Ninjas V. Pirates V....Cowboys?

[Xathan]

Why were they never included in the great debate?

Discuss.

[beejazz]

Because lumberjacks are so much cooler than cowboys. They've got axes. And plaid.

[Darkxarth]

Because lumberjacks are so much cooler than cowboys. They've got axes. And plaid.

True.

Besides, if we include Cowboys we have to include Lumberjacks (as beejazz said), and if we include Lumberjacks then we have to bring up Paul Bunyan, and if we bring up Paul Bunyan we have to talk about "Paul Bunyan's disease" (which turns people into giant lumberjacks) from "The Adventures of Dr. McNinja", and if we talk about "The Adventures of Dr. McNinja" we have to talk about Pirates, and if we talk about Pirates we have to include Cowboys. and if we include Cowboys we have to include Lumberjacks, and if we include....

Well, you get the idea.

[Captain Obvious]

On a slightly more important and less frivolous note, why are Penguins not included?

Or Monkey? Or Robots? Or flying monkeys? Or Monkey-Robots?

Or some Kind of flying cybernetic monkey/penguin hybrid with ninja powes and an eye-patch, And six-shooters and Paul bunyan's disease.

[beejazz]

@supa: Too confusing. It would malfunction, shoot out it's good eye, and start throwing Bunyan-sized turds across the land... actually, that'd be a pretty sweet world creation myth.

[snakefing]

Babe the Blue Ox, man, that's all I have to say.

[Soup Nazi]

Well Babe is also a cute little pig, and neither of them have six shooter showdowns at high noon.

[Darkxarth]

Babe the Blue Ox, man, that's all I have to say.

I almost mentioned Babe.  But then I though, no, we'll just start talking about that pig...

Well Babe is also a cute little pig,

Oh how right I was...

[SA]

Cowboys are not part of the Eternal Feud.

Ninjas predate the universe, while pirates were born in the first moments of noodly creation.  Thus, the pirates embody reality, the ninjas unreality, and so this dichotomy compels them to eternal war.

Cowboys, for all their prowess, are but pawns in this grand conflict.

...except Clint Eastwood.  He's part pirate, part ninja.

We call him the Daywalker.

[beejazz]

Yes, but Cowboys came in and created an entirely *new* world. While lumberjacks made it habitable for the rest of us, thereby rendering all who came before redundant.

[SA]

Nay, for that world of the cowboy's devising is but an infinitisimal spark in the wild agglomerate ether that is reality.

The ninjas are all of shadow;

The pirates are all of light;

All that follows are but whispers and reflections.

Know this, and know the words of real ultimate power.

[Captain Obvious]

The ninjas are all of shadow;

The pirates are all of light;

This is why penguins have so much   Awsomah Powwah . They are a blend of both light and shadow.

[SA]

That, my friend, is a lesson few learn.  The penguin arises from the uncommon unity of the two absolutes.

Clint Eastwood is such a penguin.

Edward Scissorhands was created to be another; the first samurai penguin.  But his creator died before the deed was done.  Hence he became a ronin, lost without a master or a cause.  The ninjas would not have him for he had the blood of pirates, and the pirates would not have him for he had the blood of ninjas.

The penguins would not have him because... well, y'know, it's cold over there in penguin land.  His joints would freeze, or something.

Thus, Edward is often cited as the Great Tragic Penguin.

Maybe I should write the Ninja-Pirate-Penguine-Cowboy compendium.  It would be a great metaphysical exercise.

[beejazz]

Oh yeah? Well, lumberjacks have axes! Axes totally pwn shuriken. And guns don't stop 'em either. Lumberjacks eat pinecones and blunderbusses (or is it blunderbi?) for breakfast.

[SA]

Firstly, it's blunderBIZZEN.  If you'd attended the seminar you'd know that.  Honestly, your truancy is hardly conducive to a proper education.

Secondly, the pinecones give lumberjacks a wicked spot of indigestion, which they are not immune to, and indigestion reduces the machismo necessary for their most basic functions.  Thus, when lumberjacks eat pinecones, they're pretty much useless for about three hours.  We call this the "itis".

Thirdly, the employment of shuriken by ninja is a grossly erroneous myth.  They are so violent that violence itself is inadequate to describe their antagonism, and weapons are therefore obsolete.  In fact, they are so violent they can kill an axe where it stands, and axes are among the fiercest predators this side of the Horsehead Nebula!

Fourthly...

I need sleep.