Untitled (A poem)

[SDragon]

A blindman
see?
His eyes are shrunken
swollen in his head
has he fled, and is he dead?
Has he been born, and is he real?
We shall steal
the knight, the night
the starry-eyed knight
of the starry-skied night
I have come to fight
to defend the rite
of every countryman
or Everyman Country
gardener and baker
of flower and flour
unite under power
and underachievement
this hour is ours

This was intended to be fairly stream-of consciousness free verse, but it somehow managed to accumulate a bit more structure than I originally expected. Kudos Points to whoever can guess who I was listening to as I wrote this!

[Steerpike]

I should preface this by saying a) I'm no poet (at least not frequently) and b) good job, and glad you posted it.

Can't hazard a guess as to who you were listening to.

Should "rite" be "right" or is that a pun?

Personally I'd cut the "ands" in lines 5 and 6 and break each line into two questions.

I like the subtle patterns of repetition.  The rhyme scheme seems to drift in and out a bit, but that's OK.  Its got a kind of working class, down-to-earth texture to it.

[SDragon]

I should preface this by saying a) I'm no poet

That's all right, not everyone is.

and b) good job, and glad you posted it.

Can't hazard a guess as to who you were listening to.[/quote]Should "rite" be "right" or is that a pun?[/quote]Personally I'd cut the "ands" in lines 5 and 6 and break each line into two questions.[/quote]I like the subtle patterns of repetition.  The rhyme scheme seems to drift in and out a bit, but that's OK.[/quote]  Its got a kind of working class, down-to-earth texture to it. [/quote]

Yeah, it's a nice theme. I kinda like how that showed out.

[O Senhor Leetz]

the Mars Volta?

[SDragon]

Nope. Actually, I'm not very familiar with their stuff.

[LordVreeg]

Devolves into a powerful earthiness as it moves down the skein.  Gaining strength as it loses sophistication; quite a trick.

[SDragon]

Another, inspired by-- of all things-- something that was recently mentioned in The Tavern.

Listen!
Lutes, lyres, liars, lyricists
Laying languidly,
Loquaciously lambasting
Lust, love, life, lessons
Lament!