the reason for the title is something I want everyone to guess at. It isn't finished yet, but I want some feedback before I write the ending. Just a fight scene, it's my first attempt at fiction for one of my worlds, so I'm looking for brutal critisism...though, if you like it, then please do tell too. :)
[ic=Forbidden]In the warm night air, the moonlight danced along the edge of Nyashiiâ,¬,,¢s blade, a falchion that gleamed like a silver fire in the darkness. She slowly slid it through the air, a gentle motion in the direction of her partner in this dance. The shadar she faced against raised his ebon blade vertically in front of his body, a slow grin forming under the shadows that cloaked his face. â,¬Å"Are you ready, child of the moon?â,¬Â Nyashii gave only the slightest nod, but a slight smile played its way across her lips.
The two ran at each other, and the dance began. Their blades hummed gently through the air, a sound harshly contrasted by the cacophony created when their blades met. The shadar was fast, dipping into the shadows to cloak his movements from Nyashiiâ,¬,,¢s eyes, putting her on the defensive. She had the advantage, though, as the moon that gleamed overhead was nearly full. She merely needed the right opening.
The shadar knew this, and wasnâ,¬,,¢t giving her such an opening. A muttered word and wave of his hand caught her off guard, and she wavered as the cloying darkness played on the edge of her mind, reminding her of the ultimate futility of her battle, that should she fell this one, another and then another would come, and she would fall, the darkness would take her and those she lovedâ,¬Â¦she was coldâ,¬Â¦so cold
A scream of primal fury burst from her throat, and she flung her hand towards the creature. Thousands of sparkling motes of light filled the air, engulfing the shadar and outlining his form, denying him the shadows he used so well. His hand covered his eyes, allowing him to maintain his sight, but he was still momentarily off balance. â,¬Å"Ready to fight me like a true warrior, or keep skulking in the shadows like the coward you are?â,¬Â she taunted. In response, he silently charged her and lunged with his blade. She met his blow with a parry, bringing up their blades between them. They stood there, locked in a deadly embrace. She could feel ice-cold beads of sweat run down her face, and could almost smell the same on her adversary. His face was only inches from hers, so close she could see through the shadows that veiled his faceâ,¬Â¦[/ic]
No ending, yet. Thatâ,¬,,¢ll be coming later, if people want to know how the battle ends. This is more an exercise in playing with my writing style, refining that some. Thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
It is really good. Your similies and descriptions really paint the scene. You may want to touch on more of the senses. You stick with sight alot, but what smells float in the air? What do the blades feel like in their hands? Is the night air cool or humid?
Thanks, and i'll pay attention to that some more. I'm adding in other senses right now, thanks for the feedback. :D
Oh, and question: do you want to know what happens next (IE, does the story make you want more?)
Updated to add more sensory information. :D
A definite improvement. Now in the immortal words of mortal combat: "FINISH HIM!"
QuoteYour similies and descriptions really paint the scene.
Smileys really paint the scene? (Insert functional :paint: smiley here.)
Oh,
similies, not smileys! That's what I get for reading too fast.
On a less silly note, a few comments about the story:
It's an interesting scene. I'd like to know more about who these characters are and why they are fighting, though. A fight scene by itself can sometimes seem a bit detached.
Also, a cacophony is more of a sustained noise of disperate parts, like that of a bunch of rowdy kids playing or an orchestra tuning its instruments. I suspect that there's a synonym for "cacophony" that better describes the sharper, less-jumbled sound of two blades striking one another.
But overall, an interesting little fight scene.
I find that this sort of scenes really stands or falls with its ending. I feel like I can't judge this properly until you finished it.