The Campaign Builder's Guild

Well, seeing as many others began - and were showing some pretty good stuff - i figured that i would try to write up some poems to share here. Bear in mind, i haven't written much for a while and i was never that good to begin with, but let me know honestly what you think, as i am eager to improve any of my work in any way possible.
Mostly these will be more free-form almost spoken word type pieces and are for the most part written spur-of-the-moment flow-of-conciousness in one go just a few minutes before i post them. I find this to be one of the only ways i can write/share poetry since if i look them back over, they will make me mad and i'll start to think they suck and then not let anyone see them.

well, here goes the first (of hopefully many).

 Me

Me
The sum and total
Turning me into who I am
What I am
Who Iâ,¬,,¢ve been
All the years, all the time, all the people
All my ancestors down the years
Down the eons
All the former meâ,¬,,¢s
Coming together
To form a sum, an end
Somewhere to pause
Neither greater nor lesser than itâ,¬,,¢s parts
No better
No worse
Just different
Unique

A long trickling stream of life
Pouring down through eternity
Coiling around its twin
Coiling like a spiral within a spiral
Coiling like forever
Coiling like a pair of snakes
Locked together
Twinned into one
Into a sole heart
A sole being
Into me

Just me

I like it.  Stylistically it seems rather similar to my own poetry.  I'm listening to the Eagles' Hotel California right now, and it actually fits the rythm surprisingly well.

I actually had something similar to the rhythm of Ani difranco's "Self Evident" running through my head as i wrote it. Hotel California is a much diferent rhythm, but it works suprisingly well.

I like the snake metaphor, the duality, and the repetition of "coiled."  I guess I just really like the second stanza.  nicely done.

Yay!  I think I started a trend...

I like what you're going for, although the cynic in me half-sneered at "Unique" (which says more about me than it does about your poetry).  For me, though, the lack of rhyme and prosody means that one often needs to compensate through imagery, assonance, alliteration, allusion, symbolism, etc.  In that respect, the poem is pretty bare.  The spiral and snake references could be expanded upon, even as simple as more descriptive adjectives (trickling stream of life seems a bit of an understatement to me), and more specific examples (such as the caduceus, rather than "any ol' snakes") would add some colour and individualise the poem.

Of course, all my poetry is very hyperbolic, so I operate in a bombastic extreme you might not be going for...

@SA: Yay for starting cool trends.
As for the comments..
- The word unique is thrown around a lot, but i felt it appropriate as i had just been speaking of the fact that i am made up of others. i felt the contrast justified it.

- As for the rhyyme scheme or lack thereof i'm often not a fan of rhymed poems. I may end up doing some later for practice (nothing teaches you mre than something you don't want to do), but for now i'm gonna stick with the flow of conciousness freeform spoken word. But yes, i know, my metapors and allusions could use work. bear in mind i've only written maybe one poem in the past 5 or 6 years (some songs too, but they were all half finished and sucked anyways)

-I had the caudaucus and other snakes as in eden and other things going through my head but just didn't see a good spot to use them. as for the spiral bit, it was comparing genes to a pair of serpents (i wanted to us the caudacus here but couldn't think of how).

Salacious, I haven't known you to be cynical before . . .
Here I tend to disagree with you, I don't think his poem needs fancy rhymes or allusions.  Your poems are, of course abundant with them, but your's is not the only style of poetry.  In the words of Wallace Stevens, my new hero, the poem of the mind "has to find what will suffice . . . It must
Be the finding of a satisfaction."
If the poem satisfies ~Tilde~, then it is perfect.

Heh.  I can't disagree with that, because it's exactly what I say in defence of my setting presentation style...

And of course, I said myself that mine is not the only style (note my own disclaimer at the end of the post).  But if he wants to work on his metaphors I'll offer suggestions to the effect.  No need for anything "fancy", merely saying that "if you're going for X effect, you might want a little more of Y."  He will, of course, take it or leave it as he sees fit, but I am forever a pedantic prick when it comes to the poetic aesthetic.

(It probably doesn't help that I feel like I've read the same poem a thousand times before.  That's cool; I guess it's a popular subject)

Quotebear in mind i've only written maybe one poem in the past 5 or 6 years

Duly noted, and I probably wouldn't be giving you this advice if you were a veteran poet as I'd be too busy ingratiating myself.

As an aside: can a dadaist give artistic criticism?

Indeed. A banana may herd the wild radio to such an extent that it may be called a travesty.


BTW, nice poems Captain Obvious.

Quote from: Salacious AngelAs an aside: can a dadaist give artistic criticism?

As an artist, he would be justified, but the ironic thing is the concept of dadaims itself.  Their Nietzchean beliefs that nothing matters and everything is dead means their art is pointless, so why create art?  If art is pointless, why criticize it?  The criticism is as pointless as the art.  The artist is dead.  The critic is dead.  Art is dead.  Why criticize the dead?  Criticism is dead.  This post is dead.