How's my wrighting?

[the_taken]

I'm running a PbP game over on the WotC boards, and I'm just wondering if my writing could be more engaging? Are there any details that I'm skipping over that should be added?

http://boards1.wizards.com/showthread.php?t=775174

[Velox]

I suggest typing it up in a word processor before hand to take advantage of it's spell and grammar checking functions. Little details and errors like that are distracting for the reader. You've got alot of great ideas, and your writing style seems very natural and fluid, meaning it reminds me of how people talk. Be sure to define most of the terms you use, unless you really want to keep that mystery and keep the reader guessing "what is that?"

One thing that stood out was the forgotten nation who fought with the formorai against the necropolis. If this was long ago, people might have thought up a new name for them, such as "The Forgotten" or "The Lost" or "The Betrayers", something simple to refer to this memorable nation who betrayed and led to a great change in the worlds landscape.

Good stuff and good show. Keep it up!

[Stargate525]

I suggest typing it up in a word processor before hand to take advantage of it's spell and grammar checking functions. Little details and errors like that are distracting for the reader.

Alternately, if you use firefox, there is a plug-in that acts as a spell-checker for text boxes. It's not perfect, and it doesn't do grammar, but it helps quite a bit when typing.

[the_taken]

Got a new computer yesterday, and I just noticed the plug-in. Wow. That is helpful. Woah! Highlight the misspelled word then right-click it, and there's a bunch of suggested corrections. Too bad some of them suck. (buffered is suggested for reffered).

As for undefined terms, I have a tendency to get ahead of myself, or over think things. There's probably a bunch that I believe are self-explanatory, but many lesser minds would say "WTF is that?" Aside from the mysterious army that hated Mirafar, any terms that you think I should clarify?

As to the mysterious nation. NPCs don't really care who it was. There were people that hated Mirafar, but they don't have a name in any of the historical records, they just keep being referred to as the stuff like 'Mirafar's Enemy' or 'Mirafar's Rival'. No one cares. No one knows the fate of that nation either.

[SDragon]

On top of all that, be careful about using too much detail. If you go overboard, the players might start wondering if such details are common occurances, or if this is something even the PCs would find odd.

[spoiler=example]

I... uhh..... should I be worried about the critters running underfoot? or do they always do that?

Y'mean you don't know? But you're the druid! Oh crud, we're screwed, aren't we?[/quote]

[the_taken]

I'm not too worried about too much information. If you read further, I hand out a giant tomato patch to the druid. She's completely forgotten the fact that it's the first day of spring, which I mention in the first post.
I'll only put in relevant information. The sky is grey in and around the city, but a lovely blue on the plains.

[Velox]

Sometimes, occasionally, I like to hit the players with a little information overload. Sometimes, if you only mention the details relevant to the plot, they start to catch on to every detail as a plot device; leads to metagaming.

i.e. "He described the sky being grey, must mean there's something evil or undead in that city". I realize that IS the case in your game, but sometimes that reaction is undesireable.

[Pazas]

Sometimes, occasionally, I like to hit the players with a little information overload. Sometimes, if you only mention the details relevant to the plot, they start to catch on to every detail as a plot device; leads to metagaming.

Information overload does not mean that. Or at least from a novel writing point of view, in which case it means giving the reader to much information at one time and consequently turning them off or loosing there interest. It's a similar term to Info Dump, both of which are usually negative.

As for your writing style, it seems pretty well developed. There are some minor kinks but they are more the type of things that one has to iron out them self rather than as a group effort./ (No teacher like experience.) The only improvements I could really suggest are adding weaknesses. As you have it, you tend to use absolutes and purely positive traits. This lends itself to flat and two dimensional characters and settings, due to the fact that there seems to be no risk, among other things. For example as opposed to

Mirafar was the grandest and most prosperous of all the cities in the world, and the largest necropolis of all time.

it might be better to leave some question as to the greatness. ie: Mirafar was without question one of the most prosperous settlements on this side of the known world, so much so in fact that the mega-necropolis was sprawled out across more land than any single man could properly rule. Which was why a Lich held the throne. Also there are several things, (such as a Lich ruling), that seem to be overdone or cliche, but as long as you handle it with care that shouldn't be a problem. One thing though when you say Vampire Ninjas, it doesn't come off well as ninjas have been in ground in popular culture as the Asian fellas, so rouge or "trained in the art of stealth" might work better, unless you want them to be seen as shruriken carrying and swathed in black clothe. Of course that is more from a story writing stand point than role playing, but oh well.

Just some friendly advice - Pazas