A chickpea indigestion's nightmare

[Cap. Karnaugh]

A funny, light reading. Pardon the foul language...(please, delete this thread if it is too offensive)

[TRANSLATED FROM SPANISH. ORIGINAL AUTHOR: El Gran Batracio Verde]

A chickpea indigestion's nightmare


[KNOCK, KNOCK!]

-Who is it?
-Mr Mayor, I've seen the sign at the door of the inn asking for adventurers to clean the Cave of the Fighting Crabs and I volunteered. I'm a wizard.
-I'm aware of it, just by looking at you. ¿Have you seen yourself, you little crap? ¿What's your armor? Don't tell me. With Dexterity, Wizard's armor and shield...23, right?
-¿Impressive, huh?
-¿Do you actually think there's gonna be a single combat, or that the crabs are going to give you a chance to cast spells? ¿What are you going to do when the effect of the armor wears off, smart boy? ¿Going full-defense by rolling on the floor? ¿Shoot with your tiny crossbow?
-Man, I'll improvise something. Besides, I can make scrolls and have tons of spells.
-The DM is going to take care of wetting them. Besides, you only know how to use a shitty stick and with your Strength of 8 you ain't doing much.¿You know how to climb?
-No.
-Well, get the hell out of here before a make up a wall for you and you break your kneck trying to climb it.
...

-Who's know?
-I'm a sorcerer.
-Another dancer. Let me see, sucker, ¿haven't you heard what I said to the other one?
-Yes, but I know how to use more weapons and cast more spells.
-More spells, more spells...I bet one of 'em is Sleep ¿Am I right?
-Well, yes. It's a good spell.
-¡It's a shit!¿Don't you know that is has a saving throw now? ¿Or that it doesn't affect vermins?¿What are you going to do when a Fighting Crab tries to eat you, huh?¿Put yourself behind the warrior? Besides, I give a shit if you have weapon proficiency. ¿Are you going to fight with just 5 or 6 HP? Don't make me laugh, you bastard. Not you nor the other are going to ruin others' fun with your idiocy. ¡And don't come back without a couple of warrior levels!
-And if I pick up a wizard level, ¿can I mix the spells?
-First draw me a freestyle pictue and another one in academic.

[...]

-Let me see, next. ¿Who are you?
-I'm a barrrbarrian.
-Awhhh, the barbarian. ¿What can you do, son?
-Well, having lots of HP's, fight rrreally well and rrraging.
-¿And what is it that you're wearing?
-Be leatherrr arrrmorr, only -1 penalization.
-Yeah, and AC +3. ¿Do you know how long are you going to last down there without a good armor, son?
-¿Enough to get to 2nd level?
-You ain't possibly getting to 2nd level with a shitty 15 armor (with a reasonable Dexterity) that gets down to 13 with rage. Even a one-eyed orc woth hit you 2 out 3 times. And then you charge in combat (just once a day, sure, since this assholes think there's only one combat per day) frothing and screaming war howls.¿Does your player reads Conan comics?
-Yes
-There you go. The rest of the group trying not to make nois ¡and this guy warns the entire dungeon! Just because this idiot wants "play his character", he spoils others fun. ¡GOD, I HATE THEM!¡ALWAYS THE FUCKING SUCKERS" ¡I shit myself ten times on the Internal Anguish, dammit! You'll see, once he get's the chance to choose bewteen a dragon-slayer axe and his grandpa's axe, he throws away the good one and keeps the axe from his grandfather. Get out, before rage too.

[...]
-Next...¿who are you, sweetie?
-I'm a bard.
-The bard, the bard. ¿Do you know how to do something good?
-I know a lot of stuff.
-¿But is there anything that you do REALLY good? ¿Better than other one?
-Well, not that much, but I can fill many holes in the group and...
-Look, I'm not wasting my time arguing with you. Let me tell one thing: the cave of the Fighting Crabs is a dark, sinister, full of shit up until the armpits, and the monsters -that aren't just a bunch of XP and treasure- don't have a musical sense. ¿Do you think that's the better place to starT singing?
-But that gives bonus and...
-Go to hell, asshole. Besides ¿how many times can you do that?
-Well'¦ one.
-Get out before I kick your ass. Wait! Aren't the bards the only ones with Languages as a class skill?
-Yes.
-¡FUCK!¡YOU'RE A FUCKING PHILOLOGIST, BASTARD! How many marathons can you run?
-¿What would I want to run a marathon in a cave?
-You always have to plan for the unforeseen.

[...]
-Neeext.
-Hi, I'm a Cleric.
-Man, this one at least carries a decent armor. ¿Do you know how to fight?
-I'm reasonably good.
-I don't think so. Right know you have the same base attack as a wizard and you only know how to handle simple weapons.
-The mace and the like are not bad.
-¿But what happens if they make you a cavalry charge?¿Can you handle a pike?¿You can't, can you? Sure, "that's what's the warrior is for". Well, I won't buy that son of a bitch. Besides, ¿what have you done with your pathetic skill points?
-I bought Knowledge: Religion, Focus, Healing, Spell Knowledge.
-¡There you have it! ¡You're OVERSPECIALIZED! Let's see, ¿what will you do if they take away your divine focus, get ypu naked, tie your feet and hands and throw you into a dungeon?
-Same as everyone else: got fucked.
-There you have it. ¿Wouldn't it be better to have Escape Artist, Open Lock, a pair of Monk levels so that you can knock out the guard, Weapon Proficiency so that you can handle his axe, Move Silently an Hide to get out of the jail without getting caught, and Survival to live in the woods while you try to reach civilization (whic reminds me of having Sense Direction)? You should also learn how to swim to cross the rivers and Climb to go over the cliffs. And you'd better have Survival ranks quite high, ¿huh? ¡This forest are worst than Vietnam!
-Boy, you ask more than a beggar.
-Look kiddo, adventures here are realistic, so don't fuck with me. Besides, I'm the one that pays. Want to see you out of here.
-¿Can I come back if I get a couple of monk, ranger and rogue levels?
-That would be too munchkin much.

[...]
-The next oneeee.
-I think you've been waiting for me. I'm a fighter.
-Man, a fighter. ¿Why should I hire you?
-Because I know how to fight, have quite a lot of HP's and can carry heavy armor.
-Let's not talk about "I know how to fight". First: That armor thing is a shit.
-¿Why?
-Don't touch my balls. ¿How are you going to climb or swim whit that junk over your shoulders?
-If I have to, I'll take it off and that's it.
-¿And if you're being chased by a bunch of minotaur liches riding Nightshade Nightcrawler? ¿Are you going to take it off, smart boy? Besides, I don't think the rest of the party is going to like waiting for minutes and minutes while you take off and put on your armor. ¡You spoil their fun, man!
-Well, at least I'm good at fighting.
-Bullshit. ¿What makes you such a good fighter?
-Well...I've an extra feat, I'm very talented.
-¿Is that so? If you had made yourself a ranger, you'd have had 3 feats because of your pretty face. ¡Let's see who fights better know, you piece of shit!

[...]
-Let me see, name.
-Paladin, at your service.
-Owh, the paladin, sooo scary. With his code of honor and his oddities. I should slap you for causing the party's demise, bastard.
-¿Me?¿What have I done?
-Not letting torture and kill the prisoners, of course. Then they escape and sound the alarm.
-¡But I haven't done nothing like it!
-But you were thinking it.
-Well, I'll try to look the other way when we take prisoners.
-¿Can you compensate that?
-I can lay on hands.
-Yeah, and cure 3 HP's. Don't tell me anymore jokes else I'll crack.
-And smite evil. And I can do it as many times as I want.
-I don't give a damn. Crabs are neutral.
-I know how to wear armor and have weapon proficiency.
-Let's not talk about the armor, shall we?¿ Can you picture yourself with a heavy armor in a cave?¿Have you ever sugested an spelunker to wear 20 kilos of metal to cross a flooded siphon? He would smash your face, the same I'm about to do.
-¿And my other powers don't outweight that?
-Oh, yeah. Tell me, ¿what weapon do the crabs use?
-¿Natural weapons?
-Correct. So if you see one, you have to follow your code of honor and drop your sword and fight with your teeth. if you don't, I'll take your powers, for being a sissy. Know tell me if you are worthy, Brad Pitt smile, when you really should be a prestige class.

[...]
-The monk introduces himself, your highness.
-I thought you were a munchkin. ¿Do you think it's ok to have a new power each level?
-I think it compensates.
-Look,retard, it compensates at high levels, because at level one you're at the same height as dog shit. Any fighter can break your face before you can even say a word.
-It's not that bad.
-¿Isn't? Man, I think you're used to roll attributes with 6D6 and take out the worst. Because you need a good Wisdom, Dexterity, Strength, Constitution and Intelligence just to slightly approach to what a fighter or rogue can do.
-But at high levels things get better with the special abilities.
-At high levels I fuck a wizard. Shit!

[...]
-¿And who the fuck are you? Take off the dirt of your face, damn it, we are not in a dungeon.
-I'm the ranger.
-man, the ranger. ¿Do you know how worthless are the rangers?
-¿What?¿But why?
-you can't carry heavy armors, which makes you a dreadful fighter. And your abilities aren't worth a penny inside a dungeon. ¿What's the dungeons floor made of, you idiot?
-Rock.
-There you have it. Try tracking with a difficult of 20+ if you have the balls, you faggot.
-¿What about two-weapon fighting?
-I say touch my balls with both weapons. Right now I make myself a 9 lvl fighter with a two-handed weapon and we can fight at the IRC, and see who wins. ¿What do you say, cocoon? Look, ranger is fine for multiclassing, but right now you make me feel sorry.

[...]
-I'm a druid. This is my wolf partner.
-¿Does Poochie know how to climb?
-No
-Discarded.
-(Yeah, I know, I missed having a monkey as a partner)
-¿What else can you do besides zoophilia?
-I can cast spells.
-I see. No domains. No spontaneous healing. As a healer you're a complete failure. And my god! Don't even mention the spells, that at first level are a shit, please.¿Why are you carrying that crappy armor?
-I'm forced by my votes.
-I see. So you're a sucker, but forced to. ¿And where are you going with that scimitar? Oh yes, the votes. Instead of carrying a decent weapon, you carry a weapon that does a shitty 1d6 of damage.
-But the critical is good.
-Critical is useless with half of the monsters. ¿do you want to take six rounds to beat a skeleton, asshole? Besides, the critical is not that good. You should carry a two-handed pike, that on average does 0.001 more damage.
-It doesn't seem that much to me...
-Sure, because you're the unsupportive player who doesn't care about efficiency and would sacrifice his teammates for not carryng the appropiate weapon. ¿What if the Dragon has exactly 0.001 remaing HPs? Makes you want to throw away the adventure that the master so dearly has created.¡Out of here!

[...]
-It's just me now, the rogue.
-Ohhhhh, the rogue. Come here, little boy, sit on my lap. ¿What do you want to know?¿Where do the babies come from?
-No, I wan't to enter the Fighting Crabs cave.
-¡But that's for older people, with useful skills!
-But I have tons of skills. Hide, Move silently, Open Locks, Disable Device...
-Let's see: Hiding is worthless, first because half of the monsters have Scent, blindsight or tremorsense. Secondly, the master won't let you hide. Move silently is worthless when you have a fighter carrying heavy armor next to you. And you can't go ahead, because that's dividing the pary, and dividing the party if for assholes and it's more work for the DM. Now tell me the devices or locks that you're going to disable in the crabs cave. Besides, the master is good and puts things pretty rough so that your skills are worthless. Taking 20, ¿which lock could you open?
-DC 27.
-So he puts it 29, in case the Priest wants to cast a spell. Besides, ¡you're over-specialized! What would you do if everyone around you is dying. Nothing, because you can't heal. You should also spend some points in Riding, Alchemy and Knowledge: Nobility, for example, to diversify your portfolio.
-¿And Tumble?
-Nah, too difficult. Now you they have a DC of 78, and it doesn't take away oportunity attacks, but only give a -2 penalization. ¡You won't expect a shitty skill being better than a feat!
-But you can't deny that Sneak Attacks are good.
-They are a crap. They only work with opponents who can take critical attacks, and if they do, the DM will take care of puttin a proper armor on them.¡And you wouldn't want to enter a fight with 2 HPs more than a wizard and that ridiculous leather armor of yours!
-Well, I'm leaving, you have convinced me.

[...]
-¿Is there anyone else?
-There was a psionic, but the other ones kicked him out for worthless and useless.
-Fuck, I'd hava laughed a lot with that. Well, let's share: 100 GP for you, 100 GP for me, 100 GP for you, 100 GP for me...fuck, the crabs DO pay well!