Notes on a Novel

[Ariel Hapzid]

As Kap'n Xeviat can attest, I have been working on an interesting concept for a novel now for some time. For now, I'm calling this the Twilight Falling project.

Twilight Falling

When a company of mercenaries are moving through a lifeless star system, an energy wave collides into them, rendering their Warp Core dormant. The ship drifts into a nearby planet's atmosphere. No longer capable of faster than light travel, they land the ship and discover a world of primitives.

One of the tribes, calling themselves the Eltanin, live on an ancient and ruined "city". What they refer to as the "City of the Ancients" is actually an old Star Cruiser, just the kind of ship the Mercenaries would need to get off the planet.

Naturally, there are many obstacles in their way: Most of the cruiser's core components have been ripped out and traded as trinkets to other tribes. A survivor of the crash returns with an army of mutants in the hopes of taking the ship for himself. Finally, the mercenary crew must learn to trust one another, as an alliance which should have lasted only one job turns into cooperation for survival. [note]The Headhunters:[/note]  

 [spoiler]Magog
A combat cyborg who gave up any vestiges of humanity a long time ago. Today, all that survives is his brain, which is encased in a duranium skull. He stands 7 feet tall and bristles with weaponry. His ordinance includes a heavy plasma rifle, a vibro sword that slides from his fore arm, incredible strength, and other hidden modifications. He is the leader of the mercenary band, calling them Headhunters. He employs the scum of the galaxy for various odd jobs. [/spoiler]
 [spoiler]The Doctor
Naturally, every band of thugs is going to get shot or blown up, and they are going to need some fixing up. That's where the good Doctor comes in, a man who lost his license to practice a long time ago, he now follows Magog's crew repairing any faulty Bionics and sewing them up. However, The Doctor also has a darker side. He enjoys experimenting with medications, creating newer and more intense bionics, and other unsavory medical practices. He has been known to shoot one of his friends with a rage inducing psychotropic drug in the middle of battle just to see what will happen. [/spoiler]
 [spoiler]Ghost
Ghost is going to be one of the very main characters. She comes from a agriplanet that supplied foodstuffs for three star systems. She grew up hunting and tracking, and the first chance she got she left her dirtball  planet in the search of adventure. She uses two vibroblades, a brace of pistols, and most interestingly a compound longbow with an array of explosive or duranium tipped arrows. Think of her like Green Arrow in space![/spoiler]  

That's it for now, soon I'll share some of my notes for Archon the Telekinetic, Warlock the Telepath, and Splicer the engineer

[XXsiriusXX]

A very interesting start, I look forward to see what you come up with and how it continues.

[Raelifin]

Honestly I'm not very impressed. Try not to take that the wrong way. I mean, all you've got are a few notes, and I'm not much of a fan of sci-fantasy.

1. What is subject of the story? What changes? When I read the opening, I thought that the plot involved the contents of the Star Cruiser -- perhaps a long-lost item of significance. But then you change the subject to how the mercs get off the planet. The problem with this is that there's no meaningful reason that they're on the planet. You give no explanation to the energy wave, so it's not a story about conflict with a nemesis. Finally, you describe the central conflict revolving around the relationships within the crew. If this is the subject of the book, shouldn't more of these notes be on the evolution of such relationships?

2. The characters are fun from an RPG standpoint, but not nearly fleshed out enough for a novel. Yes, I understand that we're talking about basic notes, but I want to see personality in my character bios, not "Green Arrow in space!"

3. "Why" needs to be asked on so many levels. Why, for instance, does the crash survivor need to retake the ship? Why are there mutants on the planet? Why now?

Just a general question: Why is it named "Twilight Falling"?

Good luck. :)

"He only profits from praise who values criticism."
 - Heinrich Heine

EDIT: Oh, and I'll add a bit of conset philosophy: What are the underlying ideas or philosophical nuggets which you hope to convey with the story? I ask simply because I find that stating these things can often help decide what to prioritize in terms of plot, setting, & characters.

[Ariel Hapzid]

wellp Raelifin, the story was never meant to impress anyone, I write it for me. and since you're not a fan of the particular genre I don't think I could sell it to you.

First and foremost, the title was something random I just found that isn't a book already. I'm thinking instead of calling it "The Eltan Campaign"

The story is about aggressive warfare, what happens when one country invades another country for no better reason then political desires. We've seen that with Russia and Georgia, and most politicians are saying they are disappointed in Russia because "Invasions should not exist in the 21st century". My story is about a legion of very technologically advanced soldiers who invade a planet who's technological advances have taken them a different route. The Eltanin (who were originally very primitive) have discovered a way to genetically alter themselves, creating mutants (the kind you see in X-Men) their whole society is built upon it. Now, this epic will start out from the point of view of a group of outsiders, completely neutral to the inherent conflict between invader and defender, eventually this group will splinter and sides will be chosen.

More notes on Ghost: Ghost is strong and independent. She usually walks the outside rim of a fight and picks off whoever looks the most important with her sniper rifle. She escaped a dull life on an agriculture planet to live a life of adventure and excitement, and is finding it less then what she envisioned. To illustrate these points, I plan on writing a small "origins" for her.

Ghost meets Magog when he comest to her planet on a job, looking for a group of fugitives who are lying low in the forests near her home. She follows him, quietly stalking him for 2 hours, when he finally finds his prey's cave. He quickly dispatches with them, but one of the bounties gets the jump on him and has a pistol to his head. She pulls out her hunting bow and saves Magog. As a price for saving his life, she convinces him to take her with him.

Eventually, she will be separated from Magog on this planet. Side with the Eltanin, who will use their mutation causing machine on her. To the Eltanin, your power designates your caste in society, the Super Strong become Warriors, etc. etc. Those who mutate above and beyond everyone else become royalty and rule over the Eltanin. Ghost is one of the people who are genetically set to develop more powers and become royalty.

If you have ever read a Warhammer 40,000 novel, this will be a lot like that. Gritty war. If that's not your liking, then you won't like it. :D

"Don't criticize what you don't understand, son. You never walked in that man's shoes."
-Elvis Presley

[Stargate525]

wellp Raelifin, the story was never meant to impress anyone, I write it for me. and since you're not a fan of the particular genre I don't think I could sell it to you.

If that's your motivation, you shouldn't need to, want to, or have to sell it to anyone.

That being said, I am a fan of the sci-fi genre, and I also see several holes in this story.

So the warp core also powers their maneuvering thrusters? Communications? Where did the energy wave come from? Why can't they simply just salvage what they need from the crashed cruiser, instead of taking it wholesale?

In the second post, you seem to have revamped the entirety of the primitives. they're now advanced genetic engineers. This means that they probably are well aware of what the ancient city is. If they aren't, why not?

Why is the walking war machine the leader of the band? He's a tough; there's no indication that he's got the brains to back this up. He sounds like a character someone would crank out for a hack-n-slash campaign.

The Doctor simply seems like a human version of Voyager's Doctor with his ethics removed (the name might be a nudge in that direction, but still...)

And Ghost is just... Gimmicky, I guess, is the most appropriate word. No one who knows anything about fencing will use two weapons, excepting one as a parrying or defensive tool. I can only assume those arrows are contact explosives? What happens when she gets jostled too hard or, God forbid, she wants to do something other than blow up the target? How do the explosives affect the balance of the arrows? Why is an advanced spacefaring race still using compound bows?

Below, you go more on Ghost. She seems incredibly Mary Sue. Not only is she smart, of humble origins, powerful, and emotionally strong, turns out she's going to be royalty too!

Where are these mercenaries from? What are the two side in this upcoming conflict? How is a single planet going to be any match against a spacefaring, assumedly multi-planet or multi-system body? How do the primitives do this genetic modification without extensive knowledge of biology, physics, and chemistry?

[Raelifin]

wellp Raelifin, the story was never meant to impress anyone, I write it for me. and since you're not a fan of the particular genre I don't think I could sell it to you.

Fair enough. I will say that regardless of intent, an impressive story should probably at least be a goal, simply for the sake of doing one's best.

Gritty war. If that's not your liking, then you won't like it.

No one who knows anything about fencing will use two weapons, excepting one as a parrying or defensive tool.[/quote]She seems incredibly Mary Sue.[/quote]What are the two side in this upcoming conflict?[/quote]@Willet:[/b] This question is a major indicator of how much you need to talk about the central conflict.

@Stargate: I think the two sides are the invading mutant army and the native city dwellers.

[Stargate525]

I said Sci-Fantasy, by the way. I just wanted to clarify that I am a sci-fi fan. :)

Forgive, forgive...

Three words: Case of Rapiers.
Oh, and Hyōhō Niten Ichi-ryū (Wakizashi & Katana).

Point and you're wrong.  

The Case of rapiers in my quick search, I couldn't find any use of the style outside of tournament play.

The Wakizashi was a backup weapon, not use simultaneously with the Katana (which, by the way, is two-handed). Carrying two weapons I understand. Using them both at the same time, no.

[Nomadic]

On the two weapons fighting thing if the vibroblades are anything like the ones seen in the star wars EU then they are more like daggers or dirks then full on swords. So not hard to use in a two weapon fighting technique.

Though personally I would make one of them akin to a Jitte in that she uses it to disarm and parry. I can attest though to the Wakizashi and Katana issue as having held a Katana I can say that it would be very difficult to use it solely one handed. They aren't exactly the lightest of weapons.

[Ariel Hapzid]

ok, to answer these questions:

First, I will have to research Warp Core technology more, possibly pick up a few books on the subject from Barnes and Noble or see if I could buy some college textbooks.

I did change the primitives to genetic engineers, however I'm not sure yet if this means that they really know what it means. As a thought, this race may have been enslaved by an incredibly powerful species (like the Goa'uld often do) and experimented on. I imagined a huge ancient looking platform that blasts you with radiation, now that the slave masters are gone, this may have become a form of ritual or religion. A plague may have ended it for those old masters, leaving everything behind for their minions to pick up.

The war-machine is the leader of the band because he's just a brain. All that survived of Magog was his brain, which is encased in steel now. He was smartish before, now he's got the benefits of having a super computer as part of his skeletal structure. He's the brains because I just could not see why someone who could rip a human in half would listen to one. I may not have mentioned some of that, but it's how I intend the character. He's a lot like Megatron, intelligent, manipulative, and goal driven.

I guess it's really because of his name "Doctor" because I don't think I called him a hologram. I pictured more of a Dr. Morreau type, or Dr. Frankenstein. The kind of guy who likes to play God, who feels powerful when he brings a life back from the clutches of death, and who is not afraid to taste a little of prescriptions.

Ghost's Gimicks: She would normally never get into a fencing situation, and since she's already carrying a quiver, compound bow, and possibly a sniper rifle I figured a chainsaw sword was a little much. They're really just long knives, and I could cut that down to one. The Bow was just an idea, but not one I'm attached to. I think a Sniper Rifle would make more "sense" but I feel it would be too bland.

The character idea for Ghost was just how she's going to grow. She starts out mousy and quiet, but eventually grows out of it. And if that's Mary Sue, then I'm guilty as charged.

The first faction, (the invaders) are the 101st Hellions, a Legion of soldiers from a megalopolis planet looking to expand. Lead by Colonel Justus Rydell, who hopes to make his name by conquering this planet for the crown. The Eltanin live in the ruins of their former master's cities (and starships :D) they are in transition of figuring out how the left behind technology works. It's mostly still operational, so things like the guns, the tanks, things like that are still good. Eventually the Eltanin are going to be faced with the fact that their stuff is running out of power.

Now, I really hope the name Justus Rydell doesn't make anyone think of Bobby Rydell.
 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bobby_Rydell

[Ariel Hapzid]

anyways, I'm done posting my notes here this really isn't helping me. I have a nice fat notebook full of notes, and if I were to spend my time putting them all into the CBG, then that'd be time I could spend writing more notes. So sorry to waste everyone's time!

and who cares if she has two swords or not? maybe she has an extra knife to make her look cool and tough since she's in a band of mercenaries. The spare could be her "dress knife" for special occasions. Or just in case she loses one.

[Nomadic]

Its only a Mary Sue if she doesn't have any faults (and never needs help or rescue). Faults are good though as they give a platform for character development.

[Ariel Hapzid]

So would you say a character like Red Sonja is a Mary Sue since she never needs help or rescue?

[Nomadic]

Wouldn't know as I don't know who Red Sonja is. :P