed in black flames. I'll take his laugh to my grave. The fire winked out and the man was gone, nothing left but a hint of smoke in the air and the odor of burned wood.
-First recorded meeting with Horus 'Black Hand' Lune, recorded by Zephon D'or and Cedric Primrose.[/ic]
I'm hooked. More Please. :)
My favorites are the The Prismatic Bloodletting, because its a unique and cool concept and the Aetherial Ships because right off the bat it tells the reader that each color represents a different human emotion and a different human thinking/belief. Each is different and exotic.
i must hear more on these two topics.
Quote from: Elemental_ElfI'm hooked. More Please. :)
My favorites are the The Prismatic Bloodletting, because its a unique and cool concept and the Aetherial Ships because right off the bat it tells the reader that each color represents a different human emotion and a different human thinking/belief. Each is different and exotic.
i must hear more on these two topics.
EE just said everything that I am thinking... so "me too" I guess.
Very cool. The second snippet is probably my favorite overall. This feels sort of like Divergence, although I think the plane-hopping dynamic here is more interesting than the Paths. Sort of spelljammerish, but not.
A couple of stylistic nitpicks. I felt you might have overused the word "ship" in the first snippet. There are so many other words for ship (or types of ships) - boat, trawler, frigate, galleon, cog, trireme, etc. That Husk Ships was capitalized while ice ships was not also seemed strange.
In the fourth snippet, "Then a dark splinter caught his eye, it was nothing he had created" - this is a run-on sentence. If you're aware of that and were deliberately using the run-on, fine (although it sounds odd to me compared to the rest of the passage). If not you might want to put some stronger punctuation than a comma there or split it into two separate sentences.
Really looking forward to more!
[ooc]
Quote from: Elemental_ElfI'm hooked. More Please. :)
My favorites are the The Prismatic Bloodletting, because its a unique and cool concept and the Aetherial Ships because right off the bat it tells the reader that each color represents a different human emotion and a different human thinking/belief. Each is different and exotic.
i must hear more on these two topics.
Thanks, I'll see what I can do. I'm glad you enjoyed it, I was really uncertain as to what the reaction would be.
Quote from: NomadicEE just said everything that I am thinking... so "me too" I guess.
Thanks as well. I'll see what else I can whip up.
Quote from: SteerpikeVery cool. The second snippet is probably my favorite overall. This feels sort of like Divergence, although I think the plane-hopping dynamic here is more interesting than the Paths. Sort of spelljammerish, but not.
A couple of stylistic nitpicks. I felt you might have overused the word "ship" in the first snippet. There are some many other words for ship (or types of ships) = boat, trawler, frigate, galleon, cog, trireme, etc. That Husk Ships was capitalized while ice ships was not also seemed strange.
in the fourth snippet, "Then a dark splinter caught his eye, it was nothing he had created" - this is a run-on sentence. If you're aware of that and were deliberately using the run-on, fine (although it sounds odd to me compared to the rest of the passage). If not you might want to put some stronger punctuation than a comma there or split it into two separate sentences.
Really looking forward to more!
Your spot on with the Spelljammer reference, I know pretty much nothing about it except it's fantasy with spaceships, which is sorta what I'm trying to convey here. Thanks for the stylistic comments, I changed one mention of ship (to frigate, I was at a loss when i wrote it, couldn't come up with a synonym for the life of me thanks). As to why they both weren't capitalized? Well the Husk Ships are an official name, the ice frigates was more of a description, but now that you mention it I capitalized both, makes more sense that way. For the run on sentence, thanks for catching that. It's a real problem with me, commas are a pain I tend to put them everywhere.
I also updated the first post with a few more snippets, White Bloods i, ii and Husk Ships.
[/ooc]
[ooc]Updated with Black Bloods and Silver Bloods[/ooc]
The colors are making me think of Magic: The Gathering. Am I right in assuming that each bloodline comprises several different races?
Quote from: SteerpikeThe colors are making me think of Magic: The Gathering. Am I right in assuming that each bloodline comprises several different races?
Yes, the seven bloodlines each have a couple different races each.
[ooc]New update edited into the first thread, Gold and Clear Bloodlines.
Also the other day I updated Green and Silver Bloodlines, The Nature of Magic and Black Bloodlines.[/ooc]
So the bloodlines are Gold, Silver, White, Clear, Red, Green, and Black?
LOVE the Husk Ships. This reminds me, randomly, of a section from the awesome show Reboot in the Web, which was presented as a kind of swirling chaotic void (and featured ships covered in chitin from dead Web-beasts).
[ooc]The Bloodlines are Gold, Silver, Black, White, Red, Blue, Green.
The Clear doesn't count as an actual bloodline because they have a different creation point (they weren't started by the seven blood droplets from the Prismatic One) they were created by someone called the Animator.
Ha, I had never though of the web-ship from Reboot, but ya that was a great show :D[/ooc]
[ooc] Updated with a new Gold and Clear bloodline entry, as well as info on the Arboreal Dreadnought.[/ooc]
[ooc]Updated with the Creation of the Clear Bloodline and a section on the Night Sky[/ooc]
[ooc] Added the Birth of the Mages section [/ooc]
So the four mages are still around, then? Are they really long-lived or did their birth happen not so long ago?
Quote from: SteerpikeSo the four mages are still around, then? Are they really long-lived or did their birth happen not so long ago?
[ooc] Yep, the four of them are still around. They don't really age anymore and are very hard to kill. I doubt anything aside from the concerted efforts of several entire Aetherial Navies or other large fighting forces could come close to killing them. Although their birth was still not too long ago, maybe four or five hundred years ago, no one is really sure. The first direct mention of the mages is the encounter between the Animator and his brother which ended up creating the Clear Bloodline, roughly four and a half centuries ago. Certain events have been theorized to be attributed to them from an even earlier times as well.
There descendants, and people who drink their blood are the only magic users around. Drinking their Heartsblood is the only way to steal their magic, but it would also kill them, not something they really want to do. Given more time I'll add bits about the exploits that they and their descendants have done. I've already mentioned Liliana Fontescue, daughter of the Annihilator.[/ooc]
[ooc] Updated first post with Boarding Action, Blue Bloods and Green Blood Biology. Once again, if there's a specific thing that intrigues you, pipe up. Comments on the prose are especially welcome.[/ooc]
I like your writing and your imagery a lot, and find this stuff compelling in a much more visceral way than your other settings because of the "on the ground" feel. Since you're looking for comments on the prose, here are a few quibbles/nitpicks about Green Blood Biology (some of these are just opinions, a couple are genuine punctuational/grammatical mistakes):
1) After quoted speech, you should place a comma, generally speaking. So
Quote'As far as we can tell Green Bloods have no gender. They all seem to reproduce like plants or something' the docteur said.
should be written as
Quote'As far as we can tell Green Bloods have no gender. They all seem to reproduce like plants or something,' the docteur said.
2)
QuoteThe Docteur pulled aside a large curtain that was covering a large crystal jar, roughly four feet tall talking as he did so 'Ettercaps split in three to reproduce and we don't know what triggers it. However, we do know that when sufficient food is present a large population explosion of Ettercaps happens'.
I think the first sentence sounds strange with the integrated dialogue. If you want to keep it, you should have a comma after "so." Personally, I'd remove "talking as he did so" entirely and put a period after "tall," then leave the dialogue - we know it's the docteur talking, I think, especially since if there was a new speaker there needs to be a new paragraph, so we'd know from that if someone else was talking.
(3)
QuoteInside the jar was the strangest creature I had ever seen, it looked very similar to a large onion mixed with equal parts spider and ape. Greenish in color its stomach was bloated.
Great imagery, but there are some small problems here. The first sentence is a run-on. The central comma needs to be replaced with a semi-colon or a period. The second technically has a fragment ("Greenish in color") but you're kind of getting away with it. You might want to change the whole thing to something like this:
QuoteInside the jar was the strangest creature I had ever seen. It looked very similar to a large onion mixed with equal parts spider and ape, greenish in color; its stomach was bloated.
or
QuoteFloating inside the jar was the strangest creature I'd ever seen. It looked very similar to a large, greenish onion mixed with equal parts spider and ape; its stomach was bloated.
(4)
QuoteFaster then the eye could blink there was a great earing sound as the creature split open. Out of its carcass crawled three smaller copies of the creature, the only thing left behind was its flaccid skin.
"earing" I think was intended as "tearing." The second sentence is a run-on; you could replace the comma with a semi-colon or period, or change the latter clause to "leaving behind only its flaccid skin."
(5)
QuoteIn a large glass aquarium, the bottom filled with dirt we could see strange plants, similar to a head of cabbage. The docteur reached inside and pushed a few leaves aside. Gasps could be heard all around, in the middle of the leaves was a baby.
Heh very 40K orks, but they're my favorite orc/ork types anywhere (heck I've got a 2500 point army of the little green buggers). The first sentence doesn't quite fit together properly. You could change it to
QuoteAt the bottom of a large glass aquarium filled with dirt we could see strange plants, similar to heads of cabbage.
Also "Gasps could be heard all around, in the middle of the leaves was a baby," is a run-on. I'd suggest a colon or a long dash to replace the central comma.
I really like the green-blood biology and I'm enjoying your writing. The style is for the most part good, and while you've got some run-ons, I find myself wondering whether they kind of work in the context of what you're creating. Run-ons kind of work with stream-of-consciousness style writing, which is almost what you're creating; a few of them stick out at me as somewhat glaring, but really it depends on the effect you're going for. If you want a polished, very "correct" style without even any technical grammatical errors I'd suggest you start experimenting with some of the less-used punctuation - dashes, semi-colons, parentheses, etc. - since they seem to suit your writing style well.
Really enjoyed the silverbloods thing. Really.
Actually, this experiment of your jolted my admittedly jaded self into re-reading.
'Boarding action' didn't seem to work, who rammed who to board what, who was attacking, etc.
Quote from: SteerpikeI like your writing and your imagery a lot, and find this stuff compelling in a much more visceral way than your other settings because of the "on the ground" feel. Since you're looking for comments on the prose, here are a few quibbles/nitpicks about Green Blood Biology (some of these are just opinions, a couple are genuine punctuational/grammatical mistakes):
1) After quoted speech, you should place a comma, generally speaking. So
Quote'As far as we can tell Green Bloods have no gender. They all seem to reproduce like plants or something' the docteur said.
should be written as
Quote'As far as we can tell Green Bloods have no gender. They all seem to reproduce like plants or something,' the docteur said.
2) QuoteThe Docteur pulled aside a large curtain that was covering a large crystal jar, roughly four feet tall talking as he did so 'Ettercaps split in three to reproduce and we don't know what triggers it. However, we do know that when sufficient food is present a large population explosion of Ettercaps happens'.
I think the first sentence sounds strange with the integrated dialogue. If you want to keep it, you should have a comma after "so." Personally, I'd remove "talking as he did so" entirely and put a period after "tall," then leave the dialogue - we know it's the docteur talking, I think, especially since if there was a new speaker there needs to be a new paragraph, so we'd know from that if someone else was talking.
(3) QuoteInside the jar was the strangest creature I had ever seen, it looked very similar to a large onion mixed with equal parts spider and ape. Greenish in color its stomach was bloated.
Great imagery, but there are some small problems here. The first sentence is a run-on. The central comma needs to be replaced with a semi-colon or a period. The second technically has a fragment ("Greenish in color") but you're kind of getting away with it. You might want to change the whole thing to something like this: QuoteInside the jar was the strangest creature I had ever seen. It looked very similar to a large onion mixed with equal parts spider and ape, greenish in color; its stomach was bloated.
or QuoteFloating inside the jar was the strangest creature I'd ever seen. It looked very similar to a large, greenish onion mixed with equal parts spider and ape; its stomach was bloated.
(4) QuoteFaster then the eye could blink there was a great earing sound as the creature split open. Out of its carcass crawled three smaller copies of the creature, the only thing left behind was its flaccid skin.
"earing" I think was intended as "tearing." The second sentence is a run-on; you could replace the comma with a semi-colon or period, or change the latter clause to "leaving behind only its flaccid skin."
(5)QuoteIn a large glass aquarium, the bottom filled with dirt we could see strange plants, similar to a head of cabbage. The docteur reached inside and pushed a few leaves aside. Gasps could be heard all around, in the middle of the leaves was a baby.
Heh very 40K orks, but they're my favorite orc/ork types anywhere (heck I've got a 2500 point army of the little green buggers). The first sentence doesn't quite fit together properly. You could change it to QuoteAt the bottom of a large glass aquarium filled with dirt we could see strange plants, similar to heads of cabbage.
Also "Gasps could be heard all around, in the middle of the leaves was a baby," is a run-on. I'd suggest a colon or a long dash to replace the central comma.
I really like the green-blood biology and I'm enjoying your writing. The style is for the most part good, and while you've got some run-ons, I find myself wondering whether they kind of work in the context of what you're creating. Run-ons kind of work with stream-of-consciousness style writing, which is almost what you're creating; a few of them stick out at me as somewhat glaring, but really it depends on the effect you're going for. If you want a polished, very "correct" style without even any technical grammatical errors I'd suggest you start experimenting with some of the less-used punctuation - dashes, semi-colons, parentheses, etc. - since they seem to suit your writing style well.
Thankyou very much. I know I tend to have tons of run on sentences. I also place commas everywhere. English wasn't my first language and I'm terrible at english grammar and wasn't really taught that much of it in school So I appreciate all the help/comments I get. I'm glad you find the imagery gets across. That was one of my worries. That and confusing people (pet peeve of mind). I'll look into other punctuation. Thanks again.
Quote from: Vreeg's Coachwhip.Really enjoyed the silverbloods thing. Really.
Actually, this experiment of your jolted my admittedly jaded self into re-reading.
'Boarding action' didn't seem to work, who rammed who to board what, who was attacking, etc.
Thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed it. I'm not entirely satisfied with the beginning and end of Boarding action, they were added to help put in context. It didn't turn out as well as I had hoped and I'll take another crack at it later. Thanks again.
[blockquote=Llum]English wasn't my first language and I'm terrible at english grammar and wasn't really taught that much of it in school So I appreciate all the help/comments I get.[/blockquote]Well, you have a much better grasp of the language - a very rich vocabulary etc. - than many ESL individuals I've come across (I used to tutor ESL high school students so I've seen my fair share). Run-ons are one of those tricky things that many writers (even those for whom English is their first language) use without thinking about. Certainly in everyday speech we have run-ons all over the place.
Quote from: Steerpike[blockquote=Llum]English wasn't my first language and I'm terrible at english grammar and wasn't really taught that much of it in school So I appreciate all the help/comments I get.[/blockquote]Well, you have a much better grasp of the language - a very rich vocabulary etc. - than many ESL individuals I've come across (I used to tutor ESL high school students so I've seen my fair share). Run-ons are one of those tricky things that many writers (even those for whom English is their first language) use without thinking about. Certainly in everyday speech we have run-ons all over the place.
Well I went through strictly french education until University. I'm bilingual and I can speak English pretty well (and I read a ton, so I pick up a vocabulary from that) but I never really learned grammar that much. Its mostly the grammar side of things that I'm bad at.
'The Children of the Dark Splinter'....I get goose bumps with that one phrase.
[ooc] Added Silver Bloods: ii and Sacking of Arcology. Thanks Vreeg, I'm glad the prose is a little evocative.[/ooc]
[ooc]Updated with The Domes of Kalahari.[/ooc]
[ooc]Updated thread with Glace's Journal and Snowblood Mines[/ooc]
[ooc]Updated with Siddhart Village[/ooc]
The Sack of Arcology was short but satisfying. The issues you had with 'Boarding Action' you avoided, and this was a clear cut piece, great for describing the Angels, but a little more on the atackers might have been nice.
I loved Glace's Journal. What a great job. You kept it in character, simple, yet you got every effect you could have wanted.
Since you said in chat that you'd be happy with this, here it is...
this stuff is teh suxxors. terrible poopy quality. I think it made somebody's grandmother die. If Canada gets bombed off the map, it's probably to get rid of this. Stop now before your writing embarrasses the entire continent. My two year old son could write better then this, and (as far as I know) I don't even have any kids.
Since that's now five lines of flame, I think I can be a bit more serious now, huh? Heh. Anyway, I only gave this a quick scan-over, but from what I've seen, it looks pretty good. I like it. I like how "hands" is a measurement system. Is that standardized, like feet are in the real world (er, at least, in America?), or is that a subjective measurement?
Also, this part isn't about the setting, but...
Quote from: LlumQuote from: Steerpike[blockquote=Llum]English wasn't my first language and I'm terrible at english grammar and wasn't really taught that much of it in school So I appreciate all the help/comments I get.[/blockquote]Well, you have a much better grasp of the language - a very rich vocabulary etc. - than many ESL individuals I've come across (I used to tutor ESL high school students so I've seen my fair share). Run-ons are one of those tricky things that many writers (even those for whom English is their first language) use without thinking about. Certainly in everyday speech we have run-ons all over the place.
Well I went through strictly french education until University. I'm bilingual and I can speak English pretty well (and I read a ton, so I pick up a vocabulary from that) but I never really learned grammar that much. Its mostly the grammar side of things that I'm bad at.
You've actually got a pretty good handle on English grammar. I think English grammar is so incredibly complicated, that it ocassionally circles back around to being simple; something that might technically be a mistake might be acceptable, due to some obscure grammar bylaw or some sort. I can second steerpike on run-on sentences being a problem for native English speakers, too.
[spoiler=Anecdote time]
I have a friend who has always been exceptional in English, and seems to have thoroughly studied every book she could find on the subject. She told me once that when she was in High School, she had an assignment that apparently had something to do with run-on sentences. One of the students did a fairly decent job on this, but it was undermined by the fact that he actually used a run-on sentence in it, so he failed the assignment. My fried, on the other hand, did an impressive job on this assignment; her submission was just one long, overbloated, rambling run-on sentence. I think she said it was about four lines long. She got a 100% grade on that assignment.[/spoiler]
Quote from: Halfling FritosSince you said in chat that you'd be happy with this, here it is...I like it. I like how "hands" is a measurement system. Is that standardized, like feet are in the real world (er, at least, in America?), or is that a subjective measurement?
A hand is roughly 4 inches.
[ic=A time for words]
The men and women, all aged with the look of those used to power, assembled around the table in a cavernous vaulted room looked grim. All wore a silver wrought peridot clasps holding a deep violet cloak around their shoulders. Everyone bore some symbol of rank, diadems belonging to the Violet Senate, silvered swords of the Violet Generals or rarely a notched ear denoting command of a Violet Carrier.
The youngest, a man barely out of childhood, finally spoke. 'Hello friends, we gather at a dangerous time in the history of the seven worlds. The Violet Hold stands at the edge of a bottomless chasm; soon the Splinter-Child hordes will invade and the various factions and powers bicker like children'
An older frost giant, beard trimmed to a point who had both a small amethyst inset diadem on his brow and a great silvered claymore responded. 'We've tried everything possible milord. We cannot negotiate peace between everyone. The Tinmen refuse to work with Orcs, the angels demand vengeance for Arcology, even the academics are up in arms about this damn Mercurial Society business. Nevermind the bloodcursed Whiteblood Rex who eat our envoys. The seven worlds will go down in a tide of black flames milord" here the regal giant's voice took on a pleading tone "Please, come with us when we leave for Mortarion' Others around the table nodded their heads in agreement.
As his words died away two shadows detached themselves from the roof and fell to the ground. Two streaks of black lightning sped from the hands of the elvish assassins towards the youngest speaker only to be deflected by his cloak. Shocked the first elf fell to the ricochet lightning. The second fell soon after nearly cleaved in twain by a blow dealt by the older frost giant.
Through all this the young man stood still, waiting.
A slight rain of dust slowly fell from the rafters, and out of this stepped the form of woman, small, elaborate tattoos obscuring most of her face. She made no move to attack, content to meet every gaze and memorize every face in the room.
'The real attack now, you sacrificed your minions to test my defenses. You clearly think yourself up to the task if you've revealed yourself. Well, no harlot chained to the side of The Artificer will stop me!' declared the young man.
'Daughter' answered the woman in a deep throaty voice. The dust swirled around her like a cloak obscuring her. Drawing a pair of long daggers, the earth trembling once as they left the sheath. She started to slowly advance, long daggers at the ready. 'I'm her daughter'
'Be that as it may, everyone here mark my words' responded the young man, tears of green fire begining to drip from his eyes 'I will unite the warring worlds. The time for negotiation has lapsed. Under my boot or united against me the worlds will be ready and united when the Hordes come. Carry out my final orders" bringing his gaze to the female assassin "You are not the only one who knows the taste of prismatic blood'.
Everyone ran from the room as the dust-obscured woman charged the now flaming pyre of what used to be the young man.
-Last council of the Violet Hold
[/ic]
[ic=A sight worth seeing]
Laughter and music were the first things Sanador Took heard as he rushed towards the officers lounge. It was jarring he thought, the happy laughter opposed to the slow dirge-like music of Margrave Capstone. Normally someone as junior as him would never come within two decks of the fabled lounge, but these weren't normal circumstance. Body pumping with adrenaline he stepped through the door, and was assaulted by various smells such as acrid pipe smoke and the sweet scent of graum flowers. The huge room had three dark teak walls decorated with tin murals, the floor made from lavish pink marble, the ceiling arched with three tin and glass chandeliers dangling like spiralled stalactites. What Sanador was running towars, perhaps the greatest feature of the room, was obscured, one was was a massive amber-glass window, currently obscured by a massive full sized Wyrm-skin, complete with fanged head and spiked wings.
No farther then a single step inside the plush room when Sanador was assailed by new sounds, "Hey!, a cadet!" "Stop him!" "What's a youngster doing in here?" "In my day cadets....", he knew he was going to be in coal-colored trouble as soon as they caught him, but he had no choice. Much to Sanadors dismay one of the officers got up from his seat and stepped to intercept him, a Lieutenant of one strip or another, Bartelbee or Barthalomew. With a quick thought of "Prismatic One forgive me" he stepped onto an empty chair, leapt onto the table, then vaulted onto the poor Lieutenant and with one last bound managed to fly through the air and latch onto the Wyrm-skin. His weight too much for the flimsy nails he fell into a heap of tangled Wyrm-skin, cadet and even managed to ensnare a few of the closer officers, including the now thrashing Lt. Bathalomew. A cry of "Aha! Got the scamp now" came from the assembled officers, along with the muttered cuss-words of those entangled in the Wyrm-skin.
"Enough!", this from the captain of the ship, one Honorable Sur Tevstin Divine. The captain was a silver haired elf with a single piercing golden eye, the other was covered by a silk eye-patch, but a large furrow could be seen descending from his forhead to the patch, and continuing out from the bottom all the way down to his collar, where it was obscured by his high-necked uniform. "What is the meaning of this cadet Took? While your family has a reputation for eccentricies, this is a bit much even from one of you". Arms weak with dread, Sanador could only do one thing, he pointed out the amber-glass wall; "Look..." was all he could manage to whisper.
Gasps arose from a few of those present, most could only manage a shocked silence. In the vastness of the Liquid Void scores of ships could be seen streaming towards their position, this however was not what baffled those gazing into the deep, it was instead a single other ship. This ship, shaped like a cross between jagged crystals and a simple pinecone, wasn't moving. It just loosed volley after volley of projectiles into the streaming ships; massive bolts, spiked spheres of metal and lances of green fire. It was a slaughter, the remains of what looked like a hundred ships drifted slowly around it.
"Prismatic one be praised... Look at the moon!", this from Lt. Bartholomew who had managed to get to his kneeds. As he spoke Virgo, the smallest moon, passed in front of the mysterious attacking ship, trying to eclipse it. It could not, the attacking ship, a crystal monstrosity colored in a violent shade of violet was larger then the small moon.
"Black Blood be damned!" entoned the captain.
[/ic]
Ok, you need to help me here. I cannot tell who the burning pyre is.
And how the hell does our young man have that much time for his declaration when he's got someone attacking him?
Quote from: Vreeg's BordeauxAnd how the hell does our young man have that much time for his declaration when he's got someone attacking him?
She doesn't attack him right away, surprise is gone because the first assassins so she waits. I'll fix this, trimmed some bits from his speech and clarified the actions of the female assassin a bit.
As always thanks for the feedback Vreeg.
getting better, my friend.
Don't place the tears of Green fire at the end of that para. Try to place it where it belongs, as the speech is being made.
Also, "Well, no Harlot..." you need a comma there.
The Giant's comments about the inability to make a peace seems to be lacking in details, missing a golden opportunity to give deeper data. I find myslef wondering more about the factions.
Quote from: Vreeg's BordeauxAlso, "Well, no Harlot..." you need a comma there.
The Giant's comments about the inability to make a peace seems to be lacking in details, missing a golden opportunity to give deeper data. I find myslef wondering more about the factions.
[/quote]
Fair enough, I felt the giant wasn't elaborated enough, so I tried to add some more info in general at the begining.
[blockquote=lLUM]An older frost giant, beard trimmed to a point who had both a small amethyst inset diadem on his brow and a great silvered claymore responded. 'We've tried everything possible milord. We cannot negotiate peace between everyone. The Tinmen refuse to work with Orcs, the angels demand vengeance for Arcology, even the academics are up in arms about this damn Mercurial Society business. Nevermind the bloodcursed Whiteblood Rex who eat our envoys. The seven worlds will go down in a tide of black flames milord" here the regal giants voice took on a pleading tone "Please, come with us when we leave for Mortarion' Others around the table nodded their heads in agreement.[/blockquote]
Wow. That's a huge improvement. That piques a lot of interest.
add an apostrophe after the Word Giant, as in whose voice is it...
Updated the top post of this page with a new snipper, called "A sight worth seeing".