Epic Summon Shack (A comedic story)

[ssvegeta555]

This was one of my first short stories I've ever written. I wanted to write a comedic piece poking fun at the epic spellcasting in D&D, namely the Summon Seed and the 'summon unique individual' aspect about it. I thought it was useless, a waste of time and money. Sure I can see some uses out of it, but I rather just go with the traditional summoning DC increases. So to show my displeasure and have fun writing about it, I wrote a short story of four individuals who are waiting to get out of the Epic Summon Shack, and while they wait they try to occupy themselves.

Epic Summon Shack

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So, what are you in for?

What a strange predicament I'm in. I am sitting here in a small run-down shack surrounded by idiots. Apparently I'm in a place called the Epic Summon Shack, located on an isolated corner of the Plane of Summoning. All manner of monsters and creatures from far away worlds wait in long lines around large Summoning buildings waiting for the time they are called, summoned by a mage elsewhere in the Multiverse.

All monsters are sorted by type, like elementals, animals, goblins and stuff like that. Each line eventually leads into a waiting room of some sorts. It's kind of like the DMV, where you wait for hours on end hoping your number will be called by the bored looking assistant at the front counter. Though I hear the waiting rooms are packed, with every seat taken. Once a new seat is open it is taken seconds later.

Unlike most of the waiting rooms in the Plane of Summoning, this one is completely different. The room is empty, barely lit by the flickering ceiling lights. Almost all of the benches and chairs are empty; some even are broken or have cobwebs around them.

I look up at the digital number tracker and of course like always, it's on the same damn number: 0. I want to get out of this place badly, but not one person has been called.

Near the end of the small cramped room behind a glass window is a bored elf sleeping the day away at the front desk. Her long blonde hair drapes over the desk like spilled water. She snores, quietly. Near the front desk is a door marked 'The Summoning Room' which would be the place one would enter once they're are called. Sadly it's always locked.

I look at my piece of paper with my number on it, 4. This will take an eternity at this rate.

I've only been here for a few weeks, but it's seems like years. In fact it could be, I completely lost track of time since I came here. I haven't eaten a thing since the time I arrived here, yet I'm not feeling famished at all. This is a strange world I'm in, completely different from New York City - and a lot more boring.

I'm Krogar; your average young adult, with a not so average name, aspiring to make it big in the Big Apple. That all changed when I was somehow whisked away from my world and ended up here, in this run down-shack waiting to get out of here. Despite all the bad stuff that has happened, I at least have some company who are also in the same boat, even if they are all idiots.

To my right sitting next to me is Count Telvith, a vampire or so he claims. He dresses up in lavish medieval clothing, something that a noble in that age would wear or one of those rejects at the renascence fairs. Sure, his clothes are made of silk, ramie and other expensive materials, but his taste in colors is abysmal. Bright purple? Pink? Every time I look at him it's an eyesore! His voice is even worse. He talks with a butchered British accent. I know it's not his real voice, but its annoying non-the less.

Across from me are two goofballs. Directly in front of me is Pit. His name is short for Pit Fiend. He has thick crimson red scales and sharp dagger-like teeth that ooze with venom. His large bat-like wings wrap around his body like a cloak. He looks menacing enough, but honestly, it's hard to be intimated and scared of some monster that twirls his long spike-tipped tail with his finger like a bored teenage girl with too much hair.

Next to Pit on his left is Balor. His thick leather-like skin is sheathed in bright yellow flames. Large horns jut out from the side of his head adorned with amulets and rings. His massive bat-like wings stretch across the bench and in his clawed hands he wields a whip made of nothing but red-hot flames.

Balor and Pit are fiends. Balor is a demon, who is one of the strongest types of demons, the Balors. Why he is named after his demonic status is beyond me. Knowing how stupid he is, he probably named himself that to remind him that he is one of the strongest demon types. Similar to how the demon's strongest type is the Balor; Pit is likewise the strongest of his kind, a Pit Fiend, the strongest of all devils.

Demons and devils are hated foes, attacking, killing, and plotting against each other at every turn. They have been at war with each other for thousands of years or so I hear. Yet these two are total friends. Which doesn't make one bit of sense. They seem to have more in common with each other than not.

'I say!' Telvith suddenly yells out loud his voice bouncing off the bare walls, 'Why not hark on our miserable selves and explain why we are here.'

Pit twirling his tail nods his head at Telvith, 'Why not? Who's going to start first?'

Balor jumps up with hands in air like a hyperactive child, 'Ooh! Pick me, pick me!'

Telvith points his finger at Balor majestically, 'Fineth! You are first Balor.'

I look at Telvith with one eyebrow up, Fineth? Is that even a word?

'Okay.' Balor clears his throat calmly looking at everyone around him. 'It all started when I was opening my birthday present. I was ecstatic ripping up the blue wrapping. Inside, I saw a ring encrusted with emeralds. It was so awesome! I was jumping in joy. I took it and placed it along my horn.' Balor moves in close to give everyone a closer look at his right horn. I saw the ring he talked about hooped around his horn. It jingled along with other rings and amulets as he sat back in his seat. 'There, now your turn Pit.'

'Hey Balor,' I said voicing my thoughts out loud, 'We are here to talk about how we came here, now about your stupid birthday.'

Balor looks at me with tear-filled eyes and a frown on his face, 'That was mean'¦'

Telvith suddenly jumps in his seat. 'I say! He is right. Please explainith how you came here.'

I shake my head at Telvith's poor attempt to sound Shakespearean or Old English, whatever it's called. I look at Balor who wiped a tear from his eye. Hopefully he'll get it right this time around.

'Well in that case,' Balor crossed his arms, 'I was worshiped by foolish mortals. One mortal named Ikuth, was the cult leader. He was a powerful mage and a loyal servant. One day he requested my services. He wished to develop an epic spell to summon me so I can wreak carnage and mayhem and show my true power to my cultists. I agreed for such a spell and after a while he developed it. Though he was stingy on cash and made the spell easy to research by having sacrificial components. So he summoned me, by sacrificing all of my cultists for the ritual.'

Balor smiled to himself, 'I was proud of him, it worked! I was summoned! After a short while I was dispelled and found my way here. I'm am so proud of that wizard, and I await the day to fight by my loyal cultist's side.' Balor wiped a tear of happiness from his eye.

I almost laughed hearing that; I honestly couldn't believe Balor's stupidity. That wizard obviously killed all the cult members and trapped him here for his own personal goals. I bet he forgot all about Balor already.

'No way! The same thing happened to me!' Pit said with excitement.

'Seriously,' Balor responded curiously.

'Yeah, same deal for me, bunch of cultists, sacrificial ritual, powerful wizard and all that stuff. I was summoned and then I came here.'

'That's awesome!'

'Yea, man we're like brothers!'

They both gave each other a high five. I roll my eyes as I watched. They're truly idiots.

I sit back in my chair lazily, not really interested in these morons. I look once more at the digital tracker. 0 again. I sigh to myself, depressed. It feels like my hopes and dreams of getting out of here are shattering before my eyes. If I'm number four, then these clowns must be the other three. And if the digital tracker is of any indication, I doubt I'll ever get out of here. Unless I'm not waiting in line, and then that should give me a 25% of getting out of here. But the likely hood of that happening seems almost impossible. The more I thought about it, the more I began to think that I could probably win the Lottery 10 times over before having my number called.

I might as well make the best of it.

I guess.

I look at Telvith with bored uncaring eyes, 'So, Telvith why are you here?'

His neck snaps quickly to my direction with an angry look on his face. 'That's Count Telvith you peasant!'

Telvith looks away from me focusing his attention to the fiends. He clears his throat as if he was about to give out a speech to a crowd. As he talked his voice seemed to avoid my presence, which was fine by me his voice is obnoxious.

'Well, I am a general and right hand man to the great, Lord of the Dead, Tharimo. I did many missions for my lord. I turned whole villages to undead, I sucked the blood of important leaders, and I recovered items of great importance. I did this in the name of my Lord.'

I noticed that Telvith smiled greatly after saying those words.

'My Lord had me do business in a far away land and developed an Epic spell that would call me whenever my Lord deemed it necessary. I later found out that he developed the spell to send me away forever because he never liked my wonderful accent.'

'Wonderful?' I said leaning closer to Telvith with a grim face; 'It's obnoxious, that what it is. I don't blame your Lord for doing this. I would've.'

'Silence!' He glared at me with his red hateful eyes.

'Well I like your accent Count Telvith.' Balor said.

'I say! I much prefer your positive attitude Balor. Much more pleasant than someone I know.'

He didn't point at me, but I knew whom he was talking about. But what can I say, I speak the truth. The man is annoying.

I look at Balor who is scratching his head with a dumbfounded look on his face. 'Who?'

Telvith let out a sigh as he points to me. I guess he also noticed his stupidity. It's not surprising really; in fact I kind of expected it.

'So little dude, why are you here.' Pit said looking at me curiously.

Soon Balor and Telvith followed Pit's example. They all looked at me waiting for a reply. I don't like being put on the spot, but that's not the only reason. I kind of felt like I was in the slammer passing around stories of the crimes we did to end up in jail, although I've never been in jail before. I sure feel like I am though. This place is like purgatory after all, plain and boring. At least I don't get served disgusting food.

I let out a sigh, knowing there is no way to back out. I really hate telling stories though.

'I come from New York City, also called the Big Apple.'

'Was it really a big apple?' Balor cuts me off with a confused look on his face.

I ignored his stupid remark and continued. 'I was eating at a restaurant ordering some delicious sushi. But before I can get one bite of the savory tuna, I was then summoned which really pissed me off to no end! Do you know how much that sushi cost?'

'I don't even know what sushi is, man.' Pit replied confused like everyone else.

I said that not expecting them to know, I just had to rant. That sushi was expensive. It was around $60. If I could've ate all that sushi before being summoned I wouldn't be so angry. Hell, if I didn't have to pay up front and I was able to eat it all before being summoned, I would've been in a happy mood getting something so good for free. Of course that didn't happen.

'The wizard that summoned me was pretty mad too. He said to me when he first saw me, 'You're not Krogar!' And then he sent me away to this place. So yea, that's how I came here.' I ended the story short; not to confuse them anymore, even if confusing them would be for my amusement. But I didn't feel like answering questions. I could've added a lot more for sure. But, I highly doubt they would get the idea of banks, TVs, stupid high-school dropouts trying to use a cash register like a 2 year-old and nagging girlfriends who call constantly.

Pit leans forward with excitement, 'Dude, did you just say Krogar? Are you really him?'

I didn't know exactly what Pit meant. Sure my name may be weird where I came from, but I was kind of shocked to hear that Pit heard of the name. I didn't really think he was referring to me though; he had to be confusing me with someone else.

I nod to Pit, 'Yeah, I'm Krogar.' I was curious, which is a first for me ever since I came here.

Telvith leans in close inches away from my face. He breathes on me and the feather in his hat almost poked my eye. I moved away from the feather as he was scanning me from head to toe. It's as if he was appraising me like some sort of item calculating my worth.

Telvith finally gets out of my comfort zone sitting back into his chair scratching his chin looking at me doubtful of something. 'I say! I would've figured Krogar would be more muscular.'

He lifts my skinny arm in the air to prove his point.

'˜Dude you're right!' Pit said, 'I thought Krogar the Great would be ripped, man.'

'Yea, you can't be Krogar the Great. He was so powerful he can fight armies all by himself, he can defeat dragon barehanded, and he even killed a god!' Balor added.

Pit snorted which could've passed for a disappointed sigh; 'You had me all excited for nothing scrawny dude.'

I didn't really know whom they were talking about. But if this Krogar the Great was true then that's probably what the wizard wanted to summon all along. He probably left out the Great part and summoned me instead. If only he was more careful. You would think that with so much intelligence a wizard is suppose to have that they would catch such a simple mistake? What's worse is I get punished for someone's mistake - just perfect.

'Hey' Balor said with excitement, 'want to hear about one of my other birthdays?'

I lie down covering my face with my brown leather jacket as Balor was talking about how he got another ring but with rubies this time around. I let out a quiet sigh. This will be a long wait indeed.