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Occult Underground: An Introduction.

Started by Bordermarcher, January 27, 2012, 02:32:28 PM

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Bordermarcher

January 27, 2012, 02:32:28 PM
[ooc]I know this is only a criminally-short 200 words, but I wanted to put up the introduction to the setting I've been working so that I could get the input of more veteran writers before I start adding the rest of it after class. In case it's not obvious, it's painfully self-aware urban fantasy/horror. Yes, the language is kinda vulgar, but that's an intentional decision to try and capture the irreverence and anger that are going to be major themes of the setting.[/ooc]

There's a secret world you didn't even know existed.

Yeah, how many times have you heard that before? The same recycled crackpot conspiracy-theory paranoid-schizophrenic bullshit about the invisible monsters living in the shadows of every major metropolitan area. Those card-carrying members of the Tinfoil Hat Society forgetting their antipsychotics and claiming they say ran into Bigfoot or a werewolf or the cross-dressing ghost of J. Edgar Hoover way out in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. That worn-out wannabe New Age neopagan spiel saying that magic really does exist and you can unlock your own mystic potential if you buy this book for just three easy payments of 19.99! You'd have to be an idiot or insane to believe any of that garbage.

Well fuck you, because it's true.

Everywhere, in every single city mankind ever built since the day we first ventured out of the cave, things have been lurking in the shadows our lizard brains still tell us to be terrified of. Monsters. Do I need to break this down for you? Do you not watch TV? Because this shit should really be self-explanatory by now. Witches. Vampires. Ghosts. Psychics. Spirits. Faeries. Werewolves. Dragons.

Welcome to the Occult Underground, motherfucker.

Don't you know there's a war on?

Xathan

#1
January 27, 2012, 02:39:01 PM
Quote from: Queen of Quiet
[ooc]I know this is only a criminally-short 200 words, but I wanted to put up the introduction to the setting I've been working so that I could get the input of more veteran writers before I start adding the rest of it after class. In case it's not obvious, it's painfully self-aware urban fantasy/horror. Yes, the language is kinda vulgar, but that's an intentional decision to try and capture the irreverence and anger that are going to be major themes of the setting.[/ooc]

First of all, welcome to the boards (Well, you've been here for a bit, but welcome to posting.)! I'm Xathan, and I'm the local setting inquisitor - hope you enjoy your stay! Also, as a brief aside, I love, love, LOVE urban fantasy and have been waiting for an active urban fantasy setting on these boards, so I'm stoked to review this. :)

Quote
There's a secret world you didn't even know existed.

Yeah, how many times have you heard that before? The same recycled crackpot conspiracy-theory paranoid-schizophrenic bullshit about the invisible monsters living in the shadows of every major metropolitan area. Those card-carrying members of the Tinfoil Hat Society forgetting their antipsychotics and claiming they say ran into Bigfoot or a werewolf or the cross-dressing ghost of J. Edgar Hoover way out in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. That worn-out wannabe New Age neopagan spiel saying that magic really does exist and you can unlock your own mystic potential if you buy this book for just three easy payments of 19.99! You'd have to be an idiot or insane to believe any of that garbage.

This is awesome. I like the way it sets the tone - it feels like there's half of a conversation going on here, and the reader is having the other half. You have a great way of writing it where it makes the reader feel like the person is responding to what they're saying.

QuoteWell fuck you, because it's true.

Everywhere, in every single city mankind ever built since the day we first ventured out of the cave, things have been lurking in the shadows our lizard brains still tell us to be terrified of. Monsters. Do I need to break this down for you? Do you not watch TV? Because this shit should really be self-explanatory by now. Witches. Vampires. Ghosts. Psychics. Spirits. Faeries. Werewolves. Dragons.

I've always loved the phrase "lizard brains" in reference to the human subconscious, so props for using it. Where I'm a bit confused is where this should be self-explanatory - do you mean we should know what these things are, that they exist, or something else?

QuoteWelcome to the Occult Underground, motherfucker.

Don't you know there's a war on?

Horrific monsters? Mages? Secret Wars? Occult Underground? You, Sir/Madam, have me thoroughly hooked - I cannot wait to see more from this.

Any particular type of feedback you'd like?

[/quote]
AnIndex of My Work

Quote from: Sparkletwist
It's llitul and the brain, llitul and the brain, one is a genius and the other's insane
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[/spoiler]

Ghostman

#2
January 27, 2012, 04:30:45 PM
That in-your-face attitude is what made that short blurb catch my interest. I think therein lies potential to make this setting stand out.
¡ɟlǝs ǝnɹʇ ǝɥʇ ´ʍopɐɥS ɯɐ I

Paragon * (Paragon Rules) * Savage Age (Wiki) * Argyrian Empire [spoiler=Mother 2]

* You meet the New Age Retro Hippie
* The New Age Retro Hippie lost his temper!
* The New Age Retro Hippie's offense went up by 1!
* Ness attacks!
SMAAAASH!!
* 87 HP of damage to the New Age Retro Hippie!
* The New Age Retro Hippie turned back to normal!
YOU WON!
* Ness gained 160 xp.
[/spoiler]

Bordermarcher

#3
January 27, 2012, 04:41:18 PM
Quote from: Xathan Back AgainWhere I'm a bit confused is where this should be self-explanatory - do you mean we should know what these things are, that they exist, or something else?

That was my way of making a dig at the prevalence of "hidden worlds of occult monsters" in modern media and how it seems like a lot of them exist in universes where those genres don't exist.


Quote from: Xathan Back AgainAny particular type of feedback you'd like?

At this point, just a general opinion of my writing style and any thoughts/suggestions you might have on where to go, what to include in the setting.

Humabout

#4
January 27, 2012, 04:51:15 PM
Feels kind of WoD/nWoD, so far.  I'm certainly interested in where this goes, especially since I just finished reading Storm Front and can't wait to get my hands on the rest of the series.  I've got no more feedback than's been given thus far, but if you have particular questions you'd like answered, ask away!  Eventually, I'll write up a 101 questions for you, too.  ;)
`\ o _,
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.< .\.
Starfall:  On the Edge of Oblivion

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