Now you know why ElDo is no poet

Elven Doritos · July 17, 2007, 02:59:37 PM

Oh yes, a poetry thread. Fear me. ;)
I wrote down various scribblings today during class, and couldn't help but post their final result here.

Quote from: Old Sherman's HouseA storm had spurred from north to south
My spirits charged, I know not how
The gates had squawked, the stairs had squeaked
A grin, with light in hand, I peeked

A demon there I may have roused
The day I broke into that house.

A clock would sound each second passed
Its tock a cause for nervousness
"Would silence be so bad," I thought
The echoes, creaks my steps had brought

I saw not either mouse nor louse
That day I broke into the house.

That night was rife with bright lightning
Its glare so oddly frightening
The howls of wolves my ears did meet
As wind blew quick across the sheets

Mistakes I made, I know that now!
That day I broke into this house.

The glow my light allowed did dim
My fears withal, without, within
I heard the cries of children dead
"You lie, you steal, you kill," they said

Immersed in blood, I spied a blouse
This day I broke into the house.

"It was not me," I did explain
But just begun had now their game
Through crash and shattered window pane
My body here was clearly slain

My soul still flutters all about
Within this old and filthy house.

That's all for now, the pain is over. ;)

Poseptune · July 17, 2007, 03:07:29 PM

MY EYES, THEY BURN.
ZE GOGGLEZ DO NOTHING!!

I will actually read it when I get home from work. :)

Stargate525 · July 17, 2007, 05:13:42 PM

I like it. you've got some lines that don't rhyme in my pronunciation, but it's finally a poem that I like; most of the stuff I'm made to read isn't my style.

Elven Doritos · July 17, 2007, 05:15:33 PM

Quote from: Stargate525I like it. you've got some lines that don't rhyme in my pronunciation, but it's finally a poem that I like; most of the stuff I'm made to read isn't my style.

I'll admit freely that there's not a consistent rhyme scheme I followed (though I did at least attempt couplings as often as I could), and that there are some approximations in there. Thanks for the kind words!

LordVreeg · July 17, 2007, 05:21:51 PM

The glow my light allowed did dim
My fears withal, without, within
I heard the cries of children dead
"You lie, you steal, you kill," they said

this is good. even meter (7/8/7/8), good use of words and image.
You shouldn't commit suicide over this particular piece, as this stanza is actually quite nice.
You can maim yourself over the rest of it, but this saves it.

Elven Doritos · July 17, 2007, 05:25:19 PM

Quote from: LordVreegYou shouldn't commit suicide over this particular piece, as this stanza is actually quite nice.
You can maim yourself over the rest of it, but this saves it.

Haha, I doubt I'd do something so painful over something as trivial as poetry, but thanks. If nothing else, for your brutal honesty. ;)

LordVreeg · July 17, 2007, 05:41:27 PM

'TIS A MERE FLESH WOUND!!

(*splurt*)

SDragon · July 17, 2007, 06:17:14 PM

It's like.... DR. Seuss does E. A. Poe....

No, seriously, it definitely has a vibe to it that reminds me of Poe-esque creepiness (see the stanza mentioned earlier), but alot of it rings a bit closer to a Suessian style ("I saw not either mouse nor louse/ That day I broke into the house", and similar stanzas).

It's not a style I personally prefer, but it's certainly not terrible. Especially if the Poe/Seuss thing was intended...

Stargate525 · July 17, 2007, 06:21:43 PM

I agree with sdragon, I like how you've got a kind of happy style, but horror content.

Elven Doritos · July 17, 2007, 07:21:45 PM

Horror content with a happy style, eh? The upbeat meter with dark imagery was what I was shooting for, and I'm glad that at least showed in a few places. ;)

Another one, completed from half-legible scribbles:

Quote from: Good Joe SmithJoe Smith was a fellow that you always could trust
With your secrets, or work, or just cleaning your dust.
In high regard did his neighbors quite often speak
Of Joe in the morning, then at noon, and at tea.
When asked how he was, true, none could ever deny
That young Mr. Smith was indeed quite the fun guy.
So enamored were they with this wonderful lad
That the key to the city might just have been had.
But if Joe had thought well of such friends in his life
He might not have gone home just to murder his wife.

I'm not claiming it to be any good or particularly interesting, mind you (nor probably all too original).

Stargate525 · July 17, 2007, 08:31:30 PM

that one made me giggle.

Seriously, I was mentally illustrating this in my head with little Dr. Seuss whos, and the last page's illustration... well I can't describe it here.

It's like what Dr. Seuss would write if he finally snapped. Keep going, it's hilarious.

Hibou · July 18, 2007, 09:44:48 PM

Good Joe Smith is... indeed, kind of comical in feel despite the subject matter. Interesting, though.

Elven Doritos · July 19, 2007, 08:25:48 AM

Another one, in a similar vein to Good Joe Smith.

Quote from: With Regards to J. HunterI saw mad Jim Hunter one day on the street
He mumbled and spat as he shuffled his feet
I meant then to ask him with what he was ailed
But as he kept walking, I quite lost his trail
I turned from an alley to market and asked,
"Who here knows Jim Hunter, that snarky old ass?"
One young girl did elect to respond to my cry
A vacant, dull look in her almond-shaped eyes
"My father has worked with that man," she had said
"What's wrong with that guy?" asked I, scratching my head
"Well, look," she retorted, her grimace quite clear
"You'd be sour too, were you dead for five years."

Raelifin · July 19, 2007, 08:43:44 AM

Not bad. I'm a bit confused as to who says the last bits. It sounds like she's retorting to her own comment. Or is line 10 spoken from the first person? If so, I guess I'd suggest making it a bit clearer.

Love the poems, btw. Very entertaining.

Elven Doritos · July 19, 2007, 01:39:31 PM

Quote from: RaelifinNot bad. I'm a bit confused as to who says the last bits. It sounds like she's retorting to her own comment. Or is line 10 spoken from the first person? If so, I guess I'd suggest making it a bit clearer.

I actually had the same problem when I re-read it, so I fixed it shortly before you posted. ;)

QuoteLove the poems, btw. Very entertaining.

Thanks. :D

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Now you know why ElDo is no poet

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