The Lif e and Death of an Auroch

[Cheomesh]

This is the first part of a work about a clan of neanderthals.  I'll break it down like I did the other one; hopefully I improved since my list experiment.  I'm still not happy with the way I start things off; does anyone else think that's difficult?

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Silence permeated the forest of Lomer'i on an early spring morning as a lone auroch grazed amongst the fresh green shoot trusting from the dark, loamy soil.

The lean, hearty creature weathered the winter season in the deeper reaches of the forest, away from the predators that separated it from his heard in the past summer.  It could smell the freshness of spring and the scent of small, nonthreatening creatures as he kept his nose and ears alert for predators.  The only sound to be heard were small singing insects slowing coming to a crescendo as the sun continued it's ascent.

 [ooc]Here, I am attempting to make the reader "feel" the forest.  Am I successfully showing, or am I still telling?[/ooc]

A cool breeze, sighing through the trunks, passed an aroma by the beast that brought it pause.  Images assaulted the thin creature's mind as it's body tensed for action; its mind coming to memory of slain deer and a particular shrub this auroch enjoyed grazing on.  Against its instincts, he was compelled towards the source, his cloven hoves leaving shallow impressions in the earth.  The odor grew steadily stronger as the herbivore plodded lightly forward.

Entering a small clearing, the large and bony animal relished in the maddening scent overwhelming his nostrils.  Off to the side of this glade grew a vibrant and sizable plant; the auroch continued the trail towards it.  The beast, colorblind, would not have seen the waxy and bottled blue green texture on the large pitcher that serves as a warning to the predator spying on its advance.  It could not see the vivid patterns on the broad, flat leaves that served to ward off insects.  The only stimuli for this grazer was the overpowering odor of the sweet fluid deep inside the plants pitcher-like center; the sweet nectar the animal burned to drink.

The moment it strode up to the flower was to be its last.  As it lowered its head to drink, a boy erupted from within a carefully constructed pile of leaves and twigs, thrusting a short, stone-tipped instrument into the animal's throat, severing veins and arteries as a spray of blood cast itself onto the killer's arm.  

 [ooc]So I try to describe this ever important flower, which has consumed the auroch's mind with its overpowering odor.  The boy is a young neanderthal hunter; it's his first hunt.  His tribe uses flowers like these (amongst other hunting tactics) to bring down prey easily.  The flower is a carnivorous species, which lures animals in to drink from its poisonous nectar.  When they die, they'll begin to rot and the plant uses this to fertilize its soil.  Kinda out there but I think that'll be ok.[/ooc]

The creature buckled, its legs disobeying the dying brain, and it fell heavily to the ground.

Several other figures, likewise concealed around the clearing, rose from their leafy beds to begin dressing the carcas.  They uttered no sound as they set upon their gristly task, quickly bleeding and skinning the corpse as the boy, just 13, looked on.

 [ooc]I am attempting here to hit at organization and cooperation;this was a planned ambush.[/ooc]

M.

[Nomadic]

It's interesting, I think the issue I had while I read it was that it's too descriptive. All the excess words seem to mess with the flow of the story.

[Cheomesh]

Damn, first one way then the other :|

M.

[Nomadic]

Well perhaps an example might help.

Silence permeated the forest of Lomer'i on an early spring morning as a lone auroch grazed amongst the fresh green shoot trusting from the dark, loamy soil.

The lean, hearty creature weathered the winter season in the deeper reaches of the forest, away from the predators that separated it from his heard in the past summer. It could smell the freshness of spring and the scent of small, nonthreatening creatures as he kept his nose and ears alert for predators. The only sound to be heard were small singing insects slowing coming to a crescendo as the sun continued it's ascent.

Tranquility lay over the land as a lone creature grazed on young shoots in the morning sun. The forest had outlasted the bite of winter and even now seemed to revel in spring's warmth. The songs of birds and insects drifted through the glade as the beast, an Auroch, lowered its horned head to feed. Its ears flicked back and forth, hunting for danger even as it grazed. Yet nothing made itself known, so the big animal continued eating as the sun rose over the Forest of Lomer'i.[/i]

Of course I'm no master writer, but perhaps the example here can help you find the middle ground you've been searching for. It isn't easy to do and the only way to truly reach it is to practice.