The Campaign Builder's Guild

Quote from: SteerpikeSo the four mages are still around, then?  Are they really long-lived or did their birth happen not so long ago?

[ooc] Yep, the four of them are still around. They don't really age anymore and are very hard to kill. I doubt anything aside from the concerted efforts of several entire Aetherial Navies or other large fighting forces could come close to killing them. Although their birth was still not too long ago, maybe four or five hundred years ago, no one is really sure. The first direct mention of the mages is the encounter between the Animator and his brother which ended up creating the Clear Bloodline, roughly four and a half centuries ago. Certain events have been theorized to be attributed to them from an even earlier times as well.

There descendants, and people who drink their blood are the only magic users around. Drinking their Heartsblood is the only way to steal their magic, but it would also kill them, not something they really want to do. Given more time I'll add bits about the exploits that they and their descendants have done. I've already mentioned Liliana Fontescue, daughter of the Annihilator.[/ooc]

[ooc] Updated first post with Boarding Action, Blue Bloods and Green Blood Biology. Once again, if there's a specific thing that intrigues you, pipe up. Comments on the prose are especially welcome.[/ooc]

I like your writing and your imagery a lot, and find this stuff compelling in a much more visceral way than your other settings because of the "on the ground" feel.  Since you're looking for comments on the prose, here are a few quibbles/nitpicks about Green Blood Biology (some of these are just opinions, a couple are genuine punctuational/grammatical mistakes):

1) After quoted speech, you should place a comma, generally speaking.  So

Quote'As far as we can tell Green Bloods have no gender. They all seem to reproduce like plants or something' the docteur said.

should be written as

Quote'As far as we can tell Green Bloods have no gender. They all seem to reproduce like plants or something,' the docteur said.

2)

QuoteThe Docteur pulled aside a large curtain that was covering a large crystal jar, roughly four feet tall talking as he did so 'Ettercaps split in three to reproduce and we don't know what triggers it. However, we do know that when sufficient food is present a large population explosion of Ettercaps happens'.

I think  the first sentence sounds strange with the integrated dialogue.  If you want to keep it, you should have a comma after "so."  Personally, I'd remove "talking as he did so" entirely and put a period after "tall," then leave the dialogue - we know it's the docteur talking, I think, especially since if there was a new speaker there needs to be a new paragraph, so we'd know from that if someone else was talking.

(3)

QuoteInside the jar was the strangest creature I had ever seen, it looked very similar to a large onion mixed with equal parts spider and ape. Greenish in color its stomach was bloated.

Great imagery, but there are some small problems here.  The first sentence is a run-on.  The central comma needs to be replaced with a semi-colon or a period.  The second technically has a fragment ("Greenish in color") but you're kind of getting away with it.  You might want to change the whole thing to something like this:

QuoteInside the jar was the strangest creature I had ever seen.  It looked very similar to a large onion mixed with equal parts spider and ape, greenish in color; its stomach was bloated.

or  

QuoteFloating inside the jar was the strangest creature I'd ever seen.  It looked very similar to a large, greenish onion mixed with equal parts spider and ape; its stomach was bloated.

(4)

QuoteFaster then the eye could blink there was a great earing sound as the creature split open. Out of its carcass crawled three smaller copies of the creature, the only thing left behind was its flaccid skin.

"earing" I think was intended as "tearing."  The second sentence is a run-on; you could replace the comma with a semi-colon or period, or change the latter clause to "leaving behind only its flaccid skin."

(5)

QuoteIn a large glass aquarium, the bottom filled with dirt we could see strange plants, similar to a head of cabbage. The docteur reached inside and pushed a few leaves aside. Gasps could be heard all around, in the middle of the leaves was a baby.

Heh very 40K orks, but they're my favorite orc/ork types anywhere (heck I've got a 2500 point army of the little green buggers).  The first sentence doesn't quite fit together properly.  You could change it to  

QuoteAt the bottom of a large glass aquarium filled with dirt we could see strange plants, similar to heads of cabbage.

Also "Gasps could be heard all around, in the middle of the leaves was a baby," is a run-on.  I'd suggest a colon or a long dash to replace the central comma.

I really like the green-blood biology and I'm enjoying your writing.   The style is for the most part good, and while you've got some run-ons, I find myself wondering whether they kind of work in the context of what you're creating.  Run-ons kind of work with stream-of-consciousness style writing, which is almost what you're creating; a few of them stick out at me as somewhat glaring, but really it depends on the effect you're going for.  If you want a polished, very "correct" style without even any technical grammatical errors I'd suggest you start experimenting with some of the less-used punctuation - dashes, semi-colons, parentheses, etc. - since they seem to suit your writing style well.

Really enjoyed the silverbloods thing.  Really.
Actually, this experiment of your jolted my admittedly jaded self into re-reading.
'Boarding action' didn't seem to work, who rammed who to board what, who was attacking, etc.

Quote from: SteerpikeI like your writing and your imagery a lot, and find this stuff compelling in a much more visceral way than your other settings because of the "on the ground" feel.  Since you're looking for comments on the prose, here are a few quibbles/nitpicks about Green Blood Biology (some of these are just opinions, a couple are genuine punctuational/grammatical mistakes):

1) After quoted speech, you should place a comma, generally speaking.  So

Quote'As far as we can tell Green Bloods have no gender. They all seem to reproduce like plants or something' the docteur said.

should be written as

Quote'As far as we can tell Green Bloods have no gender. They all seem to reproduce like plants or something,' the docteur said.

2)

QuoteThe Docteur pulled aside a large curtain that was covering a large crystal jar, roughly four feet tall talking as he did so 'Ettercaps split in three to reproduce and we don't know what triggers it. However, we do know that when sufficient food is present a large population explosion of Ettercaps happens'.

I think  the first sentence sounds strange with the integrated dialogue.  If you want to keep it, you should have a comma after "so."  Personally, I'd remove "talking as he did so" entirely and put a period after "tall," then leave the dialogue - we know it's the docteur talking, I think, especially since if there was a new speaker there needs to be a new paragraph, so we'd know from that if someone else was talking.

(3)

QuoteInside the jar was the strangest creature I had ever seen, it looked very similar to a large onion mixed with equal parts spider and ape. Greenish in color its stomach was bloated.

Great imagery, but there are some small problems here.  The first sentence is a run-on.  The central comma needs to be replaced with a semi-colon or a period.  The second technically has a fragment ("Greenish in color") but you're kind of getting away with it.  You might want to change the whole thing to something like this:

QuoteInside the jar was the strangest creature I had ever seen.  It looked very similar to a large onion mixed with equal parts spider and ape, greenish in color; its stomach was bloated.

or  

QuoteFloating inside the jar was the strangest creature I'd ever seen.  It looked very similar to a large, greenish onion mixed with equal parts spider and ape; its stomach was bloated.

(4)

QuoteFaster then the eye could blink there was a great earing sound as the creature split open. Out of its carcass crawled three smaller copies of the creature, the only thing left behind was its flaccid skin.

"earing" I think was intended as "tearing."  The second sentence is a run-on; you could replace the comma with a semi-colon or period, or change the latter clause to "leaving behind only its flaccid skin."

(5)

QuoteIn a large glass aquarium, the bottom filled with dirt we could see strange plants, similar to a head of cabbage. The docteur reached inside and pushed a few leaves aside. Gasps could be heard all around, in the middle of the leaves was a baby.

Heh very 40K orks, but they're my favorite orc/ork types anywhere (heck I've got a 2500 point army of the little green buggers).  The first sentence doesn't quite fit together properly.  You could change it to  

QuoteAt the bottom of a large glass aquarium filled with dirt we could see strange plants, similar to heads of cabbage.

Also "Gasps could be heard all around, in the middle of the leaves was a baby," is a run-on.  I'd suggest a colon or a long dash to replace the central comma.

I really like the green-blood biology and I'm enjoying your writing.   The style is for the most part good, and while you've got some run-ons, I find myself wondering whether they kind of work in the context of what you're creating.  Run-ons kind of work with stream-of-consciousness style writing, which is almost what you're creating; a few of them stick out at me as somewhat glaring, but really it depends on the effect you're going for.  If you want a polished, very "correct" style without even any technical grammatical errors I'd suggest you start experimenting with some of the less-used punctuation - dashes, semi-colons, parentheses, etc. - since they seem to suit your writing style well.

Thankyou very much. I know I tend to have tons of run on sentences. I also place commas everywhere. English wasn't my first language and I'm terrible at english grammar and wasn't really taught that much of it in school So I appreciate all the help/comments I get. I'm glad you find the imagery gets across. That was one of my worries. That and confusing people (pet peeve of mind). I'll look into other punctuation. Thanks again.

Quote from: Vreeg's Coachwhip.Really enjoyed the silverbloods thing.  Really.
Actually, this experiment of your jolted my admittedly jaded self into re-reading.
'Boarding action' didn't seem to work, who rammed who to board what, who was attacking, etc.

Thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed it. I'm not entirely satisfied with the beginning and end of Boarding action, they were added to help put in context. It didn't turn out as well as I had hoped and I'll take another crack at it later. Thanks again.

[blockquote=Llum]English wasn't my first language and I'm terrible at english grammar and wasn't really taught that much of it in school So I appreciate all the help/comments I get.[/blockquote]Well, you have a much better grasp of the language - a very rich vocabulary etc. - than many ESL individuals I've come across (I used to tutor ESL high school students so I've seen my fair share).  Run-ons are one of those tricky things that many writers (even those for whom English is their first language) use without thinking about.  Certainly in everyday speech we have run-ons all over the place.

Quote from: Steerpike[blockquote=Llum]English wasn't my first language and I'm terrible at english grammar and wasn't really taught that much of it in school So I appreciate all the help/comments I get.[/blockquote]Well, you have a much better grasp of the language - a very rich vocabulary etc. - than many ESL individuals I've come across (I used to tutor ESL high school students so I've seen my fair share).  Run-ons are one of those tricky things that many writers (even those for whom English is their first language) use without thinking about.  Certainly in everyday speech we have run-ons all over the place.

Well I went through strictly french education until University. I'm bilingual and I can speak English pretty well (and I read a ton, so I pick up a vocabulary from that) but I never really learned grammar that much. Its mostly the grammar side of things that I'm bad at.

'The Children of the Dark Splinter'....I get goose bumps with that one phrase.

[ooc] Added Silver Bloods: ii and Sacking of Arcology. Thanks Vreeg, I'm glad the prose is a little evocative.[/ooc]

[ooc]Updated with The Domes of Kalahari.[/ooc]

[ooc]Updated thread with Glace's Journal and Snowblood Mines[/ooc]

[ooc]Updated with Siddhart Village[/ooc]

The Sack of Arcology was short but satisfying.  The issues you had with 'Boarding Action' you avoided, and this was a clear cut piece, great for describing the Angels, but a little more on the atackers might have been nice.

I loved Glace's Journal.  What a great job.  You kept it in character, simple, yet you got every effect you could have wanted.  

Since you said in chat that you'd be happy with this, here it is...

this stuff is teh suxxors. terrible poopy quality. I think it made somebody's grandmother die. If Canada gets bombed off the map, it's probably to get rid of this. Stop now before your writing embarrasses the entire continent. My two year old son could write better then this, and (as far as I know) I don't even have any kids.

Since that's now five lines of flame, I think I can be a bit more serious now, huh? Heh. Anyway, I only gave this a quick scan-over, but from what I've seen, it looks pretty good. I like it. I like how "hands" is a measurement system. Is that standardized, like feet are in the real world (er, at least, in America?), or is that a subjective measurement?

Also, this part isn't about the setting, but...

Quote from: Llum

Quote from: Steerpike[blockquote=Llum]English wasn't my first language and I'm terrible at english grammar and wasn't really taught that much of it in school So I appreciate all the help/comments I get.[/blockquote]Well, you have a much better grasp of the language - a very rich vocabulary etc. - than many ESL individuals I've come across (I used to tutor ESL high school students so I've seen my fair share).  Run-ons are one of those tricky things that many writers (even those for whom English is their first language) use without thinking about.  Certainly in everyday speech we have run-ons all over the place.

Well I went through strictly french education until University. I'm bilingual and I can speak English pretty well (and I read a ton, so I pick up a vocabulary from that) but I never really learned grammar that much. Its mostly the grammar side of things that I'm bad at.

You've actually got a pretty good handle on English grammar. I think English grammar is so incredibly complicated, that it ocassionally circles back around to being simple; something that might technically be a mistake might be acceptable, due to some obscure grammar bylaw or some sort. I can second steerpike on run-on sentences being a problem for native English speakers, too.

[spoiler=Anecdote time]
I have a friend who has always been exceptional in English, and seems to have thoroughly studied every book she could find on the subject. She told me once that when she was in High School, she had an assignment that apparently had something to do with run-on sentences. One of the students did a fairly decent job on this, but it was undermined by the fact that he actually used a run-on sentence in it, so he failed the assignment. My fried, on the other hand, did an impressive job on this assignment; her submission was just one long, overbloated, rambling run-on sentence. I think she said it was about four lines long. She got a 100% grade on that assignment.[/spoiler]

Quote from: Halfling FritosSince you said in chat that you'd be happy with this, here it is...I like it. I like how "hands" is a measurement system. Is that standardized, like feet are in the real world (er, at least, in America?), or is that a subjective measurement?

A hand is roughly 4 inches.