Editing Help: Campaign Setting Intro

[Mason]

[ooc]Hello, I can't seem to get this idea out in any sort of intelligible way. The basic premise is that a city has been built around the sleeping body of an ancient space monster that helped destroy Earths environment. The manifestations of it's dreams have altered the natural laws in the city giving humans psychic power, immense force, basically magic. At some point in the future the creature will wake up and shake off the city leaving mankind in a bad way. The tone feels wrong, the meaning and descriptions are muddy. Should I toss it or rewrite? How is the idea? I'm trying for a really original setting with potential for cosmic-level consequences later on. [/ooc]
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Millenia ago, Earth was set upon by enormous aberrant horrors from deepest space. They appeared slowly, from all directions of the universe. For decades we watched them surround the Earth at a constant speed. They ignored the natural laws of the universe, floating effortlessly through time and space. And then they descended while we stared wide eyed and slack jawed. 

To be fair, we did not know what they would do when they reached Earth. We had never encountered anything so unimaginable in our short existence . The creatures were massive, and there were dozens of them. The came to a stop only miles above the surface of the Earth. And we waited.

...and waited.

We shot weapons at them-a lot of weapons. The creatures were unscathed, and unresponsive. We blasted them with radiation, x-rays and gamma rays. The dragged their long tentacles over mountains and oceans and benignly crushed monuments of civilization. They blotted out the sun.

A decade passed. A century. Scientists began constructing permanent platforms around the creatures for further research. The most advanced technology in the world was hoarded and safeguarded on these quickly developing 'floating cities'. Five hundred years passed and the Earth began to change. Oceans surged and then dried up. Forests, billions of acres slowly receded. Mankind went to war for dwindling resources. Refugees flooded the research platforms, now the last cities of mankind. A millenia passed...
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and then a brief description of Kalopsia, the last city.
The city is slick lines, clean edges and cool lighting. Walkways with long, soft curves meander through carefully preened gardens of light green mosses and willows. Trickling water, backlit by beautiful blue lights soften the metallic walls and paths. But this is only one corridor, only one mezzanine. The city is massive and is the product of centuries of construction, alteration and forced planning.

The Apex, the Spires and the Towers house the Knights and Sorcerers-old families from the time before, grown rich with wealth and power, they fight and fuck with little regard for the common man. Far below the Criminal Underworld thrives; a market for flesh, drugs and tech, rigged arena matches and gambling dens. 

At the center of the city are the oldest corridors-the Dark Halls where the Ancients studied the Great Old One, sleeping beneath the steel super-structure. Priests of K'lah and R'lyeleh stalk the Dark Halls, moaning guttural prayers and listening for reply...

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[LoA]

Personally I would take what you have, and then go back and re-edit it while listening to a Lovecraft Audiobook or read some Lovecraft before going back and rewrite it. This isn't a bad start, but it is missing some flavor.

[Rose-of-Vellum]

I really like the macro-concept. The micro-execution is a bit bland/tame to me. I'd imagine a city built around/atop a Lovecraftian horror would have more bizarre architecture and culture. 

[LoA]

I really like the macro-concept. The micro-execution is a bit bland/tame to me. I'd imagine a city built around/atop a Lovecraftian horror would have more bizarre architecture and culture. 

This. This was what I was trying to say. It doesn't "feel" right.

[Mason]

Personally I would take what you have, and then go back and re-edit it while listening to a Lovecraft Audiobook or read some Lovecraft before going back and rewrite it. This isn't a bad start, but it is missing some flavor.

Yea flavor is off. It's all really bland. Maybe perspective from a character ? Like a vignette? I see what your getting at with reading some Lovecraft to get into the mood.

I really like the macro-concept. The micro-execution is a bit bland/tame to me. I'd imagine a city built around/atop a Lovecraftian horror would have more bizarre architecture and culture. 

That would be the Dark Halls closest to the city core (and the slumbering Old One) I will have to add some deeper descriptions of the innermost layers.

[Kindling]

More instances of the words "squamous," "cyclopean" and "non-euclydian" please :)

[Mason]

More instances of the words "squamous," "cyclopean" and "non-euclydian" please :)

How could I forget 'squamous'!? Is ululating still a thing?

[Weave]

More instances of the words "squamous," "cyclopean" and "non-euclydian" please :)

How could I forget 'squamous'!? Is ululating still a thing?

Dunno about ululating, but Nameless and Unutterable are still things. Definitely needs some Squamous, though.

[sparkletwist]

Maybe I'm just being contrary, but I sort of like the idea that you can write about Lovecraftian-ish cosmic horror without relying on the same set of words. :P

[LD]

It has a more Dead Space futuristic vibe. I tend more towards Sparkletwist's opinion- refinement of your own style in presenting the same idea could be interesting here. The terse wording in the sentences is appealing.

[Mason]

It has a more Dead Space futuristic vibe. I tend more towards Sparkletwist's opinion- refinement of your own style in presenting the same idea could be interesting here. The terse wording in the sentences is appealing.

I love me some Dead Space. There are certainly dark claustrophobic corridors to shit-your-pants thru in the city. At least that was the experience I had with DS. Thank you all for taking a look at my stuff. I've...not re-written anything yet. But I have written more for the setting.
[ic]
Kalopsia City Districts

Arena

The Arena quarter is an orgiastic miasma of pleasure palaces, fighting arenas and narcotics-dens. The city maintains the main Arena, called MARVEL. In the oval rings, mechs fight, mock-battles are fought and executions are staged. It is a thing of the masses but also of the nobility and industrialists, and criminal world. Gambling and corruption are all part of the scene.

Outside the Marvel are narrow streets packed with drug-dens, diners and bistros, NET-access ports and Criminal Dens. City Militia are wary to patrol the Arena quarter, but are not afraid to pursue and apprehend high-level threats. 

Bastion

Bastion houses the government facilities including the City Network Mainframes, The City Council buildings and Militia HQ. There are vast green lawns and reflecting pools. Nobles and city officials stroll along the concourse. Monuments and decorative trees dot the landscape. A handful of officials residences and manors are built along the waterway. A heavily guarded TRAM station connects Bastion to the other districts and a private hangar houses government vehicles.

COMS

The vast hub of NETWORK communications, servers and corporate headquarters is called COMS. A handful of temples have appeared over the centuries, a weird amalgamation of various religious architectural styles from ages past. This aesthetic has bled into the corporate buildings and server warehouses. A city canal and TRAM station run directly through COMS.

Highpool

The decadent paradise of the ruling elite. Highpool is centered around a vast artificial lake that is stocked with rare fishes and birds designed and engineered from DNA samples in the Guild Archives. Many of the Nobility of Kalopsia own manors overlooking the wide, dark lake. Bridges span the shallows and phosphorescent lights illuminate the smooth architecture.

But Highpool is not merely decorational, The Guild Archive is located on the center island. It is a heavily fortified bastion that houses all of the information collected since the birth of mankind. The cylindrical building is simply adorned, reaching high into the next city levels and far below into the lake. The soft orange glow of the lower level lights underwater can be seen as you approach on the single drawbridge.

Industry

The Hall of Industry houses some of the cities largest companies producing an assortment of consumer goods. The most important of which are rations and plasti-steel, the all important construction material of the city. Industry is located near the Residenz district.

Landfall

Landfall is the rarely used transport hub for the surface world. A relic from ages past, the great hangar has been taken over by the SCAVENGERS, a guild petitioning the city for official recognition, independent mercenaries, traders, merchants and criminals. A makeshift town has sprung up in Landfall, constructed of derelict ship parts, scavenged structures (from the surface) and stolen plasti-steel.

Network

Network is not a physical place in the city. It is the digital realm where information, commerce and elder magics coalesce. Over time, the Network has been over-run by hordes of hackers and users, criminals and malcontents. DEEPSERVER is a part of the network that has been infiltrated by Eldritch Magics, resulting in user madness, altered reality and anomalies. Priests around the city have attempted to understand the affect of magic on the NETWORK-but little progress has been made.
Citizens use the upper tiers of NETWORK for basic communication, commerce and entertainment. The city uses the middle-tiers, a slightly more secure area of NETWORK, for communications and accounting. Between Middle-network and DEEPSERVER is a small net used by criminals and malevolent hackers.

Residenz

The vast plasti-steel faced housing barracks of the working class. The low-level income earners live in the Residenz tenaments, ten story high grey faced and identical housing units. There are two City Militia barracks, public transport via TRAM and a handful of schools and stores. Most citizens rely on government ration stations for food and water. There is a wall between Residenz and the other non-industrial districts.
[/ic]

  I'm having a hard time reconciling the cyber-world with eldritch magic. I don't know much about shadowrun (I only ever played the SNES game) but it seemed like a good place to start with cyber-punk/magic...From what I can tell (didn't find an SRD anywhere) magic users and hackers are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Is there a way to mix dark sorcery and the use of computer Networks? Any examples in fiction/movies I might not be aware of?