So yesterday I started working on a document to represent the Alpha rules for Kaidan. I mostly created placeholder pages for the intended content. This version while missing key pages like table of contents, license and credit page, I'm currently focusing on the necessary content in the order they will be presented - so this is barely a start. But it is close to final form, at least in design and layout. Need more illustrations of course, but its progress still.
Note the page numbers are all screwy, but I was removing existing placeholder pages, and as I started this more final version, I was duplicating existing pages then changing the titles, content and illustrations. I see at least 2 more weeks putting this together, so unless I include an abridged version, this won't make it for The Gift Part 1 release in 8 days.
Actually I have to stop doing this and start formatting The Gift Part 1 in a similar style, but at least that content is already complete. I just have to put it together all "pretty like".
This is a PDF file, so not as user-friendly for the forum vs. an image attachment, but this is how the final format will be (file wise.)
Please critique and comment - I know not much there yet, but if you see critical errors, or content that should preceed what's there, tell me, please!
GP
Kaidan Alpha Rules PDF (http://www.gamer-printshop.com/kaidan/kaidan-alpha.pdf)
Karma table on page 4 looks a bit odd.
Art seems very classical 2E DnD.
Production Values ++
After reincarnation the memories of a previous
life are generally lost.
should have a comma after reincarnation.
While many of the monsters may be familiar
from past settings
should be:
While many monsters...
--
All undead are considered
ghosts in Kaidan, though this includes all
standard undead forms in the Pathfinder
game.
Do you really want the word "though" here?
--
Appearances can be misleading. A
walking skeleton maybe the animated dead,
a skeletal warrior
... may be ... an animated skeletal warrior.
The grammar in that sentence is a bit confusing.
--
One cannot automatically detect
what type of undead creature it is, by
looking at it
It is undefined.
---
Currency Equivalents table has the word Equivalents misspelled.
Also, the table is empty.
---
To the lower castes from peasants to the
outcast classes, this means little beyond the
requirement to pay annual taxes to their
respective local noble lords.
This is undefined.
---
As if their very blood seeks a return to its
home plane below the lowest caste.
Not a sentence.
--
Half Oni in human form run the gamut of
human physical features within the settings
ethnic variety
Setting's
Also consider re-writing this.
--
Note: I only did a cursory proofread. I strongly recommend putting this by someone who has the time to make more in-depth recommendations.
--
Good Luck!
It's not my cup of tea, but the production values are high. With proper proofing, this will hopefully do well. :)
I'm not going to belabour the point about grammar, because that's not really the purpose of this forum, but pretty much every paragraph in this draft needs extensive copy editing. The first two sentences of the book have at least three problems, and it goes downhill from there. Now, I realize it's just a draft, but the problems are so systemic they actually interfere with your delivery and cheapen your otherwise impressive production values.
Now on we go to more important things, bearing in mind I have
no idea what the D5 system is. If I'm missing something obvious because of my unfamiliarity, then I apologize, but urge you to avoid too much "inside baseball" in your setting forth the, er... setting.
DifferencesI really like the notion of setting out differences from other Asian settings. The biggest problem you have here is that you don't give enough of an idea what you're setting your, er... setting against. There's one part that works wonderfully:
QuoteKaidan is not Japan, its a fictional setting with
its own history and possibilities. In many ways
however, it is more Japan than any previous
setting. Where other oriental RPG settings
tried to incorporate the wider Asian influences
of Chinese, Indian, Mongol and South East
Asian, Kaidan is based soley on Japanese
ideas, legends and folklore.
Here (although it's not in a "differences" section) you're actually saying what other people did, then saying how what you did is different. If you aren't going to give this sort of detail, then you should identify the settings you have in mind, either by name or reference. For example, you might write something like "Many settings have elemental priests, often called Shukenja, Shugenga, or some variant. Kaidan takes this notion and returns it to its authentic Japanese roots in the Yamabushi ("warrior of the mountain") class.
(Not sure if that's the right translation... my Japanese vocab and grammar are horrible. -A) Instead of being (description of what other settings do), they are (what? Mystic hermits?)."
Also... you start out with "Differences from Previous Asian Settings", which is fine, but it's a very short, cursory section. Then you start talking about the Wheel of Life, which is totally coool, but somewhat incongruous. Then on the next page, BAM! We're back to talking about differences between Kaidan and other systems... so much so that the next subheading is called "Other Differences". The structure of these opening pages is loose and wandering.
KarmaThe Karma idea is nice -- there was something very similar in the Marvel Superheroes game, although the Karma points could be spent on modifying die rolls. I'm a little confused, though: Just a forty-act gap between advancement and its opposite? Seems a bit slim. Also: Use the greater-than-or-equal-to and less-than-or-equal to symbols for the last two entries on the karma table to avoid confusion. (If you just look at the table itself, it reads right now like you gain karma for being promoted.)
VaguenessIn several places, you're vague and ambiguous where you should be specific. Example:
QuoteAlthough Kaidan is a fictional setting, compared to
the Japanese time line, its sits at the end of Heian
period, during the last battle of the Genpei War
which ended in 1185, up to the Muromachi period
about 1450. Thus Kaidan exists during the birth
and rise of the feudal period, in the age of the War
Lords of Japan. Though some institutions such as
the Yakuza from the much later Tokugawa period
have been borrowed and incorporated into the
setting, the bulk of Kaidan's structure is built from
elements of an earlier age.
Again, ignoring grammar problems, it's not clear what it means for a fictional setting to "sit" on a real timeline. If you mean that's where the reader might look to see what level of political sophistication and scientific technology correspond to what exists in Kaidan, then
say that. Don't say "the bulk of the structure is built from elements of an earlier age" -- say what those elements are. If you mean to say that, barring some specification to the contrary, things that didn't exist until after that point in time in the real world don't exist in Kaidan, then say that!
Finally... just to make sure I'm not missing anything... is the document supposed to just be seven pages long right now?
Thanks for the responses. Regarding grammer and misspelling, I will have professionals proof and edit this before publication, so I'm not really worried about that aspect. Design, mechanics faux pas, missing elements - that's the kind of advice I'm really looking for here.
Lots to edit, I know. I may post an update later in the week or better yet, transfer this directly into the forum so it can be read more easily by forum members.
GP
Sorry, I got cut-off earlier, before I finished my response.
The content is indeed sloppy at this point (I am not a highly skilled writer) basically I'm patching together notes and previous write ups on the various aspects of the setting. Sometimes moving content from one document to another fluidity disappears, and the text jumps around a bit. Like I said the writer/proofers I'm working with are remarkably good and have turned my own Wiki posts into excellent wordsmithy.
Regarding the length at 7 pages, no that's not the actual length, that's as far as I got in typing this up yesterday. If you notice under races, but before human - all the races I intend to place are listed, so there will be at least a single page dedicated to each - right now just human and half-oni, but I need to create pages for Hengeyokai, Ryujin, Spirit Folk and Korobokuru.
Also I will be posting all my intended classes in this same document which will constitute lots of data - 15 variant samurai classes, hatamoto (a noble class samurai variant), onmyoji wizard (a noble wizard class), 5 orders of Yamabushi (one for each of the five buddhist elements), 5 ninja variants, sohei (variant paladin class), matagi (ranger), Shaman (Shoten and Miko), Yakuza (basic rogue), jugondo sorcerers (at least 3 bloodlines), bushi fighter, and several prestige classes.
I will also be creating a short list and descriptions of New Feats for Kaidan
Again, thanks for the critiques and suggested rewrites.
All the above will complete this document so a guess of 20 to 30 pages (probably more), instead of 7.
Once this is complete and published (probably September?), then I'll be working on the Beastiary scheduled for release in November or December, followed by a fluff history and aspects of the setting.
Once all that is done, sometime in January or February all these documents will be published as a single Handbook, with a goal for a hard cover version, set for pre-order.
Lots of work to do!
GP
PS: D5 is the publisher (Dementia 5 Publishing House) it is not a system.
You have races list with -1 stat penalties. Are you sure you want to do this? The general consensus I've seen is this is a bad idea because it requires a 2 point difference to change a score: 1 point differences have little effect and are often sought by min-maxers to avoid that change to scores thus garnering them special abilities while avoiding the corresponding penalty.
Looking forward to more!
What program did you use for the layout?
Quote from: SilvercatMoonpawYou have races list with -1 stat penalties. Are you sure you want to do this? The general consensus I've seen is this is a bad idea because it requires a 2 point difference to change a score: 1 point differences have little effect and are often sought by min-maxers to avoid that change to scores thus garnering them special abilities while avoiding the corresponding penalty.
Without trying to totally pilfer from Oriental Adventures D20, the races aren't particularly original except for Half Oni and Ryujin, so I took those stats from that book. Good point though and would be another deviation from those rules. So I'll eliminate the - stats, only consider + stats or not stat changes. Good idea.
GP
PS: I used the same application that I use to create most of my maps, Xara Xtreme Pro 4.0
Side note: The Gift: Gaijin (Part 1 of the mini-campaign arc) is complete and ready for publication in seven days. I do need to add some NPC stats, monster stats and animal encounter stats, plus I want to include 4 pre-generated characters (just to have them available, not as necessary.) - undergoing final proof in 4 days...
Format is just like the Kaidan RPG alpha rules, posted above. I'm excited, so close to both completion and the publication date!
GP
No time to upload all the content into the forum directly, but I have the next PDF update with corrections based on your suggestions (not proofed yet) and added content - still far from done, but well on the way. I have the stats for the Hatamoto class (where I stopped...) but insuring it fits the format already created. Those classes I develop will comprise of 2 to 3 pages, while classes offering fluff and rules differences to standard classes (ie: Bushi = Fighter) will only comprise a single page. I will need to add new feats and descriptions after classes section, followed by an explanation of the 4 types of martial arts schools in Kaidan, and an equipment list.
Anyway, update so far.
GP
Kaidan Alpha Rules - partial (http://www.gamer-printshop.com/kaidan/kaidan-alpha-partial.pdf)
Next update on the Alpha rules...
GP
Kaidan Alpha Rules update! (http://www.gamer-printshop.com/kaidan/kaidan-alpha-rules.pdf)
I don't know if you've had the proofreaders in yet, but there are still a lot of spelling and grammatical errors.
System-wise, the chart for races still mentions several with (-1) modifiers. Also, some of the races have negative modifiers with no balancing positive modifiers - in 3E/3.5E/3.75E/Pathfinder, that's generally considered a no-no unless they have other special abilities to make up for or balance them. Maybe you could ask Xeviat, here, to give the rules and mechanics a thorough look-over.
I really like the tone a lot, I think your writing is doing a good job of representing the "darkness" of the Japanese horror setting. Can't wait to see more.
Actually there's such a body of work to create, I'm really just trying to get thoughts from a variety of notes into a single document - I want to get it to "paper" in a fairly complete fashion, however once I complete the classes section, perhaps the largest and most complex aspect of these Alpha rules, I will send it to my editors and proof readers to fix the grammer and misspellings. I seem to be able to create 2 to 5 class description pages per day.
At this point, you could consider this document just a draft, and will be finalized in quick fashion once I get the bulk of it to this digital format.
I have since made the changes to the racial adjustments, just my current efforts are in building the classes, so I hadn't gone back to correct those until last night.
If you find any major discrepancies to the rules themselves, that's the kind of critique I am really looking for at this time.
I appreciate you looking at it, Ishy!
GP
One thing I would like to say-- I'm not sure if a "Differences from other Asian settings" section is even necessary or a good idea. The game/setting should stand out enough that the differences are immediately obvious. Maybe as a little appendix if you simply must have it, but putting it right on the second page in all honesty makes it seem like you're trying to cover up actually not being very original.
I like the art, though. :D