The Campaign Builder's Guild

Granted! All the songs are satirical.

I wish Peter Jackson would direct the Silmarillion into awesome movies faithful to the source material.

Granted! Peter Jackson films a total of 7 awesome movies. The studio decides to stagger their release, giving the world one awesome movie a year. However, the first movie, though awesome, is a gigantic flop as only super nerds would enjoy a movie about world building. Paramount Studios decides to cancel the other films and burns all evidence the films were ever created. You live your whole life wondering how awesome movies 2-7 would have been.

I wish I were a super bad arse Space Marine.

Granted you are now a super bad, arse space marine. The other arse marines make fun of how bad you are.

I wish I had a functional spaceship capable of taking me to other stars and galaxies in time periods of minutes-days as opposed to numerous lifetimes.

Granted! We have found a way to break the light speed barrier! Unfortunately we could only to take you there particle by particle. We may or may not have perfected putting you back together right... Sorry about that...

I wish for blackjack chewing gum.

Granted! However it is NEW Black Jack Gum - which like New Coke - is terrible.

I wish I had a magical panther buddy who protected me from the evil monsters who dwell beneath my bed.

Granted! The panther protects you, but only from those monsters that specifically dwell beneath your bed. The monsters quickly figure this out and move into the dresser, whence they are free to menace you again.

I wish I'd be a super genius.

Granted! Now everyones annoying you with inane questions, and you soon isolate yourself from everyone because they seem so unbelievably stupid.

I wish I could draw realistically as apposed to caricature.

Quote from: Higgs Boson
I wish I could shoot lightning out ofmy fingertips.

Granted.  Unfortunately, you cannot control this and accidentally kill your dearest loved one while reaching for the salt shaker during a meal together.

I wish I had a gaming group.

Granted! Unfortunately the only game they can play is tiddly winks...

I wish that the earth was pear shaped.

Granted!  Earth's newly irregular gravitational field disruptes the orbit of, well, everything in orbit.  Satelites fall like rain and the Moon is ejected.  Panic grips mankind and sends the world into chaos.

I wish the world wasn't pear shaped anymore!

Granted! It's banana shaped (no Holy Grail references intended)

I wish for a ripe banana!

Granted, the Earth crashes in your back yard and instantly flattens everything for 3000 miles.

I wish I was the ruler of my own private island nation utopia.

Granted!  You live alone on a desert island.  Silly Nomadic, you know people can't live together in any sort of utopia!

I wish NASA got more funding.

Granted! Unfortunately all the funding went to two projects: Training of future goldfish astronauts, and Project Certain Doom for the Whole Dang Planet.

I wish that I could make a decent unmicrowaved hotdog.

Granted!  Your raw hotdog tastes great but gives you Trichinosis.  The trichinella spiralis infest yoru brain, causing encephalitis.  Enjoy your seizures and potential death!

I wish flatworms and round worms didn't exist!