I've started writing an RPG supplement, based largely on my online game (http://www.ageoffable.net), and intended for self-publication.
Here's a link to my notes, for feedback: http://www.apolitical.info/private/teleleli
Thanks,
James.
Hey great game!
Ah, I remember that game- it was fun. I didn't realize the connection till I read:
QuoteThe Courage-Seller
Phoedocia is a hideous creature of unknown type, somewhat resembling a cross between a skeleton and a grasshopper (although the size of a man).
She is the only example of her kind, other than her cousin (see The Memory-Buyer below).
The two creatures' voices are like that of women, but supremely calm in all situations.
She has a shop where she buys and sells courage. It is extracted from sellers in the blood, which Phoedocia sucks out of the arm of the seller and spits into a pot. This pot grows flowers, which when eaten grant courage to buyers.
The courage of women is particularly intoxicating, and the buyer should take care, lest they develop a taste that they cannot control, and become a heroine addict.
Which was one of the most interesting parts about the online game.
Heroine addicts? Hah!
Anti-Dwarves? Hah!
This, my friend, is ridiculous. (and also very disturbing)
I salute you.
EDIT: my favourite part of the game is when your character dies and on the right hand side you can see that his stats are now empty. That's somehow very chilling.
Thanks everyone. I've added some new notes to it.
Anyone have more detailed feedback?
PS #39, what's the origin of the fantasy quote in your signature?
The origin? I guess my own irritation.
I'll give some feedback once I've digested all the strangeness you've just supplied.
Dude, How'd I miss you being here? Now you know I've been to busy. I'll do some more playesting.
Okay, no dense feedback here, just my gut response to the material: you have some lovely, endearingly well thought out stuff here like the calendar, weather, materials, weapons, all conveyed in such a way that they contribute to the life of the setting.
Your humour is great, and seems most evocative when it is quirky, nudge-and-wink humour rather than the more overtly irreverent fourth-wall mashing.
Which is not to say that any of your stuff is dull or unfunny, only that there is a pretty kick-arse setting in the making that is unfortunately diluted by an inconsistent tone.
I'd give a more solid review at this point but the constant shifting from the compellingly strange to the overtly, consciously humorous prevents me from getting a solid impression.
EDIT:
To put it another way, if there were no jokes in it all all, I would absolutely love this setting. If it was totally, unswervingly satirical and ridiculous, I would love it then, too. Right now it's in a strange in-between place, and I'm not sure.
Can you give some examples of bits that are too overtly humourous?
Off the top of my head: Grot bushes, the names of the inns, grumpy old ones, anti-dwarves, The Isle of Sour Grapes, and Badum-Tish.
The only reason I can recall them straight away is because I found them hilarious. That's both commendable and very distracting, especially when there are other fantastic elements (plenty, in fact) that make me go "why didn't I think of that?"
Seven questions and some (I hope) constructive criticism.
1) What does a demon of taste look like?
2) The Isle of Short Trees '" a capitalist critique or just a cool, absurd sort of place?
3) The Labyrinth of Eyasa reminds me of the novel House of Leaves. Do beings from the other worlds occasionally launch expeditions into Teleleli's?
4) Speaking of the world more generally, does the planet/plane have a name (I might have missed this)?
5) What are you seeing as the likely playable races in this setting?
6) Are Hungry Houses mobile? Their cousins, the Wandering Ruins, seem to imply they are. How does this work? What do these creatures look like when not in House/Ruin form?
7) About the Isle of Chains'¦ what does it mean that the 'custom' declares that the seventh child shall be neither male nor female? Are they mutilated after birth, or is every seventh child a biological hermaphrodite?
In general, this is an interesting and extremely colourful world. Occasionally some elements seem like they might be difficult to integrate into a role-playing experience, but an imaginative/creative DM could probably overcome any difficulties.
While I get a very vivid 'feel' for atmosphere of the city of Teleleli I don't get as much of a sense of its geography or politics (though maybe I missed this '" there is a lot of information!). How is the city divided up? Is there a big gap between rich and poor? Is there a caste structure, or is class mobility possible? Is Teleleli a theocracy? A monarchy? Something stranger?
The numerous allusions to diving are intriguing'¦ seeing more of the underwater world would be great.
Overall this is an amazingly detailed and extremely imaginative world - great job!
Quote from: Steerpike3) The Labyrinth of Eyasa reminds me of the novel House of Leaves.
oh....my.....god...
I forgot about that book...
Quote from: Steerpike1) What does a demon of taste look like?
Haven't put that up yet - maybe a giant tongue?
Quote from: Steerpike3) The Labyrinth of Eyasa reminds me of the novel House of Leaves. Do beings from the other worlds occasionally launch expeditions into Teleleli's?
5) What are you seeing as the likely playable races in this setting?[/quote]7) About the Isle of Chains'¦ what does it mean that the 'custom' declares that the seventh child shall be neither male nor female? Are they mutilated after birth, or is every seventh child a biological hermaphrodite?[/quote]While I get a very vivid 'feel' for atmosphere of the city of Teleleli I don't get as much of a sense of its geography or politics (though maybe I missed this '" there is a lot of information!). How is the city divided up? Is there a big gap between rich and poor? Is there a caste structure, or is class mobility possible? Is Teleleli a theocracy? A monarchy? Something stranger?[/quote]Overall this is an amazingly detailed and extremely imaginative world - great job![/quote]
Thanks! And thanks for your feedback.
Quote from: #39Off the top of my head: Grot bushes, the names of the inns, grumpy old ones, anti-dwarves, The Isle of Sour Grapes, and Badum-Tish.
The only reason I can recall them straight away is because I found them hilarious. That's both commendable and very distracting, especially when there are other fantastic elements (plenty, in fact) that make me go "why didn't I think of that?"
Thanks. I'm still in the stage of transferring my notes to the webpage, so I'm going to leave these bits up there for now, with the intention of returning to this once I've uploaded everything - it looks like I'm going to easily go over my intended word count, so there'll be editing down to do.
[blockquote=Age of Fable]Which ones in particular?[/blockquote]Some of the whackier stuff that #39/Salacious Angel mentioned, or some of the stranger locations outside of Teleleli (for example, the Halls of Ulfar). I do think that all of those elements could be integrated and GMed correctly, but some of them would be challenging. That's not necessarily a bad thing, though. One of my latest projects is riddled with what I'd expect would be similarly difficult-to-GM locations (like a town where everyone speaks in rhymes).
...I don't see much wrong with Badum-Tish other than the proverb. Yes, I know the phrase badum-tish, but it's not a deal-breaker for me at least. I sort of like the name for a city where the Hollow Mockeries make their living.
but: "Don't Talk Like A Pirate Day: " probably needs to be cut.
Quote from: Light Dragonbut: "Don't Talk Like A Pirate Day: " probably needs to be cut.
What if it was called something else, eg 'Talk Like A Gentleman Day'?
A festival where pirates imitate/satirise the gentry seems to me to be something that could really happen.
That would likely be a much better name.
OK - I've noted it.
I'm reading through your Teleleli website right now, and unfortunately I instantly saw a problem.
Is your use of the word Forward for Foreward intentional? If so, why?
Also, might you be able to write a more appetizing version of your section on the calender. I found it easy to read through everything else leading up to that section, yet when I touched it I felt like I had to skip it. Maybe it's because it's so mechanical a reality that I didn't feel that I needed to know anything that it could teach.
I like your use of voice by the way, turning your supplement into one big fictional account of a fictional character is wonderful form. More people should do it. I do it, and I enjoy it.
Apart from that, I need to read on more.
One more thing, might you try a more organized format for this? Like say, putting a table of contents or something. It's tiring to read just one continuous scroll of information. Certain sections must have a sense of finality to them, just so the reader could rest his mind, his efforts, and his expectations.
Other than that, I like your worldbuilding, and your online game, although it was terribly unforgiving on me. It feels as if the only ending one could get from the game was to die, not win, die. It was as if the entire point was to keep clicking until you die, it only ends if you die. If you don't die, keep on trucking.
I also approve of your use of technology and shaping it to fit your vision of the setting. I would still have to complete my read-through to see if everything fits though, but so far it is looking to be quite a good piece of work.
Good job.
Quote from: Teh_AzIs your use of the word Forward for Foreward intentional? If so, why?
oops. Changed it.
Quote from: Teh_AzAlso, might you be able to write a more appetizing version of your section on the calender.
How could I make it easier to read?
Quote from: Teh_AzOne more thing, might you try a more organized format for this? Like say, putting a table of contents or something. It's tiring to read just one continuous scroll of information.
I intend to have a table of contents in the actual book. All the references in a format like '(see
Farther Locations below)' will be changed to page numbers; for example '(p42)'.
>>The sage Hekabe, called Hekabe the Unbelievable, claimed that every hundred years or so cats gather in this disused park, and shed their skins to reveal their true forms.
Perhaps you could explain what their true forms are?
Principally, I don't know how your could write your calender section better. It was just so mechanical and complicated a fact that I just skipped it because it didn't seem all that important. I guess this is a personal preference on my part. I dislike having anything to do with complex non-terran time schemes.
I will try to find out how you could write it better though, right after I finish appreciating the rest of your supplement. I love your use of the Courage-Seller and Memory-Seller. I think they are the most unique creatures I've encountered in roleplaying so far. I also like the layout you had for these creatures. You kept it short enough to keep the readers attention, yet long enough to tell exactly what needed be known.
Maybe if it was moved to an appendix?
I really like the calender and personally don't mind its position.
A few questions (not so much critical ones so much as things I'm curious about/could improve the setting):
1) How does spellcasting work in this setting? Is there a distinction between arcane and divine as in classic D&D? Is there a classic Vancian setup to magic, or some other mechanism?
2)I can imagine the sorts of adventures that might go on in the setting, but some adventure seeds/ideas might give readers a better idea of what adventuring feels like in Teleleli and realms beyond.
3) I very much like the idea of the Age Spirits but I have trouble envisioning them. What might one look/act like?
Quote from: Teh_AzI love your use of the Courage-Seller and Memory-Seller. I think they are the most unique creatures I've encountered in roleplaying so far. I also like the layout you had for these creatures. You kept it short enough to keep the readers attention, yet long enough to tell exactly what needed be known.
:whoa: Thanks!
Quote from: SteerpikeHow does spellcasting work in this setting? Is there a distinction between arcane and divine as in classic D&D? Is there a classic Vancian setup to magic, or some other mechanism?
Since it's systemless, it would just work based on whatever rules were used.
Quote from: SteerpikeI can imagine the sorts of adventures that might go on in the setting, but some adventure seeds/ideas might give readers a better idea of what adventuring feels like in Teleleli and realms beyond.
I was trying to put adventure hooks in (for example trying to track down the truth behind the Court of Miracles, or the disappearing Pony Express riders). Originally I was going to have adventure hooks marked as such, but this doesn't work with presenting it as a traveller's account. Any ideas on what I could do?
Quote from: SteerpikeI very much like the idea of the Age Spirits but I have trouble envisioning them. What might one look/act like?
I've re-written this section. Is it better/clearer now?
I have a better conception of how the Age Spirits work now, yeah.
I don't have a genius way of incorporating adventure hooks, but you mentioned maybe adding an appendix, so that could work.
One more suggestion, tiniest detail alone, why not add John Bull tot he personifications of England for your Age Spirits?
Are Americans familiar with John Bull?
>>. Originally I was going to have adventure hooks marked as such, but this doesn't work with presenting it as a traveller's account. Any ideas on what I could do?
You could do it this way
"things things things.
RUMOURS/ADVENTURES
* And then one time I saw this: ADVENTURE HOOK.
* Another rumor I heard was that people one time did this : ADVENTURE HOOK."
It's a little clunky, but it could serve to address the concern Steerpike raised.
Good idea, thanks.
This is very much in detail, which I like. Unfortunately, I came up with enough thoughts to give a somewhat decent review just by reading the tech section.
First off, while it's something I typically try to avoid in my own work, I really like the narrative style and direct comparisons to the real world. It suits this setting well, somehow. Your use of puns is nice, too. This really made me laugh!
Catapults as transportation? This I'd really love to see! I can only imagine the experience for the travelers...
You had quite a bit of interesting stuff on swords. Are multi-toothed swords more expensive than those with only one type of tooth? Would those legendary vampire/dragon/etc. swords have a second set of teeth on them, as a backup?
I do like the glass/ceramic approach, too. One thing to consider is that, while both sharp, neither of these materials are strong enough on their own to make lasting weapons. Are these one-time jab-n-shatter weapons, or do they have some structural reinforcement to help them last? Historical glass/ceramic/obsidian swords were closer in design to your tooth swords.
Final thoughts: Raggedy Androids... heh...
Thanks again. I've clarified the section on swords based on your feedback.
Last call for any feedback!
Not directly related, but AoF please note that I sent you a private message a few weeks ago that logs for me as still unread.
Re: "Library of Am-Kesh" classification system at the bottom of your page... points 3 and 4 are interesting.
Oops. Thanks for that, I hadn't noticed it. I replied just then.