Ninjas V. Pirates V....Cowboys?

[beejazz]

Firstly, it's blunderBIZZEN.  If you'd attended the seminar you'd know that.  Honestly, your truancy is hardly conducive to a proper education.

Secondly, the pinecones give lumberjacks a wicked spot of indigestion, which they are not immune to, and indigestion reduces the machismo necessary for their most basic functions.  Thus, when lumberjacks eat pinecones, they're pretty much useless for about three hours.  We call this the "itis".

Thirdly, the employment of shuriken by ninja is a grossly erroneous myth.  They are so violent that violence itself is inadequate to describe their antagonism, and weapons are therefore obsolete.  In fact, they are so violent they can kill an axe where it stands, and axes are among the fiercest predators this side of the Horsehead Nebula!

Fourthly...

I need sleep.

Firstly: D'oh!
Secondly: Not for lumberjacks. The lumberjack digestive tract acts very much like a wood-burning stove. Anyone who has seen a pinecone burn knows that it is precisely this that is the source of a lumberjack's super-strength. Not that he isn't still strong without pinecones.
Thirdly: Not a double axe.

Also, the whole ninja defense is that you can't kill what you can't see. But lumberjacks totally axe the trees/walls/streetlights ninjas hide behind. As for disguise, no self-respecting ninja would wear plaid. Even if they become invisible, lumberjacks have super-scent.

[SA]

Lumberjacks can eat pine cones, sure, but like all creatures of temporality, they may only consume that which is itself an ephemeral creation.  A true pine cone - not sissy mortal pine cones, but the ones that litter the floor of the First Forest of Creation - would be a blight upon their bellies.  For of all finite things, it is only the lumberjack, in his inestimable hubris, who finds debilitation in the consumption of something so pure.  It should elevate him beyond all ascendant things, and yet it causes his gizzards to gurgle.

If I may quote the Proverbs...

*as the old saying goes: "when a pirate falls in the woods, it's okay to take his lederhosen"[/size]

[SA]

But don't think I'm a lumberjack-hater or anything.  Lumberjacks are the sacred guides and protectors of our world, and must be shown proper respect; I just want to get the facts straight, is all.

"I chop down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspendies and a bra
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa"

Defunct chant of the Revisionary Lumberjack Resistance

[SA]

Or some Kind of flying cybernetic monkey/penguin hybrid with ninja powes and an eye-patch, And six-shooters and Paul bunyan's disease.

*That, and rising petrol prices.[/size]

[Hibou]

Cowboys weren't included because if they were, they'd obviously win. They've got pretty guns and prettier horsies.

[SA]

:explode:

I am going to pretend you didn't say that, simply because to do otherwise would be the worse kind of condescension.

Y'know, the Heath Ledger/Jake Gylenhaal kind.

[beejazz]

I shall now explain all things, as I am wont to do whenever 1.5 or fewer things actually need explaining. The universe runs on a sort of archetype-shadow model for the most part. For example, the computer I am typing on is the shadow of the archetypical computer (which is really a polyp in a futuristic android-god's colon, but that is a story for another day.)

Ninjas are one of the exceptions to the rule. Ninjas are as shadows without an archetype. As such they are almost entirely exempt from reality, even exempt from the rule that restricts them to being ninja (allowing them great transformative powers, and the ability to cease to exist). Ninjas can, however, adopt archetype surrogates (and often need to in order to interact with uber-real entities, see below). The surrogate is a naturally occuring delusion to be found in suitable minds throughout the ages, including Abraham Lincoln, Richard Nixon, and (perhaps most famously) Adam West. This explains their similarities in the absence of an archetype. When there is serious work to be done, a ninja must manifest as a ninja.

A pirate is derived from antetype. Any shadow, after straying far enough from its archetype, will become a pirate. as such, it is said that pirates are shadows of antetype (though no antetype exists in reality.) There are exceptions to this rule. Indians, for example, are of such strong character that aspects of their archetype remain even in their antetype, cowboys. Hence, all cowboys are actually landbound pirates. Elephants are another example. No one knows why, but the antetype of an elephant is a chair. Thus all chairs are actually miserably failed elephants. Three-legged stools are the pinnacle of chairness. Elephants refer to these abominations in hushed tones as "the forgotten." Hence, all three-legged stools are also pirates. Also, in because a ninja has no archetype it also has no antetype. One can't be both. The surrogate archetype has (for whatever reason) two antetypes: Pandas and penguins. Hence the appearance of pirate/ninja duality in these creatures, despite the fact that they are neither true ninjas nor true pirates.

Trees are the shadows of The Tree, also called Ygdrassil or the Tree of Life or many other things from ancient days. The Tree is all things. Thusly, the shadow trees allow for infinite possibility in the universe and the progression of time. However, if any tree is allowed to reach maturity, it will become a universe in its own right and usurp Ygdrassil.

This is where the lumberjacks come in. Lumberjacks are super-real entities. They are archetypes without shadows. How there can be more than one identical archetype is paradoxical, but this is what has been allowed by Ygdrassil. There are two other instances of uber-real entities. One is Samurai. The other is pinecone.

Most of these powerful anomalies have died and decayed. With the death of the last true Indian, the cowboys vanished from the face of the earth. The Samurai are all but extinct after their lord's dynasty fell and the ninjas sought out and destroyed them. Only Mr. Rogers remained, beating the ninja at their own game with a kind of false death (much like Jesus, Elvis, or TuPac). As tree-cutting became popular and mechanized in the united states, lumberjacks retreated en masse to Canada, and have engaged in the blasphemies of pinecone-eating (the antithesis of tree is conifer... as the shadow-trees die, the only way to maintain infinite possibility is for the destruction of a true reality antithesis for the consumption of its realms of possibility.) As Nixon and Adam West and such fade into the realms of obscurtiy, the ninjas drift farther and farther from reality, into the Great Pine Forests. The penguins and pandas likewise dwindle in number. The pirates themselves are suffering, as antetype ceases to exist as such, with the adoption of new and more fitting archtypes by the lumberjack pinecone consumption. Even the thre-legged stools suffer for this.

[Darkxarth]

First, we train a dinosaur to be ridden by a ninja. Then, we also teach it to ride a hoverboard and fire an Uzi. We make it a cyborg and give it a mutant brain 3x the size of the smartest human on earths. Now, we also send it to Yoda for 6 months of power-leveling in the art of Jedi. We can teach it to hold a lightsaber in its tail, but that doesnâ,¬,,¢t come standard. Now, we take the disembodied spirit of a pirate, and banish him into the realms of the dinosaurâ,¬,,¢s body.

Voila, a Ninja riding a Cyborg-Pirate-Jedi Dinosaur riding a Hoverboard and shooting an Uzi

Just thought I'd throw that out there.

[SA]

:soap:

Blasphemy!  Heresy!

Your mythos, your cosmos, your entire so-called explication are the words of the wretched, insidious and dissentuous.  Your splinter fanaticism and resultant lumberjack fetish may very well cause the end of us all!  The lumberjack is naught in the eyes of the Eternal Being (whose name, sloshed with rum-stink as it is, is ineffible), and the Eternal Unbeing (whom some call Jubei and others Franklin, The Immortal Pantsless), and to suggest otherwise is to usher in a new schism, a division of our peoples the likes of which even their enlightened minds shall not stand.

You walk dangerous ground, Venerable Beejazz.  Do not let all that we have worked to achieve be undone by your wayward ambition.  Penguin and panda alike find furious indignation in your spurious words, for all who know of things-as-they-are will attest to the rise of the penguin.  And be thankful for that, for only through such unity of light and dark (so evident in the form of the aforementioned), shall balance be restored, and the scourge that lies impending in the Blight: the Brassica Carinata; the Abyssian Mustard.

And use not the name of the tree!  For Spaghetti's sake, USE NOT THE NAME!  Do you want to get us all LIQUIDATED?  I mean, GEEZ!

When this ugly bout of myopia ceases and I can find my way around again, I'll gather my books together and write you an informed and illuminated treatise.  Your current path worries me, and you must once again be set to a right cause.

Fear not, though, Venerable Beejazz, such tangential thought occurs in the minds of all who chance to think, and thus have cause to doubt.  Just do not let it be your ruin, and the ruin of your peers.

-Ven. Father Topiary of the Belated Apocalypse mk. II

[Elven Doritos]

The real question is where Cabbage and Adam West fit into all of this.

[Ishmayl-Retired]

Don't ninjas eat cabbage every morning before turning on old reruns of Batman to train to?

[SA]

"Eat cabbage"?

EAT cabbage?

Here I was thinking the CBG was full of cabbage lovers, then someone comes a long and naively suggests that a cabbage is edible.

Do you know nothing of the Abyssian Mustard?  Or the Transcendant Babchka?  Has all reason in the world been butchered by the Wretched Coleslaw of Diminished Perspicuity?  And you're supposed to be a Cabbage Patch Kid of Pain...

My Shortcake of Hate seeths with discontent...

Besides, everyone who's anyone knows that ninjas learn all their tricks through meticulous analysis of The Lion In Winter stage production.

[Elven Doritos]

Listen up brothers and sisters, come hear my desperate tale
I speak of our friends of nature trapped in the dirt like a jail
Vegetables live in oppression, served on our tables each night
This killing of veggies is madness, I say we take up the fight

Salads are only for murderers, coleslaw's a fascist regime
Don't think that they don't have feelings, just cause a radish can't scream

Chorus:
I've heard the screams of the vegetables (scream, scream, scream)
Watching their skins being peeled (having their insides revealed)
Grated and steamed with no mercy (burning off calories)
How do you think that feels (bet it hurts really bad)

Carrot juice constitutes murder (and that's a real crime)
Greenhouses prisons for slaves (let my vegetables go)
It's time to stop all this gardening (it's dirty as hell)
Let's call a spade a spade (is a spade is a spade is a spade)

I saw a man eating celery, so I beat him black and blue
If he ever touches a sprout again, I'll bite him clean in two
I'm a political prisoner, trapped in a windowless cage

Cause I stopped the slaughter of turnips by killing five men in
a rage
I told the judge when he sentenced me, This is my finest
hour,
I'd kill those farmers again just to save one more cauliflower

Chorus

How low as people do we dare to stoop,
Making young broccolis bleed in the soup?
Untie your beans, uncage your tomatoes
Let potted plants free, don't mash that potato!

No spear the spider, Eat a cow their so dumb!
I've heard the screams of the vegetables (scream, scream, scream)
Watching their skins being peeled (fates in the stir-fry are sealed)

Grated and steamed with no mercy (you fat gourmet slob)
How do you think that feels? Come on Kids you got matches
(leave them out in the field)
Carrot juice constitutes murder (V8's genocide)

Greenhouses prisons for slaves, Right on brother (yes, your composts are graves)
It's time to stop all this gardening (take up macrame)

Let's call a spade a spade
(is a spade, is a spade, is a spade, is a spade......)

[SA]

Have truer words ever been spoken?

I mean, how could we be so blind?

Ninjas, Pirates, Penguins, Cowboys, Lumberjacks, Master Chief, Spaghetti-o's...

It matters not who reigns supreme if the cabbage suffers still.

It's time we stopped worrying and learn to love the cabbage.

If we don't, it means the Mustard has won.

[Captain Obvious]

But i like mustard.....