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Critique Godswalk

Started by Numinous, March 05, 2006, 11:26:54 AM

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Numinous

#165
June 09, 2006, 11:50:29 AM
Recap

School lets out in two days for me, so progress on the Godswalk project will resume this weekend/tonight, depending on time restraints.  My current out line looks something like this...

~ Create the rough world map and post
~ define the major regions of Egridar
~ create and define the characteristics of the Three Ages
~ create and post the Pantheon
~ brainstorm and create a list of important ascendants
~ explain why the ascendants exist
~ define the four Dead Lords
~ place the races and develop skeletal cultures for each
~ rewrite my core ethos statement

~~~~~~~~~~~hopefully this generates some questions~~~~~~~~~~~~

Longterm Goals: Prepare the setting for review in the Campaign Showcase and a possible PbP to be hosted on the CBG forums.
Previously: Natural 20, Critical Threat, Rose of Montague
- Currently working on: The Smoking Hills - A bottom-up, seat-of-my-pants, fairy tale adventure!

Xathan

#166
June 09, 2006, 05:17:23 PM
So, question: Most of what you said in that last post is something I've heard before, but what the frell are the four Dead Lords?
AnIndex of My Work

Quote from: Sparkletwist
It's llitul and the brain, llitul and the brain, one is a genius and the other's insane
Proud Receiver of a Golden Dorito
[spoiler=SRD AND OGC AND LEGAL JUNK]UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED IN THE POST, NONE OF THE ABOVE CONTENT IS CONSIDERED OGC, EXCEPT FOR MATERIALS ALREADY MADE OGC BY PRIOR PUBLISHERS
Appendix I: Open Game License Version 1.0a
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2. The License: This License applies to any Open Game Content that contains a notice indicating that the Open Game Content may only be Used under and in terms of this License. You must affix such a notice to any Open Game Content that you Use. No terms may be added to or subtracted from this License except as described by the License itself. No other terms or conditions may be applied to any Open Game Content distributed using this License.
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Open Game License v 1.0 Copyright 2000, Wizards of the Coast, Inc.
Fudge 10th Anniversary Edition Copyright 2005, Grey Ghost Press, Inc.; Authors Steffan O'Sullivan and Ann Dupuis, with additional material by Jonathan Benn, Peter Bonney, Deird'Re Brooks, Reimer Behrends, Don Bisdorf, Carl Cravens, Shawn Garbett, Steven Hammond, Ed Heil, Bernard Hsiung, J.M. "Thijs" Krijger, Sedge Lewis, Shawn Lockard, Gordon McCormick, Kent Matthewson, Peter Mikelsons, Robb Neumann, Anthony Roberson, Andy Skinner, William Stoddard, Stephan Szabo, John Ughrin, Alex Weldon, Duke York, Dmitri Zagidulin
System Reference Document Copyright 2000-2003, Wizards of the Coast, Inc.; Authors Jonathan Tweet, Monte Cook, Skip Williams, Rich Baker, Andy Collins, David Noonan, Rich Redman, Bruce R. Cordell, based on original material by E. Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson.

Modern System Reference Doument Copyright 2002, Wizards of the Coast, Inc.; Authors Bill Slavicsek, Jeff Grubb, Rich Redman, Charles Ryan, based on material by Jonathan Tweet, Monte Cook, Richard Baker, Peter Adkison, Bruce R. Cordell, John Tynes, Andy Collins, and JD Walker.

Unearthed Arcana Copyright 2004, Wizards of the Coast, Inc.; Andy Collins, Jesse Decker, David Noonan, Rich Redman.

Mutants and Masterminds Second Edition Copyright 2005, Green Ronin Publishing; Steve Kenson
Fate (Fantastic Adventures in Tabletop Entertainment) Copyright 2003 by Evil Hat Productions, LLC. Authors Robert Donoghue and Fred Hicks.
Spirit of the Century Copyright 2006 by Evil Hat Productions, LLC. Authors Robert Donoghue, Fred Hicks, and Leonard Balsera
Xathan's forum posts at http://www.thecbg.org Copyright 2006-2011, J.A. Raizman.
[/spoiler]

Numinous

#167
June 09, 2006, 05:31:20 PM
The Dead Lords

The Dead Lords are four undead of immense power, located in the far corners of Egridar.  They were once the most powerful agents of Tanultsep*, master of entropy.  Each holds a share of his power since his passing, and should they work together, they might be able to revive their dead lord.  Thankfully, they're endless webs of plots and schemes have left them opposing eachother at every turn and they are therefore unable to cooperate successfully.

The four Dead lords, or the Masters of the Wastes are...

[note]The information presented here about the dead lords applies to the Second Age, the time where order reigned supreme.[/note]

[spoiler=Boreas]Boreas is a cunning master of deception, and was in charge of the spies and informational resources for the church of Tanultsep.  A Great wyrm White Dragon, Boreas was a powerful supporter of his lord, and often lent his considerable personal might to the aid of his master.  After Tanultsep's power corrupted the Wastes, Boreas undertook the ritual to become a dracolich in order to extend his life.  He now pursues any leads which might enable him to resurrect his lord and place himself in his risen master's good graces.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Zephyr]Zephyr was once a devout member of the clergy in Tanultsep's following, closely adhering to it's teachings.  He swiftly rose through it's ranks through both diplomacy and brutal violence, becoming the Arch-clerical adminstrator in an astoundingly short period of time.  with this position, he was granted a great gift, as he became the first true vampire.  With the most charming face of death, he was soon able to convert even more to the faith of his dark god.

When the church collapsed at the time of their god's fall, Zephyr's faith went on unharmed, as he believed that the lord of death cannot truely be killed, as his domain is eternal.  Since the obliteration of his followers, Zephyr works to spread the teachings of his lord subtly throughout the world and prepare the realm for his return from beyond the veil.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Notus]A great general, notus was a brutal man during his time.  Contrary to the usual mannerisms of his race, this titan was a brutal fighter and cruel commander.  Appointed to be the commander of the military forces loyal to his divine master, he led his armies to many victories.  His cunning and tactical knowledge were renowned throughout the land, and even his enemies respected him.  When Tanultsep fell, all of his troops left him, and his position was stripped from him by the rival churches.  After this travesty against his honor, he was forced to retreat into the southern wastes, where he acquired aid from the other dead lords and was mummified ao that he could be ready for his lord's return.  Since he was awakened by a rather unfortunate group of adventurer's however, he has become quite insane and has begun spreading his influence again.  This is no harmless madness however, but an intelligent psychotic manner, a brutal and crazed mind.  The other Lords now see him as a liability, as he ironically is the epitomy of his master's teachings in that he represents pure and unrestrained violence and evil.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Eurus]Eurus was a powerful mage and necromancer since a time just after the beginning of time.  With his great powers, he would create grand armies of undead to purge his "kingdom" of the living so that he could pursue his studies in peace.  Once, he obliterated a group of missionaries spreading the message of Tanultsep.  Now, instead of destroying this archmage, tanultsep saw a valuable agent on the world of mortals, and so attempted to gain the trust of this mortal.   appearing to him in a dream, Tanultsep offered Eurus immortality and an inability to suffer in exchange for his services as an arcane consultant, a church in his realm, and an undead army.  To this Eurus did agree, and so he became a most powerful wraith.  now, after his master's departure, he seeks to bring bak his lord out of fear that the gifts he has been granted will be taken away and he will be left mortal once again.[/spoiler]

*Tanultsep is a tentative name for the god of entropy, disease, and death.
Previously: Natural 20, Critical Threat, Rose of Montague
- Currently working on: The Smoking Hills - A bottom-up, seat-of-my-pants, fairy tale adventure!

Xathan

#168
June 09, 2006, 09:45:30 PM
Love them, Crit. Great stuff there - I think Eurus is my favorite of the Dead Lords, since he was so powerful that Tanultsep turned him rather than outright destroyed him. Plus, wraiths are some of the creepiest undead to me.
AnIndex of My Work

Quote from: Sparkletwist
It's llitul and the brain, llitul and the brain, one is a genius and the other's insane
Proud Receiver of a Golden Dorito
[spoiler=SRD AND OGC AND LEGAL JUNK]UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED IN THE POST, NONE OF THE ABOVE CONTENT IS CONSIDERED OGC, EXCEPT FOR MATERIALS ALREADY MADE OGC BY PRIOR PUBLISHERS
Appendix I: Open Game License Version 1.0a
The following text is the property of Wizards of the Coast, Inc. and is Copyright 2000 Wizards of the Coast, Inc ("Wizards"). All Rights Reserved.
1. Definitions: (a)"Contributors" means the copyright and/or trademark owners who have contributed Open Game Content; (b)"Derivative Material" means copyrighted material including derivative works and translations (including into other computer languages), potation, modification, correction, addition, extension, upgrade, improvement, compilation, abridgment or other form in which an existing work may be recast, transformed or adapted; (c) "Distribute" means to reproduce, license, rent, lease, sell, broadcast, publicly display, transmit or otherwise distribute; (d)"Open Game Content" means the game mechanic and includes the methods, procedures, processes and routines to the extent such content does not embody the Product Identity and is an enhancement over the prior art and any additional content clearly identified as Open Game Content by the Contributor, and means any work covered by this License, including translations and derivative works under copyright law, but specifically excludes Product Identity. (e) "Product Identity" means product and product line names, logos and identifying marks including trade dress; artifacts; creatures characters; stories, storylines, plots, thematic elements, dialogue, incidents, language, artwork, symbols, designs, depictions, likenesses, formats, poses, concepts, themes and graphic, photographic and other visual or audio representations; names and descriptions of characters, spells, enchantments, personalities, teams, personas, likenesses and special abilities; places, locations, environments, creatures, equipment, magical or supernatural abilities or effects, logos, symbols, or graphic designs; and any other trademark or registered trademark clearly identified as Product identity by the owner of the Product Identity, and which specifically excludes the Open Game Content; (f) "Trademark" means the logos, names, mark, sign, motto, designs that are used by a Contributor to identify itself or its products or the associated products contributed to the Open Game License by the Contributor (g) "Use", "Used" or "Using" means to use, Distribute, copy, edit, format, modify, translate and otherwise create Derivative Material of Open Game Content. (h) "You" or "Your" means the licensee in terms of this agreement.
2. The License: This License applies to any Open Game Content that contains a notice indicating that the Open Game Content may only be Used under and in terms of this License. You must affix such a notice to any Open Game Content that you Use. No terms may be added to or subtracted from this License except as described by the License itself. No other terms or conditions may be applied to any Open Game Content distributed using this License.
3. Offer and Acceptance: By Using the Open Game Content You indicate Your acceptance of the terms of this License.
4. Grant and Consideration: In consideration for agreeing to use this License, the Contributors grant You a perpetual, worldwide, royalty-free, non-exclusive license with the exact terms of this License to Use, the Open Game Content.
5. Representation of Authority to Contribute: If You are contributing original material as Open Game Content, You represent that Your Contributions are Your original creation and/or You have sufficient rights to grant the rights conveyed by this License.
6. Notice of License Copyright: You must update the COPYRIGHT NOTICE portion of this License to include the exact text of the COPYRIGHT NOTICE of any Open Game Content You are copying, modifying or distributing, and You must add the title, the copyright date, and the copyright holder's name to the COPYRIGHT NOTICE of any original Open Game Content you Distribute.
7. Use of Product Identity: You agree not to Use any Product Identity, including as an indication as to compatibility, except as expressly licensed in another, independent Agreement with the owner of each element of that Product Identity. You agree not to indicate compatibility or co-adaptability with any Trademark or Registered Trademark in conjunction with a work containing Open Game Content except as expressly licensed in another, independent Agreement with the owner of such Trademark or Registered Trademark. The use of any Product Identity in Open Game Content does not constitute a challenge to the ownership of that Product Identity. The owner of any Product Identity used in Open Game Content shall retain all rights, title and interest in and to that Product Identity.
8. Identification: If you distribute Open Game Content You must clearly indicate which portions of the work that you are distributing are Open Game Content.
9. Updating the License: Wizards or its designated Agents may publish updated versions of this License. You may use any authorized version of this License to copy, modify and distribute any Open Game Content originally distributed under any version of this License.
10 Copy of this License: You MUST include a copy of this License with every copy of the Open Game Content You Distribute.
11. Use of Contributor Credits: You may not market or advertise the Open Game Content using the name of any Contributor unless You have written permission from the Contributor to do so.
12 Inability to Comply: If it is impossible for You to comply with any of the terms of this License with respect to some or all of the Open Game Content due to statute, judicial order, or governmental regulation then You may not Use any Open Game Material so affected.
13 Termination: This License will terminate automatically if You fail to comply with all terms herein and fail to cure such breach within 30 days of becoming aware of the breach. All sublicenses shall survive the termination of this License.
14 Reformation: If any provision of this License is held to be unenforceable, such provision shall be reformed only to the extent necessary to make it enforceable.
15 COPYRIGHT NOTICE
Open Game License v 1.0 Copyright 2000, Wizards of the Coast, Inc.
Fudge 10th Anniversary Edition Copyright 2005, Grey Ghost Press, Inc.; Authors Steffan O'Sullivan and Ann Dupuis, with additional material by Jonathan Benn, Peter Bonney, Deird'Re Brooks, Reimer Behrends, Don Bisdorf, Carl Cravens, Shawn Garbett, Steven Hammond, Ed Heil, Bernard Hsiung, J.M. "Thijs" Krijger, Sedge Lewis, Shawn Lockard, Gordon McCormick, Kent Matthewson, Peter Mikelsons, Robb Neumann, Anthony Roberson, Andy Skinner, William Stoddard, Stephan Szabo, John Ughrin, Alex Weldon, Duke York, Dmitri Zagidulin
System Reference Document Copyright 2000-2003, Wizards of the Coast, Inc.; Authors Jonathan Tweet, Monte Cook, Skip Williams, Rich Baker, Andy Collins, David Noonan, Rich Redman, Bruce R. Cordell, based on original material by E. Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson.

Modern System Reference Doument Copyright 2002, Wizards of the Coast, Inc.; Authors Bill Slavicsek, Jeff Grubb, Rich Redman, Charles Ryan, based on material by Jonathan Tweet, Monte Cook, Richard Baker, Peter Adkison, Bruce R. Cordell, John Tynes, Andy Collins, and JD Walker.

Unearthed Arcana Copyright 2004, Wizards of the Coast, Inc.; Andy Collins, Jesse Decker, David Noonan, Rich Redman.

Mutants and Masterminds Second Edition Copyright 2005, Green Ronin Publishing; Steve Kenson
Fate (Fantastic Adventures in Tabletop Entertainment) Copyright 2003 by Evil Hat Productions, LLC. Authors Robert Donoghue and Fred Hicks.
Spirit of the Century Copyright 2006 by Evil Hat Productions, LLC. Authors Robert Donoghue, Fred Hicks, and Leonard Balsera
Xathan's forum posts at http://www.thecbg.org Copyright 2006-2011, J.A. Raizman.
[/spoiler]

Numinous

#169
June 16, 2006, 09:45:12 PM
A piece of fiction about a dragon and his dinner.  Just some background, coldeyes is a sorceror, a goblin. and he is in the very cold mountains.  I think that's enough...

[ic=Coldeyes Sherak]The snow never stops up hereâ,¬Â¦  sighâ,¬Â¦  What am I even doing out here?  I should be back home, eatinâ,¬,,¢ my potatoesâ,¬Â¦  but no, I had to have a vision!  So now Iâ,¬,,¢m out here freezing to death just to find some damned treasureâ,¬Â¦  Wha?  What was that?  

A shadow passes over the ground in front of you, shortly followed by a flurry of snow and a roaring sound.  When the icy cloud clears, you can see a massive beast in front of youâ,¬Â¦  Itâ,¬,,¢s scales prove a striking contrast to the snow, as their crimson seems to melt the snow just from their hue.  You know this is not the case however, as before you lies a beast of fire.  You stare cruelly at itâ,¬,,¢s fangs, doing your best to hide your shaking knees.

â,¬Å"Why, hello little earthkin.  What are you doing so far from the village this late at night?â,¬Â  Itâ,¬,,¢s voice rumbles across the hill, making your chest constrict from fear.   You know that he will not let you go, only the strongest live to tell of a dragonâ,¬Â¦  So instead, you make a choice, quite possibly your lastâ,¬Â¦  Ã¢,¬Å"I was out on a mission from the elders, they sent me to speak with you.  I was to give you thisâ,¬Â¦Ã¢,¬Â.  Reaching your hand into a belt pouch, your tiny red hand clutches the bird-skull totem your grandfather left you.  Calling upon energies deep inside you, you fling your hand forth, right into the dragonâ,¬,,¢s curious face.  With a guttural cry, you send forth a blast of color into at the beastâ,¬,,¢s orbs of sight.  Swiftly now, you turn around to the sound of the beastâ,¬,,¢s thrashing in the snow and sounds of rage.  Hopefully, youâ,¬,,¢ve bought enough time to make it to the forestâ,¬,,¢s edge.  Hopefullyâ,¬Â¦
[/ic]
Previously: Natural 20, Critical Threat, Rose of Montague
- Currently working on: The Smoking Hills - A bottom-up, seat-of-my-pants, fairy tale adventure!

Raelifin

#170
June 17, 2006, 12:16:17 PM
The second person naritive there threw me off. It just looks a bit odd.

Numinous

#171
June 17, 2006, 12:29:32 PM
Sorry about that, I'm still trying to work out some of the bugs in my writing style right now.  

Also of note, there have been updates on the official thread, which can be found here.
Previously: Natural 20, Critical Threat, Rose of Montague
- Currently working on: The Smoking Hills - A bottom-up, seat-of-my-pants, fairy tale adventure!

Numinous

#172
July 01, 2006, 04:14:00 PM
Just a small update for y'all who actually read this.  I'm working on the setting during the First Age right now, so that I can actually run a PbP in it.  My current project right now is races, and i'll tell you what I've got.

The plan right now is to make 6 tribes, known collectively as the "Lesser Peoples".  Each will vary based on their culture and region of origin, with minor cosmetic differences reflecting this.  These races are expected to inter-breed to the point of becoming standard PHB humans by the Second Age.  There will be one race with a bonus to each ability score, and a respective race with each penalty.  I'm also toying with the possibility of allowing a human to play one of the "tribes" in the second age as well, if only for a more exotic character.  Anyway, here are 3 of the Tribes that I've finished so far.  Keep in mind that these are just sketchy outlines.  If you can help in balancing them though, please do.

[spoiler=Northspear Tribe]Northspear Tribe
Medium Humanoid
+2 Str, -2 Dex: Members of the Northspear tribe are physically strong, but slow in action.
Speed:30 ft.
+2 Racial bonus on survival checks
Members of the Northspear tribe have are automatically proficient with the Spear and Longspear.
Cold Acclimated:  NorthSpears have a +2 racial bonus on saving throws against all cold spells and effects. NorthSpearss are accustomed to enduring Low temperatures.[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Horsebrother Tribe]Horsebrother Tribe
Medium humanoid
+2 Cha, -2 Wis: Members of the horsebrother tribe have an endearing nature, but tend to be simple-minded.
Speed:30 ft.
+2 Racial bonus to Handle Animal, Ride, and Spot checks
+1 racial Bonus on attack rolls with thrown weapons, and an additional +1 on attack rolls made from horseback.
(Ex) 1/dayâ,¬'speak with animals (horses only, duration 1 minute)[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Leafwhisper Tribe]Leafwhisper Tribe
Small Humanoid
+2 Dex, -2 Con: Members of the Leafwhisper Tribe are extremely agile, but their light bodies aren't very durable.
Small: As a Small creature, a member of the Leafwhisper Tribe gains a +1 size bonus to Armor Class, a +1 size bonus on attack rolls, and a +4 size bonus on Hide checks, but she uses smaller weapons than humans use, and her lifting and carrying limits are three-quarters of those of a Medium character.
+2 racial bonus to Jump, Climb, and Balance checks.
Low-light vision out to 60 ft.
All members of the Leafwhisper Tribe have Martial Weapon Proficiency(Shortbow) and Martial Weapon Proficiency(Longbow) as bonus feats at first level.
The skill Craft(Trapmaking) is always treated as a class skill for a member of the Leafwhisper Tribe.[/spoiler]

I'm really inexperienced with actually writing out statblocks for races, so if anyone wants to point out mistakes, please do.

So, what do you think?
Previously: Natural 20, Critical Threat, Rose of Montague
- Currently working on: The Smoking Hills - A bottom-up, seat-of-my-pants, fairy tale adventure!

Numinous

#173
July 03, 2006, 02:05:25 PM
Due to the limited mounts of feedback which I have received, and my apparent dependence on this feedbeck, I have decided to "disappear".  I will still comment where I can on the boards, but Godswalk has now officially become top priority for me.  Hopefully by the time I return, I will have something worthy to show for my efforts.  So, my work now officially joins Xathan's pattern as entering te guise of secret project #1, #2, etc.  Have fun wondering, and hopefully I'll have some reasonable quality material posted in the coming months.
Previously: Natural 20, Critical Threat, Rose of Montague
- Currently working on: The Smoking Hills - A bottom-up, seat-of-my-pants, fairy tale adventure!

Túrin

#174
July 04, 2006, 07:55:49 AM
Good luck and good inspiration, Critical Threat!
Proud owner of a Golden Dorito Award
My setting Orden's Mysteries is no longer being updated


"Then shall the last battle be gathered on the fields of Valinor. In that day Tulkas shall strive with Melko, and on his right shall stand Fionwe and on his left Turin Turambar, son of Hurin, Conqueror of Fate; and it shall be the black sword of Turin that deals unto Melko his death and final end; and so shall the Children of Hurin and all men be avenged." - J.R.R. Tolkien, The Shaping of Middle-Earth
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