Now you know why ElDo is no poet

[Stargate525]

these are great. I'm looking forward to the next one.

J. Hunter sounded like something that would happen in a Terry Pratchett novel.

[Elven Doritos]

More zany lightheartedness coupled with inappropriate macabre:

I once knew a man who was seven feet tall
With yellow-green eyes and a penchant to brawl
I entreat you, dear friend, to sit and be still
And hear out the Ballad of Barnaby Bill

On a white winter hill sat the city of Bore
A town which in spirit was once much like yours
There was never in Bore much fright nor much thrill
Until the one night when came Barnaby Bill.

Had the snow not been driven, few would have seen
The haggard tall man who who was fast approaching
With gun at his side as if ready to kill
Strode quickly through Bore did Barnaby Bill.

He had made to the tavern in certain haste
A handful of money assuring his place
With pistol in hand as he twirled it with skill
"A duel I be seeking," said Barnaby Bill.

The people of Bore gazed in awe at this man
The challenge was answered by young farmer Dan
"If it's trouble ye seek, I'll bring some quite real,"
Which warranted laughter from Barnaby Bill.

The terms of the duel were established by chance
With each of the duelists prepared in advance
"Your life for this city, we have thus a deal?"
Had taunted with fervor old Barnaby Bill.

Nine paces stepped each as they readied their guns
As Dan weighed the stakes in the cold winter sun
Before the tenth step, did the farmer Dan twirl
And fired did he on old Barnaby Bill.

The bullet struck true, the wound clean as could be
Though laughing madly was that old Barnaby
For since Dan had broken his pact with the kill
To Bore went the devil, to Barnaby Bill.

[sparkletwist]

Hehe, these are awful, and yet, great at the same time.
I think it is their unique charm. :D

[Elven Doritos]

Thankee. :D

[Elven Doritos]

St. Peter's brave task
Is brokering pass
From low Midgard to Heaven above.
In front of the gates
Stands Peter the great
With a chariot composed of doves.

Arrived once did Ben
The smallest of men
A concern quite clear on his face.
"Saint Peter," he asked
"Why may not all pass?"
As he pointed to that finest place.

"Those such as you," said
St. Peter in stead,
"Did little to warrant a stay.
These gates that I guard
Protect now this ward
By keeping outsiders at bay."

Ben shrieked, he was flown
To the demons below
The price of his knowledge quite clear.
He noted with hate
A pair of black gates
As he wondered why they would be there.

"To keep people out?"
Ben did ask in a bout
Of interest prone to a few.
The devil looked there
And said with a glare
"It's to keep in the people like you."

[Elven Doritos]

Hope is
A dirty yellow dandelion
Growing between the cracked
Pavement, trampled by the grimy,
Sticky, nasty, muddy, crusty,
Dirty, ruined,
Worn,
U
N
S
T
O
P
P
A
B
L
E
Steel-toe boots of Life

[Elven Doritos]

I think I originally wrote these as lyrics to a song.

Daddy's in the basement looking at porn
Momma's not sure if she loves him anymore
My brother's in the desert, gun in hand
Yesterday they say he killed a man
   
What happened to the days so long ago?
When people could smile and the lights would glow
We had fun and traveled to places afar
Now we can't afford to fuel the car.

There's terror in the skies
There's terror in their eyes
Terror's the only target showing
Terror's the only market growing

Defaulting on loans, the bank defers us
Momma can't afford our insurance
Guess we'll go back to sleeping on the floor
Can't afford our mortgage no more

Daddy's afraid of violence
Momma is scared of the IRS
I thought I had a plan to make things swell
But the army doesn't want me, I'm only twelve

[SDragon]

Hope is
A dirty yellow dandelion
Growing between the cracked
Pavement, trampled by the grimy,
Sticky, nasty, muddy, crusty,
Dirty, ruined,
Worn,
U
N
S
T
O
P
P
A
B
L
E
Steel-toe boots of Life

This one is actually really well done.  I'm not sure I really care for your slow removal of that sense of whimsy, since it really helped lighten the mood of otherwise dark subjects, but I do like how this one came out.

[Pair o' Dice Lost]

I hope you don't mind if I break in here with a bit of bad poetry, but the mention of Dr. Seuss reminded me of something on the WotC boards.

A while back, there was a "1001 old tomes" thread, where you were supposed to come up with books that DMs could use to populate libraries should their PCs want to sample them.  Eventually, it devolved from good ideas to funny books to take-offs on real-world books, so I contributed one that was basically One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish as it would be if it were written by a necromancer:
[spoiler]56. One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, New Fish
Author: Dr. Theodor Geisel
Publisher: Stochastic Home Press
Appearance: A large, slightly yellowed tome with large text.
Condition: Like new.
Language: A dialect of Common; it is written in rhyming couplets, for an unknown reason.
Contents: This book, written by the Necromancer First Class of a renowned mage's guild for his children, details the animation of dead creatures and the creation of corpse grafts. Dr. Geisel was a rather prolific author, having written many treatises for his guild; he wrote this work when his son's goldfish died, because his son didn't understand how he could have gotten the same fish back.

Excerpts:
"Yes, some are green, a sickly hue;
Those are dead, but those are few:
The rest are black,
I brought them back.
Now here's your fish, brought back to you!"

----------------------

"Say!
Look at his bones!
One, two, three...
How many fin bones
Do I see?

One, two, three, four
five, six, seven,
eight , nine, ten.
He has eleven!

Eleven!
This is something new.
The ones past fourth, I grafted, true;
I think he's better now, don't you?"

-----------------------

"Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
I cannot hear.
Will you please come over near?
Will you please look in my ear?
There must be something there, I fear."

"I'm sorry,
Nothing was in your ear.
But I replaced it. So have no fear;
With a lich's ear, you'll hear, my dear."[/spoiler]

[Nomadic]

Haha that was awesome. I want to see more.

[Elven Doritos]

Lyrics I wrote for a hip-hop project (with psychedelic rock roots) that I've been collaborating on (which I'll post when it's finalized).

I close the lid to the daytime land
And I seal away the worries of my everyday plans
The threats and the sins always hounding at me
So let me transcend my natural boundaries

Let me to take you down to the city in my dreams
Sitting in the stream of the television screen
Between you and me and the underlying theme
Is purple colored people gathered in the mezzanine

And it would seem that they throw their life away
Disposable people getting overtime pay
The shoreline screams, well that is to say
I mean, like a dream just getting in the way

Let me rethink the premise of my rhyme
As I highlight a fly buzzing into my mind
I climb my tree, I'm all alone
I'm far too high for a freefalling zone

I stand in the fields and breathe the sweet air
Caramel skies kiss the evening flare
The meadowlark sleeps with peaceful care
And I take you down to my secret lair

I scream with my dreams as the people it seems
Well it's been, I don't see what they really mean
All these things are severely demeaned
As I hang from the corners of the crescent queen

In the green empty grounds of the village I live
In the busy blue streets of the city I built
In the Hawthorne fields where there is no loam
In the alleyway where we built our home

Burned into the eyes of the steeple at day
Molded by the skies into people of clay
Turned upside down by a winsome fear
As the mind turns clear of potential peers

Walden wails to the empty sea
Ishmael sails to see the symphony
As Emerson delivers the fool's eulogy
Who are we to supersede the whimsy of infinity?

The sun makes love to the stars at dawn
The queen calls home her wayward pawn
Flora puts her hand on the heart of the fawn
As I graze on the fields in the strawberry pond

[Lmns Crn]

That's remarkably evocative.