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A Song I Call "So Far Away"

Started by Hibou, July 26, 2006, 11:17:15 PM

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Hibou

July 26, 2006, 11:17:15 PM Last Edit: July 27, 2006, 09:03:54 PM by Mezerous
Within the last 15-20 minutes I wrote a song and thought I'd post it here. It's kind of a sad song but the end brightens a little. I wrote the song about my recent high school graduation and everything that's getting left behind, and the way I'm feeling about moving on from it. The song's lyrics can also kind of fit a love song description, and that's a bit of what it's about too. Comments and criticism welcome.

I do have a chord tab of sorts for it, but I won't post it here. I've left some stuff in so that maybe it'll help readers get the feel of the song, but I'm more curious about what people think of the lyrics. For those understanding some music theory, it's in 4/4 time in the key of E minor. Here goes:

Intro

Verse 1
Smiling suns and fading evenings
The night defeats the day
Maybe I should join the downfall

Summer's quick, the fall is coming
I wish that time was wrong
It's not just the seasons now

                             
Maybe I could turn back time
And see that place
I could pretend I'm not dreaming

Bridge
Keeping sane is so much harder
Than what they say
But if I could just slay my dragons
I'd let it go today

Verse 2

I can't dream without some wondering
Where you are tonight
It's just a little longing

There's no room for memories now
'Cause we're moving on
Dream conductors stop for no one

Keeping on this shadowed track
I wait for dawn
Can you help me find it soon?

Bridge

Chorus
I can't forget the days that were
Can't find a way
But I can see the sun is coming
Changing how I feel
I know my feelings'll never deter
But I'll try and move on
What we had's out of reach now
Always over the hill
So far away

Instrumental Break

Intro/Chorus Rhythm x4

Lots of improv here. It's against my musical religion to create an official solo.

Bridge

Keeping sane is so much harder
Than what they say
But I've finally slain my dragons
I let it go today

Chorus(played very soft)

Chorus

Outro

Intro/Chorus Rhythm x2, then:

I can't forget the days that were
Can't find a way
But I can see the sun is coming__
___.

---

What do you think?
[spoiler=GitHub]https://github.com/threexc[/spoiler]

Xathan

#1
July 26, 2006, 11:43:30 PM
I like. I'm not musically inclined, but reading it as poetry, it has a very nice flow to it and some really evocative imagery. I love the first verse or stanza or what the term is "Smiling suns and fading evenings/The night defeats the day/Maybe I should join the downfall", really nice images.
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[/spoiler]

Hibou

#2
July 27, 2006, 09:25:08 AM
Thanks :)
[spoiler=GitHub]https://github.com/threexc[/spoiler]

Lmns Crn

#3
July 27, 2006, 10:58:03 AM
Saying "it's in 4/4 and Eb minor" really doesn't tell me much about how the song actually sounds. That could still be just about anything.

I don't like treating lyrics as if they were poetry, because there's a fundamental difference in meter and pacing: the meter of poetry is determined entirely by the patterns of syllables of the words themselves, but in music, it all depends on the rhythm to which they are sung.

That said, I like a lot of your imagery. But it seems that there is an awful lot of unrelated imagery, and it's making it pretty hard to get any kind of sense of what's going on.

And I hate to have to say it, but some of the lines in the chorus look like they were sort of shoehorned into place for the sake of a rhyme, like shield/field. I really have no idea what "can't break that shield" is supposed to mean; I realize it's related to "forgetting the days that were," but breaking a shield seems to be a very weird and counterintuitive metaphor for talking about that. And the wording of "I can see the sun is coming/with a new treading field" is just awkward. I'm not even totally sure what a "new treading field" is in the first place, and because of the way you say "with", it makes it sound like the sun is moving the field along with it as it rises, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I would suggest rewording that area a bit, maybe even getting rid of the shield/field rhyme altogether and using some different imagery.

And I really hate to be the one to say this, but almost any usage of "I love you and I always will" (or variants thereof) in a song will be cliché to the extreme. You're disadvantaged because generations of songwriters have already used that phrase in just about every possible way there is to use it, and its coolness is essentially used up. So, this is where you go back to your imagery again: when you can successfully convey the idea of "I love you" without using any of the following words ("I", "love", or "you"), you will be a master lyricist.

(Again, this may change, depending on how you set those words to music. Maybe you set them really masterfully and it works, and I just don't know because I'm not hearing it played/sung. But out of all the music I've studied and heard, I can think of exactly one example of someone using the phrase "I love you" without it sounding cheap and phony.)

So, I don't mean to lay it out so harsh. Most of what you've got, I like. I just want to hear it, or failing that, get a little more detail on how it sounds.
I move quick: I'm gonna try my trick one last time--
you know it's possible to vaguely define my outline
when dust move in the sunshine

Hibou

#4
July 27, 2006, 08:46:57 PM
Yeah. I admit it's kind of cheesy and poorly done in parts, but I like to think it's not too bad for less than half an hour of lyrical production. I don't have a recording (yet), but I'll do some detailing on the chords and when they cue in.

[spoiler=The Rundown]

Intro/Chorus

The rhythm for this begins with an Em chord, playing that for 4 beats before switching to a D (4 beats), followed by a C (2 beats) and a G (the other 2 beats of that line), moving back into a C(2 beats) and a D(2 beats) to nearly finish off the section. Each line of lyrics in the chorus takes up 4 beats, leaving the rhythm to be played twice through it. At the end of the chorus there's another little Em 8-beat part played before it goes back into the verse or the instrumental part.

Verse

The verse rhythm is just a simple alternation between Em and Cadd9, starting with Em then switching to Cadd9 then to Em again before Cadd9(this one is played for 4 beats with no lyrics to accompany, before the next stanza begins).

Bridge

The bridge is a change to an Am chord again going for 4 beats, to a C, to a Bm, to a D with a pause after the 2nd beat has finished.

[End]

The final chorus rhythm played at the end of the song lets its ending D ring.

Note: I didn't detail the various random additions I make to the song. I've had the rhythm to it for a while (it was originally going to be a tribute to Neil Young called "The Return of Cortez", and when I played it with others I often used the fingerings for the chords in different positions or added extra 4ths, 5ths, and the like to them as I played, not to mention the countless little licks that have been thrown in each time.

[/spoiler]

I am going to improve the lyrics to this song. I'm very picky and disapproving of my own work, making me change it and work on it until I feel it is near-perfect. I don't mind your 'harsh' comments, they're only pushing me to do so :)
[spoiler=GitHub]https://github.com/threexc[/spoiler]

Lmns Crn

#5
July 27, 2006, 08:58:55 PM
So, am I right to assume that this is E minor and not E flat minor? Because your first post says E flat, your most recent says E, and all of the chords you list make about 37 times more sense in Em than they do in Ebm.

Is this on a guitar? Because if so, Eb anything makes little sense unless you're using a capo and transposing.
I move quick: I'm gonna try my trick one last time--
you know it's possible to vaguely define my outline
when dust move in the sunshine

Hibou

#6
July 27, 2006, 09:05:55 PM
It's on a guitar, yes. I've changed that first post to say E minor, and for simplicity we'll just assume from now on that it is. I just put Eb because I usually play it with my guitar tuned down half a step, and it's easier to just say Em, G, C, etc. tuned down half a step (even though I forgot this). Pardon my errors. Also, I edited the lyrics some.
[spoiler=GitHub]https://github.com/threexc[/spoiler]
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