The Campaign Builder's Guild

Post your favorite quotes. They can be stupid things people have said, they can be funny, they can be serious. Whatever floats your boat. :D

This one is...wow.

Dennis Rodman

Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is ten, or something.

"I heard where it was a misery wrapped in an enema.  That can't be good."  
---Fred Colon
 Terry Pratchett, Jingo



edit:  #666, the post of the Beast.

Stuff by the entities that make up K on the WotC forumns.

Quote from: "Why would I listen to an Aristocrat? I'm a frickin' Wizard. I can set his whole house on fire with my mind!"

"That stuff is all sacred to Nerull, so we should desecrate it thoroughly. I'm going to need more beer."

"100 pounds of gold for a house? How does anyone make rent without a wheelbarrow?"

"With great powers come laser eyebeams."

"A Turtle am I? Let's see how Turtlike Iâ,¬Â¦ CANâ,¬Â¦ BE!" And with that, the mage was a giant turtle.

Spellbooks:
"Warning: may contain Explosive Runes."

I prepared Expolsive Runes today.[/quote]

Groucho Marx

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.



Winona Ryder

I feel my best when Iâ,¬,,¢m happy.

.....really?

"It is an old maxim of mine that when you have excluded the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
 - Sherlock Holmes

"Only a mountain has lived long enough to listen objectively to the cry of a wolf."
- Aldo Leopold

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
-Albert Einstein

Imagination is more important than knowledge...
-Albert Einstein

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
-Albert Einstein

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-Albert Einstein

"People who bite the hand that feeds them usually lick the boot that kicks them." --Eric Hoffer

"Language was invented to ask questions. Answers may be given by grunts and gestures, but questions must be spoken. Humanness came of age when man asked the first question. Social stagnation results not from a lack of answers but from the absence of the impulse to ask questions." --Eric Hoffer

"The only index by which to judge a government or a way of life is by the quality of the people it acts upon. No matter how noble the objectives of a government, if it blurs decency and kindness, cheapens human life, and breeds ill will and suspicion- it is an evil government." --Eric Hoffer

"In any situation, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; and the worse thing you can do is nothing."
- Abraham Lincoln

"Either those curtains go, or I do."
Oscar Wilde's last words

"A mind all logic is like a knife all blade: it wounds the hand that uses it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

"Plunge into the deep without fear, with the gladness of April in your heart."
-Rabindranath Tagore

"I have spent my days stringing and unstringing my instrument, while the song I came to sing remains unsung."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Here is my collection, I hope you all enjoy it.

EDIT: Huh, I tried to attach someting to that...

[spoiler=Massive number of quotes]
"What the hell is a PENGUIN doing with a bastard sword!?" - Burner, 10/23/03

"Planets, as objects, are immune to critical hits.." - Elmaster of Thay, 12/26/03

"One always returns to D&D, though. It calls to you. Like pizza." --Mythmere, 05/19/04

"what kind of situation can't be made any better by having a wild tarrasque tossed in the mix?" -- Kyuketsukiouji, 03/01/04

"Repeat to yourself, 'It's just a game, I should really just relax'." -- Salla, 07/01/04

"The ground gets a turn just like everyone else, and it simply readies an action, waiting to strike at anyone who falls towards it." --Phrennzy 07/14/04

"Years from now, we'll look back on this moment, laugh nervously, and change the subject." --Celerian 07/14/05

"That was your brilliant plan? "I have a wand"? Hell, my PCs devise more complex strategies for securing rooms at an inn." --Arrowhen 08/29/05

"There is no entry in the Monster Manual for 'Cow', hence there are no cows in D&D." --Phrennzy 11/15/05

Nindyn vel'uss kyorl nind ratha thalra elghinn dal lil alust  those who spend their days looking for daggers in their back usually meets death from the front

"Some solve problems by thinking and talking, others use rocks."

Special Abilities:
Quoting Resistance 200 (you need to roll d20+number of posts you ever done to overcome it)
Divine Grace (adds his Charisma modifier to the maximum length of sig)
Word Evasion (whenever succeeds a saving throw against somebody correcting his mistake, he takes no honor damage)
Mastery of Quoting (constantly protected with Word Turning effect)
Instant Metaquoting (1/day when qouting somebody can add an metaquoting sentence to it without increasing the qoute's space)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ephemoren
A man once asked Confucius: "Is it proper to respond to evil with kindness?"
Confucius told him: "Kindness should be responded with kindness, but evil should be responded with justice."


Quote:
Originally Posted by kedi
A man once asked kedi:
"Is it proper to respond to evil with kindness?"
"Burn it anyway."
"Errrr..."
"Burn it like there's no tomorrow."

Do the Kirby!
<(^^)> ^(^^)^ v(^^)v (>^^)> <(^^<)

I would manifest reality revision, just so that I could kill you in a unique way, but I do not feel like giving you the satisfaction of seeing my experience points used up.
Lame! I'll take a phrenic thirty-headed paragon Tarrasque any day!

There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those that understand binary, and those that don't

"Masks hide only the face on the outside". - Esme Weatherwax

Originally Posted by Vharuck
41) You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because YOU ARE ALL LIVING IN A REALITY OF MY DESIGN!


I'm going to be a banshee when I grow up!
The hobbits are hungry, and they do not like you...
Gollum, dreidels, and LSD do not mix.


351. Epic wizard takes over a huge city just so he can wage war on everything.
352. Said wizard gets board and turns everything on the planet other than himself into a penguin.

"I think I shall .....then take a wife, bring up children, till the land, and undermine the morals of my peasants by distilling vast quantities of brandy. If, in ten years or so, you visit this part of the world, you will find a fellow with a big moustache who curses and swears immoderately, detests the French, and flogs his hounds and servants brutally, though all the while tyrannised over by his wife. I shall wear leather breeches, let people make fun of me at the wool market in Stettin, and if they address me as 'herr Baron', I shall stroke my moustache good-naturedly and sell my wool two talers cheaper in consequence. Indeed, I shall get drunk pretty often, and shall be always talking about crops and horses."
---Otto Von Bismarck, in a letter to the American John Motley, at age 19.

One die to rule them all, one die to find them,
Once die to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.


Gods, grant me the Will save to accept the things I cannot change
The DM to fudge the rolls of things I can
And a Wisdom high enough with the sufficient bonus to know the difference.
--Kalidor's Prayer

"The aim of the RPG is not to eventually create a story. Any story that evolves during or after play is a bonus that is developed by the participants who enjoyed playing a game." - E. Gary Gygax

"Don't ya hate it when you're life is a play and you're the only one who doesn't know the lines?"
                                     ~Tony Fish(Me!)

"You are not only wrong in your call, but possibly are the worst DM ever, akin to some sort of biblical plague. I'm surprised that your players don't start bleeding from their eyes or spontaneously combusting from being in the same room with you, let alone survive subjecting themselves to what you've termed a game." --Bitnine, my hero of sarcasm.

Never argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience, every time.

Cleric 3: 200Gp Holy Items
Wizard 3: 500Gp Scrolls and Books
True Necromancer 14: 2000gp in Black Onyx
Having enough power to animate 200HD of undead: Priceless

"It is my experience that idiots are pretty rare. If everyone you meet is an idiot, chances are it isn't them." -William Knite

Player: I never saw it!! I swear...
DM: ...its colossal size and red ...and breathing fire...
Player: yeah but the sun was in my eyes!!
DM: ...ITS NIGHT TIME!!!!!

Sword of True Striking
Every attack with this weapon is made at +20 to hit.
strong brokenation
Prerequisites: CL novice; 5 ranks in Stupid DM, 20 levels in munchkin player;
Market Price: unavailable in most campaigns; freely given in Oz.

WHAT since when do we have a Base attack bounus!-Ranger
NO I said I prepare my spells! (me) no you didnt you have to meditate (him) the hell I didnt. gets up and walk out my door-Druid
I can play lute In the middle of town LUTE SOLO (me) ok roll preform check *rolls a 1* (him) no I had Metallica mastery cast I win I win-Bard



it's all in how you mix the two and it starts just where the light exists it's a feeling that you cannot miss and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it

well you're never gonna find it if you're looking for it won't come your way well you'll never find it if you're looking for it should've done something but I've done it enough by the way your hands were shaking rather waste some time with you and you never would have thought in the end how amazing it feels just to live again it's a feeling that you cannot miss it burns a hole through everyone that feels it well you're never gonna find it if you're looking for it won't come your way well you'll never find it if you're looking for it . . .

she said "its not that i dont love you anymore, but it would be much more accurate to say that i never loved you in the first place."

If the ocean was vodka and i was a duck id swim to the bottom and never come up.but the oceans not vodka, im not a duck so pass the bottle and shut the fuck up!

* "Lord and Master, Crimson Dragon Dyonysus, your servant Patsy humbly informs you that there is a group of heroes come to challenge you."
      "What are they, 1st-level warriors?"
      "No, my lord."
      "4th-level dwarf fighters?"
      "I'm afraid not."
      "Elves?"
      "No, lord."
      "Well what then? Speak."
      "It appears to be an adventuring party, my lord. They've got a woman clad only in rags who punched through our portcullis with her bare hands, an angry looking chap with a rediculously huge sword, a wizard that seems to have blown up or melted all of our conscripts, and a very short person who seems to have stolen all of our tapestries."
      "Aw, crap. I'm not powerful enough for a TPK... I know! Fair Patsy, go out and tell them that your just and incredibly sexy dragon lord has just stepped out for a meal. "
"My lord, your wisdom is eternal."

As long as mankind exists in this world, there will always be battles. And denouncing battles will never lead to peace. It is natural for this world to continue fighting."
Treize Khushrenada (Gundam Wing)

Have you also checked out the Arcane spell Gullibility in the 3.5 player's handbook? Highly amusing!

Long ago....
i said i'd die for you
After all this time.....
It's still true
        ~Jamie


-DM: What are you trying to do?
Ranger: im going to go look for an animal companion
DM: You arent fourth level yet, there are no animals in the forest
Bard: why don't you just get some wolf eggs?
Wizard: haha,... you're dumb.

-DM: most animals drink milk when they are kittens.
-Bard(ooc): i cant run away, ill look like a pansy.
DM: Jack, you're a bard.
Bard: Oh, right... I am a pansy

-I run a dojo of coolness

-dating is prostitution only you don't always get what you paid for

Originally Posted by Hiryuu
After a trip to the plane of radiance, he does, indeed, have sunshine in a bag.
Quote:
Originally Posted by R.M.G.C.L.F.
If you have negative energy powering evil undead and positive energy for good ones, what the hell are the neutral ones powered by? D cell batteries?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melpomene
It would be my choice that, despite all the flavour, when two opposite forces pull; chaos and law, good and evil, orc and elf; the result is human.
Quote:
Originally Posted by UltimateReality
The homebrew doesn't have much for feats except possibly:
-Look, I'm an Elf Variant!: gain +2 to one stat, -2 to another, only taken once and at first level.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaerad
Btw, I know there wasn't much of a question here. I was kinda looking for some smart dudes to come in and be like, "RAW this is what this is and you can only do this" and then have some guys be all "well it makes sense that you can like this and that is the way that like they like to like how things make this into liking that and for all that you should get it." You know, what basically every thread turns into after 3 posts.

Originally Posted by JStegmaier
Translation: I haven't read the book. I haven't read the feat. But, I'll offer my opinion anyway. Don't worry, my opinion is about as well informed as that of a three-year-old's opinion on the living conditions of fourth planet orbitting Alpha Centauri A, so you don't need listen to me

DM: Alright, ya'll shutup now!
*everyone quiets*
DM: Ok, Cognic (yours truly) what do you want to do again?
Me: I was gonna go get a soda, want one?
DM: ...What kind?
Me: Pepsi
DM: *rolls dice* Nah...

sonic orb? how exactly does that work? what, you just conjured an orb of damaging sound from somewhere and threw it at someone.... riiii-iiight... 'cause you know, them things is lyin' around all over the place. why, just the other day i saw three of 'em sittin' on my front lawn, just waitin' ta get conjured. you know, right next to the orb of non-magical force dispensing machine. not to mention the non-magical orbs containing a non-solid (non-magical) material at near absolute 0 my neighbour has. they make such beautiful lawn ornaments.

"Then, suddenly, you behold the beholder beholding you beholding it and BEHOLD! . . . . . . . . roll d20 . . . " - Tony the DM 1981

Emo girls just want to kiss emo boys, emo boys just want to kiss other emo boys, and they all want to wear tight pants and take lots of pictures of themselves. End of story.

~Brandans Friend, Shane.

"Life's like a box of chocolates, largely in that I kinda wish I had one."-B. D. L. M.

Its very simple really. The Fighter gets to 20th Level by keeping the wizard alive at 1st level so many times that the wizard is utterly indebted to said fighter. Then, in the mid levels, the fighter serves as the physical imposition between the wizard and the baddies so the wizard has time to blast said baddies to the stone age. Then, at high levels, the Fighter stands near the wizard sipping tequila sunrises watching the fireworks and hauling off the treasure to pay for the wizard school so his children can be wizards instead of fighters.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Emperor Napolean Bonaparte

THE LORD OF THE DICE:

It began with the forging of the Great Dice.

Three were given to the Rules Lawyers:
Unstoppable, smartest and most knowladgeable of all beings.

Seven to the Role-Players:
Great players story tellers of the game tables.

And nine.....nine dice were gifted to the Min/Maxers:
Who above all else, desire power.

For within these dice was bound the the strength and will to lead each cult.
But they were all of them decived, for another die was made.
In the land of Garweeze, in the caffeine waters of Mount BOOM, the Dark Lord Kenzer forged in secret a Master Die to control all others. And into the Die he poured his luck, his chaotic evil, and his will to dominate all game sessions.


One Die to rule them all.

One by one the free tables of GenCon fell to the power of the Die, but there were some who resisted.
A last alliance of Min/Maxers and Rules Lawyers marched against the mind slaves of Garweeze and on the slopes of Mount BOOM, they fought for the freedom of GenCon.
Victory was near....

But the power of the Die could not be undone
________________________________________________________________

Wait for the boy who can make an oridionary moment seem magical. The kind of boy who brings out the best in you and makes you want to become a better person. Wait for the boy who wants to be your best friend. The boy who will drop everything at any time for you no matter what the circumstances. Wait for the boy who makes you smile like no one else. And when he smiles your heart melts and you know he needs you. But most of all wait for the boy who will put you in the center of his universe, because that is where you belong


"I want to hear you talk, I want to hear you breathe, I want to hear your heart beat because that's the only way I know I'm still alive"
                        ~Me

3/27/04
Amanda: "I have a vorpal letter opener and we need some rope.."
Cunningham: "I have the rum."
Amanda: "We don't need any rum."
Cunninghame: "You don't."

Dude, in a game where mages throw fire and lightning, and the cleric can bring people back from the dead with the wave of a hand, dervishes kill 20 opponents in 6 seconds, war hulks / hulking hurlers can throw boulders the size of pluto, and halfling ranger/exemplars can hide from you while standing ten feet away in broad daylight, in the middle of the desert, with absolutely nothing between the two of you; are you really going to complain that the group has the ability to open a friggin door?
- from a discussion of not brokenness of "knock".

"You can look at the road ahead of you, or you can stare in the rear view mirror.  But, if you are looking into the mirror you are probably going to crash"

"Hard work may pay off in the long run, but laziness always pays off right now!"
                                                                          ~Elan, Order of the Stick

"Dragons: color-coded for your convenience"
                                                               ~Elan, Order of the Stick

"Love makes the world go round.  And has been known to provide a +2 circumstance bonus to certain skill checks"              
                                                                  ~Varsuuvius, Order of the Stick

"Look at us, crowded into our matchbox-like little world. Seperated into good and bad according to the standards set by adults. Stripped of our wings and forced into compliance."

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought,
but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
- Albert Einstein

If stupidity were bricks, you'd be the Great Wall of China!

Well, I'd tell you, but since the story involves a kender, three LeShay exotic dancers, a bottle of something powerful enough to get a living contruct drunk, the Lady of Pain's garterbelt and a time travel device, you probably wouldn't believe me anyways. Which is a shame, because it was really one heck of an adventure...


Q:Whats the sound of a dark elf getting fried by Lightning Bolt?

A: DRIZZT.

"I think that the character should be the primary focus, and not the class." â,¬' WolfHati

"In fact, the highest, subtlest, most effective form of powergaming of all is to play the character your DM wishes he were playing." -- Tony Vargas

I am never wrong, merely misinformed, incorrect or making it up

You woudn't understand, you're not 15th level - Nick "The Terrible" Terube

Whoa, wait a damn minute! I could swear I just got compared to a Mindflayer! â,¬' Jukar

Shiny Blue Lightning
Evocation
Level: DM 0
Componants: V, S, F
Casting Time: Free Action
Range: Infinite
Targets: Any number of offending PC's
Duration: However long it takes
Saving Throw: None
Spell Resistance: No

A bolt of shining blue lightning materialises out of nowhere directly above the offending PC and hits him dealing Xd6 damage where X is equal to the Dm's choice. Afterwards it is explained to the player exactly why his PC just got hit by lightning.

Focus: Shiny Blue Dice (Not necessary, For effect only)

Is it harder to forgive.... or be the one who has to  be forgiven? ~Me

Ed: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
Eric: A gazebo? What color is it?
Ed: [pause] It's white, Eric.
Eric: How far away is it?
Ed: About 50 yards.
Eric: How big is it?
Ed: [pause] It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
Eric: I use my sword to detect good on it.
Ed: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.
Eric: [pause] I call out to it.
Ed: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.
Eric: [pause] I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?
Ed: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!
Eric: I shoot it with my bow. [roll to hit] What happened?
Ed: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
Eric: [pause] Wasn't it wounded?
Ed: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO!
Eric: [whimper] But that was a +3 arrow!
Ed: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try. It's a @#$%!! gazebo!
Eric: [long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.] I run away.
Ed: [thoroughly frustrated] It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you.
Eric: [reaching for his dice] Maybe I'll roll up a fireusing mage so I can avenge my Paladin.


The story of Eric and the Gazebo is Copyright Ã,© 1989 by Richard Aronson. Reprinted with permission. The author grants permission to reprint as long as all copyright notices remain with the text.
Reply With Quote

I call upon thee, great beings of night
grant me the pwer to invoke ths rite
I call upon the intellectual might
of the great sage, fireivyflight

Do what you know to be right. If the rightness of an action doesn't make itself known to you, do what you believe to be correct. If the correctness of an action is unclear, do what feels good. And if nothing feels good, take a nap.

My Motto:  "If you sit in one place long enough, everything you want will come to you."
               ...and it's proven itself time and time again...

unofficial member of P.O.A.D. (Pissed Off And Depressed)
                                We have hats!

Q: Why do people keep living, when all they want is to die?  

A: Because, we really have nothing better to do

I like a lot of people better on aim.  As a matter of fact, you should date people based on how they are on aim.  That way looks don't matter and you know the person by who they are when they're not showing off, not being stupid, just being them
                          ~Me, duh!

If there really is a God, then why does he torture us so?  I've finally found all that I want, and it's the only thing I can't have...          
                  What did I ever do!?!?!?!

â,¬Å"Iâ,¬,,¢m dying, you have to tell meâ,¬Â

Because no matter what we say, dragons are just experience points in a lizard shaped container

Friends are like skittles.
They come in many colors,
And some are fruity.


I once was here, But now I'm not.  I'm round the corner, Smoking pot.  I wrote this poem, To prove a point.  Life's not worth living, Without a joint.
[/spoiler]

"half the lies they tell about me arent true"

"always go to other peoples funerals, otherwise they wont go to yours"

"the future aint what it used to be"

-yogi berra

Quote from: Natural 20"Planets, as objects, are immune to critical hits.." - Elmaster of Thay, 12/26/03

That one is going in my book :)